Emotional affairs - have you or your dh/dp had one?

[highlighter]

Apparantly these are becoming more and more common particulary with colleagues due to long working hours etc. It is where you have an emotional but not physical relationship with someone which goes beyond harmless flirting. Can be spending a lot of time with someone, calling them or texting them out of work, hiding it from your partner etc.

They can be just as destructive as physical affairs, the feelings of betrayal and hurt on discovery can be just as bad. I just wondered how many of you had experienced them and how you had dealt with it or whether you don't really think it's a big deal if it's not physical.

(am regular btw)

I agree

I think it is one of those things that you don't think much about unless it happens to you then it hits you like a train

i was thinking the same mp!
not arousing in the least.

we so need a puke emoticon!

that's exactly it, a train.
I was shellshocked and non-functioning (up and down) for over a year

Also

Just because you have an honest and open relationship with your partner, don't get blase and think it will never happen to you and that your marriage is immune.

It can happen to anyone, any time.

Both sides are awful, as PrincessPeaHead said it is terrible living with the guilt. Finding out that your partner is deceiving and betraying you is even more devastating

completely agree with you highlighter

just disagree with the flirtatious relationships is slippery-slope argument

I don't think a flirtatious relationship is an emotional affair

I am going through one atm. I had the opportunity to take it forward last week and didn't but we are going away together soon for a conference....

I don't feel I deceived and betrayed him at all, in fact a hell of a lot of it was how adamant I was that I wouldn't decieve and betray him - but I do think he would have been hurt at knowing the strength of feelings that were buried down there in me.

We did talk about it once, when I came back from a lunch completely in bits and I told him that things had got very heavy and I was very upset - he said "do you still love me?" and I said "yes" and he said "well, I'll assume that since you are with me it is because you want to be with me and not with him" and I nodded and he said "I'm sorry you are so messed up over it" and made me a stiff drink and a nice supper

he is utterly superb

god even talking about it has made me shaky. better pull myself together for the school run!

oh PPH he sounds wonderful

PPH, what a darling he is!

he is

mp I totally agree

Harmless and appropriate flirting is entirely healthy. All I mean is that once you begin to be inappropriate eg telling each other that you fancy each other and hiding stuff then it can spiral into very dangerous territory, feelings can get very strong very quickly.

PPH your dh sound like a dream!

an ex of mine has such a relationship with a female friend. It was excruciatingly painful. I felt that he told her everything/shared everything iwth her and enjoyed her company more than mine. He swore there was nothing more than 'friendship' and that I was paranoid/stupid etc.

We seperated over it

they are now together.

your closest friend of the opposite sex should be your partner (or possibly close family member) anything else is playing with fire

the way in which women/men are hurt by affairs is interesting here

had my fingers burned.
veryvery tough.
can't help feelings sometimes.

no but you can help how you react to them

sorry that sounded harsh
what I meant was

You can have strong feelings for someone but take steps to ensure that nothing inappropriate happens

it is still a mindfuck

yes

You have to draw a Very Clear Line and not step over it

crossed post hilighter.
too right

It is a mindfuck

I think part of the problem is that until something like this happens we don't necessarily think what the boundaries should be until it is too late.

I was very close to someone I worked with, our friendship grew even when he left to work somewhere else...he was the one who supported me to leave my first husband. There was never, ever any sexual feelings involved although at times I felt like I loved him and he loved me, but in a different kind of way from anyone else.

Don't see him now, I have remarried he is married now too. Still "love" him and think we will no doubt drift into each others lives again in the future.

I could never be sexual with him though, ever

Once the trust is gone it is hard to get it back. The person who you thought you knew is suddenly capable of things that you thought they would not do. Your whole life is turned upside down. You can no longer operate by the same rules.

When it was me, we discussed the line as soon as it became apparent that there needed to be one. A 'this is going nowhere, you do understand' conversation.

Line was clear and never crossed.

Agree that it could also be a total mindfck though.

Also, I think if your other half doesn't find out then it is different. Once they do it makes you realise what you have risked