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Original poster

When is it ok to not want sex

85 replies

yourpin · 19/06/2018 16:47

I have 3 children 9, 7 & 1. My DH and I have had sex twice this week so far. (Well at the weekend) He's now text me saying he would fancy me in lingerie for sex tonight. He text me at sports day. I was running around after my toddler whilst trying to watch my 7 year olds races. I was irritated by his texts as feel like he's a bit full on and he has a tendency to sulk if I'm not up for it.
It's now resulted in some responses from him saying he feels demoralised/I'm boring. We've been together a long time and this has been a recurring problem. I feel that he's only content if I'm shagging him at every request in any manner he should choose. Also the texts - fair enough if I'm reciprocal but when I'm not 'I'm draining the life out of him'.
I actually feel demoralised but his response to this - how is being lusted after by your husband demoralising.
Ugh it's starting to get to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
yourpin · 19/06/2018 18:29

To be fair I'm not adverse to the odd sext either but when he's been told where I am then spurns off the 'demoralising' line then I have no tolerance. It's obvious I'm dealing with a Manchild and if he doesn't see the error of his way he'll be really feeling what it's like to be in a sexless marriage.

OP posts:
Nellia · 19/06/2018 18:31

Your husbands a dumbass.

Quickest way to turn a womam off is to complain and sulk when the answers no. Turns sex into a chore to endure rather than something mutually beneficial.

Ask him if a pity fuck with someone non responsive and uninterested would make him feel better.

Luckystar777 · 19/06/2018 19:14

Pressuring and trying to coerce you is abuse, as is making you feel bad or guilty. I've been in counselling at rape crisis in the past and this is what they say. It's ok to never want it, you're not his sex slave. It should be done when you both want, not just when he wants. And if he moans and gripes about it then he's being abusive.

NeedHoliday101 · 19/06/2018 19:27

Just so i understand- i must be slow- if he sulk and say its been a while and he miss it- then it is abuse? Seriously?

Quartz2208 · 19/06/2018 19:41

always you have every right to never want it

He sounds sexually abusive and a twat. Let him sulk. He honestly sounds really bad

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/06/2018 19:44

If, in a LTR, you only have sex when both of you really want it, sex never becomes a chore. The situation you describe makes me cringe. I'm not surprised you're put off.

He's being a dick. Treating you like a toy instead of a person. Tell him it's a massive turn off and if he wants sex on tap, he should have a wank.

drspouse · 19/06/2018 19:45

Need do you not think it's a bit manipulative? Have sex with me or I'll be soooo sad?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/06/2018 19:50

The answer to your question, yourpin, is that it's never ok to demand sex. If it's not mutual and enjoyable it's degrading.

birdonawire1 · 19/06/2018 20:00

He needs to stop acting like an immature teen and maybe do more to give you free time and to feel less harassed.

HeckyPeck · 19/06/2018 20:03

He sounds like a bellend, not to mention behaving like that is incredibly unattractive.

Fairenuff · 19/06/2018 20:25

It's worrying that you two can't just talk about this. It's not really a relationship.

annandale · 19/06/2018 20:34

Texts are inevitably sometimes going to hit at the wrong moment - that's not really his fault, especially if you've liked them in the past.

How about him trying to adjust his style a little? A text saying something like 'Thinking about you in your black lingerie right now - you are the hottest, see you later xxx' would be sexy to me in that it's describing his desire but not asking any specific action of you. Whereas it sounded like his text was more like 'Please wear outfit that you know I like, back at 7, don't be too tired' though perhaps I'm wrong.

TBH I wouldn't reply to a text if you are feeling angry. Just leave it and wait til you can actually talk. You have 3 kids and sex at least twice a week, you're doing plenty right together.

Cawfee · 19/06/2018 20:41

He sounds revolting

User1011 · 19/06/2018 20:56

Most threads on here are saying the man is going elsewhere, but your man obviously wants you!

Original poster
yourpin · 19/06/2018 21:12

He wants me but always on his terms - great!

OP posts:
pallisers · 19/06/2018 21:13

Most threads on here are saying the man is going elsewhere, but your man obviously wants you!

christ! So if a man "wants you!" you have to put up with any old sleazy shit from him?

User1011 · 19/06/2018 21:24

christ! Where does it say that? Shes at least better off than a lot of people that start threads on here.
Obviously if she doesn’t want to, turn she doesn’t want to.

TheSausageEmperor · 19/06/2018 21:25

Most threads on here are saying the man is going elsewhere, but your man obviously wants you!

Oh FFS

troodiedoo · 19/06/2018 21:29

LTB

Quartz2208 · 19/06/2018 21:31

he sounds like a teenage boy

how on earth do you put up with it

RubyShooFan · 19/06/2018 21:34

It is OK to not want sex when you don’t want sex. Anything else would be rape.

Racecardriver · 19/06/2018 21:37

It's always fine not to want sex. But it us also fine to always want (not expect want) sex and feel put out if your partner doesn't reciprocate. In isolation neither of these things are a problem.

Unfortunately, here you have a case where one of you consistently has a higher sex drive than the other. The result being that one of you is consistently being rejected and the other consistently being asked for sex that they don't want which is just as unpleasant. It is no wl dsr that you are starting to resent one another. You need to have a Frank doscussion. Are you happy with your sex drive? Do you feel like your life would be better with a higher sex drive? I'd so what could your husband do to help you achieve that? If not then what could your husband do to satisfy his needs without making you feel pestered? Dies he feel like his life may be better if he had a lower sex drive? What could he do a curve that? How could you help facilitate those kinds of lifestyle changes.

You have different sexual needs. You need to find a way to keep both parties sexually satisfied without anyone being forced into doing something that they don't want to in order to accommodate the other.

HostaFireAndIce · 19/06/2018 21:50

I think Racecardriver missed the part where the OP has three small children and has already had sex twice this week. That's hardly 'consistent rejection' is it? I would have thought most people should be able to compromise to that.

Moussemoose · 19/06/2018 21:56

The amount is not the point it's the mismatch of desire that causes the problem. Some couples are happy to have a lot more or a lot less sex. If he feels he is being rejected then he feels it. The OP feels pestered. Both feelings are valid.

He might complain OP is cold, she says he is a sex pest. Both partners are entitled to their feelings and a conversation needs to be had in a non blaming way.

SandyY2K · 19/06/2018 22:42

My response would be a long list of chores you'd like him doing whilst wearing an apron ... including a full aromatherapy body massage for you after he's helped with the kid's homework, tidied up and put them to bed.

We'll see if he's got the energy after that. GrinGrin

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