PILs "devastated" about decision not have children

[Cupofteaforme1]

Me and DP had always sort of assumed we would because it's what you do but as the prospect has drawn nearer (we're both in stable, well-paid jobs, we own our house, we live in a lovely area etc.) we've come to the realisation that we don't have to have children and we'd both be far happier not to.

PILs have also always assumed we would have children. We've never discussed it explicitly with them but, again, it's just what most people do.

Anyway, they were visiting this weekend and DP mentioned in passing that we didn't want children. Oh goodness. MIL went nuts, sobbing and saying she was "devastated". I think she wanted DP to reassure her we'd think about it, we might change our minds etc. but he didn't so PILs left. They were meant to be staying another night but they went home because MIL was so upset.

DP called them to check they'd got home safely and FIL told DP that MIL had been crying in the car all the way home, she couldn't come to terms with the "new" and that he (FIL) was very disappointed.

What the actual fuck is going on?

I should say they've already got three grandchildren so it's not like we're the only chance for grandchildren.

DP has said he's not going to contact them now and just wait until they get back in touch with us. I'm completely confused and really pissed off.

Not sure I have a specific question, just wanted to vent a bit!

Ignore them. Its your life, you don't have to have children. She's being very over dramatic got nothing. Is she always like that?

She does sound dramatic, Is she always like that?

Goodness, that’s not in at all!

You might not want children through choice (totally your choice) or for all they know, you might be saying that to cover difficulty in conceiving - their reaction is very insensitive. (And a bit bonkers)

What a silly woman. Leave her to it.

Oh God - my MIL would have been the same & would have made it all about her. I’m fact it was all about her when I had miscarriages. You cannot win with people like this. Just ignore. 20 years practice here of nodding my head & not listening.

No, she's not always like that. She's quite self-centred and doesn't make much effort to see anyone else's POV but the massive drama isn't usual.

They sound batshit. I'm with your DH... leave them to their ridiculous drama and let them be the ones to contact you.

I think your DP is taking the best course of action. Only you and he can decided if you want children, it should never be anyone else's decision and your parents in law need to get a grip and take a good look at themselves. You are perfectly entitled to remain childless if that's what the two of you decided and you must not bow to any outside pressure about the subject. The woman is being ridiculous and if she can't get over it then the two of you will probably need to look at re-assessing your relationship with the in laws.

It's your life. You get to do with it what you want.

However, your mil is entitled to her feelings. She may have found it a real shock. Some people find change really difficult particularly if they were looking forward to something.

She did the right thing in leaving if she was finding it difficult to come to terms with.

What she and your fil don't have the right to do is try to change your mind or guilt trip you. I'd expect your dh to call his mum, tell her this is how it is and he'll be cross if she tries to keep bringing it up or try to persuade you otherwise as you are both happy with your choice.

I guess I could understand her a bit if she had no other grandchildren but she does

I guess to some people the point to life is to have and raise children and she is upset that you won't?

Not her life though

Wow, I assumed he was an only child and this was "her only chance" which still wouldn't be ok but would be marginally less crazy. The idea I might never be a Nanny makes me sad and DS is 3!

Your Dp is doing the right thing I reckon. If you do see them again, don't engage in why's because it'll just be her trying to talk you round.

Does he have a sibling he's close to who could try and find out what's going on? I

She's taken your decision and made it all about her.

This will be part of her personality, not just about this one issue.

She'll just have to get over it, won't she?

Blimey what an over reaction

And all about her by the sound of it

Sounds as if it is just as well you aren't having children because she would have an opinion on everything you do with them. As it is you can just be confident that as two adults you can make whatever decisions you want to. Make sure that she doesn't make you out to be the villan for refusing to be a vessel for her genes. I do think that some grandparents seem to have a competitive 'how many grandchildren do you have' type script going on. We used to hear tales of Mrs Jones who had 9 grandchildren to FIL's 4 but that is for her to fight not you.

She sounds a bit crazy. Could understand if she had no other children and this would be her only change of being a grandparent, even then it's none of their bloody business. What a drama queen!

She sounds overdramatic and like a lot of hard work. Your dp is doing the right thing, best to let everyone have some space and time to get some perspective. My mil is overdramatic like this. We have kids but my sil doesn't, having children got brought up a few months ago and sil said that she wasn't sure she wanted kids. Cue mil going on about it for ages afterwards. Sil is 25 so has plenty of time to change her mind. Some people just don't like it when people make different decisions to what they would.

Your husband is taking the right action, ignore them til they grow up.

My mum would like grand children, but she knows I have zero maternal instinct and she is making do with my horse being her adopted grand son. His mother has grand children already, she can get over it.

DP isn't close to his siblings to find out what's going on with MIL.

Totally ott reaction.

Maybe it is driven by the fact that her children make her life worthwhile, and is upset that her DS will be missing out on this?

Your life...your decision.

Totally selfsih attitude - does she see you (and your DH) as babay making machines for her entertainment ?

I think that my DS and DDIL have decided not to have children, and they are my only chance of grandchildren. But it's not about 'me' having grandchildren, it's about them having children.
I totally respect their choice - their lives to live as they please. I had my chance when I had my own children.
I wouldn't for a moment think I had any right to comment on whether people decide to have children or not. Surely what you want for you children is that they are happy with the lives they lead, whether that be with children or without ?

Your dp doesn't need to know what is going on with MIL

She is total drama queen, what a terrible reaction.

Leave her until she has calmed down, she can come back round in her own time. I don't think you should be adding to the drama by contacting her this all about her.

Well, no, this is all about you and your dp and future.

Well, what can you do? You are not going to have children just to please her.

She needs time to come to terms with it.

She has more GC than my mother has!

Id feel sympathy if she had noGC but three is a good number of GC!!

Just as well, she sounds like she'd be a nightmare grandma!

I think you're doing the right thing - not their decision to make or influence, wait for her to get in touch and (hopefully) apologise for such a dramatic and rude reaction! Nobody has the right to try and make you feel bad about such personal decisions.