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Original poster

Stressing about Christmas already.. AIBU?

92 replies

Igglepiggle88 · 17/06/2018 23:26

I have been with my partner for 6 years and we have a 1 year old son.
His parents live abroad so we have spent every Christmas so far at my parents house, which has never really bothered OH.
This may sound childish but I was an only child and very close to my parents, and every single Christmas of my 29 years I have spent with them just the 3 of us and then obviously OH and DS now.
He has invited his parents to stay with us this year over the Christmas period, which is understandable as he hasn’t had one with them in 6 years. His parents are ok, we don’t always see eye to eye but we tolerate each other.
The thing is my parents won’t come to our house for Christmas dinner as they are a bit set in their ways and want to be at home, and his parents won’t go and have Christmas dinner and their house with us all. So I’m in a bit of a hard place. I was thinking of staying Christmas morning and then helping to prepare the dinner but then going to my parents around 1pm and having dinner with them, giving them chance to see DS (they only live 5 miles away) and then coming home later in the evening.
I just feel they will bad mouth me for a) leaving them.. b) taking DS if I take him c) being selfish and leaving DS if I leave him with them.. but it just won’t be Christmas to me without dinner at theirs.
Any advice or opinions either way will be appreciated.

OP posts:
moanaschicken · 17/06/2018 23:56

They say you are selfish, I agree. You've had it your way for 29 years. I can see why you want it your way all the time if you say your parents are just as inflexible mind.

Let the in law's come, enjoy the day and don't spoil it!

Takemebackto2002 · 17/06/2018 23:56

No true snuggy, I suppose I have Christmas on a bit of a pedastool as it’s always just been a day I’ve had at my parents.
OH had Christmas abroad and at other family members and with other family members (his family is huge) prior to meeting me so he just sees it as another day/meal, where as I suppose I see it as being a day I’ve spend with my parents at my childhood home since forever.
Selfish and childish on my part I know but I just don’t know what compromise to come up with this year.
A restaurant would maybe be a good compromise.

Takemebackto2002 · 17/06/2018 23:58

Ahh yeah sorry I changed my name before I posted but it’s only just changed for some strange reason igglepiggle = 2002 same person lol

Takemebackto2002 · 18/06/2018 00:03

Maybe if I say I’m having dinner at home they might then say they will come to my house or come before or after Christmas dinner.. call their bluff type thing.

Elspeth12345 · 18/06/2018 00:08

Your DH hasn't seen his parents for Christmas for six years so it's definitely his turn.

Invite both sets of parents to Christmas dinner at your house- if your parents won't come then that's their problem. Arrange to see them for the whole day on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day as either pre-Christmas or a second Christmas!

TheMonkeyMummy · 18/06/2018 00:16

How about Christmas Eve at your parents and then go back with everyone on Boxing Day?
Don't leave in the middle of Christmas Day. Open the sherry and put on some family movies

Pressuredrip · 18/06/2018 00:17

Whilst I do really sympathise, it's your parents who are being the most unreasonable.

Your husband can cook Christmas dinner. If mine invited his family round for dinner without asking I'd expect him to cook. Why on earth would it be on you? With a toddler, you don't want to be cooking.

What about plan 3 and booking a meal out? Maybe a Christmas Eve or Boxing Day buffet at home for both families.

TwentySmackeroos · 18/06/2018 00:20

I would have thought a restaurant is a rubbish compromise. It's like a demilitarised zone. Things can't be that bad.

Announce: Christmas is at yours. Your parents: bring two dishes. Parents in law: bring crackers and wine. You and your OH: pre-order on M&S. Child: cuteness and hugs.

Just do it. Then forbid yourself from angsting about it until the first of December. Sorted.

Monty27 · 18/06/2018 00:22

I don't understand why they can't have manners just for one day and stop putting you in this awful position. Can your dp cook op?

You can't even cook a roast dinner, what's that about?
No wonder your DPS don't want to come. have they Molly coddled you all of your life? They sound controlling.
I was feeling sympathetic but now I am not.
Grow up op. I am sorry if that sounds harsh but seriously?

stayathomegardener · 18/06/2018 00:24

Both your parents and your in laws are being totally inflexible.

I would book Christmas lunch out for you DH and ds and tell them they are all welcome to join you.

Sorted!

pallisers · 18/06/2018 00:26

Selfish and childish on my part I know but I just don’t know what compromise to come up with this year.

Don't think like this - you aren't selfish or childish or if you are you are aware of it.

Tell you parents that you are thrilled to host this year and you hope mum and dad will come over early so they can help you reproduce the food they do etc. It is a change in some ways but not a big one - the significant people will still be there - your mum, your dad, your partner, you, your child -- and not your partner's parents. The venue may change but are your parents really going to stress over a venue?

My parents did xmas dinner for years. And then we grew up and had children and xmas dinner always included them (and the food they cooked) but where it happened and who else was included changed.

honestly I think my parents really enjoyed the xmas dinners with extra different people there.

OP, would your parents really want to spend xmas dinner in the same place eating the same things with you for ever and ever. Come on - I bet they have more go in them than that.

pallisers · 18/06/2018 00:27

and not your partner's parents

whoops - and NOW your partner's parents

myrtleWilson · 18/06/2018 00:31

Goodness as far as I can make out -you've had Christmas for x years at your parents. But this year you DP's parents are on the scene (presumably they can't host you?) and they don't feel comfortable at your parents.
But your parents won't come to yours?

So - what happened to make your parents not come to yours?

Unless it was unforgivable, I'd say you learn to cook host everyone at yours and be an adult.

Takemebackto2002 · 18/06/2018 00:32

I aren’t the best cook as I suffer quite badly from an anxiety disorder called emetophobia - the fear of vomiting. I therefore overcook everything, patically poultry to make sure its well done and then end up getting my timings messed up on everything else. OH can laugh it off and is used to it but it will be humiliating if I mess up Xmas dinner while his parents are there.. and if his mum takes charge i’d feel a bit demeened and know she’d be talking about me being a shit housewife etc as she has many times.
I kind of feel like is a lose lose situation for me on this one x

myrtleWilson · 18/06/2018 00:35

If you're an anxious cook you need to buy a good quality thermometer - you can get good ones from Lakeland. It will give you confidence that the meat is cooked correctly. Honestly - it will make you feel so much more confident.

Takemebackto2002 · 18/06/2018 00:37

Pallisers, you are so lovely thank you again. I think you’re typo of NOT my partners parents was wishful thinking though haha 😂 it’s true though as you say if they come to my house what is the difference really apart from the venue. That probably would be the better solution. I’m just almost certain they would put their foot down and say they are staying at home though for dinner.. maybe if I say I’m having it at home they might compromise and come in the evening but who knows x

Takemebackto2002 · 18/06/2018 00:39

Thank you Myrtle you know what I will invest in one - I did have one but it was from eBay and I didn’t really trust it! I’ll get one from Lakeland, thank you for that idea! x

FlyingMonkeys · 18/06/2018 00:41

I'm sorry but it frankly all sounds very over complicated. Everyone involved is an adult just make whatever plans are easiest - either have the meal at your house or book a pub. Tell everyone they're very welcome - but make it a like it or lump it invitation. I'm pretty sure you DS and their DGS should be the priority here perhaps? If they all want to see him on the day which I'm sure they do. Then they'll go along with whatever plans you make regardless of what may have been said 12mths ago hypothetically 🤔 they've got half a year to come to terms with it.

Takemebackto2002 · 18/06/2018 00:45

They live in Tenerife and don’t have a huge place, and in fairness they never invited us or mentioned Christmas together until DS came along.. they always spend it with friends over there.
Nothing major happened for them not to come to mine they just said we end up bickering when they have been (me and OH) so don’t very often come for meals at ours. They just put their foot down and say they will be having Christmas at home and won’t be going anywhere else for Christmas. Like they can see how much I’m stressing and saying will it look bad if I come to you for lunch etc but haven’t said oh we’ll just come to you then Sad

MistressDeeCee · 18/06/2018 00:54

You are a family and you have guests. Your parents can come to you or you can see them on Boxing Day.

You sound as inflexible as they are and need to see sense. They hardly see their grandchild. Your parents do, tho. If you do decide to go to your parents then leave DC at home to have quality time with his paternal grandparents

Cornishclio · 18/06/2018 00:56

If your OH hasn't spent Xmas with his parents in 5 years then I think it is their turn this year. If your parents choose not to come then pop over Xmas eve or Boxing Day. Use the next 6 months to learn to cook a roast. Write the timings down and don't try and do too many trimmings. You and your OH and your DS have your own family now so time to make some changes. My DD and her DH alternate between spending Xmas with us and DHs parents.

FlyingMonkeys · 18/06/2018 00:58

Umm will your DP not be upset if you disappear to your parents with your DS from 1pm until the evening? I think that'll cause far more issues than his mum & dad/ your parents having the hump.

timeisnotaline · 18/06/2018 01:12

Your parents are being downright nasty imo. You are hosting dps parents, and you will be with them for Christmas dinner for one time in 6 years. you would be exceptionally rude leaving for dinner. The bad cooking thing is harder- can you buy something like an M&S beef Wellington , or consider a restaurant? Or can your dp not cook?

janaus · 18/06/2018 01:24

You could have Xmas lunch at your house, lovely meal with all the trimmings with DH and his family. Then go to your parents for the evening meal. I am also an only child and everyone had to compromise some years.

GertieMotherwell · 18/06/2018 03:25

Just stay at home this year.
Invite your parents and let them decide nearer the time.

Personally, I won’t have Christmas dinner anywhere than at my own table

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