Regret over choice of husband because of his parents

[Chamonix1]

We've never truly got along. I've written about them many a time here.
I've realised my mil is only nice to achieve something she wants, get her own way and my girl really does work for she in regards to getting what she wants. That's the BASIC relationship between them.
We and our children are used as tools to achieve her happiness and when we don't get it right she throws strips and gets quiet honestly nasty.
She's ruined many occasions and been bitter towards me for not involving her enough (no matter how hard I try) and they seem to think it's their right to be at ABSOLUTELY everything my children do.
I'm sick of sharing sports day, ballet shows, Christmas shows, birthdays, Xmas, holidays, family gatherings (especially mine where she complains she wasn't made to feel special enough every bloody year!), Mother's Day, Father's Day, my own fecking birthday.
She invites herself to everything and bangs on about how she's putting all these wonderful memories in an album and box for their 18ths ("I'm sure you are doing one chamonix they'll have 2!") and staring at me and making the whole thing awkward because every event I seem to offend her (unless it's an event based around her).

I'm seriously considering whether my life would be nicer and happier away from them and the only way I seem to be able to achieve this is leaving DH.
We didn't see them for 2 months, he went round and had it out with his mum when he himself got sick of watching her nasty petty behaviour and of course she's now behaving impeccably well, as per always after a bust up to ween her way back into our lives before repeating her usual repetitive nasty ways.

Dd2 is 6 months and she's starting to try and persuade me to hand her over for "alone time with nana so mummy and daddy can relax" I am so sick of having to bat her off with a stick. If I trusted her and felt ready I damn wel ask.

Sorry for the rant. I write this down here and either get told I'm mad myself of go no contact but I need to vent somewhere

I don't want to this to be dominated by me but, from personal bitter experience people like this dint respect boundaries. After years of lc I reached out to them, personal health scare etc. Everything was great for a year but then Mil started to throw her weight around in our home, dominate again, saying unpleasant things... Being awkward, making life unpleasant. We withdraw and fil clings on for dear life, still trying to dominate us.

People like this are bloody hard to deal with.. Such strong selfish people often have beaten down sons who find it hard to stand up towards them. If my dh had ever said to me.. I can't stand them let rip. Stand up for me I would have done. I feel like I've been hobbled.

Like op I'm afraid of court too. They could argue they have seen dc and want regular contact. I think I could argue it... But I have wasted years on these nasty fucker.. Have had hard time elsewhere in my life and have just got to a place of peace!!

Anyway.. I just wanted to say it's not easy there is no easy answer.

We see them on average once a week. This is usually due to us being backed into a corner when we run out of excuses to say no.
This increases a lot when it's Christmas and birthdays obviously and they are speaking about wanting to go away for weekend for mils next big birthday (with us) last time we went away with them dd1 was also 6months old, mil likes to go on about how dd1 first holiday was with them, I think this is the motive behind wanting to go away now with dd2 (also 6mo) we got accused of being ungrateful for that holiday and not making a big enough fuss of the anniversary (probably because we didn't want to be there!!)
Every boundary we put in place gets pushed and ultimately trampled on. When we say no, they won't back down suggesting various dates and options until we've run out of reasons so say no (they know we just don't want to really but it doesn't stop them pushing). When we set what I consider normal boundaries and persist things get very uncomfortable and awkward and mil especially gets frosty and nasty ignoring me and going out of her way to ruin special events (realised at husbands 30th that rather a lot of planning goes into her ruining things like feeding the people who were attending an afternoon tea I'd booked and paid for 1 hour before afternoon tea so nobody wanted to eat. She made lots of comments about how it's a silly time for afternoon tea and how she didn't know what was going on for the party and she had been left out, how she doesn't know dd2 at all- at the table infront of everyone)
When husband has confronted her she brought up many issues with us both
-we don't spend Mother's Day at hers (we spend the Saturday with her, she gets a meal and gifts on the Saturday and a phone call on Sunday.this apparently Int good enough (I don't see my own mother on Mother's Day but apparently my mum should be going out for a meal with mil and me, not sure what my 3 sisters and children are meant to do as they're mothers too, guess we should all go with kids and husbands in tow? She feels that as she only had DH his loyalty should be with her (her own words)

• despite having them over ALL DAY at Xmas we didn't sit with them at my big family get together. She flounced off that day, we should sit with her (who's invited herself along!)
• we don't go round there anymore we only have them to ours (no I don't like sitting on the edge of your sofa with my kids so they don't ruin your perfect home) apparently some "house rules" are normal, however their house rules are extreme and impossible to stick to with a crawling baby and 5yo.
• we don't greet them adequately when they enter OUR home. We should all get up from wherever we are and kiss them both. (Tend to just say hi and offer a cup of tea- I do this with EVERYONE that comes round)
• we don't make them feel special enough, when we bump into them in town we don't look happy enough to see them (because we bloody well aren't)

It's all just SO pathetic I don't have the energy for it. Every occasion is ruined by her. Ignored me at dd1 5th birthday in my own home. I got told off for visiting their next door neighbour (who was very very poorly and in hospital the day before, they are husbands godparents so dropped flowers over, I didn't go and see in laws as had seen them less than 12 hours ago, fil came out and stood infront of my car so I couldn't drive off and off and "confronted" me as I was being "rude" apparently if we visit next door we MUST go to there's After regardless of when we have last seen them! The kids needing their dinner and it being a school night was not a good enough excuse)

Sorry this has turned into a HUGE rant but I just need to outline the ridiculousness I'm dealing with.

They want photos of everything the children do so they can do all the things a mum should do, creating special memory boxes etc to bring out at 18th birthday. I am now allowed to do anything without them doing it or enjoy any experience with my children without them. It sounds petty but every special moment is shared with them. We aren't allowed special memories alone.

Now I feel I'm being pathetic. Grandparents are special too I know but my own grandparents weren't this involved and neither was dhs, why do they need to be at absolutely EVERYTHING.

DH stands up to them but ultimately will always forgive and try and move on give another chance etc, and so the cycle of niceness to lure in then slowly manipulating everything around them continues.

Sorry

Bit extreme but this is an extreme situation... can you move house?! You're not being pathetic at all. I wouldn't be able to cope with that. You need to distance yourselves from them. Can your husband facilitate contact between the children and grandparents once a week or preferably every other week? You need to take action now before they ruin your life and your family

If we moved home it would have to be a no contact thing and I'm pretty sure they'd find us through relatives.
I just fucking give up.

Honestly this is a ridiculous and bizarre set-up, which your DH seems to have normalised. It appears they are rude and ignorant towards you and dismiss your quite reasonable requests re contact so you have to respond in kind. Be blunt, tell them you do not expect to see them at your home again until YOU invite them. Tell them they have no rights to yours and your family's time and if they refuse to back off you will have no choice but to go NC. They have no qualms about being rude to you, and obviously have the hide of a rhinoceros so you need to be blunt. DH needs to step up. This is ruining your family life and must be so distressing .

Move if you can. We had horrendous neighbours at our last home and moved in December. We love it - it's a gated road so nobody can get to us who we're not expecting - inlaws included!

If we didn't love our home and dd didn't love school and have lots of friends and family here we all Love I would move.
Moving away from everything and everyone we love just makes me so sad. Especially because of these dicksheads.

Just say to your husband enough is enough and you don’t want anything more to do with them. Say he can take the kids round to see them 2-3 times a month but it must be at their house or out somewhere and that’s that. You appreciate they’re his parents but the situation for you has now become untenable. They can have a relationship with their son and grandchildren but it will be on a much scaled back level and on the days he’s taken them to see MIL/FIL you will be spending some time with friends/ going for a walk/ spa day, whatever you fancy. Say you know this is going to cause issues but if you ride the storm over the next few weeks hopefully PIL will get used to it and STFU moaning.

Keep it simple, literally, they are no longer welcome in my house whilst I’m here, they can see their son and grandchildren but only a few times a month (re the grandchildren anyway) and it has to be elsewhere.

You’re never going to win/ please these people, there is always going to be a fall out so I’d just rip the plaster off and do it.

OP I feel so sorry for you. I know EXACTLY what you are dealing with. The very sad truth is that they won’t change. They’re incapable. Also your husband had a loyalty to them that means that he will be totally torn. For him he’ll try to be peacemaker for his own sanity and even if he knows they are being awful, ultimately they are his parents.
If you don’t change your circumstances nothing will change. You could try low contact or no contact but in my experience that could make them even worse (if that’s possible) and your poor husband will be distraught. You will be accused of alsorts and bad mouthed to everyone mutual that you know. That in itself is another stress. I’m guessing he knows they are absolutely vile but he can’t change them either. Even if you go no contact they will go on and on and on at your husband and he will put pressure on you to ‘try again’ and then you’re back to square one. (Can you tell I’ve been there - exactly there!)
Ultimately you will have to make a tough decision. You could move away to keep your family together. If you stay where you are then your husband and his parents are probably a package I’m afraid. No matter how you try to keep them at arms length they’ll be back and it won’t get better. You have to make sure you take care of YOU so you can be the best possible parent to your DC.
I really feel for you. What an impossible situation for you. There isn’t a lightbulb answer to this. I walked away. I haven’t seen them for 3 years. I never ever want to see them again. My situation was different without DC. I left my ex for numerous reasons but after I’d gone I felt I’d left an abusive relationship with THEM!! If I can help feel free to pm me. Even if it’s just to offload and share horror stories

I know how you feel. To the point where, if I had know what they would be like before I married, I probably wouldn't have married my husband.

Loving the island you're right and I'm just going to totally withdraw and leave DH to deal with them. They know he's bloody crap at replying and message us both at the same time. The fall out from when they realise I don't want to see them anymore would be immense and makes me nervous. Like, I don't have a recent excuse? I should've done this when mil went off on one just before they went away for 6 weeks but her mother died whilst she was away and we got sucked back in. She's behaved since her return but she's piling up brownie points and pestering to take dd2.
As aminuts Says, when If I decide not to see them, limit contact worth the children - DH will probably only visit once a month alone as they bully him when I'm not there (and would be even worse if they knew I'd cut them off) and they will just be hideous company.
Fil had a heart to heart with DH away from mil and said if he had to come and see the children without mil, if that was the only way he would.
I do think deep down my fil is a good man, with faults like all of us but willing to accept that he has them. Mil has made their lives based around couple friends and cut him off from his own family he was once close to, I think he is scared to be alone to be frank.
Aminuts you are totally correct in everything and I mean everything you say, I've been through that when I've tried to break contact before and DH had decided at one point to...it was all my fault, told everyone I'd stollen their son and turned him from them and that I was evil etc, sent people over for information, hounded us, sent horrible messages the lot.
Without me there DH won't have a relationship with them as they'll not allow for anything but EVERYTHING.
When we've seen them weekly but said no to them taking dd we've had tears and all sorts they just have to have it all.

You have my absolute sympathy and understanding

It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you just have to be a lot tougher.

You see them Christmas and birthdays (theirs not yours) and that’s it.

Your husband can take the children round to see them if he fancies - that’s up to him.

The reason you’re being walked over is because you’re being a doormat.

No does not need an excuse.

You need dh on board. You tell them no to having dd2 alone, you don’t need a reason bar ‘I don’t want to do this’. When they ask why, you just say ‘Because I don’t’ And remind them they didn’t this with dh.

You need firmer boundaries and to only see them when you decide, not every time they click their fingers. So she cries, so bloody well let her, emotional blackmail is rubbish, don’t let her do this to you!

You need to speak to dh. Don't paint fil as the good one just yet though, remember the aggressive car blocking and telling you you were rude. He goes along and encourages MIL from the sounds of it. My suspicion is his 'i will see the kids alone,' should have 'and emotionally blackmail you and guilt you for mil during.' Just be wary of thinking he is better or good.

You don't need a big event. In fact, it is better that this is just the end of a long like of rubbish. A big event would be something your PIL could guilt dh about after. This is just...everything

Fortunately my MiL lives a long way away.

She is awful. I will say this though, as your family gets older it is the relationship beteeen them which gets weaker.

DH never speaks to his mother. Maybe once every 3 months

If she wasn’t so awful to me, that would be far more frequents. She could be on my Facebook and learn more about the children

But she has removed herself from that and her coldness and callousness towards me will remove any ability to have a meaningful relationship with the kids too. For they ADORE me and barely know her. She’s dug her own grave with regards to my family. I’m not the one who has lost

The thing that stood out to me is that you need to get to grips with your Facebook privacy settings. Do you can hide stuff you don't want them to see from them.

I would also consider moving. Think of where you would like to live. It doesn't have to be that far as long as you don't let them know. But do go and look at schools you may we'll find as good or better ones. My DC went to a highly sought after school, but when I did work in some other schools I was massively impressed (and with a free choice might have chosen differently).

You might want to look at Toxic Families or Toxic In Laws to help clear FOG.

You need marriage guidance counselling.

This situation is unbearable. I cannot believe people are suggesting you suck it up. You and your DH must get some counselling together because the answer lies inside your relationship.

Some practical points:

• Write down ‘This is not normal’ and keep it somewhere obvious so you know you are not going mad.
• Facebook. Stop posting on FB. Ask the school to protect their account from your in laws.
• Go to a relative or friend for Christmas, be away for Mother’s Day and busy for birthdays. Yes, this is awkward for you but do it. They need to see that the world does not stop turning without you/DH.

move to another country.

I think I would offer one dinner a month (evening meal or bbq)

And some special occasions

I don't use Facebook.
They find things out via my Callander, family friends, shook websites, pushing and digging.
They know when things are gonna happen ie around Xmas and bdays and hound us.
We try the once a month meal, point is they don't accept just that. If that was the case I could put up with their shit once a month for a couple of hours they are constant and don't back down, ever.
It always ends in tears.

School websites *

Dd goes to a fantastic school. We live in a wonderful area near my cousins and Aunty and my own mothers and sister. They're my support network and I have friends here moving far enough away from in laws for them to no longer be an issue would involve moving me and my kids away from their friends and family.
I understand every suggestion I'm disagreeing with but it's because I've tried pretty much EVERYTHING and failed.
If we moved and just didn't tell them our new address, they'd easily find us. It's really not hard.

I’m not sure it’s theirs to accept. That’s all that’s on offer.

OP I think the issue here is that your DH isn’t dealing with this. He should be. It’s his parents, he should be the one laying the rules down. I know they don’t (my husband is the same)

Now I feel I'm being pathetic. Grandparents are special too op, stop it, that's the FOG descending again. They are both unimaginably awful. I can only think physical distance, or both of you saying "this far no more" to the pair of them, Going properly Nc and ignoring the histrionics and flying monkeys will work. or cyanide

You say you’ve tried everything but it’s clear from the details you give - for eg ‘you run out of reasons/excuses’ that you’re not being tough enough.

You don’t need excuses - you say ‘no’. If they give you more dates you say ‘no, it’s not happening we don’t want to’. If they keep pestering by phone and email you block them. If they continue to try to hound you - you warn them it’s harassment. If the worst comes to the worst you cut contact with them completely.

As a mother of 3 sons the thought of my future DIL’s scares me. I hope i get it right i plan on being kind but after lots of post on MN it seems like a very delicate relasonship and not an easy one to get right.