"Honest" H

[Belfastbird]

My husband has just told me one of the main reasons he doesn't want us to go to a destination wedding is that he would be embarrassed having the fattest wife there. I know I need to lose some weight but I am 5ft4 & a size 14 (11lb5) so not obese. This is also the reason he will no longer sleep with me I am at the end of my tether. He says he is just being truthful & it's not hurtful. What do you think. Prepared to be flamed. Thx

" time to release your fuckwit back into the wild "

This! ^
I am still giggling at this now, and it is also great advice.

Yes he is being honest but he has gone the wrong way about.

Going against the grain here but I am not sure I would find my partner all that attractive if they had put on an excessive amount of weight.

Going against the grain here but I am not sure I would find my partner all that attractive if they had put on an excessive amount of weight

The op is a size 14...I don't think that's an excessive amount of weight. It's pretty average.

Erm, that is NOT fat anyway.

Erm, whist his comments are out of order, yes it is 'fat'. Its bang in the middle of the overweight area on a BMI chart. So, it's a good few stone to be somewhere in the middle of what's considered healthy.

The op is a size 14...I don't think that's an excessive amount of weight. It's pretty average

Seems like i'm picking on this, it is pretty average yes, but then the average woman (and man) in the UK is overweight/obese. In other words, fat.

We can dress it up as much as we like, but we are a nation of fatties right now.

I don’t think bickering over whether a size fourteen is ‘fat’ is really helpful to the OP, she can do the maths on a BMI calculator and isn’t going to be magically persuaded she’s not overweight just because others are trying to make her feel better by saying she isn’t. Plus clothes sizing is an odd thing, in some shops I’m a whole four sizes bigger than others!

And it’s not the point anyway.

He can say he’s just being honest but he’s being cruel. There was no real need to say what he did. If he genuinely was concerned about your weight and didn’t find you attractive anymore (for example if you’ve put on a lot since you met and were first attracted to each other) there are ways to approach that! My OH and I both realised recently we’d put on a stone or two each since getting together, so we supported each other in making changes to get it off again. If he put so much on I wasn’t attracted to him anymore or vice versa you bring that up in a sensitive way first, see how the other person feels about their weight, if they’re happy with it. And if the attraction has gone but the person is happy with their weight and doesn’t want to change you can make that decision to walk away, as sad as that is, attraction is important in a relationship. To some more than others (it’d take a LOT for me to not be into OH anymore physically but some people have a narrow preference).

He said this to be cruel. If that was his genuine reason for not going he should be looking within himself as to whether it’s his problem, what he can do about it. He said it so bluntly to hurt you and knock you down and destroy your confidence when a white lie that he just didn’t fancy the trip would have sufficed.

I don’t think he likes or respects you OP, I’m sorry. I’d end this relationship if my OH said something like that to me. It’d be fine to be less attracted to me if I’ve gained significant weight, attraction can’t be helped. But it wouldn’t be fine to say something so blunt and hurtful to me about it and then pretend it’s just ‘honesty’. He tried to hurt you with those words and that’s unforgivable imo. Weight issues aside.

Seems like i'm picking on this, it is pretty average yes, but then the average woman (and man) in the UK is overweight/obese. In other words, fat

But the ops husband said he didn't want her to accompany him to a wedding because of her weight. That's totally ridiculous. She sounds like a perfectly average sized woman, who certainly wouldn't stand out at a social occasion due to her weight.

Trust me, if you got down to a size 8, he'd find something else to pick on and that is the crux of the matter.

I'm 5ft2 and a size 16/18. My husband rang me all excited last week to tell me we had been invited to a destination wedding. I'm sorry but you/everyone deserves to be treated better than how your husband is treating you.

Fuck that! Why would you want to marry such a nasty man?

And he's a dream boat right?

Suggest you 'lose' him and you'll feel miles better.

He is an arsehole.

I would hanker after being a size 14. Sadly, I am bigger.

Point out all of his faults. When he protests at that then say you were just being honest. Then consider dumping him.

He’s a twat and you deserve so much better.

Someone very wise taught me there are two rules if you want to be honest

1. Is it kind
2. Does it NEED to be said

He fails on both counts, and how the fuck does he know what is hurtful for you. Try kicking his balls then telling him it doesn’t hurt.

I’m not usually aggressive, but I’m so angry on your behalf.

What a nasty cruel man he is! You deserve so much better than this in your life OP

I met my husband a size 14, 20 years later and I’ve been a size 16,18,20,22 and now a 16. He loves me and always tells me how sexy and amazing my body is (it’s really not!) but the point is you my love are Absolutley fine, it’s your DH that’s a twat. Get rid of him

Op
Jan 2017

I was constantly rejected, no affection or intimacy. When pushed he no longer finds me attractive. I've lost loads of weight he occasionally suggests it but out of duty & no effort involved (& there is still no affection). My self confidence was at rock bottom. Constant rejection is soul destroying. I want the love but I am also a woman with needs.

In another thread you rate your marriage minus 5 our of 10.

And yet you’re with him 18 months later.

This isn’t a bad patch. This is a bad marriage. LTB

My jaw dropped when I read this. What a twat. Please go to the wedding by yourself and show him you're not embarrassed just because he is. Ditch him!!

I bet he wouldn't like the same honesty back!

I would be inclined to be quite public about what he said (not on social media or anything) and shame the bastard.

Why would you want to be with him after that? It shows he is a) shallow and b) doesn't actually love you for who you are.

As others PPs have said, he's a cunt and I would happily ditch him.

What an arse. How awful. I would move into another bedroom.

2 young kids... hmmm. gosh. so you are trapped.

Weight watchers app £12.99 a month- britains greatest loser lost 50kgs in 7 months on it...

I'd like this story to end with husband realising how terrible he has been and repent, or you to hook up with a hot guy around 10 years younger, maybe your personal trainer :)

Mountainsoutofmolehills OP hasn’t indicated she wants to lose weight. I feel like advising her about WW is just further insulting her. The matter at hand isn’t that she needs to lose weight (unless she comes and says that), it’s that she needs to lose this man.

Same thing happened to me a few years back. On maternity leave with second child, (2 c-sections) I was project managing serious renovations in our home.

He told me I had let myself go. After me wondering if he'd been having an affair ..... anyway this went on for a couple of years, at which point he decided that he resented me. For what, exactly, I don't know.

Anyway, I suppose I am saying, they're the words he spoke. He may have deeper issues and You're well within your rights to tell him to go fuck himself.

Hateful, cruel behaviour on his part x

Thank you everyone for all your comments - I do appreciate them
I know I am firmly in the overweight category and trying to lose weight for myself (but when he says shit like this my tendency is to go & get choc to spite him. I know I know...)
Yes this is a bad marriage & I need to get out. We have been in separate rooms for 3 yrs now.
Honestly the thought of leaving is scary. It's like there is a light at the end of a tunnel. Getting through the tunnel will be torturous & I just have to build up the confidence to jump into that tunnel.

Make that leap for your own self Belfast; practically all the people who leave never regret doing so and wonder why they chose not to leave earlier.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like this; no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Leaving is never easy (you may be fearful of him, fear the unknown, money worries) but no obstacle is actually insurmountable. It also sounds brighter than the awful relationship you (and in turn your children) are currently living in. What do you get out of this relationship now; nothing from what I can see. Gain knowledge for yourself re leaving, knowledge is power.

Weight problem is correctable. Arsehole DH, not so much.

Tbf OP I don't think k it's about your weight, if he's this cruel he'll probably keep saying unkind things no matter what your size.

OP he sounds like a turd. His 'honesty' is abuse. You deserve better.

Why would you think we would flame you?

Its very fucking hard to lose weight when you are stressed or miserable, your self esteem is low, etc. Your DP isnt helping, hes contributing!

There might be an honest conversation to be had about being concerned about rapid weight gain or general health. But that isnt the conversation you had and actually sounds irrelevant anywah. His attitude fucking stinks. He is embarrassed to be associated with you. Thats more than just not finding someones new body as attractive. Its like not inviting a friend out because theyre "ugly"/fat and you dont want to be seen with them. Can you imagine?

Go to the weddinf without him if its such a problem