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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you get over an emotional affair? If so, how?

99 replies

OhFucko · 17/06/2018 13:17

H had an emotional affair last year. I strongly suspect it went further, but not all the way. He denies anything except lots of talking and a cuddle when she was crying.

He is very contrite, devastated, only loves me blah blah fucking blah. She was a friend of mine. He promised he'd never contact her again. Yet the next week he was snapchatting her. Innocent stuff but just no fucking need.

He did a lot after that to try and make it up to me and we have limped on. I don't feel the same about him any more. I used to love him so much it hurt.

They work in the same industry and he still works with her on and off. He says this can't be helped without outing the situation to everyone we know, which is probably true.

2 weeks ago I went with him to an industry dinner and she was there. She looked at me and I just gave her the middle finger. Apparently she has asked him how I am and said how gutted she is as she hates to feel like someone hates her

At the dinner she waited till I walked away then went to speak to him. I saw because I'd left my phone on the table so turned back. They said she was just asking him something about work. I called her an arrogant selfish twat and told her to have enough class to fuck off out of my life. I wish I'd said more. He's had worse from me.

I just can't stand it all. He remains very sorry and keen to make things better but....meh. He's broken us and I hate him for it.

I won't leave because of the children.

Is there any way to make this better?

OP posts:

BeyondSceptical · 17/06/2018 17:48

Urgh, I get that. I've always said i can work through anything, but I need to know what is going on. Not knowing is shite

But (throwing stones from my glass house...) you know enough to draw the line. It's just bloody hard to actually do it. :(

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/06/2018 17:54

I think he should have said 'no, she's not working with us.' He has the power to

So having her work with him is a choice and what would people "talk" about if there's nothing particular to say?

I'll ask again: just what is this "anything" he's prepared to do? Because so far I'm seeing nothing at all

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/06/2018 17:56

He's saying that his embarrassment about his behaviour and guilt at her manipulative sadfacing is more important than your distress, and you need to spell that out to him.

BeyondSceptical · 17/06/2018 17:56

"I'll ask again: just what is this "anything" he's prepared to do? Because so far I'm seeing nothing at all"

Yy :(

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/06/2018 17:59

What he should have said TO HER is "no, and how can you possibly think it would be appropriate for us to work together".

Original poster

OhFucko · 17/06/2018 18:04

What he should have said TO HER is "no, and how can you possibly think it would be appropriate for us to work together

Well yes.

Apparently she asked him 'is OF ok with us working together? I hate feeling like someone hates me' so she must be thick as fuck. He just gave non-committal answer apparently.

He is a workaholic and has form for thinking nothing is more important than work. We talked about it last week and he said 'what was I supposed to do, refuse to work with her, turn down xxxx project and lose £5k?' and I was like 'erm, yes actually...?'

OP posts:

kateandme · 17/06/2018 18:09

i think your being really sensible.in getting help for yourself.this might give you answers too.or help you iron out your feelings and see whether this trust can be worked on or not.but at least youll learn ways of letting go of the pain or how to work with it so you can feel ok again.having this building inside all the time must feel exhausting.
I do no if it carries on the kids will hate it.they will feel the anger and pain in your posts.they will end up hurting for it.and may end up ruinging your relatioships.living in toxic house is awful for all involved.
I understand how clients and work might be effected if a inter affair comes out.that hard on you still though isn't it. so ithink clear rules can still be met.he doesn't need to talk to her even if she comes over he can make it clear unless it work he wants her to walk the other way at every opportunity.
thinking on the idea of separation might be very helpful too.youll see whether you want him back once the pain eases once you feeling more yourelf again.
then perhaps its about starting again.dating.getting to know the reason you love eacohter again.with him doing most of the work I might add in winning your trust back.
but separating might just take yourself out of this current boiling point of emotion and trying to keep it all together and being strong.you can then just work on healing ur heart

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/06/2018 18:12

I just want to KNOW

I absolutely get that too; the constant uncertainty utterly destroys your peace of mind

But you'll never learn the whole story because to him there's no advantage in telling you everything. If he does he'll believe you might leave him, and if you do leave him there'd have been no point in him admitting anything which could come back to bite him later

Of course you "don't feel the same about him any more", but if there's to be anything left to salvage it's up to him to make the running - and if he won't then you have a hard decision to make

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/06/2018 18:18

'what was I supposed to do, refuse to work with her, turn down xxxx project and lose £5k?'

Personally I'd have asked how much he thinks he'll lose if you take half of his pension

Doingreat · 17/06/2018 18:20

Op if he isn't prepared to turn down contracts so he doesn't have to work with her, what IS he prepared to do to earn your trust? Isn't your trust more important than 5k.... unless you will lose the house or starve?

He's paying you lip service nothing more. He cares more about work, about his professional reputation (people will talk etc) and about money than about fixing your marriage. He's SAYING sorry but he ISN'T sorry. He is sleep walking through this and thinks being sheepish is enough. Well he needs a rude awakening. It's time to go nuclear on him and say he is not to contact her again for ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. if people talk or he loses a contract here and there, well that's a consequence of HIS choices. It's his fault. Don't accept any blame for him losing work because he can't work with her. Otherwise what has he learnt?

AnyFucker · 17/06/2018 18:23

What is it you want to know ?

It is quite clear from an outside perspective that

your husband has had a sexual affair
the affair is not over
he doesn't give a shit about your feelings

What is not so clear is why you are still with him.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 17/06/2018 18:23

^^ this. And every penny of that 5 grand goes into a separate account for you. It's the price of your love.

Wuss2018 · 17/06/2018 18:30

I had an emotional affair years ago text messages etc with a colleague. So from your husbands perspective he can't just turn those feelings off same as if he'd had an actual affair. I have to admit it hurt when it ended. It takes time and not seeing the other person as there will always be that temptation to text eta.

Original poster

OhFucko · 17/06/2018 18:31

They both swear it wasn't sexual. I don't believe it.

I did/do believe it was over. He hasn't contacted her for nearly a year. I know because I check his phone and I'm about 1000x more tech savvy than him. He couldn't hide it from me if they were still in touch, trust me.

Until this latest work thing.

I'm just so gutted. I hate them both.

OP posts:

Footballmumofthefuture · 17/06/2018 18:31

Of course he had sex with her. More than once! She is lying for him because they are still at it.
She is still ringing his phone and he has just become more savvy at hiding it.
He accepted her in a position closer to him so he could be closer to her.

Doesn't really matter how great his job and the benefits are. If he wanted to reassure you he would move jobs and cut her out. There isn't really an excuse. He created this shit. It's up to him to sort it out.

As for the kids. Trust me they will be fine! You won't be!

Footballmumofthefuture · 17/06/2018 18:34

You may be more tech savvy than him. But he is a cheat, that has more to loose. He has been caught once. They don't make the same mistakes twice.

Thespringsthething · 17/06/2018 18:35

He may have another phone!

kateandme · 17/06/2018 18:45

if an affair is over the man would want too as much distance as possible.if someone is ashamedand guilty because of regret and remorse over an affair then they would want to distance themselves from the ow as much as possible.that person is jointly responsible for ruining or potentially ruining your marriage therefore youd want away away away from them.
have you spelt out the hurt to him.you sound like your being very strong.he needs to see the raw and horrific pain your so obviously feeling from this.your pain needs to hurt him to make him get the picture and fast.
you don't deserve this.
so is he now back in more contact with hr again.id be asking myself why?and id be suspicious.VERY.
can you see this changing?
can you see you being happy with him again.even with help?
its not up to you to fix this.he should be continuing to help you heal and trust him.
but there comes a certain point whether you have to know whether its too much and you wont be able to get passed this.becasue cheating still or not you wont cope with being with him.and some people cant get over it.that is no fault on you.its takes true grit to get past an affair.many can.many many cant.
but you need to be there for you right now and think how to move forwards.

farter · 17/06/2018 18:48

So sorry OP. Awful situation. Hope you can see a way through - one way or the other.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/06/2018 18:50

He has been caught once. They don't make the same mistakes twice

Actually, OP said he already has - he got caught in the "emotional" affair, said he wouldn't contact the OW again and then did exactly that only a week later. (I agree he's unlikely to be caught again though)

OhFucko have you considered how much a year of checking his phone has contributed to your current, very understandable upset? That gut wrenching fear about what you might find and the all-too-brief relief when there's nothing to see that time? It's the kind of thing I meant in saying this wrecks your peace of mind, and it's not going to get any better while he's making no effort at all

Footballmumofthefuture · 17/06/2018 18:52

Yep exactly! He will become an expert at hiding. Highly likely they are giving each other times to contact ect! Be aware.

BeyondSceptical · 17/06/2018 18:57

"That gut wrenching fear about what you might find and the all-too-brief relief when there's nothing to see that time? It's the kind of thing I meant in saying this wrecks your peace of mind, and it's not going to get any better while he's making no effort at all"

Puzzled is clearly another woman who has lived it

Original poster

OhFucko · 17/06/2018 19:01

It's completely destroyed my peace of mind.
I'm angry, stressed, anxious, tense, all the time. He knows this.

I rang her now. I wanted her POV. She admitted that she asked to work with him again, that she'd asked if I would be ok with it and he's just kind of gone 'hmm.' When I asked her why she rang him out of the blue to ask to work with him, when there are dozens of other firms she could work with (she's a freelancer). She didn't really have an answer for that other than 'sorry.'

I told her exactly what I thought of her, calmly. She said, upset 'what do you want me to do?' and I said 'just fuck off.'

She took quite a bit of anger from me, and didn't bite back. Just took it. He's been the same.

This is what I don't get. If all they'd done is text, then my reaction would be way OTT. But they never say that, they just take it and look guilty and apologise.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/06/2018 19:01

Unfortunately, yes - Puzzled is ... and thanks for the flowers

Starface · 17/06/2018 19:05

My, £5k. That is the value he puts on your relationship and your family life. That is so little! For that alone I would have difficulty staying with someone, if they chose that little money over serious family difficulty. Let alone in the context of an affair, emotional or otherwise.

As someone who felt attracted to an emotional affair during a rough patch, but didn't engage with it, I found that separation from the other party was essential to overcome it, as was serious effort in rekindling my marriage. What he has done is simply not enough and does not show commitment to the value of your marriage or family.

You, your children and your family life are the prize here. And you are worth more than £5k. You should value yourself more highly than this or it will utterly destroy your self esteem.

And btw, if any of this "gets out" and causes damage to his business, that is 100 per cent on him. He did this. The consequences are his fault.

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