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Original poster

Am I wasting my young years being in a long term relationship?

58 replies

AnonGem · 15/06/2018 00:32

Hi, I am after some advice on what to do regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. It is pretty long so please bare with me.
I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 and I am now 19. When we first got together I was so happy to be with him as I craved being in a relationship. I was pretty promiscuous (and I don’t mean sexually, I enjoyed talking to a lot of guys) so settling down was so exciting for me. For about 2 years everything was great. We are literally each other’s world. And by this I mean we both have no friends or life outside of our relationship. I don’t mind as I love him so much, but I would by lying if I said for the last year I haven’t wanted to break up. I feel as though I hear stories about people my age having the wildest time and all I do is study, work and chill with him at home. I know the solution is easy, and that is to go out and have fun whilst still in a relationship with him. But it is not that simple. This year I have been ‘out’ three times. All of which have included him putting me on time limits and getting annoyed and upset when I do go out. I crave to just have fun like a single 19 year old, and not feel guilty if I have a chat with a boy or get drunk with my sister. I want to be able to pick and choose when to go out and not have consequences! I’ve tried breaking up with him, but every time I come running back because I love him so so so much. So, am I missing out? Have any of you been in my situation and can tell me what I should do? I feel like if we do eventually break up, I would have wasted my prime years doing nothing with him. But I’m too much of a coward to leave him.

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 15/06/2018 00:36

Yes, you're wasting your life. Not because you are young. But because you're in a relationship with a controlling sulky nasty fuckwit.

Allabitmuchisntit · 15/06/2018 00:45

Putting you on time limits and annoyed and upset when you go out?

Leave.

category12 · 15/06/2018 00:46

He's acting like he owns you. He does not.

It's really unhealthy to have no friends or life outside the relationship. It's not love, it's smothering. Hard to leave, but this isn't a normal relationship, it's become something else.

Original poster
AnonGem · 15/06/2018 00:50

I probably didn’t put that the best. By ‘putting me on limits’ I mean he’ll get upset if I say I’m staying out all night or he’ll prefer to pick me up from the club a bit earlier. And if I tell him I’m going out on the weekend he’ll be in a mood about it all week. He knows that I get really drunk so easily but I’ve done nothing to betray his trust in 4 years.

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 15/06/2018 00:51

Everyone here expected that's exactly what you meant.

That behaviour is extremely shitty. Its jealous, controlling and wrong. You should not be in a relationship with this person.

Original poster
AnonGem · 15/06/2018 00:59

To be perfectly honest, I understand why he doesn’t like me going out. If the shoe was on the other foot and he was going out, I would probably be a bit worried too. I feel as though I haven’t done the best job wording this thread. My main concern isn’t how he reacts to me going out clubbing, my main concern is if being in a serious relationship at a young age is the right decision. I’m sure there’s people on here who have/are in my situation and can give me a bit of guidance???

OP posts:
PrizeOik · 15/06/2018 01:05

If you were young and in a relationship where you both had a rich social life independent of each other and didn't "worry" about each other or mistrust each other, it would probably be an ok relationship to be in.

But you aren't. You're young and in a shit relationship, and too naive to accept that. It's extremely obvious. This will end in tears.

My ex was like this. I met him when I was 18. It was a complete disaster and I, too, at that early age would have argued he was perfectly reasonable to be that way.

I was wrong, just as you are wrong about your relationship. Get out now. He's controlling and will become more and more abusive over time.

pallisers · 15/06/2018 01:09

break up with him.

He sounds deeply insecure and immature but imo he doesn't have to be abusive or shitty or anything for you to do decide to break up. So maybe don't waste your time trying to decide if he meets some standard of abusiveness. That isn't how relationships work. You can split because it no longer works for you.

You weren't promiscuous. You were 15 and liked talking to boys. Then you played house for a bit with this guy. Now you are ready to try something else.

If you were my daughter I'd be upset at the idea of you settling down like darby and joan at the age of 15 - or even 19. You shouldn't be his whole life and he shouldn't be yours. Just say thanks it was great, it is over.

tabulahrasa · 15/06/2018 01:34

“My main concern isn’t how he reacts to me going out clubbing, my main concern is if being in a serious relationship at a young age is the right decision”

The two things aren’t separate though...

I’ve been with my DP since I was 16, it was the right decision because our relationship works, it wouldn’t have been if it didn’t.

Helmetbymidnight · 15/06/2018 06:53

We are literally each other’s world. And by this I mean we both have no friends or life outside of our relationship

How sad.

Move on, op, this sounds grim.

What are you afraid of if you break up with him?

AndWhat · 15/06/2018 06:59

Me and dh have been together almost 20 years since we were 17. We are each other’s best friend and still adore each other.
We have both had the respect and freedom to go out whenever/wherever we want too without any sulking or time limits.
Neither of us have ever considered breaking up with each other, however if you have been thinking it for a year I think that answers your question.

BigPinkBall · 15/06/2018 07:01

I was in a fairly serious relationship at the same age op and I felt scared to leave because as stupid as it sounds I was worried that he wouldn’t meet anyone else and I’d ruin his life if I left, once we finally split up I’d completely forgotten the “love” I’d felt for him within a couple of months and it felt so good to be free and do what I wanted.
I think it’s good to go a bit wild in your early 20s and meet new people and experience new things, who knows what you’re missing out on!

SoyDora · 15/06/2018 07:02

I was in a LTR from 16-24. However we still saw plenty of our friends, went out independently at weekends, went on holidays separately, I went away to uni (including living abroad) etc. We eventually split at 24 but I wouldn’t consider those years a waste as we were very happy together but still developed friendships/hobbies/interests etc apart from each other (and above all had lots of fun).
The issue isn’t your age, it’s the fact that you’re in a relationship that has excluded all other friendships and interests. I know you say that his behaviour isn’t the problem, but you’d be much happier in the relationship if he was happy and supportive of you going out with friends/family etc (as is normal in a relationship).

UrsulaPandress · 15/06/2018 07:05

If you have spent so long thinking about it then you need to move on.

Somersetter · 15/06/2018 07:07

You're not wasting your life being in a relationship at 19. But you are wasting your life not being allowed to see your friends or having any freedom. That is not a healthy relationship. He shouldn't be your whole world, he should be just part of it. You need to spend time apart as well as together, and also to socialise with your boyfriend some of the time - does he not meet your friends?

ravenmum · 15/06/2018 07:17

How old is he?

Quartz2208 · 15/06/2018 07:17

Yes you are, being in a relationship is should not be at the expense of everything else interests friends etc

borlottibeans · 15/06/2018 07:18

I moved in with my now husband at 19 and don't feel like I missed out BUT we had and have a healthy relationship where we have our own friends and interests and go out separately as well as together. I know you're not asking about whether your relationship is a good one but it's an important part of the answer.

You're not supposed to stop having a life just because you're seeing someone, especially if that person isn't making you happy.

FuckPants · 15/06/2018 07:18

You need to leave, it sounds very unhealthy.

ProseccoPoppy · 15/06/2018 07:20

It isn’t your age that would worry me (I have been with DH since I was 17, now 30 and happily married with DCs). What would concern me is the rather intense, exclusive, sound of your relationship and that it doesn’t sound like you are very happy. DH and I have always had friends - individual friends that one of us knows well and mutual friends and quite often our individual friends become mutual friends. To me that is a healthy thing. I went to university at 19 (DH visited a lot of weekends), we both used to go out a fair bit, neither put limits on the other (beyond having the mutual respect to not get trashed if we had plans the next day) and we don’t feel like we missed out. I think you might want to carefully consider if this is what you want.

TwoGinScentedTears · 15/06/2018 07:25

I met my dh when I was young. We helped each other to fly, to be better than we were alone. We didn't stifle each other or clip each others wings. And that's the difference, a healthy relationship is one that is good fun, that produces a great team, that allows the other person freedoms while providing an anchor too.

Don't be confused that this is about your age, it isn't. This is about being in an unhealthy relationship.

PsychedelicSheep · 15/06/2018 07:31

It really isn't ok to have no friends or life outside of your partner, whatever age you are.

What happened to your old friends? What's to stop you getting in touch with them and planning a catch up? Do you worry that your boyfriend won't like it and will have a go at you/sulk? Did he ever have friends?

You need friends in this life. Boyfriends come and go but you need good friends, it's very important for your mental health and happiness.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2018 07:33

You are in an abusive relationship and he is actively controlling you with the control also escalating.

He has made you dependent on him and vice-versa and that state is never healthy. You are likely also to be confusing love (his actions are certainly not loving ones) with codependency.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of examples were you shown?. Why did you initially crave being in a relationship at that time, was life at home really that bad?. You were targeted by this person because of your own low self worth and poor boundaries, all of which he has readily exploited. You are also mired in the sunken cost fallacy and as a result you are wasting your precious youth on this person, a bad investment is not going to suddenly come good.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something keeps you with this individual so what is it?.

Why are you too much of a coward to leave him?. That is a question you should be asking yourself also. Men like this take an awful long time, years even, to recover from and I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. It will help you as well establish better boundaries.

YerAuntFanny · 15/06/2018 07:38

DH and I have been together since we were 14.

Lots of people have told us over the past 17 years that we "should be out enjoying ourselves" or "don't want to be getting tied down so young" but what they say doesn't matter, we're happy with the situation and that's that so I definitely wouldn't say my youth was wasted!

BUT we have trust in each other and neither of us has stopped the other forming friendships or socialising. That is controlling and dangerous behaviour that never leads anywhere good.

Don't waste your life being isolated and manipulated.

TeachesOfPeaches · 15/06/2018 07:46

My mum and dad were together from the same age and dad left after 30 years and has now run away to another country to relive the youth he didn't have. You need to live your life and have different experiences. Otherwise you'll end up tied down with a child soon enough.