Am i over re-acting by wanting my DP to apologise to my Dad

[Sixer]

Nearly 6 years ago (relationship is 10 years), my father had the 'what are your intentions' chat with DP. DP said we have a future, they shook hands, then my father said 'look after her, she's the only one I have'. (I have 3 brothers).
3 years ago, DP had me up by the throat threaten the worst. I left him and took the 2 DC. 1 year later we went to relate, sorted out the aggression/temper/relationship. so, we have been living quite happily since. only, about 3 times since, i have mentioned to DP i would like him to apologise to my dad for breaking his promise. (looking after me). My parents will not and have not spoken to or have wanted to see his face since. This does make life difficult, as the GPS like to spend time with DC. We had a huge barney last night, with DP saying i am pressurising him. i would like to know your thought on this. I am a name changer as DP knows my nickname. sorry.

yes my parents are old fashioned and have the old values. I am very surprised by the response. I think tinymum knows where i am coming from. So, for the sake of DC, forget me, forget my parents and DP. For the sake of our DC how am I supposed to make this normal for them.

Sorry, but I think your parents should be making more of an effort to accept your choice of partner.

DP and you have gone through enough emotional hardship without having your parents make things any more difficult. They need to accept dp is back in your life, and it's up to them to start including him more.

What would the consequences of dp not apologising be? Would it change your relationship with him?

Sounds like it's dp who is carrying this on, tbh, putting the phone down on Granny. I think he should speak to your parents, apologise and talk them through everything he has and is doing to make sure it never happens again.

Have you tried talking to your parents about the effect this is having on the children?

How old are the DC by the way?

If you've drawn a line under it between the two of you that ought to be enough.

So are you saying that if your dp apologises, your mum and dad will forgive him, invite you all round for dinner, and all will be ok?

If the answer to that is genuinely yes, then obviously your dp should apologise... for all your sakes.

If an apology will get hihm nowhere and your parents old fashioned values will still prevail, then what's the point?

DC are 5 and 3. talking of which i must do the school run. will also give me the time to think and calm down. Obviously not many out there with experience of this. am feeling slightly got at. But i posted and wanted ideas so thankk you all. Just needs a little digesting thats all.

Sorry you're feeling 'got at' Sixer.

I think the overriding message has been that if you're willing to forgive him, your parents should be too.

Obviously you're stuck in the middle, didn't ask for any of this, and want a happy peaceful life for the sake of your children.

I think you just need to ask yourself what will the apology achieve? If it will genuinely achieve peace and harmony he should do it for you. If not, then maybe a quiet chat with both parties, explaining how their behaviour is affecting all of you and you want it all to stop (and want them all to grow up), may be a better option.

I hope you're ok.

This is an honest question for all those of you who are saying 'its just between the two of you' etc etc.

If you have a grown up daughter, whose partner physically assaults them, verbally threatens them and frightens them enough for them to run away and live at your house, how easy will you HONESTLY find it to not get emotionally affected?

Even if your daughter, like sixer, tells you its all been sorted out, would you not feel at least a glimmer of anger and mistrust for the man who caused it all? Would you not maybe wish she hadn't gone back (in case it happens again). Wouldn't you expect a bit more than an appology (because when your children go through hell, even when grown up, so do you as a parent).

I can understand what alot of you are saying makes sense on paper, but human relationships tend to be more complex.

Agree with Tinymum.
The parents are probably terrified that she's gone back to an abusive partner as many women do. DP is not helping the situation by continuing to be hostile to them (i.e putting the phone down). They are probably thinking the worst - that he is aggressve and untrustworthy.
I don't think respecting 'old fashioned values' should have any bearing on this. But I do think if DP wants Sixer's parents to trust and respect him again he has to make the first move.

Ditto Hippymummy.
I can understand that they might not 100% believe that your relationship can be fine after what went on. Maybe I don't hang out on the right forums but I've never heard of it myself.
They probably still see your family as victims and abuser. A letter would give them the chance to think about it in their own time and readjust the way they think about you all.
I don't understand why your DP is so angry as to hang up when they call.

Thank you hippmummy that is exactly how i see it. Even though i openly chat about life with dp to my parents, every day stuff, what we've been up to, where we went etc, ALL good, because like others have already mentioned, i feel it's not right to let them know every specific detail. Plus i do big dp up to my parents so they can try to understand that we are happy, and they can trust him. ( I particularly like telling my dad when dp does something funny and it makes my dad laugh) i see a little light at the end of the tunnel. tinymum thanks for understanding. I honestly feel someone needs to make the first move. As this all started with DP actions, i really do feel he needs to make the first move. At least then, he can say he tried, balls in dads court. does that make sense?

Perfect sense to me.

They really won't talk to each other. its extremely frustrating.

Does your DP feel he has nothing to appologise for? Or is he just ashamed to face your Dad?

In that case, hippmummy's letter idea seems like the best option to me

thereseem to be two issues going on here - the apology and the behaviour. IMO you cannot force an apology and that fact that you are obviously expecting him to issue one is probably irritating your DP no end - it proabably feels passive-aggressive to him and I would let it drop. If ever he finds it in himself to thank your parents for taking in his DC's when he was being a pillock, he will show himself as a decent man who has got past some of his previous issues.

Apologising for breaking his promise to his FIL to treat you well smacks of the big men getting together to pat the little girlies on the head and would do my head in! Far better as I say, for him to acknowledge your parents contribution than any rather victorian pledge to protect daddies little girl. Besides - what was he expected to say when your Dad said "look after her" "No I won't I'm going to beat the shit out of her"! He did volunteer a promise it was manipulated out of him.

His behaviour on the other hand (hanging up on your mum) is childish and you need to say to him pretty sharpish that he needs to be civil to them. Shame on him, they have done nothing wrong.

its actually a bit of both. imo. last night when i decided (after spending a lovely day with parents and DC to raise the subject for the 3 rd time, he did say what for,? He does also refer to my dad as spineless because my mum is a nagger, and dad just tends to go along with her for the 'easylife at his age'. DP can't understand that, so says he got no back bone. really, this is all so stupid, why can't we have an easy ride sometimes. So yes i really do think he is ashamed to face my dad. (i don't think he would admit this though)

So am i wrong in also thinking. That those of you who have daughters really don't think like this, and expect theirpartners, future partners to treat you daughters well. Do none of you have protective brothers, i really can't believe that old fashioned values are history. Did you husbands not ask your fathers for permission to marry you, did they not go down on one knee.... I'm shocked how many of you think i/we are in the dark ages.
anyway, little rant over, I am going to suggest the letter to DP, IF and only IF he brings up the subject. I certainly will not mention this again to DP. (for another year anyway, when he'll have his reminder again)

You're not the only one. My father who's an incredible old-fashioned protective father, told my H to look after me too. Ha ha ha - did he well not really. I had to go home to them too when he told me he wanted a trial separation because of his affair. Does my father despise him for what he's done to me yes. Does he ever want to see my H again - no never. I truly see where you coming from. I think the letter's a good idea. Good luck with it all.

I'm not married and would be horrified if any DP of mine asked my fathers permission to marry me or promised to protect me etc etc. I'm a grown woman and can look after myself, I don't need to be passed down the male line! But thats just my own position. My BIL did ask my father for my sisters hand in marriage and would have mouthed any platitude he thought my father wanted to hear. He didn't really think he was taking over my fathers reposnsibility for looking after her, he was just being polite and doing what my father wanted.

I do understand your parents issues, of couse I do, I would be livid if anyone treated DS badly (its not a girl thing), however still think the apology is for the wrong thing - it should be apologising/thanking for your parents concern and action for you and DC's not for breaking that promise.

I understand where you are coming from Kewcumber, it is patronising and patriachal to 'ask for a womans hand' etc etc. However, this is a different generation we are talking about, and such things are viewed by my Dad as plain courtesy. He doesn't read anything more into it than that (passing women down the male line wouldn't cross his mind). Its the sentiments behind the behaviour that really matter, and the bottom line is, Dads love their daughters and want to protect them, no matter how independent, old and ugly they get (I know, I'm talking about me here LOL). Some Dads can only express themselves in that formal, ritualised way, as its how they were brought up.

A thank you for taking you in and helping out, or an apology for all the chaos and worry caused, would be more sensible than an apology for breaking an (old, weird, semi-coerced) promise.

(My father would want this sort of chat with DH, but has never had one. He's had one with my sister's DP, about him taking care of my sister, financially. DH joked, at the time, that DH should have the chat with my father, getting my father to agree to take care of my mother, financially, as my folks were always a bit crap with cash.)

Although he was in the wrong, your parents are in the wrong by not having anything to do with them. They are the ones responsible for not seeing their grandchildren so much. They are also being very hurtful to you, you found it within yourself to forgive him and move on, so should they if only for your sake.

So I wouldn't pressure your dh to apologise, I don't think it would make one blind bit of difference as far as your parents are concerened.

Sorry this has happened to you

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your trust in your DP was shattered and your parents had to watch him emotionally shatter you. You have forgiven him and moved on - all credit to the both of you. But if you and your DCs are important to him, your collective feelingw will be. He has a relationship to your parents via the people he loves best in the world. Why wouldn't he want to mend that?

It needn't be a grovelling apology - perhaps a quiet man-to-man chat with your DP saying he would like to put it all behind him so that his DCs can enjoy being part of a family and an extended family. It'll take guts to front up - your Dad is bound to respect that. And it might not be a magic wand, but it certainly will show willing and allow them to spend time in the same room as one another.