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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What have I done wrong??

65 replies

missnatalie1025 · 14/06/2018 09:02

Morning, I’ve never posted before but have lurked for years. I need some advice ..

So my partner text me yesterday at work to say he was at hospital and had been all morning. Has had tests and scans but he’s ok and with his Mum.
I rang him to see what was going on as it was the first I had heard and apparently at 9 that morning, he’d had a funny turn and his work had sent him straight to hospital in a car.
Obviously I was concerned but I was fuming if not been told. We had been texting each other on our journeys that morning and nothing had been mentioned.
We fell out later on in the day as I just can’t for the life of me understand why he didn’t phone his partner, why he didn’t instantly think of wanting me with him?
I’m also cross as his Mum didn’t think to tell me anything either 😳 I have spoken to a few people and they’ve all said in that situation, they’d call their partners first before anyone else.
This isn’t the first time he’s not ‘thought’ and I am constantly feeling like I’m having to prompt to think like an adult.
Anyway, so we had a big falling out and I told him I was done, I couldn’t bear to look at him and wanted him to leave.

So he text me yesterday mor OMG whilst I was at work to say he’d taken some clothes and was at his Mums.
I replied that it was for the best and he didn’t reply.

I text him last night to say my son was upset at bedtime and when he found out he wasn’t home and could we sit him down and talk to him together.
He text back hours later and agreed but is so cold and off with me.

I am so hurt. I don’t know why he is mad with me after what happened? I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong. Who wouldn’t have been upset at not being told?

Ive not heard from him since and I am struggling this morning. I’ve had to try and keep everything normal this morning and am on my way to work but it’s going to be a long hard day 😔 I am actually gutted.

Please, some advice?

OP posts:

LampShadeHeid · 14/06/2018 09:07

I think your reaction was a little ott. He perhaps didn’t want to worry you over something he thought wasn’t serious, or knew you were having a busy day and didn’t want to interrupt you until it was necessary.

With you effectively breaking up with him, when essentially he was in a fragile place after spending all day in hospital being worried about his own health, he maybe now thinks you are quite selfish and don’t care about him.

I’d apologise for your reaction and explain where your feelings were coming from, but the damage may have already been done.

MrsRolandRat · 14/06/2018 09:15

I also think your reaction was a little OTT too.

He was feeling unwell in hospital and made this all about you! Not really the actions of a caring partner.

If someone had finished with me after I'd been in hospital all day I'd be thinking I don't want a selfish person like this in my life.

Just to add I would also want my mum with me if I was in hospital. I'm a 39 year old woman and when I'm ill the only person I want is my mum.

I think you need to apologise and calmly explain you were hurt that he failed to tell you but maybe try and understand his point of view too.

sirmione16 · 14/06/2018 09:16

My OH would probably ring his mum over me for some things too. If I was at work and he needed support over a small thing, he'd go to her instead of (what he would see as) pestering me. I'm just thankful he has someone else to turn to with things, but will always keep me updated. I think you need to take a breath and go and talk to him face to face. From what I read I agree with the pp in how he may feel now about it all. Good luck.

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 14/06/2018 09:16

I think you overreacted. You were at work and he was probably worried and just called his mum. If I was going to hospital I would probably call my mum first, and he probably didn't want to worry you until he had all the facts.

You then broke up with him, he had had a stressful day, probably very worried, if you were my DP I wouldn't be talking to you? It seems to be you that's caused the argument and the break up so I'm not sure where the confusion is coming from?

gamerchick · 14/06/2018 09:21

Whilst it might have stung he may not have wanted to worry you and just wanted his mum. I'm told that even adults just want their mothers when they're feeling a bit scared.

Effectively you've dumped him for not prioritising you over anyone else when he was taken ill and used the emotional blackmail later on to get his attention. That's very self centered, is he even ok... You haven't said?

I'm sending there may be a bit of a backstory.

Theusual · 14/06/2018 09:22

I don’t think you should have dumped him on the same day he was in hospital. You could have discussed it and worked out what the issue was. If it’s part of a wider problem fair enough but I don’t think it was the right time.

Not sure why you both have to speak to your son together (assuming he is not his child?) if you have dumped him.

Tambien · 14/06/2018 09:22

It probably wouldn’t have said something in that day but I would have been really hurt too.
I mean if this wasn’t serious enough let you know he was unwell, what would be?
I would have expected H to ring me rather than his parents. He isnt a child and I am his next of kin afterall. And so should you. Are you not the person listed at the GP/NHS to contact in case of an accident?

I also suspect there is a background story and he has done other things before that have been hurtful or showing you are not that important to him.

Theusual · 14/06/2018 09:23

The op might not be his next of kin.

Tambien · 14/06/2018 09:23

I have to say I’m amazed at the number of adult men who are still behaving like children and need their mum first and foremost....

Tambien · 14/06/2018 09:25

Yes I appreciate that if they are not married, she will not legally be his next of kin.
But does it mean that she just doesn’t matter and you shouldnt expect him to behave as if? Even though they are living together, have a child together etc etc.

MyKingdomForBrie · 14/06/2018 09:26

Sorry but I think you’re a bit nuts. If I decided to call my mum for support and not worry my DH til later as he was at work I would not expect criticism for that decision let alone to be dumped!

He rings you from hospital while poorly and you’re ‘fuming’..

Think he’s doing the right thing being distant from you, your reaction is oddly selfish.

RatherBeRiding · 14/06/2018 09:31

You've thrown him out on the same day he's been in hospital for tests, told him it's over, you can't bear to look at him anymore - and he's taken you at your word and gone. And now you're upset?? Because, presumably, he's not begging to come back or sending you grovelling apologies for not telling you straight away that he'd been taken ill?

He DID tell you though, didn't he - just not straight away. He probably wanted to see what the hospital said, whether it was anything serious or not.

And nowhere in your post have I read any concern for the poor bloke being ill enough to be sent from work to hospital for tests. It's all about you feeling upset that he asked his mum and not you.

So to answer your question - what did you do wrong. A) had a hissy fit about not being told straight away rather than being concerned for him B) Threw him out on the back of this!

It's you who need to do the apologising.

adaline · 14/06/2018 09:33

I have to say I’m amazed at the number of adult men who are still behaving like children and need their mum first and foremost....

Lots of adult WOMEN want their mum when something's wrong as well. What's wrong with wanting support from the people (ie, your parents) who brought you into this world and raised you?

When I feel rubbish and tired, or upset, sometimes all I want is a hug from my mum. Because she's ALWAYS been there and she's the constant in my life. Of course I talk to my partner but sometimes the first instinct is to ring your mum/dad.

OP - I really don't think the day of him being in hospital was the right time to end the relationship. Lots of people don't think rationally if they're unwell, potentially scared (if he's having tests) or in pain. I completely understand you're hurt but I don't think you really dealt with it very well.

That being said, maybe this will be the kick up the bum he needs to focus on you a bit more. Although (as I said above) sometimes your instinct is "I want my mum", it's important as a grown up to think about your partner too.

HeddaGarbled · 14/06/2018 09:33

He's mad with you because you dumped him. What exactly do you want from him now? You've finished the relationship, so leave him alone.

adaline · 14/06/2018 09:34

Even though they are living together, have a child together etc etc.

It reads to me that the child is OP's, not the partners?

ShatnersWig · 14/06/2018 09:36

You sound about 16.

Tenshidarkangel · 14/06/2018 09:39

Wow....
I'd be more concerned about my DP health than who was with him and when he text me.
You dumped him, completely irrationally, and want he to beg you back basically and justify your dumping him.
He's probably exhausted and doesn't have the energy to deal with you.

Jinglebells99 · 14/06/2018 09:39

Wow, if you aren’t married, his mother is probably his next of kin. I think you have over reacted. Is he the father of your son? I’m sorry but you found like hard work. He was ill, probably worried about his health, and then dumped, just for not telling you first.

letsdolunch321 · 14/06/2018 09:45

Moving forward you have to ask yourself is it such a big deal he called his mum - I totally get why you were upset at him not calling you ( I would have been the sane had it been my exh) he did what he thought was best at that time. If all is good between you generally is it worth throwing it all away!?!

Firstly you need to contact him and ask how he is feeling? then make positive moves to have a good chat about the situation and moving on from the now situation.

Haffiana · 14/06/2018 09:45

Grow up. Really, just grow the fuck up.

FizzyGreenWater · 14/06/2018 09:45

I think that it's quite obvious that there is a backstory here, and I'm going to guess that it's along the lines of: manchild who runs to Mummy, puts Mummy first, but wants to play grownup when it suits - 'constantly having to prompt him to think like an adult'. If so, OP's siply come to the end of the road with that and this incident has crystallised it for her: something 'big' happens, and guess what, it's Mum who is not only the first port of call but she is excluded - both he and his mother simply don't think of OP as actually involved or significant in any way. She's not even told.

When you live with another adult in the same house as your child, I don't think you can operate positively with an attitude like that. You need the partner to see himself as, first and foremost, a member of your household - otherwise it is potentially so unsettling for the child. OP may well have had enough of the person in the 'dad' position in the 'family' having his foot half in and half out. Again, best to end it in that situation.

Or OP could be madly precious and OTT. In which case - she's still done the right thing! Best to walk away than carry on having acrimony with a guy who clearly isn't on the same page as you. Especially when you have a child.

BoobleMcB · 14/06/2018 09:46

I think you may have your answer OP. I agree with everyone else, you were hugely insensitive and made it about you.

He told you that he was ok, he probably didn't want to worry you and there's is certainly nothing wrong with him calling his mum. If I were him I'd be mega pissed at you

Cawfee · 14/06/2018 09:50

How old is he? If he’s in his twenties then it’s more understandable but if he’s 30s/40s then it’s a bit weird him ringing his Mum 1st especially if you live together. That said, you are obviously not compatible together. You want somebody who thinks of you 1st, acts mature and isn’t running to his mummy in a crisis. Some women don’t need that. You do. Be true to how you feel and what you need to be happy. Not every relationship has to be shoe horned into working. He’s acted in a way that makes you feel uneasy. Listen to that feeling. It’s called your gut and it means your relationship isn’t right. He’s gone now. Stick with it. Don’t let enotional needy feelings get the better of sound judgement. Let him stay gone. Stop contacting him. Calling him about your son is OTT here. Your son will get over it. Stop stoking it up. Try and be normal and practical now and out the phone away in a cupboard if you need to. If you still feel like you miss him in 6 months time then it’s different but at least give yourself a few weeks space to work out your real feelings here

LiteraryDevil1 · 14/06/2018 09:51

I imagine there's a huge back story here too. This was probably the last thing in a long list of problems with her DP.

ragingmentalist · 14/06/2018 09:54

Anyway, so we had a big falling out and I told him I was done, I couldn’t bear to look at him and wanted him to leave.

Read this bit back to yourself, slowly, in the context of he was admitted to hospital..

I am so hurt. I don’t know why he is mad with me after what happened?

Then read this bit. If you can't understand, then you are an idiot.

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