Am i over re-acting by wanting my DP to apologise to my Dad

[Sixer]

Nearly 6 years ago (relationship is 10 years), my father had the 'what are your intentions' chat with DP. DP said we have a future, they shook hands, then my father said 'look after her, she's the only one I have'. (I have 3 brothers).
3 years ago, DP had me up by the throat threaten the worst. I left him and took the 2 DC. 1 year later we went to relate, sorted out the aggression/temper/relationship. so, we have been living quite happily since. only, about 3 times since, i have mentioned to DP i would like him to apologise to my dad for breaking his promise. (looking after me). My parents will not and have not spoken to or have wanted to see his face since. This does make life difficult, as the GPS like to spend time with DC. We had a huge barney last night, with DP saying i am pressurising him. i would like to know your thought on this. I am a name changer as DP knows my nickname. sorry.

Also: Sixer, are you looking for the closure that an apology would bring?

I can totaly understand why you would want to share your joy at your mended relationship with your parents. Hope it all works out for you. x

I don't think there's anything old fashioned about parents wanting to know their daughter's husband will treat her well, or wanting some reassurance everything is OK after a history of domestic violence.

The thing is, it's been going on for so long, dh probably thinks you both put all this behind you years ago, and resents it still being an issue with your parents. I think it has to be cleared up as it is making you unhappy... would dh agree to apologise if he could see it as a gesture to repairing a damaged relationship to stop you being unhappy and make things a lot better for the kids?

I know it is very though on parents when their partners treat them badly but tbh I think you have reached a bit of a stale mate - you have reminded him several times about his agreement to apologise. "Reminding" him again is presumably going to sound like the naggin he hates so much in your mum.

I wish I had a solution for you that I thought would work. You seem to have come a long way in your relationship for this to be causing the grief that it is.

Sixer, sorry if this has been said (didn't finish reading the thread) but I believe you are the one to play the diplomatic role trying to build bridges between the two parties.

I don't think he has to apologise to your father (perhaps because I'm a firm believer that once you are an adult, particularly if you are married, you become a separate entity from your parents). In any case, I think insisting in DH apologising to your father may bring a bit of a bad feeling to the relationship between you and DH. And second, words do not show as much as actions, your father is more likely to forgive him if you show him DH has come a long way, and because DH is not with them 24/7 I think you are the one in the perfect position to enlighten your father about this.

I really don't know how to say this, please don't take ofence, but... you are not your DF's little princess anymore, but an intelligent, independant and capable woman to deal with and solve her own problems. Bring DF to trust you on your decisions and I'm sure things will get better for everyone.

Have only skimmed the thread, but are you sure this apology isn't more about you and DP than the family thing? Is there a part of you that still feels resentment and needs acknowledgement and reassurance that you'll never have to go through what you went through again, adn that you're setting up the apology as that acknowledgement?

Could be talking through my arse and I do understand that the practicalities of two men not talking to each other are a drain, but I think the family thing can be got round without this overt symbolism.

I agree a thank you is more relevant and forward-looking than an apology and easier for a man who obviously finds it hard to back down (have you seen that new Harry Enfield character?).

sixer when I posted yesterday I don't feel as though I had a full story. Obviously you want an improvement in the situation between your parents and your DP. I agree that the current position is not acceptable for you or your children. But the question is whether the best way to achieve this is by DP apologising or by some other means. I think you should talk to DP, tell him that current status quo is making you and your DC unhappy, what solution does he have? And do the same with your parents. Then take it from there.

Bozza, I think you're absolutely right. Being stuck in the middle of two warring parties is sh*t: neither will back down because they're afraid they'll 'lose face', both 'sides' retreat into 'well he/she/they/started it' etc etc etc etc and they get so wrapped up in it that they can't see that the person who they're loving and feeling angry over is the one who's being made the most miserable. And a lot of the misery comes from not having the closure.
Both sides have to move towards one another: they don't have to be best of friends but at least agree to behave as a happy, united family for the sake of the most important people in all this, the mum and the (grand)children.
Sorry, wittered on for ages there. Please don't feel 'got at', I think these are just different views to your own and you can take them on or not as you like. The above is from my own experience so please feel free to ignore, but don't interpret it as an attack on you because it isn't! Lots of love x

agree with HellyMnelly and bozza

hope you're ok sixer

agree with HellyMnelly and bozza

hope you're ok sixer

oops!

Thanks everyone for advice, help and different thoughts. I am not ignoring, just haven't had time to MN. and right now isn't a good time on this thread. will be hanging around this evening. Just not here. I am sure you understand. will up-date this thread tomorrow, when DP's working.

So he's gone to bed. Yesterday after the night before, he came home with flowers and said sorry. I accepted the flowers with a I'm sorry too. I wanted to ask what the sorry was for, but felt with DC around i would only rake it all up again. I'm still a little unsure why i apologised, i think for bringing it up again. (I really don't think i pressure him, do I? 3 times in 3 years, is that nagging?) So now, yes, quite a few of you have i think hit the nail on the head. I do want closure, I do want normality, as much as possible. I feel this is the way forward, to pick up the phone(if DP can't do the face to face thing, which i don't think he can), and say, thank you for taking Sixer and DC in when it was needed, and sorry if i have hurt your feelings, type thing. But I'll be blowed if that will happen. I will not mention it again to DP, even the wonderful letter idea, I would end up telling DP what to write. (I even suggest things to write on postcards to his parents, as well as reminding him to phone them). It's not his thing, writing that is. So i will have to let sleeping dogs lie, get on with life the way it is, for maybe another year, watch this space. thanks again to all, it's a relief to let this out. Sometimes close RL friends arent enough.

i don't think he should apologise to them really. as long as he has apologised to you and you have forgiven him then so should they.

I think that is a very sensible approach Sixer. If he ever brings himself to clear the air with them, you will know it truly comes from him.