Friend turned nasty before wedding - advice needed!

[Charliepeace83]

One of my friends, 4 months before her wedding in Spain has turned on me and another good friend. We have been left emotional wrecks.

We’ve been good friends to her for 15 years and have scrapped her off the floor when her fiancé and her have argued (they break up every 6 months, she wanted a pre-nup and they only got engaged after she wouldn't let him in the house).

My friend and I are both laidback and kind. We’ve avoided any confrontation. The bride has continued to send manipulative aggressive, abusive messages one after the other (even though she told me not to contact her again which I respected) and to my work address! – the messages she sends are so angry but contain no facts or actual issues with my friend or I. My friend naively sent her a nice message saying she respected her and hoped she was ok - the response was more abuse.

My questions are:

• Has anyone experienced this from a ‘friend’ getting married?

• Do you think it's because she is unhappy?

- Have you ever decided to not attend a wedding due to this?

• What did you do? if anything!

Thanks :)

She sounds unhinged! Who needs 'friends' like this in their lives? Drop her like a stone and don't go to the wedding. You'd be a mug to try to continue a relationship with someone who treats you this way. Surprised she has any friends at all if she keeps up this behaviour.

She'll throw things around and be aggressive. She's very much caught up in herself (for example when my nan was found on the kitchen floor collapsed I messaged her and she completely ignored the content of my message to talk about herself and work, i was quite hurt as I just wanted a bit of support)

Look, that just isn't a normal, considerate way to behave, is it? Whatever you do will be wrong in her eyes. You are not legally obliged to be forever linked to everyone you ever considered to be a"friend".

Decline the invite, block and move on. She is making YOU stressed and that is ridiculous, she doesn't deserve you head-space.

Perhaps she has feelings for your dh? Not to alarm you? But could explain her behaviour

Dear bitch bride,
Your over reaction to my not attending your hen party and subsequent vile abuse has made it clear we are no longer friends.
Please refrain from contacting me again.

She has always had major issues at work and with her work colleagues and boss, always in serious fights at work. Being her friend I put it down to her being a hot-head and perfectionist. Other people have commented on her strange/unhinged behaviour before now! She's also has an appalling , toxic relationship with her fiance

She has always been a cow but its just that you have never been on the receiving end of it before! I would def just send the usual, bog standard formal reply “OP thanks Mr & Mrs Brides-Parents for their kind invitation to...blah blah....but regrets that she will be unable to attend”. Let the other friend who has been in the firing line (why btw? Could she also not go to the hen?) that you are not going - might give her the courage to decline also. Let the others in the group know what has been going on otherwise she will bad-mouth you all round. Then put your hard hat on!!

In your note to her (yes you must send one so she cannot bitch later one that you did not bother to reply), say that "As your behaviour to me has got worse with you sending me very unpleasant aggressive messages, I can only assume I am not welcome at your wedding and/or this is your way of weeding people out/getting the numbers down. I wish you a lot of luck for the future". Then block her. Never message , speak to her again. 'Friends' like these are exhausting and drain you dry.

:)

All great advice. I am starting to feel less stressed. It's amazing how one person can impact on your personal head space and mental well-being because of their horrible behavior.
I feel so much better - thank you ladies.

I don't think she'll have a happy marriage and she can't be very happy.

My best friend as asked to be matron of honour. we were paying for the wedding ourselves and we were on a strict budget so we couldn't afford the best of everything and economised on certain areas so we could splash out a bit on others.

From the day I asked her she was a total nightmare. she demanded a £250 dress. I had bought the dresses from china and all the bridesmaid were really happy with them. she called it cheap and demanded my dressmaker alter her dress and add boning. I suggested she take it to a dress maker of her choice. she refused to try on the dress properly and I only saw her in it for the first time on the day. I asked the girls to just get shoes of there liking and I asked that they had toes in them and that was all . they had free range. she demanded wedding shoes like mine and asked if I was going to pay for them. she got them in the sale and I put £20 towards them. She then demanded her own make up artist cause she only used MAC products and her own hairstylist which she wanted me to pay for. She demanded that we pay for a double room for her at the hotel and that she could bring a date. she bought someone she had only just met and no one knew him and she wanted him on the top table. My mum went to see her and had a word and basically said if you want all this you pay for it but if you don't and don't want the things that I wanted and could afford then she suggested that someone else be matron of honour and she be just a guest. she calmed down then but did not go back to normal till after the wedding. sounds like your having the same issue

Maybe some people lose their s**t before their wedding.
I have now worded a very short email to the bride. I was shaking just writing it (and I haven't even sent it!). I said it would be best after her communication that I don't attend her wedding and that this will now allow her to invite a friend and someone she wants there instead.
I have wished her well for the future (lol).

Just gotta get the courage to send it! Am dreading the backlash so once I send it maybe I should block her from everything especially my work email.

@Charliepeace83

So i'd only be attending to ensure I don't get bullied after the wedding.

She'd bully you at the actual wedding and afterwards anyway if you did go so you might as well save yourself the hassle (and money)

If you are in any doubt that this is, that sending an email to a supposed friend is making you feel this way, should be enough to convince you this is the right thing to do!

Send it and block, and use the cash you would have spent on a gift, dress etc. for the wedding on a good night out with your real friends :)

I'd just send
'In the circumstances I feel it best that I withdraw from the wedding invite. Have a pleasant trip'

Block and ignore

Is there a reason you're not blocking her?

The email sounds fine but this bit is more 'emotional ping pong' between the two of you ' that this will now allow her to invite a friend and someone she wants there instead'. This last bit is a bit...boo hoo hoo, snivel, you don't want me there anyway and I want you to know how hurt I am..
If you want to deal with this person, you need to leave all your own emotions out of it. You will get backlash anyway, but you will more backlash by talking about your own emotions as that's a red rag to them.
No matter what you do she'll bully you, and she'll hold a grudge. these people get worse as they get older. And they don't 'learn their lesson' from people pointing out their faults/their abuse to them.
If you go to the wedding, she will hug you and treat you like normal to your face, then a few weeks later you will get another bombshell email accusing you of ruining her wedding by turning up and 'laughing at me' with her friends or some other crazy bullshit...

Keep the email as factual as possible. That you want no further contact and will not be attending the wedding. Add that any attempts for her to contact you will be blocked and any communication s ignored. You don't need people like that in your life

I had a similar situation to this; a best friend arranged a v v v expensive hen do, which financially I just couldn't attend. I still paid my portion of the accommodation so other people weren't out of pocket but she never forgave me for it. I invited her to a spa day as my treat and she totally turned her nose up at it. I was then excluded from a couple of friends and family 'hen' type meals prior to the wedding.

Our friendship never recovered as she was just so angry: I explained I couldn't just magic money out of thin air! It was for the best in the end. Weddings do tend to turn some women totally crazy. (Not being sexist; name me one groom-zilla!)

Great advice and yes I totally see the back and forth emotional emails so factual it is :)
Winegal.... Sorry to hear that. Sounds very similar. I can't respect or trust this person so our friendship is definitely over.
Facts and then block.
Looking back I can't believe how much I've put up with.

It's sometimes for the best I think; I think of it as a positive thing now, I got to see her true colours and it wasn't nice. I just thought, do I want such an unkind spiteful person in my life, no!

Onwards and upwards OP, as upsetting as it is at the time it sounds like you're well shot of her!

And second a pp suggestion of using the money to treat yourself to a lovely day/night with great friends instead!

send it!

there is no way your friendship can recover from this. she's behaved appallingly.

Big girls pants op.
PRESS SEND!

Did you send the decline OP? Have you heard from her again?

Have not sent it yet...that's how scared I am!

It's better to do it sooner rather than later I suppose

Yup. Rip that band-aid off!! Also, if you are going to decline something it is always better/easier for your hosts the earlier you do it (not that she deserves such consideration but the view is nice from the moral high ground!)