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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being irrational?

57 replies

Summersday1 · 18/06/2018 11:11

I have been reading through posts on here for a little while now and have only just plucked up the courage to post.

So, I have been with my partner for 9 years, he has always had his issues and alot of that has been related to drinking over the years. We have had some ups and downs and always managed to sort everything out, until recently.

Now, I literally can't judge how he will react to anything. The smallest thing could set him off and it would be my fault (whatever it is). He goes from being a 'regular' partner to having these mood swings. The pattern is just so irregular I don't really know what I can do to make the situation any better when he is annoyed.

Yesterday, I wanted him to enjoy father's Day with the kids. He can be very childish and selfish at times and this seemed like one of those occasions. He had asked for a specific gift but I hadn't had a chance to get it in the week (work has been really busy). He was annoyed that I hadn't ordered it but I tried to make the best out of the situation and went out to buy it with the kids as a suprise. He woke up on father's Day and the kids gave him the presents, he just looked disgusted at me and said 'you don't ever f*ING listen to me do you', I told you what I wanted and you got this. He then went on to say it was all wrong, just seeing the kids little faces while he told them it wasn't the right thing was hearbreaking. They were so excited. The day then continued with him sulking and being snappy. I asked him to stop as he was being horrible and ruining the day - he just walked off. When he did come back, he said I shouldn't of said this to him and I just don't understand because I don't work nights.

He will often make me late for work and won't get out of bed, so I end up working later. The other evening I came home late and he just wouldn't let me in, he took my phone and all my keys and pushed me back outside. He then continued to shout at me through the window.

He says he's being like this as he thinks I'm cheating so when he is tired this is just a normal reaction. I am apparently being dramatic because I'm questioning why he is acting like this?

Then back to this morning, he's been asking if I am ok, do I need help etc. He says that I am being irrational as I don't show him enough attention and that if I did then thing would get back on track.

Thank for reading, sorry about the post. I am just feeling pretty down about things at the moment. If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated x

OP posts:
Fivelittleduckies · 18/06/2018 11:50

He sounds very controlling of you. His unpredictability is also of concern - especially as you have young children. Would he be open to seeking help/seeing someone? Sounds like he’d be more likely to listen to someone else than you and you and your children deserve better than this behavior from him...

Shoxfordian · 18/06/2018 11:52

He sounds horrible. He's completely wrong for doing that in front of your children as well.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 18/06/2018 11:55

Um, if this is real you should know you’re allowing a man to abuse your children. That means you are abusing them by allowing him to live with them.

If there’s no real reason not to then get rid of the loser.

AllStar14 · 18/06/2018 12:05

You are not being irrational or doing anything wrong here, he is. He sounds so awful and you don't have to put up with it. Your kids deserve better than growing up living with this man.

Cricrichan · 18/06/2018 12:05

He's abusive, really abusive. Controlling,doesn't care about the kids or about you or your job. I would leave him.

Thebluedog · 18/06/2018 12:07

He’s abusive Flowers

Pinkmonkeybird · 18/06/2018 12:08

He is being down right abusive with all of the classic signs of him turning it onto you. Please don't stay with this man for the sake of your children, he sounds awful.

Rednaxela · 18/06/2018 12:10

The smallest thing could set him off and it would be my fault (whatever it is)

He is the irrational one. HTH.

Seriously though, none of what you have described is normal or healthy. What support has he accessed to resolve his drinking problem?

To respond like that in front of the children is disgusting. He is disgusting. I would LTB.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/06/2018 12:46

Please get your poor DC out of this toxic environment.
He's not use to you anyway.
You'll be far better of away from him and so will your DC.
Please contact Womens Aid.
He is angry, controlling and a total bully.
They can help you get away.
If he's still drinking a lot then Al-Anon can help you.
They support families of alcoholics.

I would also suggest is going on with him as he is accusing you of cheating. That's called projection.
He's judging you by his standards!!!

Get away - it's no life for you or your DC.

TeacupTattoo · 18/06/2018 12:49

Your children deserve more than this. You deserve more than this. Please contact Women's Aid for support. This is not normal behaviour. Night shifts don't excuse it, and I think you know this. My Mum worked night shift and my husband does too. Neither would dream of behaving in such a manner. You wouldn't. Please find the strength to get help or to split from this bully.

TokyoSushi · 18/06/2018 12:50

Oh OP, this is awful, it's absolutely not you, it's him - his behaviour is a disgrace.

I'm not one to throw in the LTB card lightly but this case definitely warrants it. Can you start to make plans/take steps to get out of this horrible situation?

category12 · 18/06/2018 12:51

Nasty man. Your poor dc.

Original poster
Summersday1 · 18/06/2018 13:33

Thank you all for your kind advice. I knew things hadn't been good for a while but didn't expect it to turn out like this. Your comments kind of put things in to perspective. What's scary is that he's normally great with them and they weren't there when he shouted at me but that doesn't make it ok, he still told them they had got the wrong gift (who does that?!). They are my main priority and they do deserve better than this.

He hasn't been for help with his anger/drinking - it's all just broken promises.

He's living in my property and wants me to pay him what he's paid monthly for the last 7 years before he will leave (which I could never afford). I've tried to come to an arrangement with him but nothing is suitable. It just seems he doesn't care about anyone bar himself and when he does, it's all just an act. If he's not getting what he wants he will be so nasty until I just give in. It just makes me wonder how completely naive I've been for the past 9 years that I just didn't see it in him (now I can see there were tell tale signs). Think I've just wanted everything to be good, I've overlooked all the 'incidents' in the past and normalised the whole situation.

Thanks again x

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 18/06/2018 13:43

Just phone the police and get him out. What he’s paid you over the last 7 years will be classed as rent anyway so you do t owe him a penny. He will owe you child maintenance though.

ladymariner · 18/06/2018 13:54

I've been on this site for years but here's my very first LTB!! Absolutely get rid.

ThePeasantsAreAtTheGates · 18/06/2018 14:16

So he thinks he should be entitled to free lodgings for the last 7 years? I don't think so. If he hadn't been living with you he would have been paying for accommodation somewhere else. He's not your husband and his name is not on the mortgage - he isn't entitled to anything. I agree you should call the police and they can make sure he moves out. Sad situation but not your fault. Please LTB for the sake of your DC.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/06/2018 14:27

How much per month does he pay to live in your house and basically have someone look after him!?
You owe him nothing.
Tell him if he doesn't pack up and leave amicably that you will be calling the police to remove him from YOUR property.
He's an entitled cunt!

Original poster
Summersday1 · 18/06/2018 14:37

Thing is, I even offered to pay him if he will leave as it will make my life easier anyway but he wants it all up front (obviously making it difficult). I so badly have wanted to call the police on many occasions but I seem to just keep widening the boundries of what I'll accept before I go through with it and now he's used to me backing down.

OP posts:
Noddy1990 · 18/06/2018 14:44

I'm so sorry to hear the heartache you are going through. But he's bullying you and I hate to say the word. But his behaviour is classed as domestic violence. Do you have a close non judgemental friend/family member you could seek help and support from?

I know you love him deeply and is the father to your children. But you deserve happiness, and not feeling as though you are treading on egg shells or being played! Your children also will be very susceptible to the atmos and your feelings even though you do the mum thing and paint a smile on and say I'm fine. It's ok not to be and it's ok to rectify the issue to why you aren't happy.

It's going to be a real struggle to accept this and to move onto the next chapter of your life. You will need allot of support but you don't deserve these games and pressures.

Sending hugs x x x

Noddy1990 · 18/06/2018 14:45

Also. Go to the police they will not think "you are being silly or dramatic" they will sympathise and direct you. They will be on your side!

PillowMuncher · 18/06/2018 15:03

He says he's being like this as he thinks I'm cheating so when he is tired this is just a normal reaction. I am apparently being dramatic because I'm questioning why he is acting like this?
*
Then back to this morning, he's been asking if I am ok, do I need help etc. He says that I am being irrational as I don't show him enough attention and that if I did then thing would get back on track.*

He is gaslighting you. This is an abusive relationship. You are not being unreasonable or irrational. Please make plans to leave. Thanks

Original poster
Summersday1 · 18/06/2018 15:40

Thank you all for your posts. Yes, to everyone I am always ok - always bubbly and happy ready to offer advice but really inside I'm just breaking. Well onwards and upwards from here. It's only recently I've been able to bring anything up but yesterday was one of those days that really broke me. I'm going to speak to him later so hopefully it will all go smoothly.

OP posts:
PillowMuncher · 18/06/2018 16:08

Summersday, what are you going to say to him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2018 16:19

Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy and its affected you and in turn your kids markedly. You are indeed not being irrational or unreasonable here; this is all on him.

I would if at all possible have another adult with you when you speak to him. That conversation is very likely to go badly in any case and he will expect you to back down again.

I would call the police today and have him removed from your home. You do not owe him anything financially either.

Elsi3 · 18/06/2018 16:31

Gosh I really feel for you, he sounds like a truly awful man.

Please leave him, and please, do not pay him a penny!