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Original poster

PILs "devastated" about decision not have children

78 replies

Cupofteaforme1 · 18/06/2018 10:40

Me and DP had always sort of assumed we would because it's what you do but as the prospect has drawn nearer (we're both in stable, well-paid jobs, we own our house, we live in a lovely area etc.) we've come to the realisation that we don't have to have children and we'd both be far happier not to.

PILs have also always assumed we would have children. We've never discussed it explicitly with them but, again, it's just what most people do.

Anyway, they were visiting this weekend and DP mentioned in passing that we didn't want children. Oh goodness. MIL went nuts, sobbing and saying she was "devastated". I think she wanted DP to reassure her we'd think about it, we might change our minds etc. but he didn't so PILs left. They were meant to be staying another night but they went home because MIL was so upset.

DP called them to check they'd got home safely and FIL told DP that MIL had been crying in the car all the way home, she couldn't come to terms with the "new" and that he (FIL) was very disappointed.

What the actual fuck is going on?

I should say they've already got three grandchildren so it's not like we're the only chance for grandchildren.

DP has said he's not going to contact them now and just wait until they get back in touch with us. I'm completely confused and really pissed off.

Not sure I have a specific question, just wanted to vent a bit!

OP posts:

Loonoon · 18/06/2018 11:57

As a mother I would be devastated if my DC made that choice. I would love to be a grandparent one day. However I would keep my disappointment to myself and respect their decisions. I would certainly cry about it but in private.

I would be kind to your MIL and get your DH to contact her by phone/text/card/whatever to say you’ re sorry your decision has upset her and try to carry on as normal. But don’t feel guilty or that you should explain or justify your decision. Her disappointment is her issue not yours.

elephantscanring · 18/06/2018 11:58

I can actually understand how she feels. I'd assume that my dc would have dc, and I'd 'expect' to have gc. I'd be upset if one of my children didn't want dc. (I want to see what my children's' babies look like, and cuddle them )

Sounds like it was a big shock for your MIL. Maybe she has other things going on in her life if it upset her so much? If it's out of character, cut her some slack. Maybe she'll calm down and you can talk about it.

But this doesn't mean she gets to guilt-trip you about it! Your life, your decision.

ZispinAndTurmericLatte · 18/06/2018 11:58

A complete overreaction. I could understand her being privately a bit sad if she was hoping for more grandchildren, but it's your life, she won't know what all is behind your decision, and it all just sounds a bit insane.

My DM already has four grandchildren. They are all lovely. She still cries at me about her huge disappointment that she won't get any from me. She knows full well we tried all we could. Any conversations about children and lack of are all about me comforting her. (A bit irrelevant, but rantety rant...)

critiqueofeveryday · 18/06/2018 12:00

Zispin - you poor thing!

Racecardriver · 18/06/2018 12:00

Well if they alrwady have grandkids I don't see the problem. Okay, I'm sure that they ate probably quite sad for your DP but if he doesn't know what he is missing out on surely it's not that bad. Certainly not something that should result in that kind of outburst.

2B1Gmum · 18/06/2018 12:08

Poor you, luckily your DP is with you and not engaging in this. It is so important that having children or not is a joint decision, children are not a right, they can't be given back and if you have decided being parents is not for you I totally respect your adult decision. Your MIL probably grew up in age where being a mother was for her the most important role and being a grandmother natural progression, but as many have said, she is a grandmother.

Maybe you and DP should take it as a compliment that she clearly had dreams of you producing lovely children :)....

Cricrichan · 18/06/2018 12:11

She's entitled to be disappointed and worried that you may regret it but that's it. She has 3 dgc already so it's not like she's not getting a chance to be a grandparent!

postcardsfrom · 18/06/2018 12:12

She's shocked and upset, give her some time. She has other grand kids so once she gets used to the idea she'll calm down... clearly this has hit a nerve. It's okay for her to be disappointed, I would be but not to cause a whole drama out of it.

Undies1990 · 18/06/2018 12:15

Sounds like an over reaction as she already has grandchildren. Ignore and live your life as you want to.

How do you think she'd react if either of you were found to be infertile?

kaitlinktm · 18/06/2018 12:17

Surely what you want for you children is that they are happy with the lives they lead, whether that be with children or without ?

^^This

Neither of my children want children of their own - so I won't ever be a grandparent, but I wouldn't dream of making them feel guilty about it. In my retrospective moments I wonder if this was because they had a bad childhood, but they say this isn't the reason - they just don't want a family.

The important thing is that your children are happy - everything else is secondary.

Lancelottie · 18/06/2018 12:23

Oh lordy.

Well, at least you know that your imaginary future children will never fall from their pedestal as the pinnacle of possible grandchildhood. Maybe she just really can't stand her existing grandchildren?

(My mother once told me to 'Stop inviting your sister over. It's putting her off having her own children, and I'm sure hers would be fine.' Er, thanks.)

AngelsSins · 18/06/2018 12:27

This is why people shouldn’t assume that women will conform and have kids. I told my mum since the age of 14 that I wouldn’t have kids, she insisted I would change my mind, and many do of course, but it was arrogant of her to just insist that I would. I’m 38 now, it’s finally dawning on her that I’m not going to change my mind and she’s super disappointed, but hey, not my problem.

My mother in law was disappointed too when it was mentioned, but has never mentioned it to me.

Honestly OP, she might be upset, but it’s not your problem, she never should have assumed you, or her son, would want kids.

RoadToRivendell · 18/06/2018 12:35

I'd be pretty gutted in her shoes, too, but I like to think I'd manage to keep it to myself.

Anyway, you've got right on your side.

Original poster

Cupofteaforme1 · 18/06/2018 12:40

I think if she found out one of us was infertile, she'd think it's the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody ever

DP said when he was a child, MIL thought all people without children were weird and it was probably a good job they didn't have children (read: weird sex people)

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2018 12:46

How old are you btw?

WeAllHaveWings · 18/06/2018 12:47

ds is an only child so my only chance of grandchildren. I will be devastated if he decide not to procreate, but I will keep it to myself (I'll maybe off load to the dog!).

I don't understand the ott drama if she's got 3 dgc already to fuss over, what are the family dynamics like? would she expect to be closer too or see your dc more often than her existing dgc?

SalemBlackCat · 18/06/2018 12:47

Yeah if she had no grandchildren I could understand but she sounds quite off and rather emotionally manipulative. Best as your DH said to just let them contact you next.

DarlingNikita · 18/06/2018 12:51

What drama llamas. Leave them alone. They'll get in touch with you if they want to.
MIL has said in the past that our children will be the "high achievers" of the family You've dodged a bullet. Who would want that attitude in a grandmother?

DP and I, and his sister and her partner, have had in the past to put up with remarks from his parents about not having children and how sad it will be not to 'carry on the family line and name', as if they were the fucking Plantaganets. I don't know why some people are so hung up on other people's reproductive lives but I CBA with that sort of drama.

NukaColaGirl · 18/06/2018 12:54

I have 3DDs. I’m not arsed if they have kids of their own or not. That’s their life choice and absolutely fuck all to do with me.

How utterly bizarre of her!

MardAsSnails · 18/06/2018 12:56

I’m with you OP. According to my mum, Apparently I’m selfish that I’m not giving my nieces any cousins. SIL is an only child so this is their only chance to have cousins (!?)

Have had it easier with the ILs though since his sister had a baby last year - they thought they’d never have any.

Original poster

Cupofteaforme1 · 18/06/2018 12:57

We're both 34.

Family dynamics are very odd. PILs have three children.

Youngest daughter is 30, lives close to PILs and a real handful. She has one child and PILs are very very involved in her life. It's understandable given that their daughter (so SIL) doesn't really show much interest or care in her own daughter but I think PILs are too involved/invested at times.

Oldest son is 37 and lives a couple of hundred miles from PILs. He has two children. His family are just a completely normal, average family but DP thinks BIL is unhappy with things because they live very close to his wife's parents and her parents are very involved in their life. I think BIL feels a bit isolated.

Then DP is in the middle. We live a couple of hundred miles from PILs.

DP and his brother and sister don't really speak. Not that there've been any big rows, they just don't keep in contact.

OP posts:

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 18/06/2018 13:05

Lancelottie, how rude. Mine you we do often joke with the au pairs that we have put them off having children for ever. They laugh, but they don't disagree.

I did once say to my Mum that if she had wanted to be certain of having grandchildren she should have had more than two children. She wasn't being dramatic or anything but she kept 'mentioning' that all her friends had grandchildren and she didn't. It wasn't like I wasn't trying to have DC, so it was doubly annoying to me when she had a little whinge. (I do have DC now, but it was 14 years after we married before we got DS.)

Trills · 18/06/2018 13:06

I'd suggest that the best course of action here is to act normal as much as you can.

Don't chase after her. Ignore that behaviour, but don't ignore her, if you see what I mean. Carry on with your lives. Contact her at the point you would normally next have contacted her.

Don't bring it up, obviously. If she brings it up, treat it as something that is completely decided and not very interesting to talk about, and move onto the next subject as soon as you can.

She'll get used to it.

Lancelottie · 18/06/2018 13:07

Well, maybe she had a point.

RaininSummer · 18/06/2018 13:15

If it was her only chance for gc I could have understood her being upset (but she certainly shouldn't have shown it like that). As she has 3 already she is rather out of line. It is your decision as a couple entirely. I suppose it might help if your husband is very clear again with her that it is a joint decision in case she just thinks you are the one choosing this path for her 'poor' son but, again, your choice entirely.

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