When is it ok to not want sex

[yourpin]

I have 3 children 9, 7 & 1. My DH and I have had sex twice this week so far. (Well at the weekend) He's now text me saying he would fancy me in lingerie for sex tonight. He text me at sports day. I was running around after my toddler whilst trying to watch my 7 year olds races. I was irritated by his texts as feel like he's a bit full on and he has a tendency to sulk if I'm not up for it.
It's now resulted in some responses from him saying he feels demoralised/I'm boring. We've been together a long time and this has been a recurring problem. I feel that he's only content if I'm shagging him at every request in any manner he should choose. Also the texts - fair enough if I'm reciprocal but when I'm not 'I'm draining the life out of him'.
I actually feel demoralised but his response to this - how is being lusted after by your husband demoralising.
Ugh it's starting to get to me.

It sounds as if you're irritated, not by being "lusted after" as your DH puts it, but by him ordering up sex by text as if ordering a pizza. The irritation comes from not feeling wooed perhaps. It's lovely to be desired, but the trick in successful seduction is to take into account the other person's needs - what's he offering you "off the menu"? Is he offering you a dollop of understanding, a portion of listening etc...these ingredients might mean you were more in the mood for some loving after a busy day with kids.

@Racecardriver @Moussemoose
This is exactly why I gave the thread its title. I get why feeling like you're constantly being rejected would make you feel like shit and then the term 'demoralised' would be applied. For me I now think that it has swung too far the other way.
If I'm to respond to every sexual advance and every suggestion he puts my way in order to make him feel validated in the relationship at the expense of my sanity and desire when it feels pressured.
I do enjoy the sex but at the same time I don't feel like I can say 'thanks but tonight I'd love nothing more than a good sleep and snuggle' without feeling like a "boring nun" or that "I'm an enthusiasm drain".
I'm just a bit gutted that the man that I've chosen to have kids with and be in a long term relationship with is this way. I'm sure he would argue that he is compromising because he would prefer to have it daily and x2 a week is a real ration. When I put it like that I do sound like a poor wife but I just don't have the drive or energy for anymore.
Based on that should I consider separating? Perhaps but the reality is we couldn't afford to at the moment and living in a relationship where we both know that is extremely depressing.

I think I’d be cutting a very ‘unsexy’ practical deal with him. Tell him that a busy life with 3 young kids = once a week sex. So you’ve got time to build anticipation and actually enjoy him. Show him the stats that prove he’s unusually lucky to even be offered that much sex.

Let him know you’re fairly sure that once the youngest reaches ‘x’ age, the frequency will go up, to twice a week. Give him full permission to whine to all and sundry about this situation. He’s not going to get much sympathy. A few laughs, and a few envious rants, mebbe!

id consider separating tbh. you arent there just to sexually satisfy him, while also raising 3 children. the fact that he also berates and insults you if you say no is very telling. he has no right to speak to you like that, all because he cant put his dick in you.

i honestly dont know how some men can accept and enjoy sex, knowing that they’ve nagged an unwilling partner into it.

@yourpin

2 times a week is plenty. Nobody likes a sex pest. Have him go to the GP and get some meds to lower his sex drive and everyone will be happier.

Do you ever feel like sex at all? By the sound of it with a little baby to look after you have zero libido, which is understandable. Maybe its best if you just call a complete stop on sex for a few weeks or months while you both build back some non-sexual intimacy.

Have you spoken to him about it?

(It’s always ok to not want sex! It’s not ok to feel pressured or uncomfortable, both morally wrong in general and even if you do want to do it sometimes and some ways, pressure or uncomfortable is a turn off)

Twice a week is plenty, without kids! With, especially three of them and a one year old, it’s a lot!

If you would prefer to work it out, maybe talk to him. Tell him some things don’t turn you on, they actually turn you off, so it’s better not to say them that way.

Maybe explain that a text saying «You are so beautiful and hot too, I’m a lucky guy, thinking of you, hope your day is good» is way more likely to lead someone that night or a few nights later and a happy intimate life than something that feels like a demand and pressure, which is doing the opposite.

Saying he feels démoralised, ok he’s saying how he feels, sulking not ok. One is communication, the other is unhelpful, not a way to communicate and upsetting you. If you haven’t explained this and want things to work, maybe explain how you feel?

Also explain twice already this week with a one year old is a lot!

Op why don't you show your DH this thread.

@user1011 yeah, he wants her for more sex, she must feel soooooo desirable and loved!! But sure, I recognise that some women base their self esteem on that, sadly.

And yes, @needholiday101 it is abusive to make your partner feel guilty or coerced into any sexual act they don't want. It's manipulative. She's feeling pressured and that's abuse.

The point being it is making her miserable.

A conversation? It doesn't sound like he is capable of having grown up conversations.

And yeah, as someone suggested, he should use his hand if he wants sex when she doesn't.

You are not a poor wife - he is a poor husband. The theme of your posts is how much you can give him without losing your sanity - the balance of your relationship is you give into him as much as you can. That is not a relationship.

My advice is always the same in these cases - if you want to save your relationship you need to talk to him and tell him sex is off the table for 2 weeks/4 weeks etc to enable you to build your relationship back. Sex is an important PART of a relationship it should not be front and centre like it is.

But usually as well in these cases the man does very little housework/wifework/child care either

It's fascinating the double standards on here sometimes.

When it's the woman who is struggling to get her husband to initiate any intimacy, the sisterhood is up in arms. Cries of 'LTB' come in thick and fast.

Yet when it's the bloke, he's a sex pest, and its again, cries of 'LTB'.

Jesus Christ. And we wonder relationships fall apart. Literally cannot win.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=rJ6UML1c_V0

He only has to be doing one of the examples in that video for him to be sexually abusive. I counted at least two from your post.

If the beginning is too difficult to listen to right now, start playing it at 3 minutes in and listen to what a non-abusive partner would be like in this respect. Or listen to that first and then go back to the beginning.

You shouldn't even be left wondering when it's OK to say no to sex. It is always ok to say no.

It's demoralising because it's not "being lusted over by your husband", it's being abused by your husband.

And saying no to sex is not "rejecting" somebody. Calling somebody a "boring nun" on the other hand is rejecting them.

In a healthy relationship you should absolutely be able to be affectionate without any expectation of it leading to sex, and without being afraid that if you say no there will be this nasty reaction.

It is sad that people who clearly have no idea of what a non-abusive sexual relationship looks like have jumped in. It is not double standards to tell a woman she doesn't need to tolerate being sexually abused. That's a disgusting thing to say.

Because sexual abuse is exactly what is being described in the OP's posts.

I think twice a week is very good in your circs. Tbh I can't remember the last time I had sex more than once in a week, when I wasn't on holiday ... and I'm 23!

Is he thick?

Does he ever look after the kids by himself? To get an insight into your life?

What's he like when he's not being a monumental idiot for not understanding the lack of sexiness of a kid's sports day?

@ragingmentalist
Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this?

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/coercive_sexual_abuse.html

www.loveisrespect.org/content/what-sexual-coercion/

From the last link: ''React negatively (with sadness, anger or resentment) if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something''

But again, the problem with ragingmentalist's post is his ignoring of the twice a week issue. I think if a woman posted saying, "I want sex every night, but we have three small kids and my husband says he's so exhausted that we normally only manage two or three times a week" absolutely nobody would be saying 'LTB', they would be saying, 'give the guy a break'.

@OP I don't think that separating is the solution at all. Sex really is a very minor part of marriage. Separating just because your sex life isn't working is a bit mad considering that it is normal and common for people to experience regular and drastic changes of sex drive which will inevitably sometimes be at odds with their partners desire. These changes are something that good marriages should withstand.

You mentioned that you just don't have the energy for sex. Do you think you may find you sex drive picks up if he takes on a bit more of the domestic load giving you the chance to get more sleep or go to the gym or just rest a bit? This may also have the added benefit of tiring him out a little and reducing his drive. When one person is wanting to have sex every day and the other is too exhausted to even want to think about it my immediate thought is that perhaps the exhausted partner could do with a little bit more help and support from the other partner who clearly has the energy for it.

This is something that you can work through but only if you have a rational discussion before your emotions get to heated. He is the one who needs more sex so the onus really is on him to help you find ways to increase your sex drive. Sex isn't a right. If he wants it but you are spread to thin to want it then he needs to facilitate sex by helping you feel more energetic. However, it isn't really fair to expect him to mind read. The onus is on you to tell him what you need rather than hoping he either guesses right or gives up. It is quite possible that the sexts etc. Have been a really pathetic attempt to get your drive up. Have an honest discussion. He has made it clear what he needs from you so it is your turn to tell him what you need from him.

@ragingmentalist
Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this?

Yes, talk to him. Find out what he wants. Tell him what you want.

I'd rather have less great sex than more vanilla sex, and I bet he would too.

He wants me to be sexually forward. I'm not?
I engage in lesbian role play (not with another woman) and dress up in whatever it is he wants. I do it for him because he enjoys it and it's pleasurable.
He wants me to initiate. So I'll start initiating but I'm doing it because I've been told to. Not because it comes naturally to me.

That's just it. Vanilla sex for one isn't for the next. I've been with him 20 years and it feels like I've been trying to keep him happy.
It just comes down to incompatibility.

Your last posts make for very uncomfortable reading.

He sounds truly awful. You're not his sex doll. You're not an escort who is there for his pleasure.

He is meant to be your partner...In all things. What would he say if you said 'I want you to dress up as a fireman and come and rescue me and then strip off your clothes and dance for me'. He wouldn't would he. He would feel like an idiot and why should he do something he doesn't want to do for your pleasure!

Sexual incompatibility is difficult in relationships. Having different tastes and libidos. But not this. This is just blatant disrespect for your body and wants. That's not compatible with any relationship.

Realistically, will he change? Will he suddenly stop putting his pleasure above everything else? If you think he will, then talk to him.

If you don't think he will, let's be honest he isn't going to, maybe think about separating. For your self worth and happiness. Whether it's not or making a plan for it being possibly in the future.

I think some posters are missing the fact that OP's husband obviously doesn't care what OP wants, that's the point!

Also the point is this isnt just about sex its about control. He gives orders and you comply. Its all about his wants and when he doesnt get his own way he sulks