Friend turned nasty before wedding - advice needed!

[Charliepeace83]

One of my friends, 4 months before her wedding in Spain has turned on me and another good friend. We have been left emotional wrecks.

We’ve been good friends to her for 15 years and have scrapped her off the floor when her fiancé and her have argued (they break up every 6 months, she wanted a pre-nup and they only got engaged after she wouldn't let him in the house).

My friend and I are both laidback and kind. We’ve avoided any confrontation. The bride has continued to send manipulative aggressive, abusive messages one after the other (even though she told me not to contact her again which I respected) and to my work address! – the messages she sends are so angry but contain no facts or actual issues with my friend or I. My friend naively sent her a nice message saying she respected her and hoped she was ok - the response was more abuse.

My questions are:

• Has anyone experienced this from a ‘friend’ getting married?

• Do you think it's because she is unhappy?

- Have you ever decided to not attend a wedding due to this?

• What did you do? if anything!

Thanks :)

When you've had the abuse I have had you'd call her a bitch!

Nor calling her unhinged...

I cent believe you're still considering going to this wedding.

I have been in a toxic friendship- it was almost like a bad boyfriend. We'd some great laughs then have a row (usually she'd find something to fall out with me over), not talk to each other for a few weeks or months, then start remembering the good times. One of us would cave and text the other and the cycle began again. Then one time she did something so transparent and manipulative I cut ties with her altogether. That was around four years ago and I've never regretted it. You need to break the cycle.

I think you need to examine what you get out of this friendship. It reads like you like being needed by your "friend" when shit hits the fan. Tbh you'd be a mug to go and support her at her wedding. If anyone asks why you didn't go explain why and offer to show them the messages!

Calling her bitch isn't nice

I take it you shrug off abuse then? Because I'd be calling her a lot worse than that.... Right before I told her to fuck off out my life.

gamerchick Nice.

Op
I think you need to say why you didn't go to the hen do, why she didn't know you weren't going, why you are calling her an unhinged bitch and perhaps it will be easier to see where you are coming from.

I 'ruined' her hen do by letting her know I couldn't go and the only other option was to camp. And that's how it kicked off... I'd ruined the whole surprise of her hen do ie camping (which it wasn't!).

I was all booked to be there but the girls organising it only booked it 2 weeks beforehand before they got the final numbers and there were no beds left. They basically didn't want us there to take up beds. I only found out I wasn't included 10 days before the hen do. My other friends who went felt a bit bullied by these girls but loads of us were excluded.
I was really conscious not to blame anyone and even suggested we take the bride out for dinner. I don't think her response was fair or normal.
That's the backstory.

gamerchick I wish you were my friend! She'd be running scared :D

Problem is everyone has allowed her to be nasty for too long

No it is normal or acceptable. I would ditch her and the wedding.

gamerchick confused Nice

Definitely not when it comes to bullies. You're right there

OP you really don't have to do to the wedding. Why put yourself through that?

I would save yourself the strain and expense by not going. She's clearly going to be a bitch whether or not you go. If you go, she'll disinvite you or ignore you on the day. If you don't go, she may have a good bitch about you, but so what? Fuck her. Her circus. Her monkeys.

I had a friend that turned into a demanding spoilt brat.
Completely ungrateful for any of the arrangements and gifts she received on her extravagant hen do.
I distanced myself and rarely see her now.
Can’t be doing with people like that.

Thanks ladies! Your messages have made me feel better and a bit stronger :D
I've had moments where i've been in tears and lost sleep but the point is I don't want her as a friend anyway!

Do I tell her I won't be attending?

It seems the stress of a wedding can make some women show their true colours

I would say you have been very angry and abusive the last few Times I have spoken to you.
I don’t think it’s right I attend your wedding, but wish you all the best.

Yes, you have to tell her you aren't going. It can hardly come as a surprise to her.

Email or message. Short and sweet, Thank her for the invitation, but no thanks.

When you email about not going to the wedding keep it short and sweet - don't bring up previous behaviour or anything else, it will just inflame it.

I actually wouldn't tell her, for a number of reasons-

• it'll open up the chance for her to abuse you further;
• she doesn't deserve an excuse or explanation as to why you won't be attending;
• surely after all the shit that's gone down she seriously doesn't expect you to still go?

If she does give off about the lack of RSVP or attendance I would go back and say "after the tone of our last exchange I had assumed neither of us wished that I attend or indeed to continue this relationship. Please stop contacting me."

I think the wedding bit is irrelevant, your friend was nasty and abusive. De-friend on social media and cut all ties

I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of knowing if I was going or not. Let her work it out for herself

She’s not worth your time or tears tbh

It's not fair to "not turn up". Let her know beforehand, call out her behaviour if rob feel so inclined but dump the friendship. She is not and has not acted as a friend.

I would tell her because it is polite to tell someone when you are turning down the invite to their wedding. Good manners say that you don't just not turn up. Keep it brief and then block for a while to avoid the abuse you will get in return.

She sounds like my sister. Toxic!
Send her a link to this thread. Hopefully she will realise that she's being an unreasonable twat.

Block

Tell her youre not going.Tell her to stop contacting you.And then block her.
Would she turn up to abuse you.Are you afraid of that.And if you where hold on ro them messages and emails.

Thanks for all the opinions.

It's the not knowing - not knowing what I've done to deserve this treatment , why she has a grudge, the abuse. I sadly think the not knowing is part of the bullying. A true friend would at least tell me why they're angry. They wouldn't want their friend to feel this way.

It's only now, with hindsight, do i question our friendship. If she's in a mood then you know about it. She'll throw things around and be aggressive. She's very much caught up in herself (for example when my nan was found on the kitchen floor collapsed I messaged her and she completely ignored the content of my message to talk about herself and work, i was quite hurt as I just wanted a bit of support). Anyway I'm going off on a tangent. I'm just dwelling.

I think she is used to this behaviour with her fiance; No wonder they are in constant turmoil! I suppose she's saving the arguments with him until after wedded bliss so someone else has to be the verbal punchbag.

Oh well....unbelievable how some women in their 30s/40s behave, like brats!