Am I wasting my young years being in a long term relationship?

[AnonGem]

Hi, I am after some advice on what to do regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. It is pretty long so please bare with me.
I have been with my boyfriend since I was 15 and I am now 19. When we first got together I was so happy to be with him as I craved being in a relationship. I was pretty promiscuous (and I don’t mean sexually, I enjoyed talking to a lot of guys) so settling down was so exciting for me. For about 2 years everything was great. We are literally each other’s world. And by this I mean we both have no friends or life outside of our relationship. I don’t mind as I love him so much, but I would by lying if I said for the last year I haven’t wanted to break up. I feel as though I hear stories about people my age having the wildest time and all I do is study, work and chill with him at home. I know the solution is easy, and that is to go out and have fun whilst still in a relationship with him. But it is not that simple. This year I have been ‘out’ three times. All of which have included him putting me on time limits and getting annoyed and upset when I do go out. I crave to just have fun like a single 19 year old, and not feel guilty if I have a chat with a boy or get drunk with my sister. I want to be able to pick and choose when to go out and not have consequences! I’ve tried breaking up with him, but every time I come running back because I love him so so so much. So, am I missing out? Have any of you been in my situation and can tell me what I should do? I feel like if we do eventually break up, I would have wasted my prime years doing nothing with him. But I’m too much of a coward to leave him.

OP, I agree with the others. It’s not your age that’s the problem, it’s the relationship itself.
I get that you want to deflect attention from the controlling behaviour, but that is the issue here- not your age.

I was in a similar relationship at the same age. We moved in together when I was 18. It didn’t last, but the controlling nature of the relationship has had some long term impacts on my psychological health.

You say that you would feel the same if it were the other way round and your bf was the one wanting to go out. That isn’t ok. We don’t own people when we’re in a relationship.

Feel like this is a very garbled response but hopefully makes some sense.

I know you'll have convinced yourself you've worded your posts all wrong and that you've unfairly made him sound worse than he is because you've only posted the bad stuff, right?

The thing is, unlike other traits such as if your boyfriend was a bit untidy or a bad cook or whatever, controlling behaviour cannot be balanced out by "good" stuff, it is wrong full stop.

My ex was like this, we met at 17 and 18, he soon isolated me from friends and family under the guise of caring for me sooooo much. It soon escalated to verbal and financial abuse but because my self esteem took a tumble I was brainwashed into thinking he genuinely knew best and that I wasn't capable without his help. Which was all bullshit of course. Plus we change a lot during our twenties as our brains are still developing and we gain more life experience, you both need to be in an absolutely solid healthy relationship to make it through those years together and still be happy with each other. Sadly it is evident you are co-dependant rather than genuinely in love and that niggling feeling won't go away. Please leave him, you are so young to be settling for an unhappy relationship.

You've had some good advice, OP.
I was in a similar situation and went away to university at 18, we broke up at the start of my second year when he started accusing me of fancying other men and trying to control what I did. The break up was horrible and he took it badly, but I had a good rest of my second year

I've been with my dh 25 yrs since I was 19..,, I come and go as I please..I don't have time limits I have plenty of friends I see whenever I want.always been like that..I would of left if it wasn't like that.

I know loads of people who are still with the person they were with very young. They all have their own lives and their own friends and always have. Do you go out together with other people or just as s couple? I think he's controlling you. He's not worried about you being out he thinks you'll find someone better. Which you should. Leave him!

I’d echo what most posters have already said. Leave him, he sounds controlling

I would echo PPs in saying that the issue isn't that you're in a long term relationship at a young age it's his behaviour.

You should still be able to go out and have fun even if you're in a relationship. His behaviour is controlling and very, very worrying. Bring in a bad mood because you want to go out and spend sometime away from him is a way for him to manipulate you. Eventually you will just not go out because it won't be worth the hassle.

'being each others world' isn't healthy either. I absolutely adore my husband with every fibre of my being but I still have friends and we socialise separately. I'm curious, if you only spend time with each other what do you talk about?

What would happen if you invited him along? Are these girls' night out? Why not have a wild time in a crowd? I know loads of people who met in their early teens and are still together in their fifties and they were all really wild. They socialised loads, had endless parties, travelled, raved etc. They just did it in big crowds of friends.
If he doesn't want to do all that then you're incompatible. You wnat fun and he wants the quiet life. It will be suffocating if you stay and suppress your need for fun.

I was where you are now. I thought it was all so perfect and he was just worried about me. It was exactly the same. The oh you can but I want to pick you up so I know you are safe. Also the sulks and the silent treatment. Just enough that he would snap out of it as I started to wake up and realise he was being a dick. Then I'd forget it as I'd get swamped with niceness again.

Everyone thought he was amazing and so good to me because he played a great game in public. Behind closed doors he told me I'd "be much healthier if I lost a few pounds" whilst he mainlined fast food and piled on weight himself. Not all the time but just odd comments here and there. Little suggestions for how I should live my life. The phrase if you love me featured heavily if I was resistant.

It took me a year to wake the fuck up and get out. When I finally did I realised I had nothing. No friends, no social life, nothing. I also realised that what I built on my own in that period following the relationship was worth a thousand of that shitty relationship.

You won't see it until you are free from it and you experience life, friendship and love again, the way it should be.

If you were my daughter, I would be very worried about you. Please leave, whilst you still have the strength, it will only get worse.
At best, it's codependency, but verging on abuse.

It's no wonder you're scared of leaving when your world has been shrunk down to you and him as a couple.

How old is he?

Being in a long term relationship when you are going isn't an issue.

Having a suffocating, controlling relationship is and issue.

Op I've been with my dp since I was 16, im 27 now, 28 this year.

I stayed with him because despite the fact that we were in a serious relationship we both still had lives independent of each other, went out and had fun, went on holiday with our (separate) friends, nights out, adventures etc. Because our relationship is built on love and trust not control and jealousy.

We don't go out on wild nights out anymore purely because we have a young child and it doesn't appeal anymore, we'd rather have a family day out with our little boy (though we do still go out occasionally, either with our friends or together if we can find someone to babysit)

I know it's hard but you can't stay with this tosser. He's a manipulative bully.

I've been with DH since I was 21 and now I'm 33. we have gorgeous DC and I do love my life however I wish I hadn't met him til a few years later. i have feelings of wanting to go and do my own thing, explore a bit and just feel i should've done it when single.
you need to live your life so don't feel suffocated and like you've missed out later in life.

i wouldnt have wanted to live like that at 19. I was in a LTR at that age but we were both going out loads, together and seperatly

I think he sounds both boring and controlling. What you think is love is likely fear of the unknown and dependence. You can do better. I dont think you should be in a controlling relationship ever, but its particularly sad at your age, which should be the best days of your life

I know the solution is easy

It is indeed very simple, say thanks but this isn't working for me and break up. Do it now.

getting annoyed and upset when I do go out.

This is the 100% reliable sign that it is not working for you. Simples.

I am very glad that you found Mumsnet and had the courage to post your story. There is a lot of wisdom and support available here, to help you see that you are in an unhealthy relationship. As a PP (previous poster) has said, at best its codependency, at worst it's abuse. Stay here, keep posting, see what people's reaction is to your story. It will help you grow strong and get away.

What is your housing situation, where are you living? How are you being supported?

I've been with my partner for 46 years; it's still a great relationship and I love him very much. But we have always had separate hobbies and interests, different circles of friends. Life would have been bloody boring if the last 46 years had been spent exclusively in each others' company. Well, it wouldn't because the relationship wouldn't have lasted.

Regardless of your age, you aren't happy and have tried to break up with him before. His behaviour doesn't seem extreme more immature teenager sort of mentality. I think that is more the problem with a long term relationship which starts when you are young teens, there is not as much room for growth and you are caught between wanting to do the serious relationship thing, whilst maybe being a little too young to understand the exact dynamics of that.

I dated a boy from we were 16 until maybe 20. I feel in love with someone else at that time and we broke up. 5 years later, having stayed in touch we came back together and are getting married this year. I think 20's is a time when we change, and if you are in a long term relationship you are just lucky if you change in a way that is still compatible with each other.

It's not normal to have no social life outside of a relationship, sure there are people that don't care for it but you do and that's where its not normal.

You are compromising yourself for your partner. I was you once but with an older man, he was happy staying at home and I was in the beginning but then I grew up and wanted to do normal social things.
Was treated to sulking, silent treatment, suspicion and sometimes outright stalking.
I hardly ever went out because of it and if I did it was spoiled by him anyway.

You aren't too young to be in a relationship op the fault is it isn't one that's equal.
Your partner doesn't have a say in what you do with your life.

Think of your future you are young and there are a hell of alot of yrs left to be staying at home with only one person to ever talk to especially if they don't go out themselves.

You can either make him see this is what you want to do without being punished for it or end the relationship.
While you come to your conclusion of whether to end the relationship or not just carry on as you are, go out and socialise and take up hobbies etc it will become clear in time when the rose tinted specs drop.

I've since went from being a severely isolated single mum to having developed great friendships, hobbies and travelled.
Ehichbi think is harder to do the later in life you get so I'm incredibly grateful for the life I now have.

Think about what might constitute the structure of your relationship.

Do you see a platform; a stable base of love and support from which both people can reach for their dreams and ambitions?

Or do you see a prison? A restrictive environment in which your every move is monitored, judged and criticised in return for some vague notion of 'protection' or 'security'?

If you're seeing the prison, it might mean that your relationship isn't doing much for you. In fact, it could be actively stopping you doing the things you want to do in your life. Whether that's going out with your sister, or thinking, 'to hell with it! I'm going to apply for that dream job in Australia!'

From your posts, you come across like a kind, articulate person. (You write well and with clarity, by the way. Nothing wrong with how you've worded anything.) You deserve to decide how you live your own life. And you have a lot to give - to the person who is worthy of that gift.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that there are only two settings - be in this relationship and never go out, or leave and have a wild time. There's so much middle ground. If you're not a wild person, you don't have to be - but that doesn't mean you have to stay in a partnership that isn't supporting you. Likewise, if you do stay in the relationship, it's not unreasonable to expect some control over your own life - including deciding that you want to go and have a laugh over some drinks with your sister, or, I don't know, meet new people by joining a mountaineering club or something.

I would imagine that it's very difficult to see any context, as you've been together since you were 15. So you don't have any adult experience of life outside this particular relationship. You have to imagine it, and that gives your brain licence to make up all sorts of terrible things that might happen. Also, you have limited context to be able to see when something isn't healthy. But your subconscious knows; otherwise, why would you have posted in the first place if you really thought everything was all beer and skittles?

I think posting on here is a good step, you should keep doing it. There's a community of people here who have been through situations similar to yours - and many much worse - who will lift you up and support you if that's what you need. (Although telling you what you want to hear isn't part of the deal! )

As a 48 year old woman, I can tell you that life flashes by so very fast.

This period of your life, should be about having fun and enjoying yourself, before any responsibilities come along. You should not be on any time limits or constraints by ANY partner. I rarely jump into relationships threads and say leave, but my lovely, you will look back with massive regrets if you stay with this person. It will not improve. You should be out with your mates, you should be enjoying your youth without any constraints at all.

My advice is to leave and don't look back.

OP I was engaged at 19, all through my Uni years. We split at 22 when I cheated on him - sounds so immature but I think I cheated as a way to force an end. We'd argue and I'd leave and I'd come back because I loved him so much and we'd make up and we'd be fine and we'd argue and I'd leave and so on.
When I cheated, I knew that was the absolute end and I wouldn't let myself go back from it.

I didn't waste all those years per se but the waste was that our relationship really want working and we kept it alive because neither ous is wanted to admit defeat.

I've also had relationships with the guy who didn't want me out late, wanted to know who I was talking to and why and why did i need to go out without him etc. THAT was a waste.

Notre I'm married, he doesn't mid I'd I want too go out drinking til 3 am with my male boss and work friends, if I just want a few hours away on my own for coffee, if I want too go away with the girls for a holiday. He trusts me and I trust him.

You need to cultivate other friendships

Posted to soon.
You need to cultivate other friendships, do tippy work or are you in college? Could you organise to meet up with them of a weekend? Take up a new hobby? Find something you like doing alone?

Ultimately if you can't both mature into a supportive and loving relationship you need to walk away and better now than 10 years down the line

Yep. Get out. If he's not the one you're going to be with forever and you're not even enjoying it, it's pointless.

If you're hanging on but you know it will end eventually then get out now. You will regret the time you wasted between knowing and it ending.

You need to ask adults in their 50s or more who started dating at 15 and married their sweetheart.

How many are still together?

Of those who are still together ask what were the most difficult moments?

After this ask yourself if you are prepared for these tough times.

My suspicion is that divorce rates are higher the younger you started dating.