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Original poster

Can you get over an emotional affair? If so, how?

99 replies

OhFucko · 17/06/2018 13:17

H had an emotional affair last year. I strongly suspect it went further, but not all the way. He denies anything except lots of talking and a cuddle when she was crying.

He is very contrite, devastated, only loves me blah blah fucking blah. She was a friend of mine. He promised he'd never contact her again. Yet the next week he was snapchatting her. Innocent stuff but just no fucking need.

He did a lot after that to try and make it up to me and we have limped on. I don't feel the same about him any more. I used to love him so much it hurt.

They work in the same industry and he still works with her on and off. He says this can't be helped without outing the situation to everyone we know, which is probably true.

2 weeks ago I went with him to an industry dinner and she was there. She looked at me and I just gave her the middle finger. Apparently she has asked him how I am and said how gutted she is as she hates to feel like someone hates her

At the dinner she waited till I walked away then went to speak to him. I saw because I'd left my phone on the table so turned back. They said she was just asking him something about work. I called her an arrogant selfish twat and told her to have enough class to fuck off out of my life. I wish I'd said more. He's had worse from me.

I just can't stand it all. He remains very sorry and keen to make things better but....meh. He's broken us and I hate him for it.

I won't leave because of the children.

Is there any way to make this better?

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 18/06/2018 19:08

Bloody he'll, he's definitely hard of thinking.

He doesn't really give a shiny shit about your feelings. He isn't backing up his words with actions.

I'd be seriously considering a Jeremy Vile style lie detector!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/06/2018 19:21

The reason you feel like shit is because he's not ending this, he doesn't want to.

If I were him - and I actually felt remorseful and wanted to save our marriage - I'd do exactly as you asked - exactly - but would make it very clear that there was to be no further contact outside work, that the 'friendship' was over and that I wouldn't be engaging any further beyond what I had to for my job. You wouldn't be in any doubt.

I think that you're wise to consider separating. I also think your self esteem won't let you lie to yourself or pretend that his actions are any kind of 'salve' for you - because they're just not.

I don't think the affair was emotional by itself either. They didn't kiss - but they cuddled? Rightio. He's a liar, OFucko.

If you don't want to leave then don't. Don't be a wife anymore though, he would be doing his own stuff and you should be having a life of your own now - out and about and doing what pleases you, making sure that he does 50% of the childcare. You need time for yourself to regroup. I read that you're seeking counselling for yourself, I hope it's helpful for you.

You deserve better than this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/06/2018 19:24

Make it clear to OW by the way - she wouldn't be in any doubt either that it was OVER, whatever it was, there would be no more. However 'devastated' she would be, that is what he should be doing - you should be his priority, not her and not his ego.

I'm dubious that a woman who receives no positive assent, no emotional fillips, would continue to engage with your husband so freely. That's why I don't believe it was just emotional, I really don't.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 18/06/2018 19:25

Basically, he doesn't want to her to think badly of him and so he can't bring himself to be as harsh to her as you need him to be. So he is putting both his feelings and hers ahead of yours.

lifebegins50 · 18/06/2018 19:37

9 calls to her on Saturday??? That is infatuation....why else do you contact someone so often.

I am so sorry

Pippylou · 18/06/2018 19:40

The problem for me here would be he let it develop and didn't exactly fight her off. She is still pursuing him. It's trust isn't it, gone?

You're worried about the children but this sort of thing will wreck you and what good are you to them a shadow of your former self?

I couldn't live with someone I hated...mainly because it would be so obvious to anyone in the vicinity but also because I wouldn't be able to live with myself like that. If you know what I mean?

RachelTeeth · 18/06/2018 19:48

He’s not even trying to hide the fact she is still his mistress, he must think you’re really stupid to believe the shite spewing from his mouth and the pretend tears. And not fucking her while they were away for a month ‘in rooms beside each other’? Ongoing frequent phone calls and ‘friendly chats’? And this is only the stuff he’s flaunting, imagine what he’s keeping secret so as not to have to have his kids 50/50 or pay divorce solicitors.

flowerpot1000000 · 18/06/2018 20:16

OP Im so sorry. He is minimalising. I had this and it went on for 3 weeks just like this. I hit rock bottom wanting to believe it was nothing but knowing deep down it wasnt. Then one day I asked him. Look no matter how bad it is I just need to know I will forgive you and we can move on in my nicest kindess voice. He looked at me paused for ever obviously assessing it all in his mind then stuck to no nothing happenef. The very long pause and his pathetic voice told me he was lying. We are still together have separate rooms and plod on ... same as you my kids. But I dont like him anymore, I feel different about him, I dont trust him and I know when I can and the time is right... I will walk away. OP it will eat you up...made me ill. But he needs to CUT ALL CONTACT with this woman. Also OP @AnyFucker has brilliant advice...Ive often read the posts and they make sense...

Original poster
OhFucko · 18/06/2018 20:21

He has blocked her number now.

I wish I knew how to make him tell the truth.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/06/2018 20:29

He seems full of concern for my state of mind

So much so, in fact, that he'll refuse to text her because you wanted to see the replies? And then the multiple calls, in a situation that he knows is causing you distress? Frankly that doesn't sound like "concern" to me - it sounds, as I said, like cruelty

I know how much this all hurts - believe me I know - but right now aren't you allowing him to treat you like a fool?

Original poster
OhFucko · 18/06/2018 20:30

Probably.

What do you suggest?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/06/2018 20:35

It's not for us to make the decision for you, but personally I'd ask him to leave while he considers what he's going to do about this. No crocodile tears and "but what can I dooooo to prove it to you" - that's his problem for taking no responsibility at all so far

It wouldn't be easy, but the shock might just bring him to his senses ... and if it doesn't and he runs straight to her, at least you'll know what his real intentions are

Pippylou · 18/06/2018 20:55

I don't think you're being a fool in any way. These are big decisions, particularly for the little ones.

I think if you knew for sure it was a fully fledged affair, you'd have made a decision already. That would be easier, hence wanting to know for sure.

Robin233 · 18/06/2018 21:12

For what it's worth I think emotional affairs are far worse than physical ones.
If you can forgive that you can move forward.
We all make mistakes because no one is perfect.

I wish you well.

AnyFucker · 18/06/2018 22:20

He will have a coded communication with her

ohfucko is watching, ignore this call and I will be in contact via my other phone/other form of communication

I know you hate to read what I am typing but you need to wise up. You feel you don't know the half of it... so trust yourself for fuck's sake because this man is not trust worthy

AdaArdor · 18/06/2018 23:52

9 calls on. Saturday???? I mean, nobody in my life do I call that many times a day, least of all someone I've had an emotional affair with when I'm trying to fix things with my actual partner.. seriously, this guy is really not thinking of you at all. Do you know from the calls whether they were outgoing or incoming?

You're right, the ohfucko is here is dodgy as fuck.

I'm so very sorry, I don't know what to say because he is just being so deceitful, but I hope you get to the bottom of it soon Flowers

flowerpot1000000 · 19/06/2018 00:16

Yoi will also go through a raft of emotions...
Shock, dis belief that he has done this to YOU, US OUR KIDS
Then emotional turmoil, then anger, shock again, rock bottom, you wont sleep or eat and feel sick THEN you will start to breathe again...it is a horrible rollercoaster. He will tell you what you want to hear. It was her she was chasing, she was calling him, she did all the running, never him.

For me it's broke us...12 months after was a fog cant really remember much about it ...only now I think how much I dislike him for breaking us.

You need to sit down together and get him to tell you every single detail from start to end...surely you need to know what has happened or happening for you to forgive...my DH sent a message to OW saying I miss you so much. I wanted to know what was it about her he missed so much...what was I forgiving??

Take your time, you call the shots BUT it has to start by him cutting all contact from now

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/06/2018 11:24

it has to start by him cutting all contact from now

You're right of course, but it doesn't sound very likely to happen, does it? The "I was stupid, I didn't think" seems to get trotted out every single time, but no actual change follows

In the absence of any real care for OP's state of mind there's no reason for him to tell the truth, since that may damage himself. So he goes right on gaslighting in the belief that there'll be no consequences, and OP continues to suffer Sad

Elsi3 · 19/06/2018 11:45

I'd have totally lost my shit by now and kicked the lying prick out.

How are you ever going to trust this man and move forward? You will forever be looking over your shoulder.

I will never again play second fiddle to another woman. Having been there and come out the other side, if my new partner even sniffed in another woman's direction he would be gone.

Please put yourself first, I know how hard it is but NOBODY deserves this type of treatment.

intheloop12 · 19/06/2018 20:21

I think this has made the scumSad

farter · 19/06/2018 22:28

Yep - dodgy as heck. So sorry OP.

Maybe it's time to see a solicitor?

Big hugs x

CraftyLemonPoet · 12/04/2025 19:26

Are you still here OP - I’m sorry to resurrect an old thread - but your situation is VERY similar to mine (including your actions and emotions). How are you doing now? I’m six months on from discovery and still meh or hating him x

Original poster
OhFucko · 12/04/2025 20:25

Hello - yes still here. It took a while but I got over it. He has done a lot in the interim and I do genuinely think it made him realise that he didn’t want to lose what he had.
However - with his actions, he killed that absolutely madly in love part of me. And that will never come back. But we do have a good relationship and in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t leave.

Hope things get better for you 💐

OP posts:
CraftyLemonPoet · 12/04/2025 21:44

OhFucko · 12/04/2025 20:25

Hello - yes still here. It took a while but I got over it. He has done a lot in the interim and I do genuinely think it made him realise that he didn’t want to lose what he had.
However - with his actions, he killed that absolutely madly in love part of me. And that will never come back. But we do have a good relationship and in hindsight I’m glad I didn’t leave.

Hope things get better for you 💐

Thank you so much for your response! Well done for getting through it and I’m glad to hear he put the work in to make changes. I’m really happy to hear things are going well ❤️

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