My son, the mess, the anger.

[jobjobjob]

Son is 26 been very difficult since teenage years.

He moved out but due to lack of money has moved back.

He is vile to us, he will not do a thing in the house, his bedroom is disgusting, he literally throws rubbish on the floor, sleeps in a bare mattress and never ever hangs up or puts away an item of clothing.

You may say well that's his room, but he ruined this room when he lived with us before. We had to carpet, decorate, get new bed and furniture when he moved out. Not cheap and the same pattern is forming, we can't just keep replacing stuff.

He just will not do a thing, at the moment his brother and girlfriend are living with us (short term between let's). We are away on holiday. We have a cleaner and she can rarely get in his room. Over the course of 48 hours he had meals, dinner plates left on the table, every pot, pan, bread, eggs, tins, packets and utensil has been left out, or cleaned up, etc.

The cleaner cane and sons girlfriend was there so she cleared the whole lot for the cleaner to clean. She's not lying, I know my son and she sent photos.

So his dad called him and asked him why he left the place is such a state. He just told his father to fuck off and he doesn't care and is not interested. His father honestly was not aggressive or nasty to him.

He has no money currently and is going through a difficult patch at work. We've fully supported him and really don't want to kick him out.

When he denies theses things, he is so vehement, it is truly like he believes he's done.no wrong it really is.

We are finding things so stressful and depressing.

I suspect some MH issues but he just swears at us and screams and is impossible to talk to.

So what do we do?

What options are on your mind currently? Do you want suggestions on how to resolve this while all living together or are you open to him leaving?

We've fully supported him and really don't want to kick him out

There's the problem.

Why are you supporting an absolute thug who is destroying your property and routinely abusing you?

Of course he has mh problems if all you do is enable him, exacerbating any mh problems they may already exist.

Of course he can control himself - he has, and has kept, a job. You are being mugs

I'd rather not have to kick him out, without a doubt he would not go willingly and it would end in police intervention.

It's all so sad and such a mess and we honestly give him so much. But no matter what we do he just is awful to us.

You do have to chuck him out! He's working, he can afford to rent somewhere. Why do you feel you have to put up with it, just because he's your son? My son is still living at home, age 40, and he needs nagging to do anything but he's not like yours, and at least he's pleasant, friendly and charming! (Which makes it harder in a way)!

But there comes a time when you have to say "enough is enough" - or haven't you had enough yet? He isn't going to change!

You can’t change your son only how you respond to him. So

• don’t mention his room to him
• clean it for him
• throw him out

I personally would throw him out. I would not accept being verbally abused from anyone let alone in my own home by my own kid.

If he is that skint offer him a months rent in a flat share.

we honestly give him so much.

Can you not see?

Well it seems you have two options -

You either allow him to continue living with you, leeching off you and abusing you

Or

You kick the waste of space out

I know which id be doing

Harsh words to hear, but of course I know you're right.

The stupid thing is that if this were my husband l, it would've been over long ago!

Been where you are. Yes, police involvement.

You HAVE to do it. You are seriously failing him by not setting iron boundaries. Including getting in the heavies ie police.

What are you afraid of? Genuinely.

If you posted that he was 16, this would be a different story. He's 26 and you are enabling his selfish, childish, disrespectful behaviour. You need to kick him out or you'll be in this situation ten years down the line. He needs to hit rock bottom to completely change his attitude and behaviour. There is absolutely no reason for him to ever change if things stay as they are. Time for some well overdue tough love OP. You are doing him no favours.

Honestly I'm genuinely scared he would hurt himself. Even just to spite us.

Yes. Been there too.

You still have to do it

He sounds like my brother - thinks the world owes him something.
He'll learn nothing if you keep accepting his behaviour (letting him tell you to fuck off/shout at you), you need to force a change so either leave him to wallow in his own filth or chuck him out. I'd do the latter. He will find his own way eventually and hopefully realise your home is not a free hotel. If you won't kick him out start charging rent, regardless of whether he has money or not then when he does finally get a job/money you can back date all the money he owes you for supplying food/water/heating and cleaning his messes up everyday

Are there drugs involved? Skunk? Alcohol?

Op

If your son hurts himself or does anything else for that matter you aren’t responsible. That’s because he’s 26.

He needs to take responsibility for his life and his actions.

If you keep bailing him out he will never need to be responsible.

The change you want so desperately won’t come as your approach hasn’t worked.

And yes to calling the authorities if he gets nasty.

@springydaff , I really don't think so.

No you may not be responsible if he hurts himself - but you don't want him to hurt himself? Catch 22. It's a terrible bind.

Ime of a very unstable /violent/aggressive/abusive personality, you have to enforce the boundaries, iron boundaries. But don't do it aggressively or spitefully. OR with wringing hands. Just do it factually and quietly. No discussion.

You can do it.

He is holding you emotional hostage. You are scared he will hurt himself. You don't want to get tough and evict him. He is banking on this, and your parental guilt, to allow him to live like a pig. (Which is being insulting to pigs, because they are actually very clean animals!)

If he genuinely has MH issues, HE needs to take the responsibility of seeking help. Unless he is actually sectionable, I don't think you will be able to get any help on his behalf.

Or is he just an entitled man-child who thinks he has the right to live off his parents and trash their home?

If he can hold down a job, then he must be able to function. I think you know that you have to get him to leave, one way or another, and start taking some responsibility for his own life. He has said himself that he doesn't care what you do for him - so stop doing it!

Is he threatening to hurt himself? If so, that's emotional blackmail. He hasn't got a god-given right to make your lives a misery. He may have MH problems, but that doesn't give him the right to destroy you.

OP, you aren't responsible for your son's behaviours, reactions or actions. You are only responsible for your own. At the moment, it sounds as though your current approach is not working. So what else can you do?

What does your DH want to do? And your other son? He also needs some consideration here.

I'd rather not have to kick him out, without a doubt he would not go willingly and it would end in police intervention.

Yes it will. Please do it as soon as possible.

You do realise that you are donig the absolute opposite of helping him? He's a nasty thug, a giant overgrown toddler and you are doing the equivalent of letting him have the most gigantic tantrums then handing him a piece of cake.

You are NOT HELPING.

He cannot continue with this behaviour and make any sort of success of his life. He will not be able to sustain relationships if he thinks that he can behave like this and get away with it. He is going to lose his chance to have a good relationship, a family, good friends. He is a disaster of a person and you are sitting by and VALIDATING it.

Please, if you love your son, throw him the hell out, let the police take him away when he kicks off. It's called tough love, and your son really, really, REALLY needs a dose of it before he is universally hated.

I think he's on skunk. You need to throw him out.

Has a job but no money ? Sounds like an addiction with associated MH issues. Sounds like the job will go soon to? How is his social life - who is in it?

As others have said you are enabling his behaviour by tolerating it. You are providing more money to deepen his addiction by freeing up money from rent/food/bills that he can now use to feed his addiction.

Go to a support group - there really is only one way - rock bottom - the sooner he hits this the sooner he may turn around - they will help you cope to detach and practice tough love xxx

There's only one choice OP. He needs learn how to stand on his own feet. While you're wiping his arse you'll end up with a middle aged man still doing the same shit. But you'll be 20 yrs older.

Tell him to leave and if he won't have him removed. It's either that or suck it up. Be a parent instead of a mug.