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Original poster

Am i over re-acting by wanting my DP to apologise to my Dad

65 replies

Sixer · 23/05/2007 11:19

Nearly 6 years ago (relationship is 10 years), my father had the 'what are your intentions' chat with DP. DP said we have a future, they shook hands, then my father said 'look after her, she's the only one I have'. (I have 3 brothers).
3 years ago, DP had me up by the throat threaten the worst. I left him and took the 2 DC. 1 year later we went to relate, sorted out the aggression/temper/relationship. so, we have been living quite happily since. only, about 3 times since, i have mentioned to DP i would like him to apologise to my dad for breaking his promise. (looking after me). My parents will not and have not spoken to or have wanted to see his face since. This does make life difficult, as the GPS like to spend time with DC. We had a huge barney last night, with DP saying i am pressurising him. i would like to know your thought on this. I am a name changer as DP knows my nickname. sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixer · 23/05/2007 11:30

bump .

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 23/05/2007 11:32

yes, you are I think.

why is it so important to you that he apologises?

Tortington · 23/05/2007 11:33

sounds a bit american purge your emotions shit to me.

why isn't yourd ad talking to him?

i dont tell my family what goes on - any bad stuff - it hurts them and them when it allcomes right i dont want them to think of dh as a twat.

the man has worked things out - you love him i presume, he loves you - fankly i can't see what the fuck your father has to do with the price of eggs. its none of his beeswax.

Saturn74 · 23/05/2007 11:36

I think your DP needs to attempt to approach your parents.
And perhaps your parents need to understand that although the way your DP behaved towards you was unacceptable, you have both worked through the issues and have decided to continue with your relationship.
They need to respect your decision to do that, even if they don't agree with it.
You are an adult, and capable of making your own choices.
I don't think I would phrase it that your DP has to apologise for breaking a promise, but state that you know it would be best for your children if the family can be civil to each other.
Good luck.

Saturn74 · 23/05/2007 11:38

see, I spend ages twittering on, only to find that custy has summed it up a few sentences before me - again!

dionnelorraine · 23/05/2007 11:41

I think that maybe apologising is slightly ott. But I understand where you are coming from. You parents have every right to feel concerned re-his behaviour.

Its a little difficult, need to find right balance between Helpful, caring parents and interferring parents. (not that they are interfering but yswim)

This situation is/ was between you and your dh. Can you not just explain that to your dad? Explain that he has had help, was a 1 off and you are happy. Every relationship has their ups and downs, although thats no excuse for his behaviour back then.

Has your dh behaved since then?

fireflyfairy2 · 23/05/2007 11:44

If your partner has apologised to you then I think it's enough.

I never, ever tell my parents what goes on in my relationship with dh. It's just none of their business.

My sister, however, does. She tells them everything, including when she last shit and what kind of toilet paper she used

Therefore, when she and her dh are having problems, he is slagged to all and sundry, and we grow to hate him. Then when everything in the garden is rosy again we are supposed to like him again. Doesn't work, I still hate him.

Don't think your partner should apologise to your dad, it wasn't him he had by the throat.

bozza · 23/05/2007 11:46

It seems all the pressure here is being put on your DP. I think your parents have to be prepared to meet him half way.

Original poster
Sixer · 23/05/2007 12:08

oh not what i was expecting, but i did ask. It is important to me, because my parents had to take me and the boys in, they were my lifeline. it really did affect me bad at the time, and was the scariest experience i have ever had. I have battled to put the memories somewhere else. Every now and again (3 times), i have suggested to dp to apologise to dad, as the experience hurt him badly too. it may not do anything, however i live in hope that one day we may be able to do things as a family including gp's, for our children's sake. I desperately love my Dp and my parents. The children have already started to ask questions, why isn't daddy coming to granny and granda's house etc. so it is a difficult situation

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Original poster
Sixer · 23/05/2007 14:07

bumping as i could still do with a few more thoughts on this. thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Sixer · 23/05/2007 14:21
OP posts:
obimomkanobi · 23/05/2007 14:26

I think you are over reacting. The problems were between you and your DP. You have both worked to resolve them, and it's like you are rubbing your DP's nose in the situation by pressuring him to apologise to your dad.

TBH, if my dad had indulged in such sentimental mawkish chat with any of my boyfriends I'd have been mortified.

raspberryberet · 23/05/2007 14:28

I agree with the other posters.

Your dp's issues aren't with your dad, they're with you. If he's apologised to you and has taken steps to put things right, that's the important thing. I understand that your dad might be angry or worried, but he has to accept that your choice has been to go back to your dp.

It actually sounds as if your dp and your dad are both being rather stubborn - if you want them to bury tha hatchet then maybe you all need to talk, but not with any expectations that either of them will apologise to the other.

Have you told your dad that things are better now? He's still hanging onto the resentments from 3 years ago, and he needs to understand that your relationship is different now.

madamez · 23/05/2007 14:29

THis probably isn't what you want to hear but I think you're at risk of being too much of a suffering martyr to your DP . He has apologised to you, done his best to sort out the issues that led to his violence, etc... it does sound as though you want him to spend the rest of his life crawling to everyone and never being allowed to forget his crimes. Allow the man a little dignity and don't keep on and on dragging up the past.
As for your parents, it would be worth asking themto try to be civil and mature about it, emphasising that DP has sought help and shows no signs of becoming violent again.

moopymoo · 23/05/2007 14:29

think sometimes you have to just draw a line under the bad stuff and move on. If you have forgiven him, that is down to you and doesnt mean your parents will or have to. sounds a bit like you want to drag him through it a bit more?

Original poster
Sixer · 23/05/2007 14:35

My dad does know we are happy now. You see what i am failing to understand, and i am sure the MN wise bunch will put me right, is DP has even said he will say he's sorry to my dad (he's elderly, it was a shock to his system), however, when he's ready and in his time. So 3 years on, with gentle reminders, only 3 times the subject has been brought up (i don't feel given the time this is putting pressure on him) still nothing, no one talking and i'm the little piggy-in-middle.

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KezzaG · 23/05/2007 14:36

Well I do agree with everyone else that an apology for a promise made 6 years ago is a bit ott. tbh if my dad had said that to my dh I dont think he would have thought he was making a promise as such, and would therefore have to apologise to him if he ever did anything wrong.

however, I can understand why your parents would be wary of him as they saw what a state you were in, and obviously want you to be happy. Rather than some kind of formal apology cant your dp and dad have a night out, build some bridges and do a bit of bonding? I think your dad sounds like he needs some reassurance that it wont happen again, and while your dp doesnt answer to him, I can understand your dads feelings.

you dp has looked after you. He made a terrible mistake and has worked to put it right, no one is perfect, and your dad needs to meet him halfway.

hippmummy · 23/05/2007 14:38

I agree your DP shouldn't have to apologise to your parents. The fact that you and he have overcome your problems, and you love him should be enough for them to trust him too.

However, it would be a wonderful gesture for your DP to acknowledge that he hurt them by hurting you. If this is important to you he should be prepared to consider it.
Maybe he is ashamed of what he did and this is why he can't bring himself to face them?
What about if he wrote to them. Not with a specific apology for 'not looking after you'. But with a heartfelt acknowledgement of whats gone on and how you can best rebuild a family relationship.

Good luck x

moopymoo · 23/05/2007 14:38

DO you think that if he says sorry they will resolve things? Have you asked your dad? My dad is big on apologies and 'gentlemens agreements' too think perhaps a generational thing. I still wonder if there isnt another way around it, it does sound a little humiliating for your dh so long after the event.

tinymum · 23/05/2007 14:43

Well, my personal view is, I feel really sorry for your parents, who are probably worried sick about you, and furious to boot. If my daughters partner physically abused her and frightened her shitless, even once, my trust and respect for them would go out of the window, probably never to return.

Yes, I know its between you and your partner, but to your parents you will always be their 'little girl', who they will never stop worrying about and wanting to protect. I'm not sure an appology will make any difference to how your Dad feels. I think most parents (especially Dads) always struggle with their daughters partners somewhat, because lets face it who can live up to the ideal you want for your children? But your partner hasn't just slipped up in a slight way, he has slipped up BIG TIME.

I think its rather sweet (although old-fashined these days) that your Dad had that chat with your DP. He probably felt after that they had an understanding. You know, 'I am letting you know how much my daughter means to me' kind of thing.

I don't really see the point in you asking your DP to appologise, for two reasons. One, your DP has to mean it and if you got him to do it he obviously doesn't and Two, I don't think your Dad will feel its enough.

As a Parent, if my childs partner came up to me and said 'You know that chat we had, about how much you love your daughter and trust me to treat her properly? Well, I'm just here to say sorry for attacking her' I'd be hard pushed to find any forgivness in my heart. I don't know if I'm right in feeling that way, its not particulaly constructive I know, but thats how I would honestly feel.

Twiglett · 23/05/2007 14:45

yes you are I think you're having a bit of a power kick actually .. if you truly have sorted it out and your relationship is working and he has his temper under control it feels a bit like you're playging games I'm afraid (I now have the upper hand go and flagelate yourself before my father)

your father has no bearing on it .. as long as he has apologised to you and taken counselling then leave him alone

Twiglett · 23/05/2007 14:47

ave now read thread and haven't changed my mind I'm afraid

Original poster
Sixer · 23/05/2007 14:52

It will make a bridge in the relationship for all of us. I know my dad will respect an apology, showing DP has the balls iykwim. Although i do like your idea hippmummy. will maybe suggest this to DP.
btw I think you'll find me and DC are the ones who are STILL be dragged through it. DP couldn't give a flying hoot about the situation. or at least that 's how it seems. I would really like to bury the misery DC and i went through. I feel this is the only way to move on and try for normality. I think you will agree DP putting phone down on granny, rather than say she's in the loo would be nicer infront of DC. I want to be able to take the DC to DP's with DP. I want them to be able to be polite on the phone to each other. It's really tittsing me off.

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mylittlestar · 23/05/2007 14:54

Agree with bozza.

IMHO it is childish of your parents to carry this on, long after you have resolved it.
(No matter how much they love you, worry about you etc, they have to respect your decision to now make a go of your relationship.)

If you and dp have sorted out your problems, been for help, and you have now forgiven him, then your parents should respect your judgement and forgive him too.

Perhaps if your parents would meet him half way, show that they support their daughter's choices and are willing to put the past behind them, then your dh will have the appropriate opportunity to 'apologise' (for want of a better word) and do it at a time and place that is right for him.

Expecting him to march round and visit the people who don't even want to 'see his face' is unrealistic. Feeling part of your family again should be all it takes for him to find the time to make the apology that you've already said he wants to make. Just at the right time.

Stigaloid · 23/05/2007 14:56

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It is great that you went to relate and worked out his viloence problems and worked through your relationship together - that was clearly important. Well, this is important to you, and despite the fact that your DP may not like it, if it means this much to you he should be willing to act on this as part of his amends. I don't know if he sorted out his problems through a 12 step program or not, but part of dealing with problems like this is willing to make amends to those that your actions have hurt. If it means so much to you then he shoudl apologise. Afterall, you went through counselling with him and forgave him for being violent towards you.

Your parents should meet him half way in being willing to listen though.