Can you get over an emotional affair? If so, how?

[OhFucko]

H had an emotional affair last year. I strongly suspect it went further, but not all the way. He denies anything except lots of talking and a cuddle when she was crying.

He is very contrite, devastated, only loves me blah blah fucking blah. She was a friend of mine. He promised he'd never contact her again. Yet the next week he was snapchatting her. Innocent stuff but just no fucking need.

He did a lot after that to try and make it up to me and we have limped on. I don't feel the same about him any more. I used to love him so much it hurt.

They work in the same industry and he still works with her on and off. He says this can't be helped without outing the situation to everyone we know, which is probably true.

2 weeks ago I went with him to an industry dinner and she was there. She looked at me and I just gave her the middle finger. Apparently she has asked him how I am and said how gutted she is as she hates to feel like someone hates her

At the dinner she waited till I walked away then went to speak to him. I saw because I'd left my phone on the table so turned back. They said she was just asking him something about work. I called her an arrogant selfish twat and told her to have enough class to fuck off out of my life. I wish I'd said more. He's had worse from me.

I just can't stand it all. He remains very sorry and keen to make things better but....meh. He's broken us and I hate him for it.

I won't leave because of the children.

Is there any way to make this better?

they look guilty and apologise.they take it.they are guilty.guilty guilty.otherwise any man or person even would be standing tall and not taking you accusing them.they would not lay down and would fight back.adimantly.strongly.
you cant live like this.your coming off with all the symtoms of the affair here hun and they aren't.that IS NOT ON.and you deserve to be free of that aching churning feeling it brings.waking up each day feeling sick.it being like a dark fog over everything you do.its not fair on you.
and it take real bravery but you have to sometimes just say no and then leave and then work on healing and moving on.becasue yo uwont be able to live like this.it will break you bit by bit and the longer it goes on the more of your trust and confidence and self you will lose.

It's exactly what my ExH did to me. They were a whole family friends of mine. He got far too close to the 18 year old daughter and they said it was normal "brother-sister" stuff, except he was 30.

I kicked him out after 8 years of marriage and with a 5 month old DS together. He kept wanting to come back. Stupidly I let him, when he says he wasn't going to contact her. He was lying. Just after Christmas, when DS was a year old, he admitted he'd also been online dating and had been seeing another woman for a few weeks. He told her he was separated. That was the final straw.

I'm glad I finally chucked him out for good. He made me miserable and was no help whatsoever with DS. He made things worse a lot of the time.

How old are your DC?

I feel for you, OP. Even ringing the OW you had no clear answers. Raging at either of them brings no results. She had NO answer as to why she chose to work again with your DH? And he says it's financial? Bollocks to that.

Time to show you mean business and lay a separation on the table. Show him you're serious, and won't be taken for a ride any longer.

this situation sounds awful for you op.

However i am
going to give my honest advice - you have 2 choices (from my point of view)
leave (the option i believe i would take)
stay and move on from it- now i'm not trying to down play the affair but unless you can both move past it you're just destroying the relationship and creating a toxic environment for the kids. it is his fault, he cheated, but if you both can't move on then it's over

you will be ok on your own, i'm a single mum and you deserve to be happy and secure in a relationship, if you won't feel secure again this just isn't worth it

It's completely destroyed my peace of mind. I'm angry, stressed, anxious, tense, all the time. He knows this

And in being prepared to do absolutely nothing about it, he's actually much worse than just a cheat - he's downright cruel

Beware of putting too much blame on the OW since she owes you nothing (and gives it in abundance). It's him you're married to and his responsibility - not hers - to put this right if indeed that's possible. She'll tell him about your call of course, so you might want to prepare for being blamed for being the - what was it? - "boring old wife" who doesn't understand him

If I might make a suggestion, would you consider seeing a solicitor? Not to serve divorce papers on him tomorrow (don't panic!! ) but just to find out where you'd stand if you decide to get out? After too long sent agonising I personally found it very liberating to know where I stood, at least financially, and it made a lot of things much clearer

Stop contacting the OW. You are embarassing yourself. Your issue is with your cheating husband.

AF she said the OW was a friend of hers who is now bleating about the OP not liking her anymore. Deserves some abuse I'd say, especially as she's still pursuing the husband.

Yes AF I think most women would contact in that situation.

You might not but no need to be sneery and patronising to me.

I had an emotional affair a decade ago. They're all-consuming and so very damaging. The only way to get over one is to sever contact. There are no shortcuts, you can't "be mates" shortly after an EA. I think it's possible after a one night stand but not after an EA.

My OM got a promotion and moved away, which was good in retrospect although I was sad at the time.

So...Your husband MUST terminate contact with this woman. He must make good on his promise to "do anything" to win back your trust and respect. If he doesn't, then it's clear he wants to have the two of you on the go, in which case you have to divorce him or suck it up.

Is it helping you to contact her ?

They are laughing at you, OF

Every word you say to either of them will be repeated and embellished. The best thing to do, IMO, is to jettison both of them from your life.

If its his business, he stops forming contracts with her instantly and yes, loses the 5k. 5k is not a lot of money and he deserves the loss for what he's done.

If he works for a company then he either grows some balls and explains the situation and goes complete no contact with her or he quits and finds work elsewhere.

Those would be my ultimatums depending on the situation or he will find the door locks changed with his shit on the ground when he gets home. No contact, no talking to each other, no 'innocent' questions about 'work', nothing. He either makes up for it and grovels for ages for forgiveness or he fucks off.

Op, please ignore the pp who criticised you for contacting OW. It's upto you to decide whether it's helping you. It would help me immensely to contact the bitch and give her a HUGE piece of my mind, if i was in your position. And if they laugh at you behind your back so be it. It won't have been the worse thing they have done behind your back.

I would have punched the bloody bitch when she approached your husband at the dinner. And she's so upset at being hated by you... where's a tiny violin when you need one? Poor love.

Op you sound so utterly bewildered, devastated and ground down by it all. And it doesn't helop that you feel OH is hiding details of his affair and the fact that he's not doing nearly enough to earn your trust again.

OP you have behaved with such grace throughout this miserable time despite your inner turmoil. I really feel for you. Sending you a huge hug and strength. Xx

Thank you

I'd do exactly the same as you and call the bitch, I think I would actually want to meet with her. As for your husband - give him an ultimatum - either he stops working with her or it's over.

I suppose you should ask him what your marriage is worth to him. It’s not worth being talked about. It’s not worth £5k- bloody hell I think I’d leave my wonderful husband tomorrow if he didn’t genuinely think our marriage was worth just about everything he had, £5k is pretty much saying I’d toss it away for a chocolate bar.
He needs to say she’s not working in his team.

I think you were very brave to contact the OW. It's what a lot of people would want to do if they had the guts. Why should give a flying fuck what she thinks of you.
She is still trying to see him and that is wrong. Ultimately it's your husband that you need to trust and he should take responsibility and cut all contact if he cares enough to keep you.

Hey OhFucko fucking rough situation.

I get why you’d want to contact the OW, and I’m sure it felt great to tell her to fuck off, but honestly all you are really doing is also involving her in your relationship.

Your H is doing quite enough of that all by himself.

If you want to hurt her make her irrelevant. Hopefully you’ll make H irrelevant too... that just might take longer.

I would absolutely not be entertaining any of this. Definitely ultimatum time. There is no way you can even begin to consider moving forwards whilst she is on the scene. It's her or you.

Good luck, I really do feel for you.

Spoke to him. He still vehemently denies any physical contact, not even a kiss. He's plausible, and I want to believe it.....but I just don't. I don't know how to make him tell the truth. He says 'what do you want me to do, lie and say all sorts happened!?' but I just really think that it did. A kiss at least.

He said he wouldn't work with her anymore, it was stupid and he didn't know what he was thinking. I told him to text her telling her she was no longer required and j would read the texts. He was reluctant and wanted to call instead. I was strongly insisting he texted, but he just called. She answered within one ring then the first thing he said was 'ohfucko is here. We're not working together anymore. Bye.'

I just think that was dodgy as fuck. He says he didn't text because he didn't want to start a long text conversation and have her keep replying. I think it's because he didn't want me to see the replies.

He is full of apology, loves me etc etc.

I'm just so sad.

oh dear this does sound awful for you op.and like hes not going out of his way to support you thoughts and fears.and if your paranoid and he is behaving with innocent intentions, your well within your rights to be after what hes done so he should be bending backwards right now to make you feel secure again.
what hes doing is dickish.
im sorry.
do you think this can be sorted.or will these circles keep going.
how do you think your mind can be settled over this.can it?

I told him to text her telling her she was no longer required and I would read the texts

So for obvious fear of what she'd text back he couldn't even do that one thing for you, but was quick to mention on the phone that you were there ... in other words "she's making me say it but the two of us can sort it later"

Sadly, you'll probably never get the truth out of him and he'll always have an excuse, no matter how dodgy, not to do something. What's missing is anything he is prepared to do and it's just not there, is it?

In a way it hardly matters what he does or says now; he knows your state of mind is being wrecked by this, but cares about nothing except himself. The question is whether you can live like that or if you'll get some legal advice, tell him to leave for now and then see what, if anything, he'll do to fight for you

Much wiser MNers than me often say that the only thing which motivates men like this is loss ... and they're right

You're soot on op, he didn't want you to read the texts.

Lying cunt.

He seems full of concern for my state of mind. He cried and I've never seen him cry either.
He is genuinely shitting himself that I'll leave and can't apologise enough.

But why why why didn't he just fucking text her!????

And when I looked on his phone he'd had 9 calls with her on Saturday, one of them 12 minutes long. He said most were work related and the 12 minute one was harmless friendly chat. When I challenged this he admitted it was silly and he wasn't thinking but has just been trying to be normal with her. He says he now accepts he should have just had nothing to do with her.

He can be a bit hard of thinking so all this COULD be plausible but I just can't shake the doubt. And I HAVE to know.

So obvious he didn't want you to read any text conversation between them. He has to make clear to her that there must never be any interaction between them again - no phone calls, no texts, he literally will not acknowledge her presence even if she's right in front of him. Have you had any counselling? It sounds like he needs an outsider to say "you did WHAT?!" to bring it home to him.