Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stressing about Christmas already.. AIBU?

92 replies

Igglepiggle88 · 17/06/2018 23:26

I have been with my partner for 6 years and we have a 1 year old son.
His parents live abroad so we have spent every Christmas so far at my parents house, which has never really bothered OH.
This may sound childish but I was an only child and very close to my parents, and every single Christmas of my 29 years I have spent with them just the 3 of us and then obviously OH and DS now.
He has invited his parents to stay with us this year over the Christmas period, which is understandable as he hasn’t had one with them in 6 years. His parents are ok, we don’t always see eye to eye but we tolerate each other.
The thing is my parents won’t come to our house for Christmas dinner as they are a bit set in their ways and want to be at home, and his parents won’t go and have Christmas dinner and their house with us all. So I’m in a bit of a hard place. I was thinking of staying Christmas morning and then helping to prepare the dinner but then going to my parents around 1pm and having dinner with them, giving them chance to see DS (they only live 5 miles away) and then coming home later in the evening.
I just feel they will bad mouth me for a) leaving them.. b) taking DS if I take him c) being selfish and leaving DS if I leave him with them.. but it just won’t be Christmas to me without dinner at theirs.
Any advice or opinions either way will be appreciated.

OP posts:
AlaskaSometimes · 18/06/2018 03:34

Can you get your Mum onside by saying how much you need them as support and to help you get through? If your Mum brings a side or helps with the cooking your MIL can't be rude about the food. I would definitely be asking my parents to come over to save me from a day with inlaws only.

You do need to practice cooking poultry a bit first if it makes you anxious. :)

LM1970 · 18/06/2018 04:40

YANBU to want to see your family on Xmas day. YABU to expect your DH not to eat Christmas dinner with his only DC. How would you like it if your in laws came, stayed in the local Premier Inn and DH took your DC out for lunch with them while you sat with your parents?

It’s not unreasonable to pop round for say an hour so your parents can see you and your DC. It’s upto your DH and ILs if they wish to follow.

FrancisCrawford · 18/06/2018 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Passmeabrew · 18/06/2018 07:17

You need to stay home with your OH this year. The first year of change is always the worst but its only fair to let him and his family have a turn. Tell your parents you are staying home and they are more than welcome to join you or you can do something another day. Any time they mention lunch at theirs just repeat the above.

You could cook beef if thay is easier for you? Doesn't matter if thats pink! You have lots of time to get in the kitchen and practice cooking between now and then. YouTube is full of tutorials for all sorts and there's loads of good Christmas cook books about to inspire and help you. But you must get your OH doing it aswell - you are a team so don't take it on as your job only.You can improve your cooking in general, dont just focus on one day! Get over to the food boards, lots of help and ideas over there. And the Christmas boards will help you hosting - people over there are obsessed and love the whole season and they live helping people out and will be full of tips for you. You can do it!!

TheABC · 18/06/2018 07:32

Oh, OP. First off, you can't please everyone. Present it to your parents as a done deal:" My in-laws are here over Christmas. You are welcome to join us". If they don't want to, keep it breezy; "OK, let's meet up on Boxing Day".

Next, practice cooking. Or get DP to do it. I personally enjoy involving my guests with the food preparation, but I am a confident cook and my in laws are lovely (and we start with a glass of prosecco in hand).You can buy pre-cut veg, prepped potatoes and a ready-to-cook bird. I really like the idea of a thermometer, mentioned up-thread.

Finally, you need to address MILs nasty remarks. If you feel you have done your best, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Get DP on board and call her out on them. She has no business slagging off your cooking and childcare in your house.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/06/2018 07:33

I second practicing cooking roast dinners and getting a meat thermometer.

2blueshoes · 18/06/2018 07:41

I don't think you should leave your guests and I think it's fair to have DH's parents come to stay at Xmas.

If your parents say they won't come to you, I'd have a heart to heart and say "I can't leave my house, It's DH's turn to have a family Christmas. I want to spend it with you as well and, as I feel uncomfortable in this situation, I could do with your back up and I won't feel so uncomfortable if you are in my home too".

I doubt, you being an only child, your family should go to your house. It will make you feel less uncomfortable having them there.

CiderwithBuda · 18/06/2018 07:43

Your parents sound quite stubborn but if you and your partner are often arguing or whatever whenever they come over then I’m not really surprised they don’t want that for Xmas.

You can sort the food issue quite easily. Practice - you need to be able to cook after all. Maybe get some help for the emetephobia - will also be helpful for the future. Or as others have suggested you can order food or go out. You could order from M&S or Cook. Or Sainsbury’s.

Could you talk to your mum? Tell her you feel a bit caught in the middle and would like to host them and in laws and can she help you plan. Maybe if they see you actually want to do it they might come round.

If not I think you do have to stay and host your in laws though. It would be incredibly rude to go to your parents.

CiderwithBuda · 18/06/2018 07:43

Of course other option would be your parents hosting all of you?

smilingeyes79 · 18/06/2018 07:44

Is there a reason your OH doesn't cook if it upsets you do much ? This is not the 1950's he can rustle up a roast surely. In fact he and MIL could do the dinner, and you visit your parents with LO for a Christmas breakfast so you see them on the day without missing lunch at home.

We always went to my nans every year and tbh it got too much as we got older. We wanted to be home playing with our toys. A bit like your parents my GP were stuck in their way and I resented it. As close as you are to your parents it is time with your little family to start your own traditions.

shiklah · 18/06/2018 07:47

You could do Xmas morning and home and then all go out for dinner?

helloBuddy · 18/06/2018 07:48

Personally I think you should have it at home and not leave in the middle of the day. You've got your own family now and your DH has been to your parents the last few years. Time to accommodate his parents this time and if your parents won't visit tough. I can't totally understand why his parents don't want to go to your parents and have them cooking for them. I'd feel like a burden and uninvited guest.

SoyDora · 18/06/2018 07:53

Everyone is being very very inflexible here.
My brother died in his 20’s so I am now the only child of divorced parents (mum still single, dad in a new relationship) and DH’s parents live abroad. Every single one of us had had to compromise in some way every single year in the 10 years since my brother died to make sure no one is left alone at Christmas and everyone gets a chance to see their grandchildren on Christmas Day. That’s what people do. Compromise.

GertieMotherwell · 18/06/2018 08:04

I think the issue has occurred because you’re discussing this before November.

GertieMotherwell · 18/06/2018 08:05

I also agree with SoyDora

SoyDora · 18/06/2018 08:15

Yes, talking about it in June certainly isn’t helping matters! Just gives you all longer to get stressed. Discuss it again in November.

reddressblueshoes · 18/06/2018 08:27

I'm also an only child: I made it clear to DH that I wouldn't feel v comfortable leaving my parents on their own for Christmas so we've invited both sets here. Last year they both came, this year my mum made it clear she was happy for me to go to my in-laws if it was easier as they're now my family too and it's important not to play favourites.

Your parents are the ones in the wrong. You need to spend all of Christmas Day with your partner and hai family and make it clear to your parents they're also invited. If they choose not to go, they choose not to go.

You don't get to take away your child from their father on Christmas: that's part of being an adult I'm afraid. Your own core family needs to take priority.

The other stuff- slightly overbearing MIL, worries about cooking turkey correctly- are the universal concerns about Christmas and there will be forty threads discussing them from September on that can support ob the practicalities. For now, just make it clear to your parents they can come to you or not but you'll be at home.

liquidrevolution · 18/06/2018 08:40

You really need to grow up OP. You are not a child anymore and you have your own family and your own responsibilities.

One Christmas without your parents won't kill you but will make your DH and his parents happy.

Most of us do alternate Christmases with parents.

liquidrevolution · 18/06/2018 08:46

Apologies for being blunt OP. Didn't get much sleep last night!

MsJolly · 18/06/2018 09:13

You're being selfish as are your parents. They see you and your DS all the time and you have spent Xmas with them and your DP for 6 years. You all need to grow the fuck up think about other people for a change. You cannot take your son away from his father and grandparents on the one Xmas they are together-that's mean and thoughtless. Also leaving in the middle of the day yourself to go to your parents is awful-if you think your relationship with his parents is bad now-wait till that happens!

Not knowing how to cook when you're a grown up with a family is shocking TBH. Even my 11yr old could make a good stab at it, as he cooks with me on a regular basis. If you feel you can't and won't learn then buy the whole package deal M&S-they will have strict cooking guidelines of time and temperature on so you can be sure it will be fine.

beepsheep · 18/06/2018 09:31

Thank God my relatives aren't this petty and immature. Sounds like it also suits you that your parents are digging their heels in as you clearly want to go to theirs for the day. It's a bit weird they would sacrifice spending the day with family in favour of being in their own surroundings, it's literally one day.

LillianGish · 18/06/2018 09:36

Take a step back - you never spend Christmas with DPs family and they hardly see their grandchild. You are not a child any more - you have your own home and family it is up to you how you spend Christmas. Tell your parents you are having Christmas in your own home this year with DPs family and they are welcome to join you. If you are not confident about cooking Christmas dinner (having presumably never done it before because of spending every Christmas with your parents) then ask someone to help you (DP or his mum if she is a good cook). It's not as if you can't easily see your parents over Christmas - they live five minutes away. They sound quite rigid and inflexible if they are not happy to change their arrangements, but that is their prerogative - you can't do anything about that, just don't turn into them by becoming rigid and inflexible yourself. If they choose to have Christmas lunch on their own so be it. Your child is one, now is the moment to break the Christmas cycle and start to create a new one that suits your family.

SuperSuperSuper · 18/06/2018 10:03

Your parents are BU. The worse thing you can do with people who are "set in their ways" is enable them - think in general about what life will be like for you as an only child when they are elderly if you get into the habit of pandering to them! Awful.

Tell your parents that they're welcome to join in, but if they can't you'll see them on Boxing Day.

Make sure DP pulls his weight with prep and cooking. Don't get into the habit of taking on all hosting responsibilities when your ILs stay.

TeacupTattoo · 18/06/2018 11:11

I don't think you are being selfish, I have neither of my parents any more and would love the chance to spend even 5 minutes more with them. But, I don't understand why you can't do a lovely lunch at yours with in-laws then go after. If your in-laws don't want to come, fine.
I would say the biggest thing is that you are happy not being able to cook a roast! Ask your Mum for her tips, buy a cookery book, google it - it's not hard and it sounds like it's become a big thing in your mind. Show everyone you don't "balls-up" all the time! To be honest, if I'd heard somebody complain about my parenting, like you did your partner's mother, that person would not be welcome in my house, end of. Stand up for yourself, to him, his parents and yours.
(Btw I left home at 16 and didn't even know how long to boil a pan of potatoes, by 18 I was holding dinner parties and making pheasant with red currant sauce etc, all with no Mum to ask for advice. You can do this!)

rubberducker · 18/06/2018 13:01

If you've always had Christmas at home with your parents then clearly they didn't have an issue leaving their own parents on Christmas Day to start their own traditions, so why are they making it difficult for you to do the same?

It would be spectacularly rude to leave your in laws to go to your parents when it's their first Christmas with you.