AIBU to just give up?

[LavenderFG]

Hi

I'm a fairly long-time user, NC for this. Wasn't sure where to post it but I'm not feeling brave enough for AIBU...

I'm 45, no partner, no family to speak of, no kids, no friends. Very lonely, very unhappy. I've tried all sorts to make life better:

• I've been online dating since 2001 (yes really) - obviously without success. I've had the odd short-term relationship, all of which have ended with me being dumped like a piece of garbage.

• I've tried hobbies, evening classes, meetups, most of which have been a waste of time. People just don't want to be my friend. I have lots of acquaintances, but no-one I can really talk to.

• I've been on anti-depressants for 10 years and am seeing a counsellor. They probably are helping in the sense that I can function day-to-day (I get washed and dressed, I eat, I feed the cat), but surely there must be more than that?

I'm fat and ugly and I hate the way I look. I've tried exercising but I have a chronic health condition that makes it very difficult.

My relationship with my family is pretty non-existent: my parents were abusive, and my sister now lives abroad with her family. I love her, but we don't see each other often and anyway she's not responsible for me being happy.

There's nothing in my life that gives me joy. I've been struggling on for years, and I'm now at the stage where I think - what's the point of continuing? My life doesn't benefit anyone, I'm not happy at all - what's the point of my existence?

I've tried calling the Samaritans - when I told them I had no friends, the response I got was: 'Really? REALLY? No-one has NO friends'. I hung up, feeling much worse.

AIBU to just stop trying and hoping things will one day get better? I'm just fooling myself, aren't I?

Sorry that this sounds so negative. I've been living with all this for so long and I just can't be bothered anymore.

Sending you massive hugs. It must be awful to feel this way. Have you thought about changing things? Moving to a new area? Training to be a teacher? (Busy job with lots of fun and lots of kids adore their teacher). Go back to college? There is so much more you can do, you just haven’t found your niche yet. How about fostering? Lots of unwanted kids need good people to look after them. I think if you completely go for something different then that might be your route to not feeling lonely. How about volunteering? Find your local Beaver/Scout group and offer your services...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way 💐 Hugs to you as this sounds intolerable and such a sad way to be living your life ❤️ Nobody wants to feel this way but unfortunately lots of people do, don't worry about sounding negative, it's good to get it off your chest!

I would suggest attending your local church or trying to make contact with a church in your area. I once was told that if you finds Christians you will find friends! And in my experience that is very true!

They will be able to offer you emotional support and also practical support maybe bringing home cooked meals etc to make you feel better. Find your local church and go along, Jesus loves you, and God created you for a purpose ❤️❤️❤️ !!

I didn't want to read and run. Hugs OP.

First things first, are you having suicidal or self harm thoughts? I'm a bit concerned about your use of the phrase "just give up". If you are, please see a doctor or a hospital today and tell them this, short term, they will help you.

With regards to stopping trying, I know you're coming at it from a place of despair, but in some situations it may help.

By that I mean that to be truly happy, you have to be happy in your own skin and with your own self. You mentioned OLD, but I personally believe that you have to be happy as an individual to be happy as one half of a relationship. Likewise in a friendship. Is it possible that you maybe come across as "trying too hard" and it puts people off?

Gave you can't considered volunteer work anywhere? Doing something positive will make you feel better about yourself. Our local football offer asked for volunteers for two hour slots at supermarkets, could you manage that.

I'd also suggest looking up your nearest parkrun. (You don't have to run, walking is fine). They're a very positive, inclusive local community, and being out in the fresh air/ getting some gentle exercise will almost certainly help. If you can't walk 5k yet, why not volunteer as a marshal and get involved with the community that way? Volunteering at Junior parkrun on Sundays is also a great way to meet lots of positive people. There's almost always a coffee social after both events.

Keep taking baby steps OP. They all add up. Good luck.

Football = Foodbank.

what's the point of my existence?
We all think this at some point. We really do.
Myself only recently.
It's a truly strange this.
Like... what is the point of any of us?

But do not give up on yourself.
Try the Samaritans again when you have a really down time.
Someone else won't say that.
That's just ridiculous.
There are thousands of people out there with no-one!

Start each day with a small thing to achieve.
Start to put a plan together about what is important for you to get sorted.

I'm sorry you feel like this.
It's truly crap and there's nothing I can say to make you feel better.
But push on - you'll find a purpose at some point.

Thank you all for the very kind replies. I expected to get told to pull myself together!

I do realise I sound very negative. I think I’ve reached the point where the kind of effort these things require seems pointless because I expect rejection / to be ignored. This has not been a comfortable realisation.

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts regularly since I was 12. So far I’ve managed to find reasons not to act on them. I suppose I’m saying that I’m running out of reasons. I really don’t believe there’s any point me seeing my GP: all they can do is give me medication (which I’m already taking), counselling (which I’m already having) or lock me up under supervision to prevent me from hurting myself. None of those will address the core of the problem, which is that I don’t see I’ve got anything to live for. I’d come out of hospital to the same situation.

My health means I’m not up to being a teacher or foster carer, but I could manage a few hours a week of volunteering. I also agree that gentle exercise outside helps - I’m certainly not capable of walking 5k but I could try to work up to it.

To the person who suggested a church - I know you meant well but I’m somewhere between an atheist and an agnostic so I doubt they’d welcome me! If I’m here for a purpose, I wish I knew what it was...

And parkrunner25 - I don’t think I come across as trying too hard, more the opposite. I reckon I probably come across as standoffish. I’ve been hurt and rejected so many times I think I’ve developed a shell.

Again, thank you all for your kindness. It’s funny how talking to strangers can help.

That sounds so hard OP.

I've had severe depression and it's shit. Things did get better eventually but it took many years, so I agree with PP about baby steps.

My baby steps were:
Outdoor time: half an hour under the sky, whatever the weather, every day. Feels like shit but helps a tiny bit.

Exercise: 10-30 minutes every day. Hurts and also feels like shit but helps a minuscule amount.

Tea: tastes ok, even though making it is a massive chore and sitting to drink it feels like shit, but not as shit as sitting without tea.

Cat petting: quite nice really. Doesn't help as much as I wish it did. Only thing that doesn't feel like shit.

Very loud music: feels like shit but at least it's a bit distracting.

Although all these things felt like shit, I did find that they were vaguely soothing compared to sitting without tea or a cat and staring at the walls. But it takes time for vaguely soothing to become not completely shit.

Things that made me feel even worse: alcohol, comfort eating, watching the news.

I also found that it was quite hard to maintain friendships or make new friends when I was very unwell, but social stuff got easier as I got better.

Also, I noticed that you're quite hard on yourself. I don't know you, but I don't think you deserve to be called fat and ugly. If someone else said it, it would be very unkind and you deserve kindness even from yourself. Maybe especially from yourself.

If you're functioning, does that mean things are a tiny bit better than previously? Of course you want to feel completely better asap, but do you feel things are moving in the right direction, even if it's slow?

More for you.

You don't have to do social contact in a socially approved way to find joy in it - I find the "group of girl friends to drink prosecco with" type friendships intimidating at best and outright hostile to me at worst. I have ASD and I don't like group conversations and I struggle to initiate discussions. But I do like being around people.

Volunteering is good as it has a common purpose and a sense of achievement. Online friendships are still friendships - some of the contact I enjoy most is online. And you don't have to believe in God to go to church....

How about volunteering as an Age UK befriender? www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/

Or at a food bank, or to do 1-1 reading in your local primary school? Being a brownie or guide leader might be a bit too physical if you have health needs, but you could be a badge assessor?

I've been a Samaritan and that was an awful thing for them to say and totally breaks the ethos about being non-judgemental. I'm sorry that happened to you. I would say don't let that put you off ringing again. The Samaritans is there exactly for people like you - believe me, they have to deal with enough sexually abusive calls (in fact its your responsibility to call so one of them bastards doesn't get through - sorry that's a sort of joke)

Maybe review your anti-depressants - there can be many reasons why they lose effectiveness - tolerance build-up, interference from other medications etc. So it might be a good idea to check this with your doctor (not allowed to say that one in the Samaritans!)

Is there anything that makes you angry?

The reason to visit your GP is to keep you on their radar and see if there is anything else they can offer.

I saw an initiative in Somerset trying to tackle lonliness, due to the way it affects both physical and mental health, it was working in conjunction with GPs. It will have been people the GP was in regular contact with who will have been referred first!

"I reckon I probably come off as standoffish"

That's understandable, and I think volunteering really will help in this case. You (and everyone else) will be focused on DOING something, and the "socialising" will happen naturally alongside that. It's much less pressure that way.

Cardsforkittens - thank you for breaking this down so simply. ‘Exercise’ sounds impossible and intimidating - while ‘walking for 30 mins outside’ is something I can manage.

I should have said - I do have a job, which I find very tiring, but it does make me feel I’ve done something useful with my day.

Jog - thank you for saying what you did about the Samaritans volunteer. I still get upset thinking about this and it was years ago.

I don’t get angry. Except with myself - I’m angry with myself all the time. I assume it’s got something to do with my childhood, where anger was utterly utterly terrifying, but I cannot get angry with other people, even after fifteen years of therapy. Realise this is neither normal nor healthy.

I probably do need to go back to my GP and review my meds - however last time I changed them I had to come off ADs completely for a week. It nearly killed me, quite literally. But then, maybe the fact I don’t want to go through that again is a sign that I do want to live. Maybe just posting on here is too.

I can’t tell you how much your kindness is helping. I’m in tears because I’m so overwhelmed that complete strangers would want to help. Thank you.

Clownstar - “group of girl friends to drink prosecco with" type friendships“ made me laugh. I’ve never had that, even at university. It’s such a visible stereotype, isn’t it? And those of us who don’t fit it - well, it’s hard to find your own group.

You’re all right about volunteering. When I’m helping someone else, there’s far less time to think about me, which helps a lot.

I urge you to ring Samaritans again - the person on the other end of the phone when you called was totally out of order; I say this as the mother of a Samaritan volunteer and I know that she would never, ever say something like that to a caller.
And although I'm not a church goer, I also urge you to go to a local church; doesn't matter which particular religion, all those around here are more focused on helping the community rather than god worship.

I'm really impressed that despite your difficulties you were able to go to university, and that you're currently working. I hope you give yourself credit for your achievements (although I remember that depression can make us beat ourselves up unfairly for not achieving even more).

I think there have been psychology studies that found that doing things for other people is what makes us happy. Maybe it's hard to imagine how you'd find the energy for volunteering though, considering your health issues. But if you can find something not too taxing in an area that interests you it could be really good.

I can't imagine being in a prosecco drinking girl group either. I'd rather socialise around shared interests of some kind. For me that's stuff like sport or music or politics - some of the stuff I was into as a student that persisted. It's not always easy to make close friends, but at least there's a common purpose. Would something like that work for you?

I'm so sorry to read that you are feeling so unhappy.

You have achieved so much though. You have been to university, have a job and are so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit. You are so valuable and important, it's your depression that makes you unable to see it.

You may benefit from going back to the doctor to have your meds reviewed. I have been on most of them and it took time to find one that really worked. Most just masked my depression and made everything fuzzy without helping.

Have you considered volunteering at an animal shelter? They are usually looking for dog walkers which would get you outside, doing gentle exercise which would be helpful to both your depression and would help with your weight loss. Plus you will get to talk to like minded animal lovers like yourself.

Believe me when I say this will get better. My favourite thing to say when life gets too much for me is "this too shall pass".

You know, I’d love to volunteer with animals. I think dog walking would help - on many levels - and it’s something I can do easily and as soon as they’ll have me. I find animals so so much easier than people: there’s no judgement at all. They don’t care what you look like or how interesting you are.

It hadn’t occurred to me that a church would welcome me, as a non-believer. I know this sounds really stupid but I haven’t been to church in forty years - can I just turn up on my own?

I'm an unbeliever but my mum goes to church and I sometimes go with her. They're always welcoming to me and I've seen them welcome new people quite often - and no one gets quizzed on their theology. And yes, you can definitely go along on your own. Most churches are desperate for new people and will be very happy to see you! Ideally they'll serve coffee after the service and if you're feeling up to it you can stay and chat to people.

Lavender, you might find the Quakers nice. I’m atheist/agnostic and found their meetings didn’t frustrate me like most religious gatherings would. They are totally non-evangelical, non-judgemental and there is a lot of quiet.
Also, how long have you been seeing your current counsellor? I’m guessing you’ve tried various approaches over the 15 years?

I didn't say my question properly as I meant is there anything going on in the world that makes you angry, is there any injustice that strikes a chord with you - as you can be as useful online if your health prevents you from getting out.

But your answer was much more interesting. About anger towards yourself and your fear of it. It feels like you carry so much weight from the past and blaming yourself for things not in your power.

Has any therapy helped you with this?

Lavender - yes of course you can turn up on your own; there are quite a few non-orthodox churches around my locality which are much less formal than C of E and RC. These are very friendly, informal gatherings and would make you welcome. And through them, you would probably find volunteering opportunities too.
If in a large town or city, and female, are there any womens' groups you could approach ?

OP I just wanted to send support. One thing I'm not sure if you've considered is getting a pet? nice bit of companionship if you got a cat. Or you could walk dogs for the cinnamon trust I think it's called (maybe that's where you've already volunteered?) or on borrow my doggy website? Please don't give up, there are plenty of people who care and so many who have no friends, it's not uncommon and nothing to be ashamed of.

Hi there

I can empathize with a lot of what you are saying.

I really recommend volunteering, choose something you are passion about, animals is a really good one! You’ll become involved with good, kind people who also give their time, be doing something new that you like just for you and it’s a confidence boost too.

Animal shelters too? All sorts of help needed and welcomed, in lots of ways.

Church, absolutely. I’m not a practicing anything, but feel completely comfortable stopping by whichever place for which ever faith. There’s a big community, everyone is welcome to learn, join, be there out of interest, to explore feeling a bit spiritual or find some solace or joy. You don’t have to be a member or any background, just stop by. If you find the environment interesting or peaceful, maybe introduce yourself to the pastor/priest/whatever and that you’re looking for something but you just don’t know what, which is true. They’ll let you know about community things or groups and things that they think you might like. At a mosque near me non Muslims are welcome to go in to learn about Islam, not to convert, just ask questions and earn, there are even Arabic classes for everyone. Faiths have lots going on and you’ll be very welcome anywhere. It’s all human values really, no matter what names are used to describe things. Good people too.

Do you find counseling helps? Or do you think you’re doing it because you «should», not because it gets you through things or helps you work through things. Do you like your therapist? If you’re not feeling it, maybe a change of therapist is worth a try? A good comfortable fit is really important.

It’s fine to tell your GP about suicidal thoughts, there’s a difference between suicidal idealation (imagining or wondering about doing it but no way you actually would or really want to) and suicidal (ready, want to and going to). The first is not a reason for hospital against your will, that’s only if you are at serious risk of hurting yourself, it’s more a reason for you to need and deserve a bit more help and support to feel better, because you shouldn’t have to feel that way. I would encourage you to go for a chat and explain how you are feeling. It may be that a change of meds or dosage. Maybe change of therapist or therapy approach. If you tell your GP that despite meds and therapy you still feel pretty rubbish, maybe they can help.

Are you able to be physically active? You don’t have to go to the North Pole, but a yoga or Pilates class would feel good, during and after, also a sense of achievement and another community of people.

Keep talking:)