AIBU to just give up?

[LavenderFG]

Hi

I'm a fairly long-time user, NC for this. Wasn't sure where to post it but I'm not feeling brave enough for AIBU...

I'm 45, no partner, no family to speak of, no kids, no friends. Very lonely, very unhappy. I've tried all sorts to make life better:

• I've been online dating since 2001 (yes really) - obviously without success. I've had the odd short-term relationship, all of which have ended with me being dumped like a piece of garbage.

• I've tried hobbies, evening classes, meetups, most of which have been a waste of time. People just don't want to be my friend. I have lots of acquaintances, but no-one I can really talk to.

• I've been on anti-depressants for 10 years and am seeing a counsellor. They probably are helping in the sense that I can function day-to-day (I get washed and dressed, I eat, I feed the cat), but surely there must be more than that?

I'm fat and ugly and I hate the way I look. I've tried exercising but I have a chronic health condition that makes it very difficult.

My relationship with my family is pretty non-existent: my parents were abusive, and my sister now lives abroad with her family. I love her, but we don't see each other often and anyway she's not responsible for me being happy.

There's nothing in my life that gives me joy. I've been struggling on for years, and I'm now at the stage where I think - what's the point of continuing? My life doesn't benefit anyone, I'm not happy at all - what's the point of my existence?

I've tried calling the Samaritans - when I told them I had no friends, the response I got was: 'Really? REALLY? No-one has NO friends'. I hung up, feeling much worse.

AIBU to just stop trying and hoping things will one day get better? I'm just fooling myself, aren't I?

Sorry that this sounds so negative. I've been living with all this for so long and I just can't be bothered anymore.

I am single and dating is disastrous. I do have children but that has cost me a lot of friends (I was a very young mother, I’ve never made a strong friendship group and I have little time or resource to make one).

What I have found is finding a job I love. I mean I love it. I love what I do now. I am also studying. I think channeling something you do like is what you could focus on and that brings you pleasure - whether that is a job or a hobby or volunteering. Having a purpose is fulfilling and when you don’t have that it’s easy to feel very lost. Please don’t equate everyone being happy as they have a partner or prosecco friends - being happy really can be found in many other ways and I don’t want you to give up. Sometimes we work to live and that is a massive chore in itself with no outlets. Glad you came here to post x

I struggle making and maintaining friendships, to an extent. Ive never met up 1-2-1 with a colleague. Ive only met up 1-2-1 with anyone (except my partner and one friend) a handful of times since school. The one friend I meet with every few months I know through our dogs- and we meet and walk them. My partner I knew from school. I would still say I have friends, but like others I dont have a gaggle of "girlfriends", or people I would go for a coffee with.
I have been through college, undergraduatw and postgrad. Never got anyones email. Sat alone at lunch, etc. I am very aware that I come off as stand offish and am a "cool" (like maybe cold) character. But thats my personality and I find pretending otherwise exhausting.

But I have felt much more socially fulfilled and contented with the level of social interaction I get through organised activites where, like someone said above, we "do" a thing. I find I dont need deep friendships and that these relationships I have built up are adequate.

I volunteer at a childrens club (I dont have children). I go to a local community sports thing (understand you cant do this but you can replace sport with any hobby really). Depending on your condition, you might be able to join a walk for health type group? I have also attended my local political party group now and again, volunteered as a dog walker at a local rescue (until I adopted my dog from there and had less time), and now volunteer with them at fundraising events and things mostly during summer at local fetes and sometimes at christmas time in a supermarket or something. And finally I have also volunteered at my local kids parkrun. My local parkrun run an adults one on saturday and kids on sunday. I run some saturdays and sometimes volunteer sunday. They post on their socia media if they need help. They are always very appreciative of help. Most of the volunteers are non-runners.

Also, are there any online groups for people with your medical condition? I think its easy to underestimate an online friendship. In fact, if its a common condition then there may even be a local group.

💐

I "go to church" even though I'm a non-believer. A lot of my local churches run mini cafes or coffee mornings. I started going to those (slightly different situation as I was lonely with a small child), but they were amazing and welcoming and gave me something to really look forward to each week - some human contact outside of my home.

Do you have a local animal shelter? They are often looking for dog walkers and cat cuddles.

Also, have a Google of local community projects. There's a city farm where I am that offers free courses and projects for lots people from different walks of life and physical ability, including weekly animal feeding and grooming, vegetable gardening, willow weaving and all sorts.

I think you're really brave. It takes some serious strength to keep on going when you feel the kind of weight that loneliness and depression carries. But as Churchill said, when you are going through hell, keep going.
Despite history, it doesn't always repeat and it doesn't mean your life will be like this for ever.

You’ve all been so so kind. I feel a bit overwhelmed and emotional.

Someone asked me about my counsellor. I’ve been seeing her for several years and I think we’re at the end of our time. She’s told me she thinks I’m ready to end counselling - I’m very obviously not, and so am feeling pretty rejected (when even your therapist rejects you, things have to be pretty bad..!) The history we’ve had together, and the fact she knows me so well have helped in the past, but perhaps someone new will make a difference now.

Anastasia - I have that Churchill quote on my wall. Sometimes is the only thing that gets me out of bed. Thank you for saying I’m brave - I don’t feel brave. I feel pathetic. Other people manage their lives with far more serious problems - why can’t I??

Someone asked about pets. I have a cat, and I find her company comforting. I’m such a cliche - middle-aged, single, lonely cat lady

Somehow it helps to know that other people struggle too. We’re all invisible really.

I’m going to read up about Quakers, and see if there’s a local park run near me and if they need volunteers. It’s a small start...

Is this somewhere where MN community can step in? If you’re happy to post a (generalised) location? I’m In the NW and would love to meet you for a coffee (well tea as coffee is rank) and chat?

That’s a lovely idea, Gin - but I’m in London. Maybe someone else who feels like me and lives near you would be able to take you up on that?

I wish MN did personal ads for making friends.

People often present a façade of coping to the outside world. Many times they are not. I honestly think your situation is far more common than many of us realise and I'm so glad you chose to post on here and I'm also very glad you are considering making plans. It's marvellous. Out of small acorns and all that. Great stuff.

OP I changed my counsellor to a humanistic one/approach and it made such a positive shift in my mindset. If you can, definitely look at other options. For me; I knew raking over the past wasn’t going to work, but I needed someone to reframe my present and help me break down the next steps for my future.

My life is incredibly different now, than it was eight months ago. It’s worth investigating

Spandang - thanks for this. Can you post any useful links to what humanist counselling is about? I think I do need a different approach. We’ve gone over (and over and over) my relationship with my parents and, like you, I’d like to focus more on the future.

Anastasia- you sound really lovely. I’m glad I posted here too. I feel - very very very cautiously- more optimistic than I have for months.

I think that would be a great idea mumsnetbods. As another poster said, I think social isolation is a lot more common that people realise, and social media makes it worse.
I might be a grim northerner but feel free to pm me if you want to. Def a vote for a friendship group though

Hi Lavender
The church I go to welcomes anyone and we have some things each week that are not overtly Christian such as a gentle exercise group and a cafe/ coffee morning. People who don't have any faith would also be welcome at services as well though if they wanted to come.
I'd Google churches in your area and see if any have a website. That will give you an idea of what kinds of things they do and will help you to work out if there's something you'd like to go to.
And yes, as far as services and things like coffee mornings are concerned, you can just turn up. If an event needs booking it should say so on the advert/website.

I have moved to Lincolnshire from Ireland last month. I am married with children and would love to meet potential friends.please don't think what you feel is unusual - we all feel isolated. You sound lovely btw and I adore London...

So nice to ‘hear’ a bit of optimism creeping in to your writing! I think you’re really onto something here.

A new counsellor (with a new approach), some interaction with animals, making contact with some ‘non churchy’ churchs. Sounds like a plan!

I have only one more suggestion. If you can, find a hobby or volunteering opportunity that lets you build a skill. So maybe not the ‘buttering bread for Brownies’ type roles, but instead helping in a community garden? You’d learn so much about growing things, and people would be drawn to your expertise before long.

I’ve often let my curiosity to lead me into new areas of learning, and mixing with people who have better skills than me really helps my mental wellbeing. It’s distracting, there’s socialising, I’m learning new skills and then I can fill my time at home with researching, reading, practicing the new skills.

Good luck to you!

Having suffered from depression myself I can understand how you feel. Negativity becomes overwhelming and feeds into everything. What I found helped when I was really down (suicidal) was writing a list each night before I went to bed, five positive things I’d done that day and five things I was grateful for.

In the first few paragraphs of your post alone I can identify several positives:

1. I got washed.
2. I got dressed.
3. I ate.
4. I fed the cat.
5. I went to work.

Many, many people can’t manage any of those things in a day, I had days when “ I got up” was about the only positive thing I could say about my day, so you really are doing very well and quite obviously have a lot of resilience and perseverance.

Next step things to be grateful for, from your posts I can identify the following:

1. A roof over my head.

2.Food in my cupboards.

1. My job which provides the above.
2. My cat, his love and companionship.
3. The posters on mumsnet who listened and offered advice.

Sometimes it was really hard to do, but even if you can only think of one thing each night that’s fine. The purpose is to start changing the way you think about and view things. Buy yourself a lovely notebook or journal and pen so that it feels good to write it in it each day.

I would also recommend yoga, and before you say you’re too fat, unfit etc. you’re not. Yoga is for everyone and there are classes to suit everyone, my yoga studio runs classes for injured or disabled people, we have several members with Parkinson’s, fibromyalgia, and MS. You can start with chair based yoga and as you get fitter move to mat classes.

A couple of books that might help if you are a reader: You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, and The Four Pillars of Health by Dr Ranjan Chatterjee.

You are loved, you are worthwhile, your purpose is to be you, to be happy and that is enough.

Take care and keep talking, there are people who care and want to help.

Lavender you’re in London - if anywhere near north London I can recommend a great womens’ centre. PM if you would like the address.

Sorry if it's been mentioned but what about fostering cats or dogs? You say you have a cat so perhaps that's out of the question... Maybe volunteering to walk dogs, so they don't come into your house and upset your cat?

If there is a hospital near you, again, perhaps this was mentioned but there are many very lonely folk who need visitors. The hospital social worker may be able to put you in touch with the visiting volunteer team.

Do you sing at all? Play guitar? Again - if there's a hospice near you, inquire with the social worker or chaplain on staff for music volunteering. Or even just chatting with folk who don't have visitors. Playing cards with them, reading to them. The list goes on.

You're needed op. The world turns on human beings reaching out to each other x

I'm sorry you feel so awful op it must be really hard. I'm open mouthed at someone st The Samaritans saying that to you- loneliness is a very common issue.

I know this is a bit random but have you tried aqua swim or water fitness classes? I had to go for a while as therapy for an injury - many many of the women were not especially fit and some significantly overweight but they loved the class and it wasn't too high energy. They were all 35+ and after I went about 5 times they started inviting me for the occasional social. They were so nice but it took a while before someone said 'join us for x' sometimes you have to go to stuff quite a few times.
Hang on in there, everyone is valuable

OP, I just wanted to say that I don't see you as the cliche of a single person with a cat. From what I read, you're an independent, well-educated person who manages to hold down a job despite ill health. You had the courage to put yourself out there with online dating (some don't), you know what's good for you (counselling, exercise etc).

Could you set yourself some challenges to give more purpose and structure to your days? For example, learn Italian by Christmas, join an evening class for a craft or skill you enjoy. if you're musical perhaps loo to join a choir or orchestra.
I'm not sure which country your sister lives in, but if you like the place, could you start a new adventure by finding work there and moving there too? Even if you just rent out your place so you have somewhere to come back to, and go for 6 months?
On a practical note, I've noticed since giving up/reducing sugar that it has evened out my moods and a type of carb fog lifted from the brain, leaving my head clearer. Also, by eating low carb, I inadvertently consume less inflammatory foods now so don't have aches and pains (if that's something that impacts on your health condition).
Like you, I wish I could fit in more exercise, and when I do get to yoga and pilates (rarely) I really enjoy it and feel better for ages after.
Good luck

Thank you all.

I’ve made a list of things to do that might help. I’m at work now but I’ve sent off for some info about the Quaker centre near me (which I had no idea about till last night!) and I’m looking into yoga classes near me.

Do you really think these things can lead to friendships?? Vague nodding acquaintances I can understand, but actual friendships..?

I’m very scared of rejection. I have tried joining things before and no-one seemed very interested in being friends. It’s hard not to take it personally when the common denominator is you. But I like what PrizeOik said about the world turning on human interaction.

To the poster who said I was loved: I know you meant that kindly, but I’m really not. I don’t mean to sound self-pitying but I’ve never been loved - I think that is probably at the root of why I feel so utterly worthless. I’m probably too much of a coward to kill myself but if I could press a button and just vanish, I’d do it and I don’t think anyone would even notice.

I’m trying to take comfort from this thread, but bloody hell it’s hard work. Every day is a massive struggle just to keep going.

0SometimesIWonder - I’d like that address but can’t work out how to PM on a mobile!

Your purpose might be, that by posting here you’ve made someone else feel they’re not alone in their situation. That’s a powerful thing.