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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New partner borrowing money - just found out this has happened before.

98 replies

Harra · 18/06/2018 14:34

Just found out that my new partner who moved in with me very quickly as was kicked out by his landlady (probably girlfriend at the time though he lies) has done this to various women. He owes money to a lot of people. He was an ex of mine from over 26 years ago so things progressed quite quickly. I lent him money (£1000) to help him back on his feet & he has been living rent free since February. I got in touch with his brother on Sunday morning who has explained this is what he does. I was in shock. I have not discussed it with him. He is now working & has paid £200 back so far. Has anyone else been in this position? I feel if I ask him to leave I will not get any further money.

OP posts:
WeirdCatLady · 26/06/2018 06:53

How much do you think it is costing you to keep letting him live with you, rent free, bills free, food and sex on tap? What sort of message is this sending to your child?

If you value yourself so lightly then I feel quite sorry for you. When you eventually come to your senses I suggest a long period ‘off’ men so you can work on your self-esteem. You deserve better. Your child deserves better.

OliviaBenson · 26/06/2018 07:00

You are a fool if you wait for him to pay you the rest of the money. He's costing you more and more the longer he lives with you. Get rid now and work on your own boundaries.

Soloooo · 26/06/2018 07:42

Are you still in a relationship with him?

Original poster
Harra · 28/06/2018 16:59

Hi all,

, rgt - current plan is to get as much money back as possible before asking him to leave.

Hld - he seemed much less angry & ‘had grown up’ this time around & seemed to have addressed his anger issues. It was never directed at me previously.

Wcl - my ds does not know the financial situation & he witnesses his ‘mother’s boyfriend’ helping around the house and garden & contributing to family life. So I hope he sees a good example.

However I’m sure he won’t change so I am trying to get some money back in amicable way with as little disruption & confrontation to my & my ds’s life.

So I am ‘still in a relationship ‘ as such with him with a lot of knowledge that he doesn’t know I know. Appeciate that this may sound cold hearted or weak or that I have low self esteem. Other factors are that he suffers from PTSD which I have witnessed so I was extremely sympathetic.

Will let you know how I get on. Do appreciate all your responses - helps me face the cold harsh truth.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 28/06/2018 17:28

Why though? The longer he stays the more he will cost you as he's living rent free. Writing off the debt will be cheaper........

AnyFucker · 28/06/2018 17:32

You just can't help some people

Overgrownyard · 28/06/2018 17:33

Your poor ds. Money above his safety. You do not know this man. Shame on you.

WeirdCatLady · 28/06/2018 19:52

Oh Christ, please let this be a windup. Surely no one is stupid enough to put their child through this? Seeing mummy’s boyfriend move in after a week, ‘borrow’ large sums of money, and then continue to sponge off her for months on end. Woop woop OP, great example to set for your child 🙄

Battleax · 28/06/2018 19:53

Good luck.

SparklyMagpie · 28/06/2018 20:30

How any could move a man in after a week when they have a child at home

Good luck to you OP; hope the money is worth it.... if you get any more

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 28/06/2018 21:59

It is ok to flip the empathy switch off.
He knows it will be very difficult for you to do that. His diy makes it even harder for you to do that. The fun with your dc makes it exponentially harder to do that. So a few hours of free input from him is transacted with a payoff worth a heck of a lot of money.

What is your threshold? How much will you allow to drain away that could have funded any and all sorts for your child? ...or you?

LordNibbler · 28/06/2018 22:05

Anyfucker has it exactly right.

Dragonade · 28/06/2018 22:14

OP has a plan she is happy with, maybe after she has her money back she can persuade him to keep up £200 a week do cover back rent. When he is all up to date then she decides what the next step is

altiara · 29/06/2018 00:21

OP, you need to work out the cost of him living in your house - then it might be wiser to chuck him out (as PPs have said)
Eg council tax increase
How much more for bills
More for food
There’s no point keeping him for example 6 months to pay back the £600 if every month it is costing you £150 per month for him to live there.
It’s simple maths
You get £600, but you pay out £900.

Personally, I think you should just get rid of him.

Monty27 · 29/06/2018 03:08

You said you were going to get rid of pay day.

Wait for the excuses then.

RabbitsAreTasty · 29/06/2018 06:45

Are you getting £200 a week or £200 a month off him?

If he continues to pay, how long does that mean he will he be staying?

You said he's lining up the next victim. Do you still think that's true?

Original poster
Harra · 29/06/2018 09:01

£200 per week. Though he has intimidated that when he gets paid properly ( he has just been made permanent) he will pay more.

OP posts:
Poshsausage · 29/06/2018 10:41

I think he’s on to a good thing here he knows exactly what he’s doing and has done his sums

He knows you won’t charge him rent as you want the money back so he’s just getting free accommodation for months
Bargain
Don’t bother

Original poster
Harra · 01/07/2018 08:56

Thanks all.
Dragonade has summed it up well. I have a plan.

Wcl - I do not think there is any danger to my ds. If I did, he would be gone. I have lodged an incident report with the police and there are safe guarding measures for children if they were concerned.

Rabbitsaretasty - the reason I contacted his brother is because my ‘p’ had gone to help his brother with some disruptive neighbors & then didn’t come home. No contact or replies to phonecalls etc. I spoke to his brother the next morning & he told me he hadn’t seen p for 4 years, they weren’t really in touch & then explained how ‘p’ owed a lot of people money. When ‘p’ came back later all apologetic that his phone had run out of battery & how he had stayed with his brother & kids as they were worried etc etc. So plausible. So now I know I can’t believe a word he says, unless his brother is lying. So that is why I think he is lining someone else up. There is another incident when he came back around 10pm after helping someone fix their bike, but in nice clothes etc etc.

So it is a complicated situation which I want to resolve amicably & without confrontation. I do work full time too so only have a certain amount of time & head space.

Regarding thresholds for getting money back. He should be getting an advance for wages this week & getting paid for a months worth of work in about 2 weeks. I will expect some money when he gets his advance & then some when he gets paid. The rest of you may be right , I won’t see any more. I will also ask him to leave when my ds is not around and I have someone here. So a few logistics to sort out.

OP posts:
Grobagsforever · 01/07/2018 10:18

No no no. You must not expose your DS to another minute of this man. He has to go. Bugger the money. Why are your standards so low? A week. A week. Kick Kim out and get counselling

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 01/07/2018 17:06

You have lodged an incident report? For what??

HarryLovesDraco · 01/07/2018 17:16

How does one 'log an incident report' to the police if no crime has been committed?

SparklyMagpie · 01/07/2018 18:05

Aside from logging an incident with the police(????????)

What is actually so complicated about throwing him out?! So what he might be lining up a next victim,get his arse out and it won't be your issue

Somethings telling me all these excuses about waiting and getting the money back,you're actually wanting him to stay

Knowing you have your son in the house and he was virtually a stranger being brought in as far as your son's concerned...you still have him there when you know he's a freeloading, money grabbing tosser?

Nahhh nobody would keep him there living his dream

And it's just going to be more excuses

Good luck to you OP

SparklyMagpie · 01/07/2018 18:08

And I'm sorry but "logistics to sort out" Grin - it's not hard love,, you're prepared to get scraps of cash back over weeks and you're not even (although I wouldn't bother at all) asking for the full amount

I actually can't take this seriously. If you really wanted rid,he'd be out

MaverickSnoopy · 01/07/2018 18:33

The thing is, if you wait until you have all of the money back, then how long will it be until you decide that he's changed because he paid you back?!

This sort of man doesn't change. I spent a year on one in my late teens (he was much older). I funded his lifestyle. We didn't live together but it turned out that he had moved in with another woman who had a toddler. He stole money out of the toddlers money box! I remember the woman finding out about me and phoning me up. Before I knew it we were swapping stories. We both ended it with him. Found out later that he had form.

Get out of this "relationship" now.