Struggling with Feeling Let Down..

[Zofanjo]

DH and I have been married a year, together just over 10 years.

Recently DH got sick and this resulted in an emergency operation and so far 2 months off work. He was signed off for the first 3 weeks, but since then he's been taking unpaid leave (0 hours contract so no issues with his current job).

DH hates his job. It's a 0 hour contract and minimum wage with longish hours and a stressful environment. He expressed that while he was off work, he'd like to take the opportunity to look for other jobs/ work out what he wants to do with his career etc. All fine with me.

Anyway, his sick pay amounted to about £60 a week for the first 3 weeks, so I've taken the financial hit as although we keep finances separate, we're married and see our finances very much as pooled (I earn £35k a year and we pay all bills from my wage anyway, he normally pays for our food).

Throughout his time off I've been saying to him that I'm happy to support him financially for a while if it's taking him some time to find the right role etc. I was saving up as much as I could so I can afford to take maternity leave in the next year or so but because of the curve ball of him not working, we're going to have to postpone a baby for another year. Im desperate to have children, he knows this (he's on board too obviously) so he knows this is a massive sacrifice on my part both financially and emotionally. However, I'm more than happy to take this hit if it means he has the opportunity to get into a job he loves and break out of minimum wage. I see it as an investment in the future.

Anyway, the problem: He's been applying for jobs every day and in 8 weeks he's only had 1 interview so far, his next one is on Thursday. He didn't get the first job and it knocked his confidence a bit, but he also didn't prepare for the interview and despite me writing his cover letter for him (he's dyslexic and struggles with written stuff), he didn't even re-read it before he went in and despite me driving him to the interview, he also forgot the documentation they'd asked him to bring and when I tried doing some interview prep with him in the car on the way, he wouldn't engage at all. This irked me at the time but I figured it was his decision and I'm not there to parent him, he's an adult. We discussed it afterwards and when it came through that he hadn't got the job, he was very candid about where he had gone wrong etc etc. He continued applying for jobs.

Anyway, he's now decided he wants to go back to his old job that he hates and I'm MASSIVELY struggling because now I'm feeling like I've given him this time to figure things out for no reason at all, and actually it's a lack of commitment and effort on his part that's the reason he's not found anything suitable. I even suggested he went and did a degree apprenticeship in an area he's interested in, something again I would support him through financially but he hasn't even looked at that.

He's said he'll go back and still apply for jobs, but I know he's just going to settle back in and it will take another big event to shake him back out of his rut.

I just feel so let down and I left the bedroom last night and slept downstairs because the sound of him breathing next to me was so irritating. That's never happened before in 10 years and I'm really worried it's a sign we're going to fall apart.

To balance this, while he's been off DH has done all the housework, washing, cooking and cleaning and also looked after the dogs etc, i've done absolutely nothing for the full 8 weeks at home. He's a lovely man and I know I'm being irrational with this in a way, hence why I'm posting on MN and not talking to him about how I'm feeling. I know if I bring up how I feel about him going back, his response will be 'ok I won't go back then' because he'll try to please me and I don't want that.

Argh :(

I totally agree with ByeMF

He’s done all he could whilst off both to support you at home as he’s not been earning, and to find another job.

I think he’s right having decided to stick with his current job so he’s at least earning still and then look from there.

What else could he have done?

Much depends on what he’s been applying for. If he’s been applying for jobs a step or two up from his current zero hours and low paid one, great. If he’s been applying for graduate jobs, then he’s been unrealistic with his CV. Has he tried other things to improve his position - volunteering, free or low cost training, networking?

Could he do some volunteering in the relevant area to boost his confidence and cv.
If you plan on having children and only taking the minimum maternity leave you might not want to go back to work full time or you might not be physically able to for some time. I had an ok pregnancy (I never got the glowing stage) but a really really long difficult labour that I'm still not fully recovered from nearly a year later and I am working (self employed) but I'm taking it very very easy. I had planned on going straight back to work with baby strapped to me.

Would you be happy being a non resident parent and paying maintenance to your ex? Many people wouldn’t

Which there's a very real chance of happening if you split up. But you can't go through life on what ifs. You might struggle to leave baby to go back to work, he might not actually be able to cope being the stay at home parent when it comes to it. You may get hit with PND and it could disable you enough so you can't go back to work.

You need a back up plan.

He does sound lovely op, even his saying when he was 20's saying he wants to be at home bringing up the kids. If a woman has said that then no one would,bat an eye lid it's true.

I know I'm projecting from my end, because alpha male stereotypes and gendered roles were ridgedly enforced through my childhood, and even today with my parents. It's made me overly cautious and quite alpha female, I have to be very careful that I don't judge guys who present as your dp as weak or as I said cocklodgers.

I also fell in to the trap of caretaker, which enabled a few idiots to take full advantage of me, and being such a strong woman myself, I felt such a fool.

So I guess the question now is, is there a happy medium to be found between you?
This is going to take a lot of communication and maybe negotiation, ide even tell him how you felt about the last 2 months, and see what he feels about it.

He's educated to degree level, he got a 2:1 in music production.

He's been applying for customer service roles as this is the bit of his job that he really really enjoys and he's very good at. He wants to work in a public facing role, preferably as a shift manager or similar which is a step up from his current role.

He hasn't tried anyhting other than applying online for jobs no, again I've suggested looking at courses etc but he wasn't keen.

I don't know what else I expect him to do to be honest, I think you're right and he's decided it's not going to work out so he's going back to his job to earn money and take the pressure off our finances rather than he's just changed his mind, I feel bad.

This has really helped.

Plenty of people would “bat an eyelid” at women saying that. Plenty of men are unwilling to be sole earner.

You CAN plan on “what ifs” when those what ifs are a highly likely scenario - should she have DC with her H and work FT while he SAH the most likely scenario (50% of marriages break down) is OP being the non resident parent.

“Struggling” leaving a baby to return to WoH is a common experience, but millions of us have done it. One person doesn’t get to determine that they will be economically inactive while the other works, unless the other person agrees.

Injury or ill health making WoH difficult or impossible is relatively rare, but does happen, it sadly happened to my DM at a relatively young age. My DF also had spells of unemployment. Difficult.

my worry would be that even if it all pans out and you have children and he becomes a stay at home dad, will he make the effort required to get school kit ready, fill in forms, ensure homework is done, arrange trips, drs appointments, dentist appointments etc., or will he be just as shit at that and you end up having to do it all. What's his executive functioning like in day to day life? Who organises everything? It's all well and good having a clean floor but who sorts out the bills and completes online applications etc? Be careful you're not landing yourself with another child.

Nothing to feel bad about: you’d already been financially supporting him! not being U to expect him to work.

Those kind of jobs should be achieveable.

He IS lovely, completely oblivious to the whole alpha male thing and couldnt care less about male stereotypes.

The resident parent thing does worry me. Obviously I don't ever plan on splitting with DH but I've been careful to protect myself in all other aspects of our relationship, something DH has been really insistent on too. For example, my initial deposit is ring fenced in our mortgage agreement, we keep separate bank accounts, i waited until we'd been together 10 years and lived together for 4 before I agreed to marry him etc.

I can't, however, keep my career and have DH as a stay at home parent without risking him becoming resident parent and being entitled to spousal support etc. Does that then mean that we can't have kids ever because I'll always be at risk of him leaving and taking the kids with him?

I trust him completely and know for a solid fact he'd never ever do anything like that, it's just not in him but I realise this sounds naive on a forum like this :(

I think you're being too hard on him. He had surgery and he's only been off 2 months including the surgery and recovery. He's applied for jobs daily and did all of the housework. He's done everything possible.

You've been with him 10 years. You knew his job was min wage and his qualifications useless so this isn't anything new.

He sounds pretty demoralised and lacking confidence about his lot in life.

If he's not getting call backs for customer service jobs then his CV needs reworked. I like the idea about volunteering and also try to encourage him to get another qualification for something in demand that pays decent.

MaudlinMews I have no doubt at all that DH would be fine with life admin with children. Currently I sort out bills because they are paid from my account, but he would be absolutely capable of running a household, probably more so than I would be tbh. If i get any important looking post, it's DH who texts me to tell me and asks if I want him to open it. If it needs dealing with, he'll write a note for me on the fridge to remind me to deal with it if it's something from my accounts. It's actually why we have the joint email address, because that way whenever we get emails about house stuff he picks them up and deals with the ones he can, then flags any that need to be done by me.

Writing this out I'm realising he's actually ace.

He just sounds averagely organised. That’s all just household admin, and you manage the bills.

You could plan to have DC but with a different model of earning and parenting - both working. It’s what most couples with DC do.

With his current job he wouldn’t be able to afford any paternity leave and covering childcare could be costly so you may need to downsize your home, for example.

What's the expectation when the kids are at school full time?
And what about when they leave school, if he's not needed as a full time parent anymore, will he be able to go back in to full time employment. Will he want to

Loopy, he can't earn enough to cover the cost of childcare as I mentioned so it makes absolutely no sense for him to work if we have children currently.

The idea of downsizing our home is also laughable. We live in a tiny end terrace in one of the cheapest areas in the country and our mortgage comes to a whopping £400 a month . I was earning £16k a year when we bought the house, I now earn £35k which is more than our combined income was in total 4 years ago.

The original plan was I'd take the first 6 months on maternity leave (combining savings with SMP to pay the bills) while we lived frugally on DH's wage for food and occasional treats. Then, i'd hopefully go back to work full time and DH would at that point quit his job and be a SAHP. If we were lucky enough to have a second baby in the next 3 years or so after that, DH would start looking for work a few months into my pregnancy and we'd try and work it so his job starting coincided with my second maternity leave. Then we'd do the same again, DH would stop working after my mat leave finished until the LO's were school age and then go back to work part time. That's the dream. Before anyone jumps on me, yes I know things don't workout as planned and there's a million reasons this might not work. I'm not stupid.

It would indeed “make sense” for him to (hopefully temporarily) work “at a loss” though, if you don’t want to be the sole earner.

Some low earners do evening or weekend work, which reduces childcare costs. You probably earn too much to make benefits likely but may get some reduced cost childcare when DC turn 2 or 3.

Those housing costs are low, which is good.

Also, he COULD earn more. The evidencr suggests he has not tried many avenues to do so. If you change “the deal”, by explaining that you would now expect to share working and parenting, he has time to “step up”.

It's very odd. Because if a woman wanted to be a sham, people would be saying that if both partners were happy then do it.

No one would be calling the woman a vag-lodger (Is the the female equivalent of a cocklodger?) Or assuming she couldn't get the kids organised and to school, or talking about residency in the event of a split.

Women don't get judged if they aren't that interested in their career and can't wait to be sahms.

And people wonder why the number of sahd is so low. Because of the judgements.

That's a decent plan but that's assuming a healthy pregnancy. You could be incapacitated as some woman are.

I wonder if maybe a decent chunk of savings in advance might cushion some of that a bit. Is that worth thinking about before getting pregnant?

If you change “the deal”, by explaining that you would now expect to share working and parenting, he has time to “step up”.

But the OP hasn't changed her mind about him being a sahd.

men too are aware of the risks with respect to custody of DC with a sahm set up. Or don’t marry to avoid financial consequences. Also plenty of negative assumptions about sahms.

She seems to be questioning it.

men too are aware of the risks with respect to custody of DC with a sahm set up. Or don’t marry to avoid financial consequences. Also plenty of negative assumptions about sahms.

Yes men are aware. But if a woman wanted to be a sahm, there would not be the same judgment on mumsnet. No one would be saying 'oh what if he becomes ill and can't work. It would be very much 'if you and your dh agree, do it. Just be mindful

She seems to be questioning it.

I don't see that myself. I just see a bunch of people trying to convince her that a man who is a sahd is a cocklodger.

Women with no DC who don’t work and are financially dependent would and do get criticised on MN. The sexes aren’t the issue here.

I don’t personally think OP’s H is “cocklodging”, but she is financially supporting him, and he hasn’t done much to improve his work situation or earn more, which is a big problem IMO if OP doesn’t wish to be sole earner long term.