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Original poster

PILs "devastated" about decision not have children

78 replies

Cupofteaforme1 · 18/06/2018 10:40

Me and DP had always sort of assumed we would because it's what you do but as the prospect has drawn nearer (we're both in stable, well-paid jobs, we own our house, we live in a lovely area etc.) we've come to the realisation that we don't have to have children and we'd both be far happier not to.

PILs have also always assumed we would have children. We've never discussed it explicitly with them but, again, it's just what most people do.

Anyway, they were visiting this weekend and DP mentioned in passing that we didn't want children. Oh goodness. MIL went nuts, sobbing and saying she was "devastated". I think she wanted DP to reassure her we'd think about it, we might change our minds etc. but he didn't so PILs left. They were meant to be staying another night but they went home because MIL was so upset.

DP called them to check they'd got home safely and FIL told DP that MIL had been crying in the car all the way home, she couldn't come to terms with the "new" and that he (FIL) was very disappointed.

What the actual fuck is going on?

I should say they've already got three grandchildren so it's not like we're the only chance for grandchildren.

DP has said he's not going to contact them now and just wait until they get back in touch with us. I'm completely confused and really pissed off.

Not sure I have a specific question, just wanted to vent a bit!

OP posts:

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 18/06/2018 11:22

WTAF Crikey Op!

I don't know how I'd feel about this , but only because I can't imagine anyone in my family being so selfish!

More than anything it's your body and you get to decide what you do with it!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 18/06/2018 11:24

However, your mil is entitled to her feelings. She may have found it a real shock. Some people find change really difficult particularly if they were looking forward to something

This. I realise that I'm going against the thread here, and there might well be issues around being 'over-dramatic', but she sounds genuinely really upset.

It's not a huge leap to think that it's because she cares about you both and was excited about the prospect of more grandchildren and all the joy that brings.

She should have kept a lid on the worse of the drama until she was away from you, maybe, but she didn't, perhaps because she felt overwhelmingly sad about it and behaved in a way that she might well feel regretful about.

It seems her disappointment is real though and I'm not sure why everyone is encouraging you to be so dismissive of her feelings.

Of course it's your decision. She's never going to change that, but she is definitely entitled to her own feelings about it.

Maybe not usually like that because she’s not been thwarted before. Trust me I know. Self centred & self absorbed. Just don’t rise to her. Give her enough rope & your DP will see what she’s really like. Win win

Wow.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 18/06/2018 11:25

Is your DP by any chance the favourite child?

Be prepared because as the DIL she’s no doubt resolving that this is all your doing.

Slanetylor · 18/06/2018 11:28

Well it’s not like she made a calculated decision to have those feelings. She just had those feelings at that time, it wasn’t an act of aggression.
I would have thought most people would realise that they and hide their feelings but sometimes we can’t.
It’s not her decision, it’s yours. But she is entitled to her feelings too. As long as that’s the end of the drama.
My children are young but I would love if grandchildren were in my future.

bigKiteFlying · 18/06/2018 11:28

We had ours to early to suit IL, we weren't supposed to have as many as we did, my own parents think our age gaps are wrong.

You learn to go meh.

We're not close enough for our choices to impact on them so I think it more the fact we didn't discuss it with them or just follow in their patterns despite them doing things differnt to their parents. MIL thought and told people all the children were accidents as we didn't announce TTC .

PineapplePower · 18/06/2018 11:28

It seems her disappointment is real though and I'm not sure why everyone is encouraging you to be so dismissive of her feelings

This. Sadness over this particular son not having children is a valid emotion. How she deals with it is on her, but give her space to process and come to terms with this. She must have imagined a future where this son would have children of his own with qualities they like in him passed on to a future generation. That’s not going to happen now, and she will have to mourn the loss.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 18/06/2018 11:31

she is definitely entitled to her own feelings about it

^This. Now I have children I would actually feel quite sad if they made the decision not to have their own because they really have brought so much happiness into my life.

There’s also the really selfish part of me that wants to cuddle their babies and play and spoil them yet do very little hard work. I can’t imagine getting upset at them about that though.

Fluffycloudland77 · 18/06/2018 11:31

Ignore. You don’t have to have kids.

We didn’t because Dh had chemotherapy for cancer, his mum forgot to tell him that he could freeze his sperm so he didn’t, I’ve got pcos & I’m 41 with a contraceptive implant. I still get remarks about “I don’t suppose im getting a gc”. Nope. Not from us.

She has two Gc.

People are a bit mad.

Postymalone · 18/06/2018 11:31

Your DP is going the right thing. I’d be very pleased with him.

Ignore her.

bigKiteFlying · 18/06/2018 11:32

Is it possible she thinks it's some kind of judgement of his childhood?

That was suggested for hostility to bf from ff older relatives - that they feared some kind of judgement as we were doing things differently.

Original poster

Cupofteaforme1 · 18/06/2018 11:32

DP isn't the favourite but he's the most successful. Sorry, I know that sounds big-headed.

MIL has said in the past that our children will be the "high achievers" of the family, which is horrid to the other three grandchildren and also places a lot of fucking pressure on our don't-yet-exist children

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 18/06/2018 11:35

MIL has said in the past that our children will be the "high achievers" of the family

Oh dear. Sounds like she was ready to play favourites too.

Slanetylor · 18/06/2018 11:35

Wow FluffyCloudLand!! That was a fairly casual post FILLED with intrigue. You could get an amazing short story out of that. You MIL seems a prize!!
I hope you are doing ok. That’s a lot to deal with.

Barbaro · 18/06/2018 11:35

They are allowed to be sad yes. But do you actually thinking bursting into tears and sobbing that they are devastated and disappointed is normal behaviour? It's not. They can do that in private, but not to the people it concerns. It's not they family, life or money. I know that my mum will be privately upset I don't want children, but she has never once said so.

FizzyGreenWater · 18/06/2018 11:38

Oh gawd. DEFINITELY don't contact her, ignore this manipulative nonsense and if the above is where she's at, ignore her full stop.

critiqueofeveryday · 18/06/2018 11:41

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this on top of what sounds like a very tough decision-making process that must have been quite emotional for both of you.

FWIW, I think people react in strange, overdramatic and panicky ways to news like this. This is NOT an excuse for doing so, it's just a statement about how terribly disappointing people can be at times!
Give them time to get used to the idea - a break from contact might be a very good plan for a bit for both sides. As and when they are ready to have a grown up discussion about the whys and wherefores, perhaps create some space for that. Make it clear, though, that if it starts to become emotional, you will not be continuing the conversation.

AbsolutelyBeginning · 18/06/2018 11:41

Yeah, sounds like MIL is a drama llama and had a whole lot of drama and intrigue planned with the next generation. You've taken some of that away from her. She'll need to build a bridge and get over it.

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 18/06/2018 11:42

She should have kept her upset private, it's really none of her business.

Being genuinely devastated, privately, is not an over reaction, she cares. Not showing a neutral face and having a few tears would be fine, the drama is too much.

It has nothing to do with her, she is being ridiculous. Would she have the same over-reaction if you couldn't have kids, and were devastated yourself?

Your DP sounds great and is dealing with her very well!

critiqueofeveryday · 18/06/2018 11:42

"MIL has said in the past that our children will be the "high achievers" of the family"

Just read this. You've totally dodged a bullet here. That's an AWFUL thing to say about her other grandchildren.

spanishwife · 18/06/2018 11:43

To weigh in on the comments about her reaction being 'valid' and 'understandable' - I agree, but you suck it up and get upset at home. You don't sit and cry and wail in front of the couple in order to make them feel bad, that's so rude!

ResistanceIsNecessary · 18/06/2018 11:45

Ignore the dramatics and don't engage.

I'm childfree by choice. It didn't stop my DM from knitting a full baby layout "just in case"! Almost 10 years on I think it's finally sunk in that I'm serious and she doesn't mention it any more. Plus she has plenty of GC from my siblings.

Original poster

Cupofteaforme1 · 18/06/2018 11:49

@critiqueofeveryday It hasn't been a tough decision for us. It wasn't really a decision at all. Over the last few years, whenever we've talked about "starting a family" (I hate that phrase so fucking much), we've always concluded we haven't wanted to yet. Then about a month ago we mentioned it again and both decided we'd never be ready and we couldn't really see any way having children would enhance our lives. That conversation ended with us basically saying "Let's not bother then" as though we were planning a meal out or something

OP posts:

critiqueofeveryday · 18/06/2018 11:51

cupoftea - It sounds like this is really, really the right choice for you in that case!

Thinking about what I wrote, why should all decisions about having children have to involve big emotional turmoil? If you just feel in your gut this is right for you, then that's fine. . It's kind of good that you have that almost-physical level of certainty.

Stormy76 · 18/06/2018 11:56

Just give them time to get over the shock, it sounds like MIL had a pretty picture in her mind involving lots of grandchildren and she feels that has been taken away. She didn't need to be quite so dramatic but I suppose she was shocked. She is entitled to feel how she feels, but not to make you feel guilty for not having kids though, that's not her decision to make.

Original poster

Cupofteaforme1 · 18/06/2018 11:56

I have to say when we decided to "not bother" I felt an almost physical sense of relief. It felt as though me and DP are living a great life now but at some point that has to change and after that change it might be better, it might be worse but it'll definitely be different.

Coming to the conclusion that we actually don't have to make that change was a real relief- that's the only way I can describe it.

OP posts:

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