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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being irrational?

57 replies

Summersday1 · 18/06/2018 11:11

I have been reading through posts on here for a little while now and have only just plucked up the courage to post.

So, I have been with my partner for 9 years, he has always had his issues and alot of that has been related to drinking over the years. We have had some ups and downs and always managed to sort everything out, until recently.

Now, I literally can't judge how he will react to anything. The smallest thing could set him off and it would be my fault (whatever it is). He goes from being a 'regular' partner to having these mood swings. The pattern is just so irregular I don't really know what I can do to make the situation any better when he is annoyed.

Yesterday, I wanted him to enjoy father's Day with the kids. He can be very childish and selfish at times and this seemed like one of those occasions. He had asked for a specific gift but I hadn't had a chance to get it in the week (work has been really busy). He was annoyed that I hadn't ordered it but I tried to make the best out of the situation and went out to buy it with the kids as a suprise. He woke up on father's Day and the kids gave him the presents, he just looked disgusted at me and said 'you don't ever f*ING listen to me do you', I told you what I wanted and you got this. He then went on to say it was all wrong, just seeing the kids little faces while he told them it wasn't the right thing was hearbreaking. They were so excited. The day then continued with him sulking and being snappy. I asked him to stop as he was being horrible and ruining the day - he just walked off. When he did come back, he said I shouldn't of said this to him and I just don't understand because I don't work nights.

He will often make me late for work and won't get out of bed, so I end up working later. The other evening I came home late and he just wouldn't let me in, he took my phone and all my keys and pushed me back outside. He then continued to shout at me through the window.

He says he's being like this as he thinks I'm cheating so when he is tired this is just a normal reaction. I am apparently being dramatic because I'm questioning why he is acting like this?

Then back to this morning, he's been asking if I am ok, do I need help etc. He says that I am being irrational as I don't show him enough attention and that if I did then thing would get back on track.

Thank for reading, sorry about the post. I am just feeling pretty down about things at the moment. If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated x

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 18/06/2018 16:43

You Ned to put him op. He couldn’t do all this sbusive stuff to you if it wasn’t for secrecy.
You need to call the police on him. Or pick his stuff and change the locks, and even then I’d want bathe police on standby.
If you wobble just st think of your kids. Do they deserve this abuse?

Alcohol is probably all to answer for, but it’s not an excuse. If he is going to get dry he needs to admit he has a problem, and stop trying to pretend it’s you.
Op you have done nothing wrong, an your life will improve so quickly.

Noddy1990 · 18/06/2018 17:30

He will have a good excuse for his behaviour make you feel guilty and very cleverly turn it around and make you justify his behaviour in his head. But their is never a good reason for him treating you and your children like this. At what level does it have to get for you to leave him? He will never stop mentally abusing you

Noddy1990 · 18/06/2018 17:31

Also be careful he doesn't see you writing on this post!

StripeyDeckchair · 18/06/2018 18:28

He locked you out!
He needs to go.

Pack his bags & change the locks

Original poster

Summersday1 · 18/06/2018 20:55

Thanks ! I was going to go round to a relative's to speak with him this evening, but he has decided that he wanted to watch the football instead. So, I guess I've got more time to work out what I'm going to say because I really don't have a clue what that's going to be. I won't speak to him today as I'm guessing he won't be back until late, if he returns.

I have always protected the children before, nothings ever happened with them there so I've always moved the bounderies, both physically and mentally. Oh he only pushed me over, a little bruise its not that bad etc etc...

I worry about contacting the police, I don't have any real evidence bar what I'm saying and he's already told me he will spin it round, he will pull the charming act out of the bag .

OP posts:

dominiquew · 18/06/2018 21:04

Hun I'm experiencing something very similar to you. I will honestly say please for the safety of yourself and the children, leave ASAP. Make arrangements without him knowing just make sure you have a plan to get away. This is abuse, this is unacceptable and this is not how a father behaves. Your family deserves better xx

Noddy1990 · 18/06/2018 22:26

Any form of shoving is not ok even if it is the tiniest scratch you never write it off. Do not be scared to go to the police please!!! My friend is a police officer and she wishes so much that men and women who are in a physical or mental abusive relationship go to them:

Remember police officers have seen it before they will know his games and will know he will spin it round. They are trained in this they will not fall for his mind games.

You may think your children aren't aware and I'm sorry to say this as a mum myself I know how upsetting this would be to hear but they will be aware and their awareness will only become greater.

They will admire you even more for leaving him. They will if not already admire your strength and your love for them.

This will be the hardest step of your life and will need courage and strength that you never knew you had. But please you and your children deserve and have a right of happiness and calm.

user764329056 · 18/06/2018 22:37

Oh sweetheart, I feel so sad for you and your DCs, please contact Women’s Aid when you can talk freely, you and your children deserve so much more, please believe that, you must feel so ground down at the moment, is there a friend or relative who could help you with practical things and emotional support? So many of these nasty controlling abusive men around and they don’t deserve their long-suffering partners who are worth a million of them. Please get some help, better times are waiting for you xx

PillowMuncher · 18/06/2018 22:48

OP, don't waste your time thinking about what to say to him. It won't change anything. He is mentally abusive, and from what you have said about pushing, physically abusive too. Find a safe way to leave. I definitely think this warrants a call to the police but you could get advice from a women's refuge if you're not sure how to go about that. I am concerned about your safety.

Original poster

Summersday1 · 19/06/2018 07:14

I'm sorry to read that you are going through something similar dominiquew, I hope that you can get out soon. Thanks all, everything was ok last night he seems to be out of his 'moody phase' now and back to his regular self. Just going to ride it briefly out while I decide what the best thing to do is. My children are getting older and are much more aware so you are completely right. I'm so fed up of feeling ashamed and embarrassed about the situation because he makes me feel like it's me. I messaged him yesterday to say how out of order he was and his response was ' I'll try harder to stay out of your way when I'm p*ed off but you need to stop talking about what I've done'. Not one apology or anything. I have no doubt that if I change the locks he will start trying to get in so unless he will leave amicably then I guess police is my only option

OP posts:

Noddy1990 · 19/06/2018 13:45

Keep a diary as well of every single thing even if it seems like nothing put it in! Keep all texts and voicemails too!

sirmione16 · 19/06/2018 13:54

Keep a diary as well of every single thing even if it seems like nothing put it in! Keep all texts and voicemails too!
*
^^ this
*
I would firmly it's over, that he has 24 hours to pack his stuff and leave. I would also text that through to him straight after - evidence that You've said it and he can't deny the conversation happened or he didn't know bla bla bla. Change the bloody locks whilst he's out!! Inform the police he's abusive, that You've asked him to leave YOUR property and he's refusing. That's enough. Do not threaten him with it though, he could retaliate. Keep it as your secret weapon

Anniegetyourgun · 19/06/2018 15:30

but you need to stop talking about what I've done

Wrong. He needs to stop bloody well doing it. Threw you out of your own house and you're not supposed to say anything? Fuck that for a game of happy families.

Original poster

Summersday1 · 19/06/2018 20:18

Yeah good idea thank you. Well to top it all off I found out today he has been cheating on me anyway, so yup everyone was right. He has actually made everything I do a misery for weeks because he is doing something wrong. I tried to speak to him about leaving and he won't even entertain me. If I go to speak to him he just says 'stop'. I've asked him so many times since I got in to stop swearing incase the kids hear and he carried on...saying the more I ask him to stop the more he's going to do it. Think now's the time to get him out, I just can't understand why someone I thought I knew could be so horrible! Thank you all so much for your kind advice x

OP posts:

PillowMuncher · 19/06/2018 21:53

What a scumbag. I'm so sorry OP. You must have loved him at some point and I know that ending a relationship, even with someone abusive, isn't easy. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing for yourself, your children, and for him too. He needs to see some consequences of his actions. I just hope his other woman also realizes he isn't worth it.

KettleBells · 19/06/2018 22:01

You are being amazing op. Kick him out and if he won't go call the police.

Singlenotsingle · 19/06/2018 22:11

It's all ME ME ME with him isn't it? You don't give him enough attention, you didn't get the right present, he wants "his" money back! Wtf! It's gotta be the standard MN advice I'm afraid - LTB! And quickly!

Haffiana · 19/06/2018 22:34

Do not get guilted or pressured into giving him any money. Do not do this just because he says it is 'fair' and do not do it because you imagine it will make him more amenable to leaving.

You may need your money for a lawyer. You WILL need all your money for your children because he will be with someone else (he needs someone to replace you providing his lodging asap) within a couple of months and he will contribute as little as possible for his children.

I repeat do NOT give him a penny. You are within your rights to ask the police to help you remove him from your house where he is trespassing.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/06/2018 23:00

It's time for the police now.
Get him kicked out. Like now!!!!

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/06/2018 23:06

Call 101 for advice on whether they will come and remove him, tell them about the abuse/cheating and that he’s trying to extort money from you. I don’t know if they’ll help kick him out.

If not then next time he’s not in the property have the locks changed and bag up his things.

He’s a disgusting fucking cunt.

biscuitmillionaire · 19/06/2018 23:09

He's not just a drunk.
He's not just an abusive drunk
He's an abusive drunken adulterer.

He can't control you any more. It's over. Phone Women's Aid, or the police. It doesn't matter what he says, it's over.

stubbornstains · 19/06/2018 23:27

Well, you don't have to leave, because it's your house. (I think you know that, but some posters haven't picked up on that, so just underlining it).

Women's Aid are good. The police are a help. But, if you can't get help from either of them immediately, you can just change the locks and chuck his stuff out on the street in black bags. Then, if he does come back kicking off, you can call the police there and then.

Have you got friends and family who've got your back? Having someone there over the next few days could be helpful.

stubbornstains · 19/06/2018 23:28

Oh yes, and don't give him a penny.

Original poster

Summersday1 · 19/06/2018 23:46

Oh it definitely is all MEMEME with him, I think I just used to give in for an easy life (so I guess things have been caused by me) but I actually can't stand it now. It's pathetic. The shitty thing is, he's even learning a new language or so the messages imply for this new woman of his yet he can't even pick up after himself here. And the icing on the cake....sorry to get so annoyed, was that the money I gave him to pay for the kids school milk he spent on himself (don't know why I'm surprised!!). Anyway I am sorry to rant on here.
I think I'm just a bit nervous as last time I tried to kick him out he started getting really physical slamming doors on me, holding me up against the wall and so on. I need to make sure the kids are both out.

Unfortunately nobody really knows, and the couple of friends I did tell kind of avoid me now (or so it seems).

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 20/06/2018 08:48

Things will be so much better when he's gone. Make it so.

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