Struggling with Feeling Let Down..

[Zofanjo]

DH and I have been married a year, together just over 10 years.

Recently DH got sick and this resulted in an emergency operation and so far 2 months off work. He was signed off for the first 3 weeks, but since then he's been taking unpaid leave (0 hours contract so no issues with his current job).

DH hates his job. It's a 0 hour contract and minimum wage with longish hours and a stressful environment. He expressed that while he was off work, he'd like to take the opportunity to look for other jobs/ work out what he wants to do with his career etc. All fine with me.

Anyway, his sick pay amounted to about £60 a week for the first 3 weeks, so I've taken the financial hit as although we keep finances separate, we're married and see our finances very much as pooled (I earn £35k a year and we pay all bills from my wage anyway, he normally pays for our food).

Throughout his time off I've been saying to him that I'm happy to support him financially for a while if it's taking him some time to find the right role etc. I was saving up as much as I could so I can afford to take maternity leave in the next year or so but because of the curve ball of him not working, we're going to have to postpone a baby for another year. Im desperate to have children, he knows this (he's on board too obviously) so he knows this is a massive sacrifice on my part both financially and emotionally. However, I'm more than happy to take this hit if it means he has the opportunity to get into a job he loves and break out of minimum wage. I see it as an investment in the future.

Anyway, the problem: He's been applying for jobs every day and in 8 weeks he's only had 1 interview so far, his next one is on Thursday. He didn't get the first job and it knocked his confidence a bit, but he also didn't prepare for the interview and despite me writing his cover letter for him (he's dyslexic and struggles with written stuff), he didn't even re-read it before he went in and despite me driving him to the interview, he also forgot the documentation they'd asked him to bring and when I tried doing some interview prep with him in the car on the way, he wouldn't engage at all. This irked me at the time but I figured it was his decision and I'm not there to parent him, he's an adult. We discussed it afterwards and when it came through that he hadn't got the job, he was very candid about where he had gone wrong etc etc. He continued applying for jobs.

Anyway, he's now decided he wants to go back to his old job that he hates and I'm MASSIVELY struggling because now I'm feeling like I've given him this time to figure things out for no reason at all, and actually it's a lack of commitment and effort on his part that's the reason he's not found anything suitable. I even suggested he went and did a degree apprenticeship in an area he's interested in, something again I would support him through financially but he hasn't even looked at that.

He's said he'll go back and still apply for jobs, but I know he's just going to settle back in and it will take another big event to shake him back out of his rut.

I just feel so let down and I left the bedroom last night and slept downstairs because the sound of him breathing next to me was so irritating. That's never happened before in 10 years and I'm really worried it's a sign we're going to fall apart.

To balance this, while he's been off DH has done all the housework, washing, cooking and cleaning and also looked after the dogs etc, i've done absolutely nothing for the full 8 weeks at home. He's a lovely man and I know I'm being irrational with this in a way, hence why I'm posting on MN and not talking to him about how I'm feeling. I know if I bring up how I feel about him going back, his response will be 'ok I won't go back then' because he'll try to please me and I don't want that.

Argh :(

I think I would be quite frustrated too in those circumstances. It sounds like you went out of your way to help him (possibly too far), and in return he sabotaged his chances of success by doing absolutely no preparation. Did he actually want that job? Because his actions don't make it sound like he did.

What were things like before this happened? Were they difficult or would you actually be ok with them how they were? Would it be ok if he stayed in his old job forever?

I'm wondering whether your feelings at the moment are just about the last few months and recent events, or whether they're because you're worried about everything going back to the way they were before and never changing?

Things before were fine apart from his job, it’s been the single thing in our lives that’s not working.

I think you’re right, I got over invested in it and perhaps helped hom out too much, and that’s why I’m feeling resentful.

Bah.

Would you consider him being a stay at home dad? So, to go back to his job until you've successfully conceived and finished mat leave. If he really hates his job that much and the amount you earn is that much more it's worth considering.
Is his lack of organisation around the interview down to his dyslexia or was it out of character? My DBro is v dyslexic and it definitely has a knock on effect on his ability to plan in advance what is required of him.

The plan is for him to be a stay at home dad absolutely, he’s excited for that. We’re saving because I want to take 6 months off and I’ll only get SMP, so we will need savings to fall back on while my wage dips.

It’s not out of character, he just doesn’t think. His mum babies him and did everything for him for a long time so he never learned to organise himself or be an adult. Things have always just fallen into place for him so he’s not used to having to work towards something, he’s very lucky that way.

I think this feeds my resentment a bit, we bought the house because I saved my ass off for 5 years before and during uni to scrape a deposit together so that when I graduated I could get a property (don’t worry, I ring fenced my deposit money in the mortgage agreement) which he then of course benefitted from when we moved in together. If it wasn’t for me he would absolutely still live with his mum.

I sound like a really shit wife, I know. I think my resentment has built up because it’s constantly on me to think ahead and plan for the future, he just breezes through it all. Like the maternity leave thing, it didn’t even occur to him that we might need some savings before we had a baby so I could take time off . He’s wanted a baby for 5 years but I was very clear I wanted to be earning a certain amount (£30k) and have enough money to be able to take 6 months off with the baby. He wants to be a stay at home dad which is awesome and at that point I think I’ll have less of an issue with things, it’s just now before we have kids he’s got an amazing opportunity to figure out what he wants to do, completely funded by me and he’s wasting it :(

I think he's waiting for your to get upduffed, so he can stay at home and not have to work, this leaves you in a shit situation with him being resident parent, should you split up.

I wonder if if he's been hedging his bets work wise waiting for the above to happen with regards to sabotaging his options. Sorry op I think your not compatible, and will be struggling with him in the future, because you are already

I think he's a cocklodger in waiting

Zofanjo it sounds as if you and your DH have very different motivations and aspirations. I'm afraid I think your relationship would crack under the exhaustion and financial issues that come with a baby.

He'll be waiting a bloody long time for me to get upduffed if that's his plan, I desperately want to start a family but I'm not stupid.

We do have very different aspirations but we also get on extremely well and are very compatible in so many other ways.

The way I see it, if I was a man and I had a wife who had a minimum wage job but planned to stay at home after she had children, there wouldn't be much of an issue, so in the cocklodger respect I don't actually have a problem with him earning less and not being career minded. If he didn't complain so much about his job and it didn't make him so down, I'd be happy for him to just work where he is until we have kids.

I think my problem is that he said after his operation that he was super up for a change and motivated to find something else, so I really did believe he'd make an effort this time to figure it all out which is why I agreed to support him financially for a bit. Now he's changed his mind and wants to go back to his job, I almost feel like he took advantage of me and got a 2 month holiday out of it while I stressed about money and shifted budgets around AND sacrificed another year before we can have kids. It just all feels a bit shit.

There's no reason you can't both work and have children, why is he defacto stay at home parent?

Guilty because his wage isn't high enough to cover the cost of childcare and neither is his earning potential. It would make no sense at all for him to work when it would be costing us money for him to do so. He could potentially pick up a shift at the weekend, but as I work weekdays I want to have family time at the weekends and as we can afford for that to happen, I don't see why we should sacrifice that for the £40 a week or so he'd be bringing in from doing that.

You are absolutely not a shit wife! And I understand why you feel some resentment . I think I would too in your situation re the house and you feel he doesn’t really appreciate all the hard work you put in to saving for it.

I understand how harsh my posts must sound

And I get that he's a fan fella with some good if not excellent points

But but real life has a way of biting us on the arse, if heaven forbid you become incapacitated and can't work for a while or ever, he isn't able to pick up the slack

You have no fall back plan, it took 2 months for you too realise how flakey he really is at his core. If your willing to be soul earner chief cheer leader and sacrifice your life to keeping him afloat and happy, then that's fine.

But your on here asking us our thoughts, and I've still read nothing that doesn't make him sound like a cocklodger even if he's a well intentioned harmless one

He can still look for a new role while earning.

I wouldn’t want to be sole breadwinner and my partner the primary carer for future DC (and nor would my H). Nor would I want to financially subsidise an adult who is fit to work.

His career issues are his problem - writing applications etc for him won’t help either of you.

Depending on your attitude to financial and other kinds of risk it seems unwise to have DC. How old are yoy?

I’m 27 and I agree, right now I would t have children with him, not after the last few weeks

How do traditional stay at home parent couples handle this stuff? What do they do if the bloke becomes too ill to work and the woman has been off with kids for 4 years? When the kid/s go to school the plan is for him to return to work part time which I thought was fairly normal?

Playing devil's advocate a bit here, if he's been applying for jobs every day and has only got 2 interviews in 8 weeks, I'm not sure what more he could do? (Other than not fudge one of the only two interviews he had of course!).
Contrary to how it may come across, I totally get your resentment, his behaviour would drive me bananas. But I'm wondering if it's colouring your view of the situation. If he's really applied for that many jobs with barely a result then resigning himself to return to his old job sounds more like could be his self worth taking a battering than him being lazy.

have you considered that he may have lost his confidence? He was on a minimum wage, zero hours contract. He became ill requiring surgery. He had to take two months off to recuperate. He's applied for loads of jobs but only one interview, which he messed up. Sounds like he's just given up to me, thinks his original job is all he's worth.

I think you're all being a bit harsh.

I think he's waiting for your to get upduffed, so he can stay at home and not have to work, this leaves you in a shit situation with him being resident parent, should you split up

That's exactly what I thought before I even got to the excited to be a sahd part.

He knows it's just a matter of time, these types of men can play the long game quite happily. You may just have to accept that OP if you want this man.

That's if everything goes to plan, babies can have a habit of not being straightforward sometimes.

Whilst he’s enjoyed his extended break has he done the majority of housework, shopping, cooking, mental load etc?

Most couples don’t have a SAHM (the proportion of SAHDs is still tiny).

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be the sole breadwinner.

The has said he does do the housework etc

I think the question for me is that there are no guarantees that if he becomes a sahd that he will continue to do so, or things might go wrong g health wise

It's sad that he is low and probably is a bit depressed and his self esteem may well have taking a hit. It's also sad that he might never hit the potential he wishes he had
And he's peaked with earning potential

The question though is a harsh one,

Is he good enough to have as a life partner?

Can he overcome his current obstacles, and re learn skills, does the op need someone who's more dynamic and an achiever, who also can offer her the good bits from her current dp.

Is the op a carer and a helper who gives more than she expects back, will she look back and resent that she has to be the Provider because he isn't able to
Or good enough.

He doesn’t sound like a cocklodger to me, he has pulled his weight at home having been off sick which is more than many would do.

Sounds like a confidence crisis to me, fear of failure can paralyse you from doing obvious things which would help towards success. I’ve always been like this and as a consequence have only achieved things which have been easy for me (eg provincial solicitor rather than attempting London barrister).

Maybe encourage him for one more push at job hunting?

Penfold yes, he's done absolutely everything at home while he's been off, it's been brilliant not to have to think about things like cooking and cleaning etc. We usually share it 50/50, he keeps on top of it during the week and I do a deep clean at the weekend and we share the cooking. But while he's been off he's been doing the deep clean on Friday so it's nice for me at the weekend, walking the dogs, doing all the washing, ironing and putting away of clothes, all the cooking and shopping, changing the bed etc and he's also done a few big jobs that needed doing like cleaning the oven and touched up the paint work in the living room. He's also packed me a packed lunch every day for work and left it in the fridge for me to take in the morning. He's by no means lazing about at home at all.

Re: him wanting to be a stay at home Dad: again I don't see an issue with this. It's something he used to talk about back when he was 20ish and we'd only been together a couple of years. I've always been super career minded but crave a family, he's never been career motivated and really does see his calling in life to be raising kids. It's actually something I really love about him, he's very happy go lucky and brilliant with kids. I have no doubt my kids would grow up as really brilliant people with him as a main carer.

I think you're right and it is colouring my view a bit and this could be that he's had his confidence knocked by the lack of responses to applications and he's resigning himself to the fact he can't escape his current job. That must be a horrific feeling. He's applied for 2-3 jobs a day and I know that's true because we share a family email account he's been using so I see the automated email responses coming through on my phone. He's had a few rejection emails too but mostly people just don't reply. His CV isn't strong, he left uni 7 years ago and he's worked in the same job ever since and it's unskilled work. he question of him retraining has come up before though which again I'm finding frustrating because he's had so many opportunities to change things and do something different.

I would encourage him to continue to work, and seek better work. But not do it for him.

And tell him that on reflection I would no longer be happy for him to be a SAHD and wished to share earning and parenting. And suggest saving and budgeting etc.

What are his qualifications like?

Your idea of him seems romanticised. You don’t actually know how he would behave as a parent until crunch time.

Would you be happy being a non resident parent and paying maintenance to your ex? Many people wouldn’t.

Why subsidise him to get another qualification when he didn’t use his existing degree? You have already financially subsidised him, probably to the tune of many thousands.