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Original poster

I don't want to be a SAHM but I am being forced to

86 replies

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 12/06/2018 16:08

So at the moment everything is working out fine. I work, my DH works and our shift pattern works so that we both can look after our DS. He has now been accepted for a new job, which means that he has to change his days and it means that I have to change mine because he's the main earner! He will be earning far more money than I will.

The problem is, my contract states that I have to work every alternate weekends and because my DH also has to work every weekends in his new job, I am basically buggered! He said if work can not adjust it then I don't have any option but to stay at home then. I really don't want to be a SAHM! I love my DS to bits but I'd rather work and just be a "normal" working mum and I really enjoy going to work and interacting with my colleagues! It's the only adult conversation I get all week.

Do you think he is being selfish for putting me in this position?! I am worried about what work will say because I know that they will not allow me to have weekends off, and childcare is extortionate as well so having to fork out for that while I work, there will be no point! My DS is only 1 so not entitled to the free government funding yet.

I don't know why I feel really worried... I sound like a selfish person for not wanting to stay at home with my DS but as I explained, I really enjoy going to work. It gets me out of the house and enables me to earn money too as I like to earn my own money!

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 12/06/2018 17:18

No he isn’t being selfish you need to think of the family as a unit and what is best for the dc. If his wage is more than yours it’s better than he is the one that works.
Working isn’t a hobby , your dc will benefit twice from more time with you and higher family income.

letsallhaveanap · 12/06/2018 17:18

YANBU to be upset because he should have thoroughly discussed this with you not just told you what was happening... however he may have a point if he has the potential to earn a huge amount more for you as a family... BUT if you want to continue with your job he should help pay for the childcare for you to do that...its not just about your earning potential now but about in the future.... taking a break from working may damage that for you and that should be considered... especially as being a SAHM is not something you aspire to!!

Id demand that he helps cover the cost of the childcare required for you to keep your job or he does not take this new job. You should not have to completely stop working as it puts you in a very vulnerable position long term... it would be different if its what you yourself had really wanted... Im a SAHM because my partner was the high earner and we wanted to not have to pay childcare... but I agreed to that and have accepted the hit my career will take. Its not fair of him at all to either assume you will just be fine with it because the children should be your first priority OR to just be so thoughtless as to think you can just stay home with the child for a while and your long term earning power will not be effected nor will your mental wellbeing.... that is deeply thoughtless and quite selfish of him not to consider.

Quartz2208 · 12/06/2018 17:19

Of course he is being selfish - of course working isnt a hobby and if she doesnt want to be a SAHM why should she

Her DC will benefit from two happy and fulfilled parents not one having to sacrifice for the other

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2018 17:20

I don't understand why if you only work alternate weekends and he's earning a lot more you can't just pay for childcare on those weekends?

BitOutOfPractice · 12/06/2018 17:22

And these are exactly the sorts of ways women's career prospects and earning potential are reined in time and time again

Were you even consulted about your new career as SAHP op?

category12 · 12/06/2018 17:29

Mydcareamarvel, taking a career break to be a sahm damages longterm earning power and promotion prospects which is one of the reasons for the gender pay gap. It shouldn't just be assumed that the woman should take the hit on her lifetime earning potential, her pension pot etc, while the man is free to pursue his career. Especially if it's not what she wants. Dc won't benefit if not working means op is made miserable. Not everyone is happy to be a sahm, and not everyone thrives on it.

triwarrior · 12/06/2018 17:31

Why can’t you pay for childcare when you’re both scheduled to work weekends? Don’t make a permanent change to resolve a temporary situation.

Racecardriver · 12/06/2018 17:33

You don't have to be a SAHM. Just get a different job.

NameChange30 · 12/06/2018 17:36

You are both being unreasonable to assume that you giving up work completely is the only option. You have several options:

  • find weekend childcare, I assume you (as a couple) can afford it
  • find another job that doesn’t require you to work weekends

It’s not rocket science is it?

Are there other issues going on?

NameChange30 · 12/06/2018 17:38

Will you have any days together as a family, btw? Presumably with weekend work you both get at least one day off during the week?

category12 · 12/06/2018 17:38

What if op likes her job? If she has good prospects there? And "get another job" is rarely so simple. Hmm It might be an option, but it's still a massive change and pita for her.

NameChange30 · 12/06/2018 17:44

category12
And that’s exactly why getting weekend childcare was the first option I suggested.
She has options.

Alienspaceship · 12/06/2018 17:46

So ask him how he plans to orgamise childcare for HIS new arrangements. Has he worked out if his extra salary covers the extra childcare? Oh and don’t give up your job, you don’t want to be on here in a few months complaining that you have to ask him for money yada yada.....

ILikTheBred · 12/06/2018 17:54

Honestly OP - find some childcare. Take the financial hit - it will only be for a few years while giving up your career can have long term implications.

growingseeds · 12/06/2018 17:55

I'd not be happy with this, if there was no discussion in advance and you hadn't agreed to give up your job. I'm not suggesting this is a deal breaker, but bear in mind if you split up over this, he'd probably have the children eow, so he'd have to find childcare then, wouldn't he?

growingseeds · 12/06/2018 17:57

And I would not be giving up my job, and I'd expect him to sort out and pay for the extra childcare to cover the weekends that his new job had caused the difficulty with.

cestlavielife · 12/06/2018 18:01

Get the childcare. Weekend nanny. Au pair. You don't have to give up work at all you just have to find childcare which you both pay for out of the total. Simple.

reallyanotherone · 12/06/2018 18:06

He isn’t really being unreasonable. If he’s the one bringing in the most money, then it would be silly for him to give up the job/promotion to allow you to work and earn less money

It would only be silly for him to give up the promotion if he now earns enough to cover o/p’s salary.

Basic maths. Say they earn 20k and 30k now, total 50k. For it to be worthwhile o/p giving ip her job, he’d need to earn about 55k, to cover loss of cb, then there’s pension, higher tax etc.

Plus loss of security- when you’re reliant on one salary, there’s less flexibility for sickness or job loss.

So for it to be worthwhile, i’d want him to be earning 60k+ before giving up work.

Singlenotsingle · 12/06/2018 18:06

If he refused the promotion he might never be offered again. "Unreliable, unambitious, not leader material, doesn't need the money" is what his employers will think. It could be the end of his career and at the end of the day, money is what's important. What happens if you have another DC?

I would suggest discuss it with your employers. I dk what you do but maybe there's another role they could offer you?
Could family help out?
Or look for a job that doesn't involve weekends.

BlueBiros · 12/06/2018 18:12

Well I'd say if HE can't find childcare and HIS work cannot adjust it then HE can't take the new job.

How depressing to be in 2018 and men are STILL telling women that they can only go out to work under specific conditions. (I know namalt but still!)

BlueBiros · 12/06/2018 18:16

Hang on, if he's getting a new (presumably better paid) job, why can't the additional childcare costs simply come out of his additional salary? If the new job doesn't pay enough to cover the increased bills it wouldn't be worth taking it, surely?

Like if I were offered a job for slightly more money but in London I'd be mad to take it because I'd have less money overall. Unless, of course, childcare costs are only the responsibility of the mother rather than being seen as a cost shared by both working parents?

AlfredDaButtler · 12/06/2018 18:18

It's only not completely selfish of HIM if his new salary doesn't cover the loss of the OP's salary. If his new salary is greater than his old salary PLUS the OP's salary then financially hmm ok - but still a bit of a dick move to impose joblessness on someone who doesn't want it.

category12 · 12/06/2018 18:19

Is it a promotion, singlenotsingle? Not sure it isn't a new job entirely from the starting post. (In which case, what happens if it doesn't work out, and he gets let go?)

Scott72 · 12/06/2018 18:26

"If he refused the promotion he might never be offered again..."

That's what I was thinking. I don't think OP would have liked it either if her husband had refused the promotion and his career stagnated as a result. Of course he still should have tried to discuss this with her.

But it is also equally important OP keeps her career moving so she doesn't have to start from scratch later when her son is older. Some compromise is necessary! He can pay for childcare costs until maybe she can renegotiate her contract.

category12 · 12/06/2018 18:32

It's not just the immediate wages situation, it's the longterm implications.

It's a great opportunity for dh, but he needs to see that it's a big sacrifice he's asking of you, not something you should just accept because he's excited about the chance:

  • to give up a steady job
  • to be dependent on his wage
  • the effect on your longterm earnings
  • the effect on your pension pot
  • the fact you enjoy work
  • the fact you actively don't want to be a sahm.

He really needs to come up with solutions to childcare that don't involve you sacrificing in this manner.

Also, how are finances arranged currently, OP? Are they joint or separate?

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