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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to just give up?

62 replies

LavenderFG · 20/06/2018 12:35

Hi

I'm a fairly long-time user, NC for this. Wasn't sure where to post it but I'm not feeling brave enough for AIBU...

I'm 45, no partner, no family to speak of, no kids, no friends. Very lonely, very unhappy. I've tried all sorts to make life better:

  • I've been online dating since 2001 (yes really) - obviously without success. I've had the odd short-term relationship, all of which have ended with me being dumped like a piece of garbage.
  • I've tried hobbies, evening classes, meetups, most of which have been a waste of time. People just don't want to be my friend. I have lots of acquaintances, but no-one I can really talk to.
  • I've been on anti-depressants for 10 years and am seeing a counsellor. They probably are helping in the sense that I can function day-to-day (I get washed and dressed, I eat, I feed the cat), but surely there must be more than that?

I'm fat and ugly and I hate the way I look. I've tried exercising but I have a chronic health condition that makes it very difficult.

My relationship with my family is pretty non-existent: my parents were abusive, and my sister now lives abroad with her family. I love her, but we don't see each other often and anyway she's not responsible for me being happy.

There's nothing in my life that gives me joy. I've been struggling on for years, and I'm now at the stage where I think - what's the point of continuing? My life doesn't benefit anyone, I'm not happy at all - what's the point of my existence?

I've tried calling the Samaritans - when I told them I had no friends, the response I got was: 'Really? REALLY? No-one has NO friends'. I hung up, feeling much worse.

AIBU to just stop trying and hoping things will one day get better? I'm just fooling myself, aren't I?

Sorry that this sounds so negative. I've been living with all this for so long and I just can't be bothered anymore.

OP posts:
AuntyElle · 21/06/2018 11:40

I’m amazed by your openness to suggestions on this thread - I think that is a really, really good sign. That despite your despair you are willing to give some new things a go.
I wouldn’t focus on trying to create friendships though, just try to focus on the activity and in small moments of pleasantness and connection. Friendships may grow out of that, but either way you’ve spent time with people and tried something new.

AuntyElle · 21/06/2018 11:53

A couple of relatively new approaches might help you to look at things a bit differently:
Acceptance and commitment therapy: eg The Reality Slap www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0070TRH1E/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_4j4kBb18M33B1?tag=mumsnetforum-21 or The Happiness Trap, I can’t remember which I found most helpful Hmm

Paul Gilbert’s work, book: The Compassionate Mind and compassion-focussed therapy in general.

FlowersFlowers

0SometimesIWonder · 21/06/2018 11:57

LavenderFG - I've PM'd you.

LuMarie · 21/06/2018 15:57

@fizzandchips

Your purpose might be, that by posting here you’ve made someone else feel they’re not alone in their situation. That’s a powerful thing.

This takes my breathe away. Such an incredible thing to say and yes, so true.

LuMarie · 21/06/2018 16:26

@LavenderFG

So happy to hear you are looking into yoga:) Come on be a yoga girl with us!

I find that it doesn't have to be friends with people immediately, it's human interaction and contact that will make you feel good. After a while people will get to know you.

When I started in a new city I knew absolutely no one. So I started gong to yoga because I always wanted to. I went for me, so I would have something to do and feel good about myself, plus the social interaction.

I always smiled and said hello to everyone, said thank you, recommended classes, said I had enjoyed something and why, chatted a bit with the person at the desk who was also a teacher, basically chatted a bit with everyone and anyone at every opportunity! Just that alone was so, so good for me.

After just a few weeks I became a regular known face, hearing someone at reception say "Lu is here, she did the earlier class too" to a teacher, honestly it was amazing. I felt like I existed.

So if you are interested in yoga, I am really happy!

I try to take classes and study too, as someone else suggested. Again I feel like I am achieving something, it's me social interaction, gives me a feeling of who I am. I take language classes. Everyone is immediately a community in these because we are all staring at each other completely lost. Plus language classes always have "ok now practice that with your neighbour" parts, so you get a little bit of chatting and getting to know people. I do recommend these because everyone has a story (often, I want to learn something new and meet some new people!). So you get to know things about others and them about you that are those steps to knowing each other and being known.

I would say, as someone who deals with this kind of situation all the time (I sound like a guru here with a perfect life but oh no, not at all, I'm just working on it every day!), focus on you. Not making friends at first, think about you.

You want to take up yoga for example. You volunteer at an animal shelter. You go to whatever drop at a local church. You like to do whatever it is. All these things are for you and give you a feeling of identity and who you are.

With that sense of feeling good about yourself and identity as art of group, people who love yoga, people who love animals, people who volunteer, people who whatever, confidence comes and from that you have a way to connect with others. It can take a few weeks before someone says "I'm getting coffee, do you want to come" after a yoga class, or you say it to someone and they actually say yes (don't take it personally if people say no, it's never personal!), or a bit of time in a language class for example before you are doing homework with each other for half an hour before the class, although this actually comes really quickly. Church things too, I think that's often an arms open come join feeling, so that's good if it happens. Let these things take the time they need and unfold as they naturally do.

Look what has happened here, you have just been yourself, had the courage to speak and just be yourself and you've created a little community!

The social interaction and the social identity that you can create for yourself will really make you feel better in terms of not feeling lonely or without purpose, I promise. From that, you can go so many places.

Yes, get a new therapist.

Keep talking here, I love hearing your plans and how things are!

LavenderFG · 21/06/2018 16:59

You’re all so lovely. I really hope this thread has helped others who are reading silently.

I went for a walk at lunchtime. One hour in the sun and fresh air, under the skies. I have a bit of colour in my skin and I feel like I might sleep better tonight. That’s my first baby step.

And I’ve signed up for a yoga class on Sunday. That’s my second.

OP posts:
LavenderFG · 21/06/2018 17:01

I love your approach to life and to meeting new people, LuMarie.

I feel like I’m learning a lot from this thread. Why don’t they teach this stuff in school???

OP posts:
Strigiformes · 21/06/2018 17:29

Hi Lavender, congrats on booking the yoga class and getting out and about. The first steps are always the hardest. Hopefully you'll make some lovely friends soon but if you ever feel like a chat feel free to message me. I suffer from anxiety so struggle to make friends too. This thread has been really helpful for me so thanks for posting.

LuMarie · 21/06/2018 17:31

@LavenderFG

Thank you:) As I said I'm no perfect living guru, really your story sound a lot like my own, except I'm allergic to animals so I can't even get a puppy for company!

I just hate being down, so I've tried all sorts. I know what helps, how it feels good and bad and in the end, we all just have to find a way to keep putting one foot in front of another and not let ourselves struggle any more than necessary.

Your lunchtime sounds so lovely! You sound confident and what a lovely way to spend your time. I'm impressed:)

Yoga! Welcome to the tribe! Remember when you go, it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, it all comes with time. The first lessons are always just funny, because you think "What on earth is a shavanashavishnaoh", about two people do it perfectly, three people at the back fall over (that's me, hello!) and everyone else does something in between:)

The teachers are always wonderful. They always say it's not about comparing, do it properly with breathing rather than trying to do extreme, don't go for full things straight away, get your balance and strength slowly and develop.

There are new people all the time, usually a few. I mentioned to the teachers I was new at first, so they kept an eye on me and helped give me (and others there) the best thing to do as a beginner. They don't make a fuss about this, they are wandering around the class throughout, adjusting for everyone, injuries, levels, harder for the occasional person with lots of experience, good things for strength and balance as beginners. You're not meant to jump to something six months in, it's little by little.

I usually take a spot at the back, where I can see the teacher but I ca also see people in front of me, so I can follow the lead on which direction are facing in etc. Just makes it a bit easier for me, plus I don't feel self conscious. Lots of people do this.

I couldn't do anything upside down for a very long time, it was six months before I did a headstand against a wall! I didn't care, even when the rest of my level was good and I was the only one who couldn't balance even a tiny bit. I just stayed with an in-between pose for strength, one day it worked. My instagramhas never been the same since. Headstands in the snow, headstand on the beach, headstands in my apartment! I can't do handstands. No idea how anyone does:) So, take your time.

Take it in the spirit of fun. Also you'll be amazed how quickly you improve, after a week of every day I was stunned by the change in flexibility.

Oh my, yes you will sleep:)

Do you have instagram? it's a good way to keep a little photo diary of positive things for yourself (not about likes, it's your journal). So your lunchtime walk in the sun today for example, a pretty photo of something you saw along the way will keep that memory and feeling for you. You can collect these and its a reminder of the beautiful things you do in your life.

You're so right. These are all survive life skills. We all need them yet it's only when someone is brave enough to talk that we start sharing them and our experiences.

Stay in touch, you are an inspiration!

Lu x

LavenderFG · 21/06/2018 17:44

Oh crikey - I’m not an inspiration, nor am I at all confident! I feel like I’m learning a new language and I’ve managed one word so far...

Strigi - I’m so so pleased this has helped someone else x

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 21/06/2018 17:57

Instagram was a big help to me when my marriage broke up and I found myself without an identity.

I also used it as a visual diary of good moments. Slowly but surely I started doing arty things and posting pics. Over time this gently created an identity for me. I was "a painter". I could talk about those things with new people - there was public photo evidence of that identity! That was a new version of "me" and it was interesting and something I liked about myself.

When I was feeling down, I'd scroll through past photos and think, god look at all the things I've done! Remember that day, it was a good day. Remember how I felt shit that morning and had that walk and saw that field of bluebells and realised everything would be ok in the end.

Thinking of you x

TheGirlWhoWasntThere · 22/06/2018 00:27

Lavender I was thinking about you today. Look what you have already achieved , in just one day you've got up, gone to work, had a lovely walk at lunchtime and enrolled in a yoga class, that's wonderful. Go you!

You sound absolutely lovely and you deserve so very much to be happy.

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