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Original poster

OLD - Childrens disclosure UPDATE

65 replies

tabularasa35 · 14/06/2018 14:36

I felt a bit stupid after asking if it was a date - "wasnt it the first time?" he asked.

So... second date was good. He paid for dinner and walked me to the subway. We were a bit touchy this time and I felt there was a moment when he was going to kiss but got a bit nervous and chickened out (or I shyly turned a bit, dont know).

Then I asked him to stay a bit and asked if he knew I had kids and what he thought about it. His response was a bit odd - others personal lifes are not his business... he then checked my profile and admitted he didn't read it before.

He also brought up the exclusivity. Told me he only dates one person at a time and asked about me.

All was good and normal that night - texted a bit when we got home. But for the following two days he has been writing less and I feel a kind of disconexion. Yesterday was the first time he didn't send me a good night message. The deadline for his big project is in two days and he has been working really late so I assumed it was a good reason for less contact.

This morning I checked and he was online in OLD. Now I am confused. And honestly sad. I really like him Sad but I feel the kids put him off and he hasn't told me.

He had invited me to a hike this weekend (before kids conversation) and now I wonder if I should check I'd we are still on (no time was discussed) and/or write to him at all today or wait.

After a cheating XH I spent three years single (voluntarily). I am very picky and he is the one in 500 profiles I wrote to. I know it has been only 2 dates, but I have

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 14/06/2018 14:43

Personally I would sit tight.
If you haven't heard before the time you needed to for the hike you will know.
Don't make him spell it out if he wasn't ready for a gf with a dc.
You weren't ready for someone who isn't worth having at your table.
Been there remember??
I have a new dh (with my dc) , it will happen - likely when you least expect it to.
Flowers

Original poster
tabularasa35 · 14/06/2018 15:02

*but I have set my hopes on him
Pressed "post" too soon

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 14/06/2018 15:07

Never set your hopes on someone you've only met a few times. Unfortunately my experience of online dating means that sometimes people move on quickly, and it might not be anything to do with you really, they might just not want anything serious.

Hissy · 14/06/2018 16:21

I have set my hopes on him

Kindly... you're an idiot.

he is the one in 500 profiles I wrote to.
THIS ^ is where you are going wrong. Find out about people, talk to different people, you will lose nothing and gain experience. The OLD process is hard at times, but if you can look at it as a bit of an education, you will see that everyone you meet teaches you something about yourself, and about what you want and value in life and others.

You are interviewing for the best job in the world - that of your other half, you have to make sure that you get the right man for the job.

Original poster
tabularasa35 · 14/06/2018 18:02

Oh well, I am a single mom and have one free night per week, so I am selective. I don't think picky is the right word but I have my type and let's say it is very hard to find. This guy has the added bonus that we speak the same language (literally, we are expats and English is our second language), the common background also adds a lot of points.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 14/06/2018 18:07

Sorry he's turned out to be a twat.
Come over to the dating thread and you'll get great advice, especially on red flags.

Dating Thread 134 - 50 Swipes of Tinderwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3265836-Dating-Thread-134-50-Swipes-of-Tinder

Original poster
tabularasa35 · 14/06/2018 18:08

But I know you are right @Hissy. I agreed to date two acquaintances before. One of them was extremely pushy/needy and dropped him in less than a week. The other one got to 5th date, there was nothing wrong with the guy but he was clueless about the most basic geography and history and that is a deal breaker for me. So it is not that I fall in love with guys I have met twice. I like the needle in the haystack... so when I find it, I feel it.

OP posts:
Original poster
tabularasa35 · 14/06/2018 18:15

Thanks @LiteraryDevil1, I will join! I guess I need to develop a very thick skin Smile I really really hope he is just busy with work and he writes to meet this weekend. Not going to think anything about the OLD just yet. I was there myself checking on him Blush maybe he was doing the same or reading a message. He is an old fashioned guy, brainy and grounded. Doesn't look like a player but I dont know about honesty. Let's see. Haven't texted each other today, 1:15pm where we live. But he is not in whatsapp either so benefit of the doubt for now.

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 14/06/2018 18:21

One thing that I will say is what I say to everyone now: listen to your gut. Your gut is telling you something is off here and it's probably right.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 14/06/2018 18:35

Sorry he's turned out to be a twat

He hasn't really though has he? He should be honest if he doesn't want to date a woman with children but he may still be processing the information and deciding if it's for him.

The OP didn't mention it prior to the first date so obviously knew some men didn't want to date people with children.

I wouldn't date a man with children, nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
tabularasa35 · 14/06/2018 19:36

It was in my profile but he skipped that line. All the rest may be my own insecurities or it may be my gut. Is it too bad if I write a "are we still on for the weekend" message? That way I am telling him I want to plan my weekend and I also dont seat here with uncertainty?

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 14/06/2018 19:59

No no no! Don't chase him! He's backed off so just get on with your life and if he gets in touch then see if you still want to meet up but I'm sensing some desperation here and being flattered at the attention and excited at the shared history. Been there. Wish I'd listened to people warning me. Get chatting to others. This guy is not that into you after realising you have kids and you deserve better than that so best to just leave it now. Never chase. Dignity is all.

Beaverhausen · 14/06/2018 22:40

Ok with old you need to see it as a night out with company. Do not get your hopes and be very careful with what kind of vibes you might put out there as some guys will jump on it and take advantage. They are like hyenas.

Beaverhausen · 14/06/2018 22:45

Ugh bloody phone.

What I was trying to say is OP with OLD you are going to come across a lot of hyenas who will pounce on a woman who gives off the SM desperate for a man vibe. I am not insinuating that you are btw.

When you get asked out just see it as a night out meeting new friends. Let the man chase You, do not come across as over eager.

There is a book called the complete book of rules or the rules. Read it and take tips it will help you with OLD and finding a keeper.

Hissy · 14/06/2018 23:25

Sweetheart, he didn’t bother reading your profile, a lot of blokes don’t bother.

You’ve learned a lesson today, to keep things absolutely top level superficial until you’ve met them, don’t get carried away, listen to what they say and don’t say, pay attention to who they sho you they are.

Don’t even take them seriously until you’ve been seeing them at least 6m.

Dating should be fun - it often isn’t, but it’s what you aim for

I’d be wary of the dating thread tbh. Not the healthiest of places ime

Original poster
tabularasa35 · 15/06/2018 02:15

Everything you say makes sense but how does one not get invested?

I am old fashioned, only date one person at a time and I am completely disinterested in casual relationships. I can go years without liking anyone. My type is hard to find so I get excited. For instance, MrChicken: scientist, PhD, develops projects that are news worldwide. He is modest, serious, doesn't drink.

We have been texting daily for 4 weeks, met twice. Full Saturday and movie/dinner night. It was comfortable, same language, same culture).

I am not presumptuous, I dont know if we will end together but I guess what I am not ready for is ghosting?

By the way, he wrote to me around 8:30pm (we are 5h behind), said he had found a gym to do martial arts. Just regular conversation. I haven't replied yet. Kids bedtime:)

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 15/06/2018 02:52

I would ask about the weekend, ask what's happening. Keep it light,

Hissy · 15/06/2018 07:19

Exactly, keep it light. You have to train your brain. It takes practice

I was the same, I don’t play games, I’m not into casual or just a shag, I don’t juggle people and I’m honest.

Not everyone is like that, so you move on and keep going until you find someone who is like you.

Perhaps an introduction agent might be a better idea for you?

Hissy · 15/06/2018 07:55

What you need to understand is that this guy might be suitable, but he might not be.

The thing is YOU decided he was The One. You haven’t seen enough of him to decide. Everything is a hurdle to begin with, hurdles that he has to jump, boxes to tick.

Does he know how to treat you, is he polite, well presented, is there an attraction, is he accepting of your life? You can’t answer these questions without seeing him over time.

The guy you’re writing about was mostly YOUR impression of him, your hopes and dreams all wrapped up in a person.

He wouldn’t even know any of this.

So stick to facts, see how he acts in person (texting and calls are vastly irrelevant) remind yourself that anyone can pretend to be someone they are not... for a while, but not for ever, so hold your horses until you’ve seen more of who he is.

Hissy · 15/06/2018 07:57

The facts are that this is a guy you have met TWICE.

For a few hours total tops.

Focus on that.

You’re allowed to be hopeful, but don’t let things run away from you

donajimena · 15/06/2018 08:02

I'm sorry he seems to be cooling. When I did OLD I always mentioned my children if they asked about a date. No big announcements because like you it was in my profile. I'd just say I can do Friday as the children are with x.
It soon sorted the wheat from the chaff

Trills · 15/06/2018 08:04

This morning I checked and he was online in OLD

So were you. If you were checking, you were online.

Original poster
tabularasa35 · 15/06/2018 21:10

In person he is nice. He opens doors for me, walks me to the subway (not his way home), listens, makes eye contact and he has been very respectful, not been all hormonal iykwim. He checks that I get home safe, has been attentive when I was sick, said good morning and good night every day. He has offered to help me with a few things around my house and wanted to take me to his lab to show me his work. So in person and text he was good.

I feel it changed the day after the kids conversation. It would have been easier if he said he didn't know and it was a deal breaker but he said it wasn't...

Last night the conversation was the gym about karate, I asked for his belt color, he replied. I sent a video of my DS doing karate and that was it although he was in whatsapp until almost 4am.

Today was his big presentation/end of project and I asked how it went almost 3h ago. He has read it and been on whatsapp a few times since but hasn't replied.

On top of that I just received a court date from my XH. He is asking for custody of our DC!! So in some way that help turning my focus somewhere else.

Still I think I will send him a message (if he answers) saying "I know you are busy so I wanted to confirm if we are still on for this weekend". An answer should help. No answer would be shitty but definite.

OP posts:
Trills · 15/06/2018 21:17

he was in whatsapp until almost 4am

Again, if you could see that, it means you were too.

LiteraryDevil1 · 15/06/2018 21:32

It's been too much too soon with all the offers of help round the house and all the other stuff too. That one stuck out to me as all my dates if they've progressed to more than 2 dates have offered to help me decorate. It's a running joke now! He's been too full on, too attentive and now that he's cooled off it feels like a huge void. He's basically keeping you as an option now but seeing if someone better (in his view) comes along before your date. I'd cancel before he gets chance to because he's just playing you. Please don't send pictures or videos of your kids to people you barely know. You don't know where they will end up. I won't even entertain anyone on a dating site who has pictures of their kids on their profile. No respect for their kids privacy and makes me think they are using them as some kind of proof that they are a great guy because smiley, happy family photos say he's a great dad and therefore must have great qualities. I find it a total turn off.
This guy isn't for you. He's waving red flags over his head. Move on with your dignity intact.
Your residency issues need your attention first and foremost now. Let them distract you from this player. All the best with court though. Been there, not fun.