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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD - Childrens disclosure UPDATE

65 replies

tabularasa35 · 14/06/2018 14:36

I felt a bit stupid after asking if it was a date - "wasnt it the first time?" he asked.

So... second date was good. He paid for dinner and walked me to the subway. We were a bit touchy this time and I felt there was a moment when he was going to kiss but got a bit nervous and chickened out (or I shyly turned a bit, dont know).

Then I asked him to stay a bit and asked if he knew I had kids and what he thought about it. His response was a bit odd - others personal lifes are not his business... he then checked my profile and admitted he didn't read it before.

He also brought up the exclusivity. Told me he only dates one person at a time and asked about me.

All was good and normal that night - texted a bit when we got home. But for the following two days he has been writing less and I feel a kind of disconexion. Yesterday was the first time he didn't send me a good night message. The deadline for his big project is in two days and he has been working really late so I assumed it was a good reason for less contact.

This morning I checked and he was online in OLD. Now I am confused. And honestly sad. I really like him Sad but I feel the kids put him off and he hasn't told me.

He had invited me to a hike this weekend (before kids conversation) and now I wonder if I should check I'd we are still on (no time was discussed) and/or write to him at all today or wait.

After a cheating XH I spent three years single (voluntarily). I am very picky and he is the one in 500 profiles I wrote to. I know it has been only 2 dates, but I have

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 21:36

Why on earth would you send a video of your DS to someone you've met twice?
This is the problem with OLD. The pissing about texting and messaging makes you feel you have intimacy when actually you don't know anything about them.

Miladamermalada · 15/06/2018 21:38

You also sound like you're expecting something out of a film, re-read how you wrote the first paragraph. Life isn't like that. You are idealising him and the situation. ANYONE can open doors the first two times they meet you.
Don't let your head build up an idea of someone which isn't real. Meet more people, don't build your hopes on one then that way you won't be disappointed.

LiteraryDevil1 · 15/06/2018 22:57

Your boundaries are off. Mine were when I first started OLD because like pp have said, there's a false sense of intimacy with all the texts and calls and that initial rush of attention and attraction to what they are saying. Especially when you discover lots of things in common. It feels like fate if they also have experience of a place that no one else you know has, or has a niche taste in music or films just like you, or some other freaky connection that you've never experienced with anyone before. However you have to remember it is only what they are saying. You can't read body language or pick up on vibes as easily through texts or calls. Lots of texts and calls are very flattering as is chivalry in a world that has gone sexism mad. Attention like this is like a drug when you have been single for a while, especially if you were badly treated previously. These guys pick up on that whether consciously or subconsciously and they get off on being the one that you think is different to all the other guys. I might have said this already up thread but have a read of dating red flags and online dating and arm yourself with knowledge on how men can be on OLD. Just have a google. Eharmony and Elite fobdone good articles. Be careful OP, please be careful.

Original poster
tabularasa35 · 15/06/2018 23:49

@Miladamermalada my first paragraph was in response to how he is in person rather than text.

@Trills - I mentioned whatsapp since it is unusual for him. He went to bed before midnight always. Last 2-3 days he was online way past that time (and you can see last connected in the morning, I wasnt up at that time, but not that it matters).

What is very telling is no reply last night and no reply today despite been consistently on whatsapp.

I need to learn the rules. It is just so confusing. I started reading a book who tells more less the opposite. And this was my first OLD experience ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
tabularasa35 · 15/06/2018 23:50

I am walking with my DD with a bottle of wine in the backpack... going to a friend's :) Want to cry a little about the court stuff. Definitely outweightals the dating fiasco, so perfect timing Grin

OP posts:
Reaa · 16/06/2018 00:00

Could you just ask him outright if having DC has made him cool off inregards to your friendship/dating?

StayingAtTamaras · 16/06/2018 00:19

@Trills not true. OP could've opened WhatsApp at 11am and seen " last active at 4am ". Doesn't mean OP was awake at that time on WhatsApp too

Original poster
tabularasa35 · 16/06/2018 04:32
  • I know you are busy so I wanted to confirm if we are still on for the weekend?
  • Tomorrow rest.
(20 min later) Then I will think about it

😂😂😂 sorry but really!? He had the cheek to write that!?

Oh well, I will be waiting here to see what you decide 🙄

Do you think I should send some witty text now? Or do you have a good comeback if he decides he has nothing better to do on Sunday?

I would like to "win" this one in style Wink

OP posts:
Mokepon · 16/06/2018 04:48

In the nicest possible way I'd not be worrying about 'winning'.
I'd just message back saying 'I'll save you the trouble of thinking, I have made other plans'.
At date 3 and he's so interested? Fuck him and his massive ego off, realise you are worth more.

untilthatday · 16/06/2018 05:03

How bloody rude!!! Now you know you can get back to enjoying the smorgasbord. Please do not respond to that message!

FuckPants · 16/06/2018 05:54

I'd be telling him to fuck off.

Urbanbeetler · 16/06/2018 06:05

So disrespectful of him. But at least it answers your question - and helps you understand he’s simply not good enough for you to carry on dating.

Tabathatwitchett · 16/06/2018 06:18

I think you've gone way too much too soon with the whole sending videos of kids thing. Slow down a bit next time!

Vivasummer · 16/06/2018 06:20

Please say you are not going to see him again. Who does he think he is?!

Rawesome6 · 16/06/2018 06:36

Just say breezily "oh no matter, Ive been invited out to [lunch / beach] so I've accepted as our walk sounded unlikely from your text. Enjoy your weekend"

Then reply to no further texts!!

LadyWithLapdog · 16/06/2018 06:55

Argh. I'm annoyed on your behalf.

LiteraryDevil1 · 16/06/2018 08:53

I was told on here "when a man shows you who he is the first time, listen." A famous quote apparently but very true. Take heed of this and your gut to weed out all the twats.
I was totally swept away by my first OLD experience. You soon learn to read the signs that tell you they aren't worth your time.
I wouldn't have asked if the date was still on as he was telling you by his actions that it was unlikely. He's seeing if someone he thinks is better comes along before your date. I'd block and delete him in everything now. He doesn't need a response as he'll just read that as needy and potentially bitchy depending on what you say and think he's had a lucky escape. Take the high road on this with your dignity in tact.

Beaverhausen · 16/06/2018 09:05

OP stop being desperate you are embarrassing yourself.

Stop contact with this player and go and enjoy Sunday with your children who are more deserving of it.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 16/06/2018 09:37

Stop sending videos of your children to strangers.

Then maybe turn off the phone and old for a while and concentrate on the court case and children. You sound desperate for a relationship and rushing into one will be a disaster. Can't you just enjoy some time alone whilst everything settles from the break up etc and you have some actual stability. Take up a hobby etc.

Vivasummer · 16/06/2018 09:39

Well If you think your having children would put him off, the last thing he would want is a video of your son.

MissVanjie · 16/06/2018 09:43

I like the needle in the haystack... so when I find it, I feel it.

Unfortunately this wasn’t a needle, it was just a little prick. Move on

AgentJohnson · 16/06/2018 09:46

Move on because at best he’s keeping you as an option or at worst, he’s just too lazy to end it.

Some people see dates as a performance and are very good at projecting what the other wants to hear. Therefore, ticking boxes means nothing because it’s make believe.

Work through your disappointment but don’t waste too much time in trying to understand the player because that’s what he is.

Devilishpyjamas · 16/06/2018 09:54

Reply with Rawesome’s but without the ‘enjoy your weekend’. Just say you’ve accepted another offer. Beach sounds a good lie.

And y,y, do not send video of your kids.

It’s a learning curve OP. No doubt you’ll develop the necessary cynicism for OLD. Try and treat it as a game in the earthly stages.

Devilishpyjamas · 16/06/2018 09:54

Early not earthly!

Miladamermalada · 16/06/2018 09:54

Unfortunately this wasn’t a needle, it was just a little prick. Move on
Best response ever Grin Grin Grin