I don't want to be a SAHM but I am being forced to

[MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup]

So at the moment everything is working out fine. I work, my DH works and our shift pattern works so that we both can look after our DS. He has now been accepted for a new job, which means that he has to change his days and it means that I have to change mine because he's the main earner! He will be earning far more money than I will.

The problem is, my contract states that I have to work every alternate weekends and because my DH also has to work every weekends in his new job, I am basically buggered! He said if work can not adjust it then I don't have any option but to stay at home then. I really don't want to be a SAHM! I love my DS to bits but I'd rather work and just be a "normal" working mum and I really enjoy going to work and interacting with my colleagues! It's the only adult conversation I get all week.

Do you think he is being selfish for putting me in this position?! I am worried about what work will say because I know that they will not allow me to have weekends off, and childcare is extortionate as well so having to fork out for that while I work, there will be no point! My DS is only 1 so not entitled to the free government funding yet.

I don't know why I feel really worried... I sound like a selfish person for not wanting to stay at home with my DS but as I explained, I really enjoy going to work. It gets me out of the house and enables me to earn money too as I like to earn my own money!

Hmm I suspect anyone who doesn't consult their other half on such a significant change may not be so inclined to understand the concept of family money... and I'm wondering if childcare 'comes out of' the OPs money?

Prepared to be wrong on this and I hope I am.

I think he is BU if he didn't discuss it with you. In terms of money remember that just because he earns more doesn't mean that you will be saving money in the long term remember you giving up work taking a carear gap will mean you will loose alot more than just your salary as you will miss out on promotions oppertunites etc. If I was in your situation I would arrange childcare as remember it is a cost but not forever and if you love your job then it is worth it. I am in a similar position I could be a SAHM but I have chosen to go back to work and it makes me a better mum and partner.

Don't back down.

I did and I really regretted it and resented it. When he had all the money he had all the power and he did abuse it and I was furious. He was furious that I wasn't grateful and annoyed that I challenged him when he wanted everything to suit himself. He acted like he was a demi God whose status as sole earner had to be revered, respected and pandered to.

Anyway, don't back down.

He should have consulted with you

Exactly.

The alternative is to get paid childcare.

He’s basically accepted a job that means that you have to quit yours without you agreeing to it? Totally unacceptable.

If he refused the promotion he might never be offered again. "Unreliable, unambitious, not leader material, doesn't need the money" is what his employers will think. It could be the end of his career and at the end of the day, money is what's important

And if o/p gives up her job what will employers think? Sahm, not career driven, wants to work around kids. O/p may not get another job, let alone a promotion.

Why is it o/p must sacrifice her working future for his?

Unless the increase of salary in new role is at least equal to your salary then I really don’t understand those saying that you effectively need to suck it up.

At the minute your household has two incomes with two tax allowances. It goes to one and maybe pushes him into higher rate tax band. Much better for both of you to keep working.

I definitely wouldn’t give up - even if childcare costs for the weekend eradicate your earnings.

Not sure how you work finances but if they are split then HE has to fund the weekend childcare as his changing jobs has created this issue.

He said if work can not adjust it then I don't have any option but to stay at home then.

Er, no, he doesn't get to dictate that

There are options:
He doesn't take job
He asks for adjustments to the new role to accomodate your alternate weekend working
He works out the cost of weekend childcare options and factors them into his pay rise - is it still as attractive once you have that greater expense
You ask for adjusted hours
You look for new job

Like hell would I become a SAHM against my will, esp with a partner that so little valued my happiness and future employability and financial security.

As already said, if the main reason to go for the job is the opportunity to go up the ladder and that opportunity might not come back for some time, then he needs to accept that he should be for a childminder over the weekends required, even if it means not being better off financially until you can claim the free hours. You get to keep your job that you enjoy, he gets the opportunity and you both can then look forward to the extra money in a couple of years time.

He needs to find chidcare then, your working pattern was already in place and he changed his. Very selfish to do so expecting you to play little wifey at home.

What is your industry? Are there no jobs mon-fri?

As for childcare eating in to your earnings so what? there is more to working than money and childcare costs will decrease with increasing age of the child.

I effectively worked for nothing for three years to cover the cost of childcare, it was far from pointless and worth every penny to maintain my skills, my pension and my sanity. Think long term, and make sure your contraception is watertight in the meantime.

Do you currently work every Saturday and Sunday once a fortnight? Could you ask to change it so that you work Saturday one week and Sunday the next?

Whatever you do don’t stop work against your will. His behaviour could be financial abusive.

Why all this stuff about the OP's earnings covering childcare.
Why is the assumption that it is her/the mother's financial responsibility? Definitely isn't in a situation where she is already committed to work at a time when the childcare is now needed to facilitate someone else's career progression.

It is a shared responsibility and expense. Does the payrise [more than] cover the cost of the childcare? Then that is the answer. Is the long term opportunity so good that it is worth being less well off in the short term to take it up? How will it work with family life? Will the OH be able to care for the child on their days off to allow more flexibility for OP to find a different job?

Do not give up your job, op. Your dh should be arranging childcare as he has taken a job when he is in sole charge of his child. Carry on as you are. I'm going for a job interview tomorrow that will mean changing childcare arrangements, do you imagine I'm going to be instructing my dh that it's his problem to solve?

Tell your DH you are keeping your job and if his hours clash with yours it is his responsibility alone to find childcare as it is he who is changing the arrangement.

Stand your ground as it is by far the best long term option.

You will be resentful, unhappy and the dynamics between you both will forever be changed if you go along with it.

Becoming a SAHM only makes sense if the cost of fortnightly weekend childcare is more than your salary. Otherwise you just pay for childcare and suck up the cost - look at the long term picture.

YANBU. Definitely do not give up your job.

Is your DP going to support you all the rest of your life including retirement? On his one salary?

It is much harder to get a job when you haven't worked for a few years and your skills and contacts have lost currency.

This sort of thing is annoying really. Man taking a job with no thought for childcare.

Things to consider... is the promotion paying more than your entire job,

Do you have free and easy access to the money he earns?

In addition...think about your NI and pension contributions.

Sit down with him and work out, on paper:

How much extra he will get after tax
How much extra weekend childcare will cost
How much less you will get as a family after tax if you quit
How this will affect YOUR pension - ask him if he will be contributing to it? If not why not?
How this will affect YOUR NI contributions - again will he be topping them up? If not why not?
Plans for long term? Is he planning to support you long term? Or is he expecting you to go back to work after the kids are at school/certain age? If so, point out that you’re killing your career and will be unlikely to get a job after so many years out.

Dh and I are in the same industry - I suspect he will get offered something that’s hard to refuse in the next few years and we have talked about it and costed it out (childcare, long term pension provision, possible country move with me being unable to get a visa etc.) it would make no financial sense for us unless he was earning an extra amount equivalent to a MINIMUM of 130% of my salary, to account for the long term. To make it financially worthwhile for us it’s need to be more.

Be very careful here. There’s nothing wrong with being a sahm IF that works for you, but to be forced into it is a disaster

I guess sooner or later he or you would be asked to change your shift pattern, could have been either of you. Can you ask family members to help out, just on the clashing days, or get childcare for those days?

YANBU
This is a pivotal moment and will have huge impact on you future.

If you aren’t married I wouldn’t even entertain the idea. If you have joint finances just get childcare. If it’s separate which wouldnt surprise me, you need to be clear and firm that je needs to use the increase to cover child care (all of it) as he created the “childcare conundrum”

If you are married, I think Bowlofbabelfish has great advice but if not, I wouldn’t consider leaving my job