A friend is going through a crisis, lots of issues but main one being a break up. Her DP left saying he needed space and was exhausted.
There are problems on both sides but I understand how he feels re the exhaustion.
She is working on her problems, seeing a counseller etc, she's not in any denial and is certainly trying to sort herself out.
The trouble is we both live alone, pretty much middle of nowhere (to be honest I don't, I live with DP, but to all intents alone right now, as he is abroad for a few months) a few miles apart. She cannot hack it but for me it's not a problem (I have car and pets, she doesn't., but she is very very rich and gets taxi everywhere.. or me! but I get that it's more isolating for her.. I like my own company, she doesn't like being alone and she is the one who got dumped).
She wants me there at her beck and call. Right now while DP is away there are two things I need to focus on..and one of those is finding a job.. I have no money coming in) however like it or not I seem to be running her life (through her persuasion) and I'm the last person who should be , but it's not about me and I do what i can..trying to be a friend.
I don't mind the social stuff, the taking her to places, shops, medical appointments etc, that's what friends do. It's the constant never being left alone to get on with the things I need to. She has no boundaries. I'm starting to feel panicky. When she was with her DP I could go months with her ignoring me! The issue is the bombardment of emails, texts, phone calls. As I write this I hear my phone going ping ping ping and it's her.
She needs reassurance and someone to rant to 24/7. It's like she's transferred her addictive behaviour from her ex to me. She IS a lovely person she is a good generous friend and she is having lots of problems but how can I help when I'm given no space at all...
Today I had to fake a migraine and that's not the first time I've had to do that. I feel bad for that. However , I got no peace. Constant voicemails and texts 'when are you coming round are you coming to see me' . And yes this happens when I'm genuinely sick too which I would never do to a friend!. I'm so worn out. I can't concentrate on the things that need to be done as she's constantly ringing and emailing and if I don't reply she panics ..I feel so claustrophobic.
She has no car but she found a short cut through the fields from hers to mine.. so I can't even 'hide' as she ends up shouting through my letter box or banging on the window... I can't say I'm out as she can see my car is here (unless I've 'gone for a walk' but then she just waits.). As I said I don't mind doing the stuff we agreed to do but it's the every second of the day no peace that I have the issue with!
I tried turning phone off but then I miss important calls , also as I live out here I want to be able to grab phone if there's an emergency (some of the nearest houses have been burgled for eg) . Also as I'm applying for jobs I get calls I don't want to miss.
I've tried to make it clear re boundaries ie 'tomorrow I'll pick you up at 6 in the meantime I have to do A and B' kind of thing, but this doesn't work. I'm bombarded until that time. eg she'll ring saying 'are you doing A and B? When do you finish ? How is your day?' etc. As i said not just one message but constant. And it's not just about her 'issues' but she can ring for hours asking advice about her new purchases, really petty things like can I help her choose a clock , place mats etc (I'm about to start using a food bank ! It's not jealousy by the way.. I could never do her job.. I moved here for a peaceful slower pace of life after living in London and working all hours like she does!)
I want to help (I mean I've spent the last month literally holding her hand)but can't cope much more :(
For context, I don't know why she wants my help. I'm the pauper living hand to mouth in a falling down cottage trying to help the successful businesswoman who is a different generation to me. But I am here and close and she doesn't have close family and friends. (She is not from this country but we do have mutual friends..but she only wants to talk to me as the rest are men and friends with her DP still)
I like her but I am being dragged down so much I don't see how I can keep helping like this.. she is not working much right now so she is not used to having all this time on her hands and she is taking advantage of me not working (but I NEED to be working!)
What can you do with someone who doesn't respect boundaries? I'm amazed someone of her position doesn't (she's very high up in her field) Sometimes I think I"m just her unpaid assistant. I have my life to sort out and I was meant to be doing that in DP's absence and she doesn't respect that.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
How to support a friend when I am feeling totally 'suffocated' and exhausted
alltoomuchrightnow · 19/06/2018 23:20
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.