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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wrappergate...with swearing to try to stop asshole journalists

56 replies

OhdamnwhatdoIdo · 19/06/2018 21:55

So if you were following my original thread....now deleted courtesy of Rebecca Flood - asshat. Fuck you, lady. Piece of shit.....anyways

DH decided to grill DS14 on the mysterious rubbish.
It was not DS14's but the conversation led round to it being one of DS's friends from the party. That seemed to be a resolution Dh was happy with and DS went along with ( largely to get DH to shut up). I was evesdroppig.
But.
There was no trash in the laudry before I went away. There was no laundry to wash. The party was cleaned up from.

So, I think it was Dh. but I don't want to think that.But why would he be so daft as to leave it there? An accident?
I can't do confrontations. I have form for being suspicious and sayig something (once) ended up feeling like a fool and feel that if I am wrong, which is slighlty possible , I'll come across as a fat , paranoid obsessive which will damage things more.
I believe our relationship needs work, but I'm so useless I can't even talk about that. I always start coversations and they end up being about things I need to work on, not the other way around.
I panicked last night, when DH asked if I had asked DS14 and said no. Technically I wasn't lying but missed an opportunity I guess.

There is no evidence in the house. Or on phones.

I am calm, resigned to not knowing and hopeless.

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 20/06/2018 10:35

So at the party at your house someone had under age sex? Is nobody concerned about this?

Alfiemoon1 · 20/06/2018 10:42

April I am sure in the original thread the op said no girls were at the party so I am under the impression it’s was kids messing about with the condom

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 20/06/2018 13:35

Ah right, why would party guests have been near the laundry room /basket?

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 20/06/2018 13:35

And maybe no girls is irrelevant anyway.
(as a dm of a gay ds)

CornishMaid1 · 20/06/2018 14:23

Maybe speak to DS14. Say that you know he told DH it was from the party and you want to talk to him about safe sex and underage sex if he and his friends have condoms and see how he reacts.

He will be quick enough to tell you whether it had anything to do with the party then.

Storm4star · 20/06/2018 14:28

I think that's a good idea from CornishMaid. It's a good way of asking without giving away the real reason you're asking. Hope you're doing ok today OP.

purplelass · 20/06/2018 14:36

Fuck you scum Rebecca Flood (just getting that in)

This man is so thoroughly wound into my life I would't know what to do without him. We have been in each others lives for over 30 years

I'd been with mine for 23 years, known him since I was a teenager, and thought I couldn't live without him when I found out he was cheating. Three years on and I don't miss him at all. I miss the company sometimes but with the clarity of my new rear view mirror I can see I'm so much better off without him in many, many ways.

Don't let fear of being without him blind you. If you believe he's not treating you as you deserve to be treated then he needs to change or you need to LTB.

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
OhdamnwhatdoIdo · 21/06/2018 02:18

Okay, so if anyone is still about. This is long.

I told DH via phone, that I was 'weirded out" after DS14 denied all knowledge. And that I was unhappy. He expressed that he was upset that I felt that it could be him. He went into a bit of a speech about trust, and how that was important, that I had lots of male friends and he trusted me etc.
My respose was just pretty non commital and the call ended. I can ever be bothered discussing things as he is clearer and less emotional than me. And I often end up shouldering the problem.
But.
He decided to come home to talk.
After an embrace from him, I continued on as I wasn't going to start the conversation. There was this kind of standoff for about half an hour.
Eventually we sat down with a coffee, he told me he should tell me he loves me more etc that his manner was part of the problem.
He had a big speech about how he values our marriage would never cheat, or risk losing that. That if I cheated it would be the end, and that he would expect the same treatment. That he was the guy who would tell the other party if he knew someone was being cheated on.That he hated dishonesty and secrets etc etc.He understood that I was being far enough to freak at the condom.
I talked back a bit about my insecurities and how he made them worse.
We..ehem.

It all seemed fine post talk but he was almost trying too hard.He has never come home from work before. The flow of the conversation was different to our rare relationship discussions. He talked more, normally its me.

I find that I see two sides.
He genuinely loves me ( our set up) and was worried about me.
Or is cheating and went into damage control.

No clarity on condom ownership. But all clothes were done from DS party prior to me leavig. The party was outside , on tents.
There was also a grocery list I had given DH on the bench in the laundry that had been washed. The rest of the wrapper was in the kitchen bin. A deliberate pocket empty from either DS or DH with contents in laundry forgotten about .

I'm looking for evidence now.

OP posts:
Sisgal · 21/06/2018 06:29

Im sorry OP, but I still suspect its your H. You keep saying your H is acting out of character, which is why your alarm bells are ringing..but you then seem to justify your H's different behaviour.

FuckPants · 21/06/2018 06:36

It's your husband's condom, I don't get why you are being so awkward about it rather than asking him face to face.

Babyblues052 · 21/06/2018 06:46

I'd say definitely dh's. Even without the wrapper his behaviour is shady. Also he's a dickhead for grilling your ds knowing full well its his, the fanny.

PiggeryPorcombe · 21/06/2018 06:53

”We..ehem”

Do you mean you had sex at that point?

eightfacesofthemoon · 21/06/2018 06:56

Well she has basically asked him face to face but he’s skirting round the issue.
I would also talk to your son about underage sex etc to have a furthe conversation about it all.

Bananamanfan · 21/06/2018 07:03

What makes you think that your suspiscions were unfounded the last time? I'm sorry you're going through this, op. It does sound like he's been up to no good. Flowers

bionicnemonic · 21/06/2018 07:08

I did mention this before but it may have been missed
What brand of condom was it?
School would likely give out unbranded (or unknown) brands
An adult would more likely go to a chemist and buy a branded one; durex or mates or skyn

Monkeypuzzle32 · 21/06/2018 07:18

Everything points to this being your DS’s, yet still there’s that doubt In the pit of your stomach-if you aren’t normally the suspicious type, why is this distrust still there?
I think all you can do now is to pretend it’s all forgotten about and carry on ‘as normal’ but look with fresh eyes at what your DH does-the fact that he came home from work shows he is worried but is this how he would normally be if you were freaking out about something he knew HADNT happened, or is he putting a lid on the whole situation?

Gut instinct needs to be listened to!

Disquieted1 · 21/06/2018 07:43

You don't know for certain whether it was your husband's, however your husband 100% does know for certain whether it was.
If it were his, he would probably have reacted as he has.
If it were not his, then he would be having strong words with your son AND ALSO WITH YOU. Think about it, why hasn't he at least asked you about it? Obviously because he knows for certain it had nothing to do with you and there is only one way he could be absolutely certain: it's his.

badsurname · 21/06/2018 08:02

I had a moment with my h where he did something to give me a gut feeling. But I got an impassioned and earnest speech, down on his knees about how much he loved me and how he could never, had never, would never...

I chose to believe him and gave him more freedom, which turned into the rope he hung himself with. When I found out his affair four months later that earnest speech had been after it started, and that lie, that bought him more freedom to pursue it, is the hardest thing to get past. Sometimes I kick myself for not having known something was going on but then I remember that I did have a gut feeling and his damage control speech quashed it.

Don't be me. You can choose to believe him and should certainly make him think you do, but keep one eye open from now on.

Or since he has expressed such strong views on infidelity maybe you should suggest a post nup where the innocent party gets everything in the case of infidelity! After his proclaimed stance he can hardly object... Grin

SparklyMagpie · 21/06/2018 08:43

Eurgh it's obvious it's him, the whole change in his behaviour since, the speeches...

If you're still unsure, why did you sleep with him?

Storm4star · 21/06/2018 08:52

I’m not sure what to say. I hate the thought that people can lie to the extent of giving big impassioned speeches but I know they do. There’s only one person right now who knows if your DH is lying or not and that’s him.

I think you’re right in that all you can really do now is look for evidence. If he is cheating he’ll trip himself up somewhere.

fannycraddock72 · 21/06/2018 10:37

This is a tough one OP. If he is cheating he’s going to be extra careful now to cover his tracks.

My ex accused me of cheating when a random pair of pants were found behind the sofa, I got the silent treatment, accusations etc..

I actually started to feel guilty after a few hours even though I knew I was completely innocent. My ex even began ringing round my sons friends to ask if they had left a pair of pants at our house!!!

A few days later after feeling the need to prove my innocence I had remembered we had had a party a month or so earlier and some of the men after a few beers had gone for a dip in our (large) paddling pool..turns out the pants were one of theirs after they had gone for a dip and put their jeans on and went commando after the dip!

Turns out my ex was actually cheating on me at the time of the party and the following allegations of ‘pant gate’ a month or so later. My gut feeling told me something wasn’t right, even asking my ex ‘are you having an affair?” I was laughed at and told ‘No’.

I hope he isn’t messing you about, on the positive side messing about with condoms and exploring what to do with them does sound like a teenage boy thing to do.

I think your going to have to be patient to find the truth.

Original poster
OhdamnwhatdoIdo · 22/06/2018 04:02

it was an Ansell brand.
And he didn't ask me ( i was away so could not have been mine) just said it was one of those mysteries that will be resolved in time.

There is pretty much one eye open from now.

Thank you for the replies.

OP posts:
bionicnemonic · 22/06/2018 05:15

To me that brand would point to a teenager getting a freebie not an adult who grew up on durex and mates buying them at Boots

flumpybear · 22/06/2018 05:45

So sorry you're going through this OP
and ffs rag-journalists - fuck off creaming people's heart ache and selling it as gossip - pond life springs to mind!

Stephisaur · 22/06/2018 09:17

I can't remember if I actually commented on your other thread, but I was reading it and I'm sorry that a scummy journalist had to come in and upset you >:(

With regards the condom... when I was around the age of your DC, my friends and I would quite often play with condoms. I remember one school trip (weekend trip) we got some flavoured condoms from one of the machines in the bathroom and blew them up.

Ansell seems like a strange brand to buy out of choice, when Durex etc are so much more readily available. I'm really hoping for you that it was one of the kids at the party messing around Flowers

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