How to support a friend when I am feeling totally 'suffocated' and exhausted

[alltoomuchrightnow]

A friend is going through a crisis, lots of issues but main one being a break up. Her DP left saying he needed space and was exhausted.
There are problems on both sides but I understand how he feels re the exhaustion.
She is working on her problems, seeing a counseller etc, she's not in any denial and is certainly trying to sort herself out.
The trouble is we both live alone, pretty much middle of nowhere (to be honest I don't, I live with DP, but to all intents alone right now, as he is abroad for a few months) a few miles apart. She cannot hack it but for me it's not a problem (I have car and pets, she doesn't., but she is very very rich and gets taxi everywhere.. or me! but I get that it's more isolating for her.. I like my own company, she doesn't like being alone and she is the one who got dumped).
She wants me there at her beck and call. Right now while DP is away there are two things I need to focus on..and one of those is finding a job.. I have no money coming in) however like it or not I seem to be running her life (through her persuasion) and I'm the last person who should be , but it's not about me and I do what i can..trying to be a friend.
I don't mind the social stuff, the taking her to places, shops, medical appointments etc, that's what friends do. It's the constant never being left alone to get on with the things I need to. She has no boundaries. I'm starting to feel panicky. When she was with her DP I could go months with her ignoring me! The issue is the bombardment of emails, texts, phone calls. As I write this I hear my phone going ping ping ping and it's her.
She needs reassurance and someone to rant to 24/7. It's like she's transferred her addictive behaviour from her ex to me. She IS a lovely person she is a good generous friend and she is having lots of problems but how can I help when I'm given no space at all...
Today I had to fake a migraine and that's not the first time I've had to do that. I feel bad for that. However , I got no peace. Constant voicemails and texts 'when are you coming round are you coming to see me' . And yes this happens when I'm genuinely sick too which I would never do to a friend!. I'm so worn out. I can't concentrate on the things that need to be done as she's constantly ringing and emailing and if I don't reply she panics ..I feel so claustrophobic.
She has no car but she found a short cut through the fields from hers to mine.. so I can't even 'hide' as she ends up shouting through my letter box or banging on the window... I can't say I'm out as she can see my car is here (unless I've 'gone for a walk' but then she just waits.). As I said I don't mind doing the stuff we agreed to do but it's the every second of the day no peace that I have the issue with!
I tried turning phone off but then I miss important calls , also as I live out here I want to be able to grab phone if there's an emergency (some of the nearest houses have been burgled for eg) . Also as I'm applying for jobs I get calls I don't want to miss.
I've tried to make it clear re boundaries ie 'tomorrow I'll pick you up at 6 in the meantime I have to do A and B' kind of thing, but this doesn't work. I'm bombarded until that time. eg she'll ring saying 'are you doing A and B? When do you finish ? How is your day?' etc. As i said not just one message but constant. And it's not just about her 'issues' but she can ring for hours asking advice about her new purchases, really petty things like can I help her choose a clock , place mats etc (I'm about to start using a food bank ! It's not jealousy by the way.. I could never do her job.. I moved here for a peaceful slower pace of life after living in London and working all hours like she does!)
I want to help (I mean I've spent the last month literally holding her hand)but can't cope much more :(
For context, I don't know why she wants my help. I'm the pauper living hand to mouth in a falling down cottage trying to help the successful businesswoman who is a different generation to me. But I am here and close and she doesn't have close family and friends. (She is not from this country but we do have mutual friends..but she only wants to talk to me as the rest are men and friends with her DP still)
I like her but I am being dragged down so much I don't see how I can keep helping like this.. she is not working much right now so she is not used to having all this time on her hands and she is taking advantage of me not working (but I NEED to be working!)
What can you do with someone who doesn't respect boundaries? I'm amazed someone of her position doesn't (she's very high up in her field) Sometimes I think I"m just her unpaid assistant. I have my life to sort out and I was meant to be doing that in DP's absence and she doesn't respect that.

In honesty I would enforce a break from this friendship now.
It doesn't sound like she was a close friend before.
The effect it is having on you seems like being in an abusive relationship.
You have already tried to assert your boundaries and she has ignored them.
With the frequent presents, she has an idea what she is doing.
I just don't think she is going to listen to you, and trying to deal with her will be a complete headache and exhausting. This would be hard for anyone, but having been in an abusive relationship you may be particularly vulnerable to this.
Don't feel obligated as she paid you for work. You did the work. No more obligation!
You need to focus on your own very important priorities now. Getting a job, freedom programme etc.
I'd tell her that you are taking a break from the friendship to focus on other priorities as she has overwhelmed you, until whenever your dp gets back. She won't be like this when he is here.
Otherwise she will monopolise all your time that dp is away, then when her work picks up you will hardly hear from her, and you will be still unemployed, not having done your self development stuff.
She has options, she can have more therapy as an outlet, travel to visit someone, go on a wellbeing holiday, she can also still be friends with people who are friends with her ex, take on more work or volunteer, move to a busier area. There are other ways she can fill her time.
She will probably completely overreact when you say you want a break but hold firm. If she continues hassling you tell her in writing you don't want her to contact you, and that you will contact police if she carries on harassment.
I know this might sound Ott but I wanted to cry reading your post.

I’d second Skittlesandbeer’s approach:

Send one clear text to your friend. Outline the ‘working hours’ you’ll be keeping free of social interactions. 9-6 sounds good. Add some weekend hours you’ll be devoting to self work (progressing on your mental wellbeing- alone). Add 3 evenings each week you’ll be doing ‘hobby & housework’ alone.

Also - this may not be an easy option on all phones, but - on my mobile phones contact list, at the bottom of each contact, there’s a “block this caller” option. Select that, and it says you don’t get calls, messages or FaceTime from the callers on your blocked list.

If she persists in calling, texting excessively etc during the times you’ve set as your working hours , I’d personally be tempted to temporarily block her number during those working hours so that she won’t be able to bother you on the phone then.

She's using you. She's buying your friendship. She's almost 60??? She's acting like a selfish teen.

I'd actually block her. You've spent all this time worrying about her reactions and what you owe her, to the detriment of your own peace and well-being. Text her:

'You've emailed me xxxx times in the last week. You texted me xxx times when I had a migraine. That's really selfish of you. I feel completely suffocated and controlled by you. PLEASE do not contact me for xxx days. I need to be left alone.'

then use that time to think and take stock, and to set boundaries if you decide you want to see her again.

She is stalking you. She doesn't care about you at all; she just wants you to prop her up and support her. She's no friend.

I have met a couple of wealthy people like this, does she drink/take pills of some sort as well - this usually makes them worse.

Whilst she is lonely/unhappy it is not your problem and you need to get away fast. She will probably drop you if she meets someone new to dominate.

I had someone like this in my life op. I'd known her since school and she had no boundaries and didn't respect mine.

In a nutshell, I tried to put some distance between us. I would tell her I wasn't free for a two hour chat every evening (she could call up to 5 times per day to hash out a problem she was having) and would say I was heading out when she turned at my flat randomly as I knew she would sit there and expect to be offered dinner and all sorts if I let her in. Anyway none of that worked and it all came to a head when I started a full time job after years of trying to get back on my feet after an abusive marriage and housing problems. I no longer had time to prop her up so I simply stopped responding to her.

There was a big fall out and I had texts, phone calls and emails from her , her family and some mutual friends too. The last of it was when she wrote me a letter 4 years after I broke contact her!

You need a break op , she is indeed using you and keeping you down.

You say you need time alone and have moved somewhere so you can get this peace.

Unfortunately you have allowed this woman "in" and its disturbing this.

From what you've described I doubt she has any boundaries and if you try to enforce them she will not "accept" them.

I would tell her by text or by phone or in person - maybe textings better though - that you need some quiet time and need to focus on that and applying for jobs so you are going to be spending time on your own for a while. You can be nice telling her. After that ignore her or if she contacts you either (a) ignore contacts or (b) just say sorry you can't at the moment you've got too much on.

She will get the message eventually. It might take a while but stick to your guns.

She may have some good positive traits, but it doesn't matter, because overall she is making you miserable and anxious so you do not have to justify backing of from this "friendship". I put friendship in speech marks, because it doesn't sound like she is acting as much of a friend to you.

You probably became acquainted with her when you were in a bad place, she offerred you some work, but it doesn't mean you have to put up with all the needy shit she is now throwing at you.

I had a friend like this and this is what I did. Worked like a dream. I tried boundaries - she wouldn't accept them. So what I did was kept turning down her offers to meet. That was that. There was no unpleasantness, but she had to accept that our friendship was over (the first of many I suspect because of her clinging, demanding behaviour).

It sounds like you care about her feelings, but she doesn't care much about your feelings. That's not really a friendship, is it? It's a shame her life is hard, but you can't fix it. Don't let her guilt trip you into trying. Stop replying to her onslaught of demands. If she gets upset, she'll have to deal with it because it's not your problem. Her feelings are not your responsibility.

Such a long post by me [embarrassed]

More succinctly. You're supporting her and respecting her feelings. She's not supporting you or respecting yours. She can find some other mug friend, and she will. You have a DP, your pets and your peace of mind, don't let this person's selfish needs spoil it.

Hopelessly, didn't mean to make you feel sad! :( x
Thanks for new replies.
Tonight I am taking her to a hospital appointment (which I will do..I'd promised and I'm not one to back out of that, also had promised our mutual friend I would as he did the last one..he's not around at the moment) but I will try and have A Chat. Not going to be nasty but will be firm. That I've made decision that my phone will be turned off every morning , that I won't be on Facebook during the daytime or checking emails regularly as it's all too many distractions for me..that I need to focus on sorting out MY life.. and I can't do that with all the distractions (I mean DP's been gone a month now and I've got nothing done..all I've been doing is handholding her) .
Yes, she is nearly 60. She's a very successful businesswoman. And away from that she's like a small child. Basically she's two people. She's defriended people that were good friends, for 'liking' her ex's posts, which says it all really. She even told me off the other day for not liking one of her posts.
I've had trauma too (rape, violence, lost my friends and career, had to leave with just the clothes on my back) and I never leached off people even when I had nothing. Which is not the position she's in , as I said.
I just wish she was working the hours she used to as no one ever saw her then ;) but it's up to me to take a stand now and nip this in the bud. Not easy for someone that doesn't like confrontation! But I have tried to put it politely to her. I'm going to have to be a bit more stern now. And if she turns up banging on my door I'm just not going to answer.
I will still be a friend. But not like this! Also I have a best friend. I don't need another . (All sounds v playground I know when I put it like this!) My true friend is going through a crisis too so I'd really rather put focus on her..she doesn't demand or hassle me for a start. We can go weeks without contact and just pick up again and that's how it should be.

Her DP left saying he needed space and was exhausted
I'm not surprised he left. I felt exhausted just reading about her.

It's like she's transferred her addictive behaviour from her ex to me.
That's exactly what's she's done.

She IS a lovely person
No, she's not. Lovely people don't behave this way. She's a rude, toxic emotional vampire.

You need to start saying 'no' to every single thing she asks/demands you do - whether it be taking her somewhere, accompanying her on outings, accepting gifts, wanting to come into your house. Become a broken record. Treat her like a distant acquaintance whenever you run into her - civil but non committal, and excuse yourself straight away. Block her phone number and email address. If she needs to get somewhere she can use some of her money to hire a taxi.

Or, just do what some PP have suggested, and simply tell her to fuck off.

She's defriended people that were good friends, for 'liking' her ex's posts, which says it all really
Go through and 'like' every one of her ex's posts. That might be the quickest way to get rid of her!

How did the conversation go last night? I hope you can get her to behave more normally, because otherwise you will start to hate her. You're doing the right thing being stern, her behaviour is obsessive and controlling; it putting up with it you'll be making her worse so it's for her own good that you teach her what boundaries look like. I disagree with posters suggesting you have time limits - those look like for 4 days per week she can contact you 6pm until 9am!! No, you're happy to arrange e.g. a weekly catch-up on a Thursday evening (if you are) and if there's important news at other times then she can message you and you'll respond only when you have time, but she needs to understand that more than a couple of messages per day is abnormal and stressing you out, so it's time for her to stop. You also need to learn not to reply straight away; she thinks it's ok because you respond.

I hope the conversation went well.

If it didn't, I think the first thing I'd do would be to buy a new, cheap phone and and treat is as a work phone. So that's the number you put on your CV etc and stays on during the day. The other one is switched off until you feel prepared to deal with her. You shouldn't have to, but it's a practical solution to part of this.

You don't need to drive her around, as you say, she can afford taxis. So when she asks for a favour just say no. No need to give a reason. When she tries to bully you into going out, again, say no. Her happiness is not your responsibility.

I had a 'friend' who was similar in some ways. Not with the bombardment, but my weekly visits to her were obligatory and I definitely felt responsible for her. I thought I'd miss her when she moved away, as she was one of the few friends I had, but, actually, the relief was overwhelming.

To update...
She IS going through an unbelievably shitty time right now , so by choice, I have been taking her to hospital... I also promised our mutual friends I'd help out as they are away(yes I know, ok for them..but I know they would pull weight if here). She requires an emergency op so that might well be the next few days. So my choice is yes I'll be there..(but not like I have been the last month) I don't wish that on anyone.. but I have had The Talk.
It was when I was driving her to one of the hospital appointments, and that might seem crappy timing, but I felt, she's going to listen if she's stuck in car with me. I had.. I wouldn't say exactly a rant..but I was very firm. I tried to be tactful but I made it clear. I said I have to sort my OWN life out as if I don't now, I never will (she knows my situation). And I have to focus on my priorities ie clearing out the house and getting a job. That all the distractions are not helping. That DP's been gone a month and I've got nothing done and only I can change that. I set boundaries in that I said, from now on my phone will be off every morning.. I will only allow myself a short time each day to check Facebook and emails as I feel bombarded not just from her but from everyone. I didn't give a time when she can contact... Just made it clear I won't be a slave to the phone etc and can't answer straightaway. She did actually agree and says she understands.. we will see.. I guess if she does need me, she will have to give me that space.. otherwise I will disappear.. and I do want to keep her as a friend..but just not like this has been... I hope she knows that now. She will push me away like she did the ex. So time will tell...
Going to be tricky as after the op she will be somewhat housebound. Not going to be able to get the car she was hoping to and not going to be able to walk much or use bike. So I know she's going to be much more demanding. As I said she can afford taxis could probably afford her own driver! I might talk to mutual friend when he's back... we all need to chip in and not just me as 'woman's work' because I am the one out of work. And I hope DP will do his bit, but he's not back till August.

OP - at what point did she ask you if you were ok to still driver her bearing in mind you had a migraine yesterday?

Can’t she afford some sort of ‘home help’ for the period?

Tells, I offered to drive to two hospital appointments and also mutual friend had asked me to (or he would have done it if been here). (Was doing it just as much for him.. as I do owe HIM a big favour). She could have got taxi but she had a sudden health scare and it is serious.. so I didn't want to just turn my back. However I have made things very clear. Right now my phone is turned off.. there was a text I saw earlier (but only one .. wow!) but am ignoring it. Soon enough she should get the message I am not there 24/7.

If I don't stay firm I will end up losing all self respect AND be letting down DP as I had specific things to do in his absence. And if I have to I'll remind her when she was with her ex I'd hardly see her a lot of the time. I do remind her that I AM fine with her own company unlike her I am around but not to the extent I was and on my terms.
Also now she's not going to be able to trek over the fields to just 'pop in' (unless she gets taxi but I'll cross that if /when it comes to it)
Last night she offered to take me for dinner after the hospital appointment but I firmly said no. It wasn't because it was her as such.. I just did not want to go, wasn't hungry or feeling great. I said I just wanted to go home..in the past I'd definitely have been talked into going. So , a bit of relief..but some way to go.. we'll see, when she's out of hospital.. may pay a visit to mutual friend when he's home as I'm not shouldering all of this.. and he has known her many years, me, just a few, through DP

City, she could, but I know she won't. She'll probably try and do stuff herself. She will be mobile as such..just can't drive.. I may suggest a cleaner !

You just allow people to use you OP

You will never be free from her, it is all or nothing. You have to choose.

So far you have chosen "all". Are you aware of that

People like this don't back off....

^ Agree. People like her don't back off. And you are just allowing her to continue to use you, but dressing it up as "friendliness" or "reasonableness" but I think its just fear.

I know you are right. And yes Cactus I guess I don't want to be disliked or seen as the baddie for not being there for her. But I don't owe her anything. I want to see more of my old friends. They might not be local like she is but I'm not friends with her for convenience of location!
When I had an injury and was housebound and DP was away, she was not there helping me. I was stuck alone for weeks. Yes she was working loads and isn't now but even so! So I need to keep telling myself all this.
And she was not my 'choice' of friend, she was /is in DP's crowd that I met when moved in with him. But once she got with her now ex , they were v v insular (due to her) . I think it's because I'm the only other woman (in this circle) and she's become dependent on me..and yes I've let her without realising it for ages. I know she sees us as two single woman living in the sticks (a few miles apart) and therefore should live in each others pockets. But I keep telling her I'm not lonely, she has the money to get out more , (and besides I'm not single)
But the biggest issue is that I am out of work, I can't keep putting life on hold for a rich friend when I'm not earning anything. A job HAS to be my priority and Ive made that clear. I asked her if she'd ever been this skint, she should know what it's like. She said yes, as a student. But I pointed out that was in the 70s, now we are both middleaged women, I cannot go on living like this. In a few years I'll be 50. I have to sort out my life, my PTSD, insomnia, work situation. I am lucky to be here . (even if doesn't always feel like it). I could have died many times over at hands of ex. For whatever reason, I am here and he is not. It's like I got a second chance at life. But for the last few years I have been stuck. I HAVE to work on myself now. And I owe it to DP too..for our future together.

Tells, I offered to drive to two hospital appointments and also mutual friend had asked me to (or he would have done it if been here).

Yes - but any normal person who was relying on a lift from someone who had had a migraine that morning - would
a - worry about that person driving if they had had a migraine
b - worry about the safety of both of you if that person was driving...

which leads me to think that she at least asked how you were before letting you get behind the wheel?

I had a friend who supported me and I'd buy her nice presents quite often. I'm gutted to read above that a PP thinks it's about power. For me it was about appreciation. If she had said to me at ANY point, look mila, I'm uncomfortable please don't buy me anything else or keep texting me I would have stopped immediately. I hope she didn't feel like you, but she wouldn't respond immediately, sometimes 3 days, and I would never ask why she didn't reply. I'd just wait.
You have to tell her to give her the chance to leave you alone. If she doesn't then you have the right to call it a day.

Totally missing point of crazy thread but if she was a student in the 70s surely she must be well over 60? This situation is totally nuts regardless of her age but even more so considering she's as old as she is.

she's 60 this year so I think a student late 70s or early 80s at most?
She looks and acts much younger (apart from in her work) , I only recently found out her age, not that it matters really.
I don't want to paint a terrible picture of her... she has had some really traumatic times of late . But I will stick to my guns re what I need to do. Boundaries.