Emotional affairs - have you or your dh/dp had one?

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Apparantly these are becoming more and more common particulary with colleagues due to long working hours etc. It is where you have an emotional but not physical relationship with someone which goes beyond harmless flirting. Can be spending a lot of time with someone, calling them or texting them out of work, hiding it from your partner etc.

They can be just as destructive as physical affairs, the feelings of betrayal and hurt on discovery can be just as bad. I just wondered how many of you had experienced them and how you had dealt with it or whether you don't really think it's a big deal if it's not physical.

(am regular btw)

Also how would you feel if you discovered your partner was doing this?

i have heard it said these can cut deeper

Yes I think certainly compared for eg to a one night stand.

oh god, think i might be having one! lol

And how do you feel your dh/p would feel if he found out? (not being aggressive just interested!) How do you justify it to yourself?

If they are not betraying you, it is no big deal IMO

What do you mean 'goes beyond harmless flirting'?

I suppose it depends what your definition of betrayal is

If someone is sneaking around behind your back, calling other people or texting them when they are supposed to be with you, ignoring you, being distant, thinking of them all the time - is that a betrayal?

Also remember almost all physical affairs start this way...

i dont think he would be too bothered. he knows the guy. the guy is 41, i am 23.
he is 'fatherly' i suppose.
we text silly things to eachother but it is all in jest iywsim?

I have had one recently. People keep telling me that I did nothing wrong because we never actually touched each other. I know that I did though because the texts/dirty phone call happened .

Don't know if h has had one. He would be gutted if he knew about mine.

Goes beyond harmless flirting
Again depends on your definition of harmless flirting

I would say flirting without crossing the boundary of actually saying stuff to the the other person about how you feel about them

oh, just saw that. I dont think about him all the time and yesterday was the first time i text him for 9 months.
maybe i am not having an 'affair' then.
thank god for that! lol

I think they are quite difficult to categorise or define. How does it differ from a very good male/female friendship? Is it whether it is kept secret from your partner?

I have a very good friendship with two men from work (as well as a number of women), we text and call each other outside of work and I go from lunch/drinks sometimes with them individually or as a group. However I do not have any 'feelings' for them that are different to the feelings I have for for my female friends. My DH knows about the friendship and sometime comes for drinks etc.
When does in go on to another level or defined as something different?

Do you hide it from him? It is not a betrayal if it is a laugh, if you share it with your partner or never say anything you would not be comfortable with your partner seeing/hearing

I guess it goes onto another level when the deceit starts. And when you start saying inappropriate things to each other

it's the secrecy that is wrong... perhaps

Had one of these. Nothing physical happened, the occassional 'on the line' email, but we never crossed the line. Do I feel guilty? No, I have nothing - not one thing - to feel guilty about really. I would hope that DH feels secure enough to understand that I would never cross the line.

(DH clearly does not, read my diary and asked me straight out if I was having an affair, way before any of this started)

I love my DH, always have, always will.

Absolutely

And if you had one and were found out it is entirely possible that it would hurt your partner as much as a physical affair because the thing that hurts most is the betrayal and the lies

You can have one while still loving your partner!

what about that old film? black and white.. meeting at a train station... wats it called?
that was a big romance.. but nothign happened

Dh knows i text my 'lover' and he is taking me for lunch next month for my birthday.
its not a secret.

The film is Brief Encounter. One of my favourite films. Always makes me cry.

BTW, think emotional affairs is just a ridiculous american term for something that is not really a problem. If we are all secure enough in ourselves and our love for our partner (and vice-versa) we would be able to cope with this.

I do not expect my DH to tell me every little thing he says to a female colleague, if he sends her slightly flirty texts. If he - on the other hand - is crossing the line, physically and or in other ways such as sex text (like that phrase, not sure if it is real, but sounds good ) then that is very different.

how aobut confiding your mariage problems to a friend of the opposite sex? is that wrong?

Yes it is a ridiculous term, what would you call it?

I am NOT talking about the harmless flirting you describe in the first part of your post but the later behaviour. Obviously that IS a problem.

No not if you are not getting involved with them as a result!