How to support a friend when I am feeling totally 'suffocated' and exhausted

[alltoomuchrightnow]

A friend is going through a crisis, lots of issues but main one being a break up. Her DP left saying he needed space and was exhausted.
There are problems on both sides but I understand how he feels re the exhaustion.
She is working on her problems, seeing a counseller etc, she's not in any denial and is certainly trying to sort herself out.
The trouble is we both live alone, pretty much middle of nowhere (to be honest I don't, I live with DP, but to all intents alone right now, as he is abroad for a few months) a few miles apart. She cannot hack it but for me it's not a problem (I have car and pets, she doesn't., but she is very very rich and gets taxi everywhere.. or me! but I get that it's more isolating for her.. I like my own company, she doesn't like being alone and she is the one who got dumped).
She wants me there at her beck and call. Right now while DP is away there are two things I need to focus on..and one of those is finding a job.. I have no money coming in) however like it or not I seem to be running her life (through her persuasion) and I'm the last person who should be , but it's not about me and I do what i can..trying to be a friend.
I don't mind the social stuff, the taking her to places, shops, medical appointments etc, that's what friends do. It's the constant never being left alone to get on with the things I need to. She has no boundaries. I'm starting to feel panicky. When she was with her DP I could go months with her ignoring me! The issue is the bombardment of emails, texts, phone calls. As I write this I hear my phone going ping ping ping and it's her.
She needs reassurance and someone to rant to 24/7. It's like she's transferred her addictive behaviour from her ex to me. She IS a lovely person she is a good generous friend and she is having lots of problems but how can I help when I'm given no space at all...
Today I had to fake a migraine and that's not the first time I've had to do that. I feel bad for that. However , I got no peace. Constant voicemails and texts 'when are you coming round are you coming to see me' . And yes this happens when I'm genuinely sick too which I would never do to a friend!. I'm so worn out. I can't concentrate on the things that need to be done as she's constantly ringing and emailing and if I don't reply she panics ..I feel so claustrophobic.
She has no car but she found a short cut through the fields from hers to mine.. so I can't even 'hide' as she ends up shouting through my letter box or banging on the window... I can't say I'm out as she can see my car is here (unless I've 'gone for a walk' but then she just waits.). As I said I don't mind doing the stuff we agreed to do but it's the every second of the day no peace that I have the issue with!
I tried turning phone off but then I miss important calls , also as I live out here I want to be able to grab phone if there's an emergency (some of the nearest houses have been burgled for eg) . Also as I'm applying for jobs I get calls I don't want to miss.
I've tried to make it clear re boundaries ie 'tomorrow I'll pick you up at 6 in the meantime I have to do A and B' kind of thing, but this doesn't work. I'm bombarded until that time. eg she'll ring saying 'are you doing A and B? When do you finish ? How is your day?' etc. As i said not just one message but constant. And it's not just about her 'issues' but she can ring for hours asking advice about her new purchases, really petty things like can I help her choose a clock , place mats etc (I'm about to start using a food bank ! It's not jealousy by the way.. I could never do her job.. I moved here for a peaceful slower pace of life after living in London and working all hours like she does!)
I want to help (I mean I've spent the last month literally holding her hand)but can't cope much more :(
For context, I don't know why she wants my help. I'm the pauper living hand to mouth in a falling down cottage trying to help the successful businesswoman who is a different generation to me. But I am here and close and she doesn't have close family and friends. (She is not from this country but we do have mutual friends..but she only wants to talk to me as the rest are men and friends with her DP still)
I like her but I am being dragged down so much I don't see how I can keep helping like this.. she is not working much right now so she is not used to having all this time on her hands and she is taking advantage of me not working (but I NEED to be working!)
What can you do with someone who doesn't respect boundaries? I'm amazed someone of her position doesn't (she's very high up in her field) Sometimes I think I"m just her unpaid assistant. I have my life to sort out and I was meant to be doing that in DP's absence and she doesn't respect that.

[Passingwords]

Perfect time to suggest she employs a housekeeper, especially is she's housebound, chores and cleaning need doing- she can afford it and will have someone's ear to bend and be first port of call rather than you - preferably a live in housekeeper/ companion

[Mrstobe90]

I'd be brutally honest and say "you are suffocating me and it's making me resent this friendship. I need time away or I'm afraid I'll have to cut ties with you"

[alltoomuchrightnow]

I wish I could say that my talk had worked..but..... :(
Today totally bombarded again. Have ignored but does wind me up.
She knew I was not free today, had so much to do at home.
Kept messaging 'if you are going into town later' (she kept saying yesterday how she needs bank etc) After i'd ignored for few hours the texts are followed up with 'my invite to the new italian coffee house if we are going to town' . I mean, argghh!! She knows I don't drink any hot drinks. It's hardly a treat. But I simply don't have the free time anyway to break off what I'm doing, pick her up (out of the way) , drive to town, faff around parking and watch her do her errands and then watch her drink coffee.... It's always like this. I hope the message gets through , when I ignore, she'll just bored..but I doubt it.
I remember recently she wanted to go to the tip. Every day for two weeks 'if you are going to the tip today , let me know' . I have NEVER mentioned the tip. I just ignored them until one day I snapped and said what is this, it's so random, I don't go to the tip, I have never been to the tip, I don't even know where the tip is ' (why can't people say what they mean? ! Why couldn't she just ask, is there any chance I could have a lift to the tip?)

[alltoomuchrightnow]

Also she knows I am totally completely skint, so why would I be wanting to go into town for a leisurely afternoon ie fucking miserable because I have no money

[TellsEveryoneRealFacts]

Because you haven't told her straight to back off.

[LiteraryDevil1]

FFS just block her number. Either do something to end this situation or realise that you are allowing it to continue because you haven't told her straight.

[BeautifulFern]

She. Will. Never. Accept. Your. Boundaries.

You can wring your hands all you like OP, and complain about the injustice of it all. But it will never change.

[sonjadog]

You have got into a strange relationship with this woman. You are going to have to be much, much clearer with her. No hints, no tact, no trying to get someone else to do it. You need to get angry and tell her straight. I understand that you feel sorry for her, but her misfortunes do not make your own life goals irrelevant and they are not a reason for her to ignore your wishes and treat you as she chooses. Personally, I think you'd be better off breaking the connection entirely, but if you aren't prepared to do that, you need to be very clear and firm in your boundaries with her from now on.

[Baubletrouble43]

She's an emotional vampire. I had one of these. Had to bin them. Sounds heartless but their neediness sucks all the compassion out of you till there's nothing left but annoyance.

[Baubletrouble43]

Good advice from Sonja. I got cross with mine and laid down some boundaries. Never heard from them again. I assume they are sucking the lifeblood out of some other poor bastard.

[Fuckwithnosensesauce]

I am sorry to sound unsupportive, but you are allowing the situation to occur. Everytime she takes advantage of you, it is your fault for letting her. She is not your friend, not really. I had someone like this, just as egocentric, and had to go no contact because she sucked all the life and energy out of me. It's you or her i am afraid. You will understand what i am saying once you do the Freedom Prog. Please make that one of your priorities- something you are going to do for yourself.

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

Have you still got an appointment to go or have they both happened? If they haven't, text her, ince, saying you are no longer able to take her then block her number.

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

OP - it's not that she doesn't realise or that she can't take a hint or that she doesn't listen. Believe me she KNOWS she's being an overbearing, selfish cunt. The thing is as long as her own needs are being met she won't care about how uncomfortable it makes you - narcissists care only about themselves.

Spell it out for her once more and if she doesn't start respecting your privacy I'm afraid you're going to just have to tell her to fuck off.

You say you didn't hear from her for months on end, so if her boyfriend came back tomorrow she'd drop you like a sack of shit anyway. I'm sure she'll find another poor soul to cling onto before long so don't feel too guilty over it. Don't take this the wrong way but I doubt it's YOU she wants to be so close to, she just can't be alone. She sounds unbearable.

Good luck xx

[SoleBizzz]

I feel you are dependent upon her too. You need to be sensible and cut her out if your life. Block and don't answer the door.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

I'll read the new replies over again in a bit , thanks (in middle of something). The relationship with her for the first few years was, just 'DP's friend'. She is in his circle and I was the latecomer as moved in with DP (DP is a very old friend of mine though but we'd not been in touch for years). Her closest friend is also DP's closest friend (I don't want to say 'best friends' as sounds daft when talking about people in their 50s and 60s!) But she latched onto me.. and more so since her ex left. And DP and the friend DO expect me to be there for her.. easy for them to say when they are abroad, and DP is away for 3 long months.. he had enough and was calling her bunny boiler before he left! But she has done a lot for them (business wise too, long story- they are all linked to a project) and they do like her, they just don't like her obsessive behaviour. So yeh.... I got lumbered and she was never my personal friend. Basically I did some paid work for her and her company and I still, then, saw her as DP's friend more than mine and semi-boss. And that worked a lot better like that. But the line got crossed without me hardly noticing.. she wanted to do more social stuff, well that was fine by me as I'd moved to the area and didn't know anyone. It was nice to have a new female friend. But gradually she started becoming more 'dependent' (weird as I was the one doing ad hoc work for her) and since her DP left, well you know the rest..

[alltoomuchrightnow]

re the Freedom programme, I left a message.. and will try again on Monday.

[LizzieSiddal]

She’s driven her DP away and now she’s doing the same to you.

Can’t you see that she’s never going to change unless she seeks some kind of therapy? She obviously didn’t listen to her Ex, why do you think she’ll listen to you?

If she’s welthynshe can afford helonwjile she recovers form her op. Tell her you’re going away (she won’t be able to come and see you) so she better get something sorted.

[LizzieSiddal]

Excuse typos😂 not sure what happened there!

[alltoomuchrightnow]

She's having therapy. I don't think once a week is enough though!

[Walkaboutwendy]

She's treating you like one of those lady companions you read of in 19th century novels. You are suppose to trot along after her just for the gratification of being in her company and be reliant on her generosity. Either that or she's Hyacinth Bucket and you're her Elizabeth

Sounds like deep down she has a pathological fear of being alone and is using you to try to manage that fear which is unsustainable. You need to be clear with her not just for your own sanity but for hers so she can start properly dealing with her issues.

[WakeUpMaggie]

You can't control her behavior but you can control how you react to her. So it's up to you. Either block her and/or be very firm when you will have contact and when you won't, or carry on being a martyr. Your choice.

[Petalflowers]

Can you get a new phone, even a cheap PAYG phone, so you still have contact tomthe outside world and am not cut off completely. Then you can turn your main phone off, and literally check it three times a day, for my important calls.

I think it may be time to cut off this friend completely, for,your own sake. She is bleeding you dry emotionally. You need to look after yourself.

[LiteraryDevil1]

You can do the freedom programme online. All I'm hearing is excuses here so it's sounding like you're enjoying your role as martyr. Don't ask for advice if you've no intention of doing anything to change your situation. I'm out.

[alltoomuchrightnow]

no Literary, I'm not . I have established boundaries and am sticking to them. I am very likely to use one of my old phones too. I really want do the Freedom programme in person .
Yes she does have that fear, Walk, but that's not my problem. She's got the money to get out there . I've told her this... she can jump on a train, has enough work colleagues wanting to socialise. She said ah well they're not real friends ; I really don't care, she doesn't have to be alone

[Walkaboutwendy]

That's my point. Whilst she's got you she doesn't have to get out there. By withdrawing from her (for your own sanity) you are forcing her to deal with things. So you are doing the right thing backing away and making it her problem to deal with.