Regret over choice of husband because of his parents

[Chamonix1]

We've never truly got along. I've written about them many a time here.
I've realised my mil is only nice to achieve something she wants, get her own way and my girl really does work for she in regards to getting what she wants. That's the BASIC relationship between them.
We and our children are used as tools to achieve her happiness and when we don't get it right she throws strips and gets quiet honestly nasty.
She's ruined many occasions and been bitter towards me for not involving her enough (no matter how hard I try) and they seem to think it's their right to be at ABSOLUTELY everything my children do.
I'm sick of sharing sports day, ballet shows, Christmas shows, birthdays, Xmas, holidays, family gatherings (especially mine where she complains she wasn't made to feel special enough every bloody year!), Mother's Day, Father's Day, my own fecking birthday.
She invites herself to everything and bangs on about how she's putting all these wonderful memories in an album and box for their 18ths ("I'm sure you are doing one chamonix they'll have 2!") and staring at me and making the whole thing awkward because every event I seem to offend her (unless it's an event based around her).

I'm seriously considering whether my life would be nicer and happier away from them and the only way I seem to be able to achieve this is leaving DH.
We didn't see them for 2 months, he went round and had it out with his mum when he himself got sick of watching her nasty petty behaviour and of course she's now behaving impeccably well, as per always after a bust up to ween her way back into our lives before repeating her usual repetitive nasty ways.

Dd2 is 6 months and she's starting to try and persuade me to hand her over for "alone time with nana so mummy and daddy can relax" I am so sick of having to bat her off with a stick. If I trusted her and felt ready I damn wel ask.

Sorry for the rant. I write this down here and either get told I'm mad myself of go no contact but I need to vent somewhere

It not you, it's them.

Tvci as long as your sons don't put the responsibility of their relationship with you into your dil, take their kids round to see you, buy your birthday presents themselves etc and you aren't overly critical of you dil I'm sure it will be fine.
I'd like to have a normal nice relationship with my mil, unfortunately she's not normal.

As they aren't going to change can you start by changing your response to them. E.g. make a decision to take 48hrs to reply to any text... if she has a tantrum at an event or flounces just shrug and roll your eyes... if they want to arrange a date to come round just put it off a few times... "so sorry, something's come up, got to pop out". If you stop caring about her emotions they'll have less power over you.

Oh, and if she ignores you at an event regard that as a win.

Tvci, you have nothing to worry about if you treat your son and dil like normal people.

I'm with tatiana.

The key does rest in your relationship.

You have to not tried everything if you havant tried couples counselling.
They have heard this a billion times before believe me. It's classic stuff.
Op my situation is a mirror image except we only see them a few times a year and even that upsets me.
Dh is on board and would not have seen his dp 3/4 of the time he has over the years were it not for me. Yet like you in the bad guy.
You have to learn to not care what they think. Disengage yourself.
And without a doubt go to couples therapy. Insist on it, they will also only charge what you can afford as they a re charity.

It did not solve our problems with in laws but it put what's happening into perspective. Mils divide and rule, how its not acceptable for me to be criticised in my own home etc. For special days to be ruined. It sort of helps to disentangle you from their lives and see you your own as valid lives that deserve happiness.
That's its ok to put boundaries in place and say no.
Keep repeating no and when they back you into the corner you say..

'because your behaviour is not nice or acceptable and we don't want too'.

I wouldn't make any big pronouncements, I'm never stepping foot in your house again, just stop going... Gradually after 6 months they will realises you have not been round..

They won't listen to reason.
If your dh refused to go to the relate then that would be major problem...

It's very frustrating when it's their own behaviour precluding them form having a normal relationship. But they solely blame the you for any issues. We

Honestly splitting with your DH wont help. I cant see it will make any difference. So if you have an otherwise good relationship i would park that idea

I have rtft but not previous ones.

You have said a few times that you are hounded, etc. The uncomfortable but most effective method you can take is just saying no. Stop trying to be polite. She doesnt get it, and she doesnt deserve it! She wans to come over on a date that you dont want her to? Just say no. If she pushes, explain you dont want her to. No other date is suitable. Because you dont want her to come around! You have already arranged for her to see the dc every x weeks. Thats that.

She turns up at your house? Dont let her in. Its not her fucking house. And if she is hounding via messages, etc. Ignore her once youve said no clearly!

The difficult thing with this is protecting yoir dc from seeing the stand off. But if you say no outright, and dont let her in, she isnt going to try many more tomes when she realises you mean it and cant be persuaded. Honestly she may choose to go NC herself, then. Itll be a nice victim narrative for her.

She cant make you do anything, and she has no rights. So really once you have said no thats the end of it. Excessive contact after may constitute harrassment.

I think a normal healthy relationship is one where they aren't dominating your life and attending every event. I think you just need to be firm and clear and say there have been tensions and you need space to have time as your own family unit. They are welcome to specific things that you invite them to with specific times and I am sure there can be weekends when your DH takes them round for a few hours. But every single family event is completely overbearing, even if you did get along? And if they choose to cause fuss and drama, just stay calm and say it's their choice to fall out with you and it's a shame it has to be like that, but it's in their hands. You shouldn't have to feel like this- take control of it and say this is how it is going to be from now on.

Just reading the comments, I've been reflecting on the title of your thread op. I don't imagine many women, when they fall in love, worry too much about the long-term influence of his family, but my god they should. You only have to browse similar threads to see how destructive in-laws can be, and it does tend to be the paternal parents, particularly the mother. My daughter has recently found herself in this position and it really unnerves me. My son-in-law is fine; he's a nice enough lad and he dotes on my DD, but his mother is a pain in the backside. We just let them get on with their lives, make no demands on their time, but she's on at them all the time. She phones my DD EVERY DAY while I may not speak to her from one end of the week to the next (we have family whatsapp so lots of messages on that). They expect to see them all the time. My daughter calls or texts me to vent about mil, starts text with 'just need to vent'. I don't comment other than to say 'oh dear, hope your weekend improves' or such like. It was clear from before they were married that the in-laws would be like this and I wish my DD had headed the warnings. As much as I like my SIL, when they announced their engagement my heart sank. I actually cried, while on the surface pretended to be thrilled for them. I know what it's like to have a demanding MIL - mines a martyr and cries if she doesn't get her own way, which enrages FIL and he shouts (at his 58 year old son!!). I didn't want or expect this for my DD. Their wedding became a minefield, with MIL imposing her demands (we paid 90%!). When MIL tried to drag me into it, my response was always "their day, their way". DD ended up just capitulating to keep the peace I dread to think what lies ahead, especially if they have children. If only more people understood that you don't just marry your partner, you marry the whole family.

As a mother of 3 sons the thought of my future DIL’s scares me

Seriously? Have you not read all the threads on here about controling, abusive and violent men?! I think mothers of girls have far more to fear so you should probably feel lucky that this is your worry!

Your DH has not put responsibility for gift buying onto you. He has not taken responsibility for buying them gifts, and you have picked it up. You don't have to- you can choose otherwise.

I do feel sympathy, but really, unless you take responsibility for putting boundaries into our life, this will continue. Only you can stop it, as MiL won't.

It's all very well saying put boundaries up. The very reason many of us are driven to dispair is because these people are so much bombastic and don't listen.