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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wrappergate...with swearing to try to stop asshole journalists

56 replies

OhdamnwhatdoIdo · 19/06/2018 21:55

So if you were following my original thread....now deleted courtesy of Rebecca Flood - asshat. Fuck you, lady. Piece of shit.....anyways

DH decided to grill DS14 on the mysterious rubbish.
It was not DS14's but the conversation led round to it being one of DS's friends from the party. That seemed to be a resolution Dh was happy with and DS went along with ( largely to get DH to shut up). I was evesdroppig.
But.
There was no trash in the laudry before I went away. There was no laundry to wash. The party was cleaned up from.

So, I think it was Dh. but I don't want to think that.But why would he be so daft as to leave it there? An accident?
I can't do confrontations. I have form for being suspicious and sayig something (once) ended up feeling like a fool and feel that if I am wrong, which is slighlty possible , I'll come across as a fat , paranoid obsessive which will damage things more.
I believe our relationship needs work, but I'm so useless I can't even talk about that. I always start coversations and they end up being about things I need to work on, not the other way around.
I panicked last night, when DH asked if I had asked DS14 and said no. Technically I wasn't lying but missed an opportunity I guess.

There is no evidence in the house. Or on phones.

I am calm, resigned to not knowing and hopeless.

OP posts:
Storm4star · 19/06/2018 22:04

Rebecca’s a bitch!

Ugh OP I don’t know what to say. If you take it further with your DS that risks putting him in a position he shouldn’t be in.

I would just turn around at some point and say to DH what your eldest DS said about the condom wrapper originally. The fact that the new story doesn’t add up etc. And the fact you are just not happy with this explanation.

Forgive me for asking OP, but how do you really feel? Do you really love this man? Do you want it to be “innocent”? I think a lot depends on that. You mention how you always end up saying you need to work on stuff. What about him? Where is his effort in this marriage?

Original poster
OhdamnwhatdoIdo · 19/06/2018 22:10

This man is so thouroughly wound into my life I would't know what to do without him. We have been in each others lives for over 30 years, and together for more than half that. We talk about everything except our relationship.
I love him. I want this to be nothing and I also want to know.
But.
If I ask him if he loves me , as I did the other day he said - I'm still here aren't I?

Fuck. Something is off. I'm too frightened to pursue this.

OP posts:
Limpopobongo · 19/06/2018 22:26

keep your powder dry. Act normal, let the flames die down. Do your homework,investigate,seek evidence,document.

Storm4star · 19/06/2018 22:27

That isn’t a good response from him, as i’m Sure you’re aware. I don’t know if you saw my previous response before it got deleted but in a nutshell, I said that it’s very easy for us to say ltb. Not so easy for you being the one in this situation.

I guess my concern for you is if you ignore this and in 5 or 10 years time he turns around and leaves you anyway. Are you then going to feel even worse?

You have the choice of whether to accept the explanation and let it go or take it further. We can’t make that choice for you, and no one should be telling you what to do. Whatever you do decide to do, make sure you are doing it with your happiness in mind. Ask yourself what you really want, what you want your life to be like. Don’t be afraid of change, sometimes it can be the best thing to ever happen. You don’t have to make a decision right now or next week or whenever. Put yourself in control of your life and that will give you answers.

Original poster
OhdamnwhatdoIdo · 19/06/2018 22:29

Thank you Storm.

OP posts:
mrswarthog · 19/06/2018 22:42

I was reading your other thread until the nasty bastard scum journalist hijacked it.

I get that you don't want confrontation and want everything to be 'lovely' but this is going to eat you alive.

You deserve better than this. Don't waste your life brushing crap under the carpet. You're in a relationship. You're supposed to be together.

Stand up for yourself, be yourself, take no shit, no lies and don't let your kids (ffs) reluctantly alibi.

Storm4star · 19/06/2018 22:42

Take care of yourself and we’re here if you want to talk or vent! I just know from painful experience that saying ltb is a damn sight easier than actually being the one to ltb! Just don’t let him put you down or get you down. He should be valuing his wife and family and if he doesn’t then that’s on him, not you.

Original poster
OhdamnwhatdoIdo · 19/06/2018 22:51

Everything put together looks so bad.
I know this.
I 've been crying in the shower, so the boys can't see.

We have a major medical thing coming up with one of our boys in 2 weeks, and a large chunk of me thinks he won't talk till that is over. Both sets of parents will be up to help.

I'm going to suggest going out to dinner as he suggested out of the blue before.
And resist the urge to text some comment like so whose was it?
He had Friday arvo to himself, while I was away.

OP posts:
LoveProsecco · 19/06/2018 23:00

I last your thread before it was taken down. It does sound suspicious Thanks

FullMetalRabbit · 19/06/2018 23:05

scum Sun journalist Rebecca Flood

Agree with others - look for other evidence

SandyY2K · 19/06/2018 23:05

He's sleeping with another woman...but as you're unable to tackle him on it ... take consolation in the fact he doesnt want to get her pregnant and is protecting you from getting an STD.

Him still being there shows he doesn't want a divorce...not that he loves you. The cost of divorce is a strong incentive to have a wife and an OW... He's cake eating.

I would say to hire a P.I... but you probably wouldn't leave him regardless of the evidence... so there's no point in wasting time and money.

Try and get a life outside of the marriage

AlwaysSleepy1 · 19/06/2018 23:07

Why would he quiz your son without knowing you were listening? if he wanted to pass the book he'd have made sure you heard/knew what was said - or did he tell you after?

SandyY2K · 19/06/2018 23:08

I 've been crying in the shower, so the boys can't see

Are you able to get some individual counselling? It might help to talk it through with someone IRL

pissedonatrain · 20/06/2018 02:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Desmondo2016 · 20/06/2018 04:10

Why don't we believe that it belonged to one of the boys from the party? Just because the party was cleared up from it could have been in a pocket that didn't go in the laundry til later or something. I'm seriously missing the point as to why it clearly has to be DHs! And yes I read the whole precious thread!

Desmondo2016 · 20/06/2018 04:10

*previous

Cawfee · 20/06/2018 05:21

I read the previous thread. Fuck you jourmalists. This is supposed to be an anonymous support forum. We had a party one Christmas and I cleared up. I was still finding empty chocolate sweet wrappers weeks after. There were some underneath my sons mattress for example.

Monkeypuzzle32 · 20/06/2018 06:09

Sorry your thread got deleted because of ‘the Scum’ and their lazy arse journo.

What’s really telling is your gut still is suspicious even though if it was anything else I reckon you’d have either forgotten/doubted yourself by now. You haven’t, so something is definitely off-I’d play it that you’ve almost forgotten it now DH has asked the boys and appear to carry on as normal, do some digging to see what you find.

What a shitty situation though. Look after yourself.

Sisgal · 20/06/2018 06:32

I too had been following your thread before having to be deleted due to Rebecca flood "journalist" Hmm... I think you know the answer who it belongs too, your gut feeling is the answer...but I know how hard it can be to (try) ignore it, especially when kids are involved and we have invested (so much) in the relationship. * As a mother of 4, I totally relate to you crying in secret in the shower Confused *

Bearfam · 20/06/2018 07:18

I just just had to to Google Rebbeca flood. I'm not sure what happened to the original thread but I'm sure this is the last thing you need on top of every thing else. I'm not sure I've got loads of advice about how to proceed but I would say trust your intuition. Unfortunately I've read too many threads on here where couples have a great relationship but one thinks something is off and tries to ignore it because they can't belive their partner would cheat. I'd probably be like that! Look after yourself and trust your self.

0range99 · 20/06/2018 07:39

Oh OP I’m sorry you’ve had that on top of all this shit heaped on you.

I think a PPs suggestion of thinking to the future and how you’d feel if you continued to invest another 5/10 years in your marriage and he left anyway once the children had left home is an important thing to do.

If you don’t confront him and talk it through, something like this will really eat away at you FlowersFlowersFlowers

user1497991628 · 20/06/2018 08:32

I’m just going to repeat my advice, having been where you are and also desperately hoping I was wrong.

Make sure that you could be independent, both financially and emotionally. Arrange your life so this could be if necessary.

Get information on all the finances and documents and keep copies somewhere safe- eg email them to yourself.

Take up some form of exercise (illness permitting)or something you enjoy doing and will make you feel better about yourself. Accept any invitation or challenge even if you have to go alone.

If you’re living abroad, find out what the law is on residence of children and division of assets in the event you do separate. It doesn’t mean you are accepting that, but the old saying knowledge is power is true.

I did all this eventually, but it would’ve been much better if I’d done it when at your stage. Hindsight is great 😀💐

user1497991628 · 20/06/2018 08:33

Oh, and counselling also really helped and might have saved our marriage if we’d gone earlier.

CornishMaid1 · 20/06/2018 09:34

I am so sorry for your situation (I had read some of the previous thread up til about 5 yesterday and then found it deleted, so may have missed some).

I know you had said he is not tech savvy and you couldn't find anything, but look if you need to know. I have been there and done it and got the t-shirt.

Don't look if you don't want to know, but otherwise snoop. Does he use iphone or android?

Log into his google account if he has one, turn on location settings and you can check where he is on google maps - it is part of how I found out and you can see if he is going to the gym or not.

Check internet history (again easier if your accounts are linked and you have access) - is he using email pages that you don't know of? Does he have a secret email account? He may delete emails, but they often forget to check sent or deleted emails (sometimes they can be recovered).

Check photos on the phone, especially deleted photos.

Messenger and whats app are much more difficult. You can link whats app to a web page for a chat, but you need to have his phones to be able to scan the qr code. He can have secret chats on there and delete them. With whats app, it will usually tell you when he was last active - keep an eye as if he starts being very active in the early hours of the morning it is more suspicious.

Spying on your husband is never the best way, but as someone who has had the same suspicions as you before, you need to look or you will drive yourself mad x

Alfiemoon1 · 20/06/2018 10:32

i was also on your other thread I still think it’s odd ds thought it was yours and dh and like you say may have just agreed to it being from the party to shut dh up