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Original poster

We are off on romantic hol. Suddenly declares no marriage...

87 replies

forthispurposeonly · 13/06/2018 15:54

So been with man 15 months. We've talked a lot about marriage even down to where and who to invite!! A few months back I sent him a little quote about marriage and he wrote back "sooner than you think" !! He even asked ring size...

We are off to a very romantic location sans children in less than two weeks.

Bizarrely over the last few days he's announced how he doesn't want to get married any time soon!!!! But "never say never". He basically cant stop telling me how he DOESNT want to get married...

Wtaf.... I was full on hoping this was going to be proposal potential!!!

I'm going to try my best to forget about it and enjoy the lovely holiday but must admit to feeling deflated...

OP posts:
SendYouUpinFlames · 13/06/2018 16:17

First thought when reason was he is trying to throw you off track.

To think he doesn't want to get married and be isn't going to propose.

I think he's going to propose!

I hope I'm right Grin

Tack · 13/06/2018 16:19

Enjoy the lovely trip OP

He does clearly still want marriage and potentially either

  1. he is just not wanting you to expect a proposal on this trip because he isn't planning on it and really doesn't want you to be disappointed because he cares for you, or

  2. he is going to propose on this trip and doesn't want you to catch on

bigchris · 13/06/2018 16:22

Sounds like a friends episode

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/06/2018 16:29

Whatever happens I hope you have a wonderful holiday, sounds like you deserve it.But if it was me, I'd have to have a "chat" about his mixed signals after returning.

melonscoffer · 13/06/2018 16:30

Doesn't matter how long you have been together, if the marriage talk is your norm then his change of attitude is not nice.
He has totally changed his stance on marriage discussions.
Cosy chats about marriage and agreeing you two are on the same page regarding marriage was the norm, so you are now put out by his change of opinion.
You have even made up a guest list for when it happens, then it suddenly changes.
I would be very upset.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/06/2018 16:32

Either he's trying to put yo uoff the scent. Or he's done a massive u-turn

Either way it's a dick move

MixedMetaphors · 13/06/2018 16:33

what melon said.

i wouldnt find it romantic or amusing for people to be saying they've changed their minds ...

SoapOnARoap · 13/06/2018 16:36

I agree with @MrsJayy

He’s coming out of the lust bubble people have at the start of a relationship is probably crapping himself at how quickly it’s moved & what he’s already said.
He’s an idiot for saying all that but, listen to what he’s saying. He doesn’t want to get married.

What you do is your call but, to end it after 15 months for that reason would be weird

MaiaRindell · 13/06/2018 16:38

I had an ex like this. He talked about marriage, children, bought a four bedroom house and asked me to move in just five months after we met. I said it was a bit soon. Then on Christmas Eve, after knowing him for 7 months, he dumped me without warning.

To be fair, he was a dick and I was love-bombed, so I should have seen the signs.

newbohemian · 13/06/2018 16:39

We so need to know how this pans out...!

FizzyGreenWater · 13/06/2018 16:41

Go on the holiday wearing a new ring on your engagement finger and when he asks what's going on say he got you so wound up with all the marriage talk then left you hanging that you couldn't take the shock, went a bit nuts and got engaged to someone you met down the shop. When he says WHAT! and asks his name in a fury just say 'i don't know'.

CadyHeron · 13/06/2018 16:42

Ah Chandler Bing did this - "Look at pigs, let's just take a second here and look at pigs"... Whatever you do don't go and run off to your gorgeous mostached ex and tell him all about it... Go enjoy you holiday!

Damn, beaten to it, instantly thought of Friends too Grin

snewname · 13/06/2018 16:43

He said "categorically yes. But not imminently"

People have been bending his ear and teasing him that you'll expect a proposal. He wants to at some point but he's telling you it won't be now to avoid you getting your hopes up.

mumof2sarah · 13/06/2018 16:45

I'm thinking he could be trying to throw you off for when he does do it. It might not be this weekend (which is why he's saying it now so you don't build your hopes up) but that it's coming. I say just enjoy your weekend child free and let us know how it goes OP x

CristalTipps · 13/06/2018 16:59

A few months back in the car his son asked if we are going to get married. He said "categorically yes. But not imminently"

He sounds like a bit of a tool.

And I hope it had already been established by that point that you want to marry him, not just him making decisions about your life on your behalf?

swingofthings · 13/06/2018 17:04

Could he have mentioned his intentions to friends/family and they've told him what most have said here and that it is much too soon, and he's decided that he needed to listen to them and be sensible?

15 months when there are children from both sides is quite risky. How many children and how old? How long have you lived together? Any issues with the children or is everything going perfectly well?

torthecatlady · 13/06/2018 17:04

My (now) dh tried to throw me off the scent.

We had an argument shortly before leaving (about getting married), for a short break away in London. He even said "Even if I were going to propose, I'm definitely not going to now".

He had been planning on proposing and already secretly had a ring. All of our friends knew, except for me. Hmm

I hate surprises! Grin

I hope you still have a lovely holiday, just relax and enjoy the child-free time!

AcrossthePond55 · 13/06/2018 17:50

Try to put a proposal out of your mind and just enjoy your holiday.

15 months really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. But IF you are reaching a point in your own life plans where you feel it's time for you to only want to be involved with someone who also has marriage as a goal, then you do need to talk to your DP about how he sees his personal 'marriage timeline' or if, indeed, he feels that marriage is even in the cards.

I really hate the scenario where a woman just quietly waits for the man to 'pop the question'. And I equally hate the scenario where a man keeps a woman in a relationship by hinting that marriage will happen 'at some point' when he knows that it's not going to happen at all.

StormTreader · 13/06/2018 18:02

"He said "categorically yes. But not imminently""

He's aware that you're not necessarily a 100% done deal, waiting around for tragic years for just his blessing to finally be bestowed, right? Might not hurt to start giving a bit more of an air of "if you want it then you should have put a ring on it"...

Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 13/06/2018 18:10

So we had talked about buying a bigger house together. We saw one last week we like (online). Agent rang back to see if we wanted to view. He asked if we should. I played cool and said well... we categorically will buy a big house. But not imminently. Never say never though!

To note - I'm main breadwinner by far.

He stared at me and laughed nervously Grin I'm not going to say anything else and enjoy our hol :)

And yes I'll report back!

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 13/06/2018 18:16

You are a complete star OP.

Racecardriver · 13/06/2018 18:20

Place marking in case he actually proposes. E joy your trip though. Child free! What a dream!

Scribblegirl · 13/06/2018 18:25

Op you’re fantastic!

Another here whose boyfriend tried to throw her off the scent and then acted weird as fuck for a few days. That was 18 months ago, the weddings 7.5 weeks away Grin

AcrossthePond55 · 13/06/2018 18:25

Ooooh, good one!

If currently own your own house and you're the main breadwinner by far (and I hate to sound so mercenary) is it really to your advantage to marry him? Are you thinking of having more children?

DH and I have been married for 30+ years, our kids are all grown. I can tell you honestly that if I should become single I will NEVER marry again. I will have my home and my own income/money and I don't see any reason to risk that someone could become entitled to some of it. Even though pre-nups are legally air tight here, I still would never take the risk. I probably wouldn't live with anyone either as I like my space and don't need anyone messing about with my home.

Just be sure you actually understand all the ramifications of marriage vis a vis your income and home ownership. You could lose a great deal if the marriage doesn't work out.

MixedMetaphors · 13/06/2018 18:39

you need to protect your children financially make sure you do that first legally with proper legal advice - when you marry someone they become next-of-kin and take priority financially should anything happen to you! what across the pond says.