My son, the mess, the anger.

[jobjobjob]

Son is 26 been very difficult since teenage years.

He moved out but due to lack of money has moved back.

He is vile to us, he will not do a thing in the house, his bedroom is disgusting, he literally throws rubbish on the floor, sleeps in a bare mattress and never ever hangs up or puts away an item of clothing.

You may say well that's his room, but he ruined this room when he lived with us before. We had to carpet, decorate, get new bed and furniture when he moved out. Not cheap and the same pattern is forming, we can't just keep replacing stuff.

He just will not do a thing, at the moment his brother and girlfriend are living with us (short term between let's). We are away on holiday. We have a cleaner and she can rarely get in his room. Over the course of 48 hours he had meals, dinner plates left on the table, every pot, pan, bread, eggs, tins, packets and utensil has been left out, or cleaned up, etc.

The cleaner cane and sons girlfriend was there so she cleared the whole lot for the cleaner to clean. She's not lying, I know my son and she sent photos.

So his dad called him and asked him why he left the place is such a state. He just told his father to fuck off and he doesn't care and is not interested. His father honestly was not aggressive or nasty to him.

He has no money currently and is going through a difficult patch at work. We've fully supported him and really don't want to kick him out.

When he denies theses things, he is so vehement, it is truly like he believes he's done.no wrong it really is.

We are finding things so stressful and depressing.

I suspect some MH issues but he just swears at us and screams and is impossible to talk to.

So what do we do?

I echo what others have said - he's got a job but no money? So where is it then? What is it going on?

Does he really have a job or is he just pretending to, to keep people off his back?

Does he have a MH problem which he is refusing to acknowledge?

Is he just a pain in the arse cunt who thinks the world owes him a living?

Whichever, you need to get him out. He has to have an absolute bottom line or he'll never sort himself out.

The kindest, most loving thing you can do to your son is chuck him out. He won’t stop.

My husbands cousin was like this but worse. And he’s worse now at 40 than he was at 30 and violent. He bled his grandmother dry. His mother divorced his father for telling the police the son had beaten him up and he was sent to prison as a result. Now he lives with his mother, drinking, taking drugs and beating his mother up from time to time.

This is the sort of future your ds has in store. Perhaps a little less violent. But certainly no better. Seriously you need to cut the apron strings before it’s too late.

Kick him out.
Call the police if needed.

He sounds like a right little bastard and will only get worse and then you'll never be rid of him.
if it ends in prison or hospital for him, then so be it.

The kindest, most loving thing you can do to your son is chuck him out. He won’t stop.

This.

He won't stop until he has to stop, you have done all you can and have done way more than you would do for anyone else, you literally have no other way of managing this.

The message is unanimous! I suppose I knew it really.

If you are unable to just kick him out, find a one bed flat. Pay the deposit etc and 3 months rent. Move him into it and tell him he has 3 months to sort himself out, after that rent/bills are down to him.

I'm sorry, it's hard. But you have had really good advice so now you have to find the courage to do it.

If you waver, think on the future. 20 years time when you are getting on a bit and should be looking forward to a happy retirement- but no all your money, time and good health will end up being sacrificed.

The other option,if you don't make him leave,is to put up with it forever?

You need to kick him out. As long as you let him live like this he will continue to do so. It’s your house and he’s an adult, most 26 year olds fend for themselves, some are married with kids of their own.

I know it is hard but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

If he does have mental health issues things will only get worse, because you are supporting him it will be hard to get help from anywhere else.

We've fully supported him and really don't want to kick him out.

And there is your answer. You fully support him but he treats you all like shit as he knows there are no consequences for anything he does.

Unless you start showing him tough love, nothing will change.

Good luck

The only way you can help this young man is to make him leave. That is honestly the best you can do for him. He has to learn to manage his own life. You can help him find and equip a bedsit and have him visit for the odd meal but no more.
We have 5 adult dc between us, post university 4 of them lived at home for up to 18 months but not one abused us or our home as your son is doing. The rudeness would not have been tolerated even once. The boys went through a very messy phase aged 15/16 but we controlled it by saying, no cleaning up from you no cooking or washing from me.
Honestly, it is the most loving thing you can do.

:S Hes a man... Bit wierd that he is acting like that as he is a grown up..

Think he has been aloud to act like that for far too long and its just enabling him to be a dick for the rest of his life, not even sure how he manages to get a Girlfriend because i know i wouldnt date a man child like that.

It's his brother who has a girlfriend, isn't it?

@HollowTalk yeah your right,it's the brother

Exactly what SpringDaff said.

It sounds like your DS still wants to have a parent-child relationship. It’ll be hard for you but you really need to talk to him and treat him in an adult to adult way. And you have to maintain the adult stance rather than switch into ‘parent’ which lets him be a child. Calm, clear boundaries need to be set in your home. You can also try to be open to hearing if difficulties and supportive in finding help. Then if he can’t abide by boundaries them he needs to know he’s out.

Please don’t leave this any longer as it’ll just get more difficult. You are not alone, my experience is with my DM and not-so-DSis. DM has made excuses for decades saying ‘she’ll get over it’ and move out. I’ve begged her to throw her out so DSis can be allowed to ‘not cope’ and realise she needs MH help. Now DM is a little old lady and asks me not to call SS or police after each reportable incident. It didn’t start this bad but has gradually got worse as DSis’s behaviour has been tolerated.

Please act sooner rather than later. It will be painful but FAR better for both you and him in the long term.

It is an unkindness to him for you to allow/enable him to not learn that his behaviour has consequences.

It is shit that at 26 he still hasn't grasped this, but better for him to learn now than at 36/46 or whenever, when he has a family.

You are his parent. Sometimes kids don't like the lessons their parents must teach them, he doesn't want to behave like an adult, but you really must make him go and find his own way.

Imagine it was your husband behaving like this and he said he would hurt himself if you didn't stay with him. That would be seem as incredibly controlling, manipulative, abusive behaviour. Just because he's your son, it's still the same pattern of behaviour. Even worse in some ways that it's coming from your adult son!

He's not a troubled teen, he's a 26 year old man who is acting up because he's being allowed to. Imagine if he gets a partner and starts manipulating them the same way. There is literally only one option open to you, otherwise he's going to destroy your family. Why should one person hold the rest of the family to ransom? He needs to change or seek help and in the current situation, he has absolutely no incentive to do this.

He sounds like he's got a serious mental health issue. What work does he do? Does he smoke cigarettes?
It sounds like schizophrenia, where the person is being fully absorbed/overloaded and bombarded in their own head means a lack of awareness of external circumstances, to the point of sleeping on bare mattresses and destroying property. Has he ever seen a doctor for his mental health?
Otherwise it could be cannabis addiction, chronic smoking of which leads to basically acting like you have schizophrenia.

I feel really sorry for you. You are obviously kind and loving parents and it is not your fault that he is taking advantage of that fact- the problem is with him not you - he is wrong to take advantage of the fact that he has such lovely parents who he thinks will put up with anything. People can say you have been too soft with him but if that is how you are then you can't and shouldn't have to change. You could just as easily have had a son who did not behave in this way and appreciated you. He is the problem not you. Whatever other people are saying about throwing him out, it cannot be an easy decision for you and whatever he is like, as his mother, you are bound to worry about what will happen to him - no matter how awful he is towards you. But, you have to think of yourselves now and he has to know you are serious and will not accept this kind of behaviour. I have had experience of this with a family member and things got so bad we were reduced to threatening him with police intervention - luckily, the shock of this got him to change his ways but it took serious threats of being thrown out and being made homeless before it finally got through to him that we were serious. It is scary when a grown man (even if its your own son) gets angry and shouts at you and it is totally unacceptable, but only you know whether he will actually turn violent or whether threatening him with Police etc will be enough to shock him into changing his behaviour. If not, then I would tell him to go and ask the police to be present while he leaves - only you know you own son. Good luck.

and telling him you will ask the police to remove him will shock him into changing his behaviour.

jobjobjob

How did this all start going wrong in his teenage years?.

Why did he become a boomerang kid?. You have to take some responsibility for this too. Presumably as well you gave him no deadline to move out when he moved back in with you.

Your rescuing and enabling him has not and will not work out. If you choose to bury your head in the sand as my relation has also done, you will one day be in her position with her now middle aged, unemployed - and unemployable - son.

sorry ignore the last bit!!

Why don't you think he's on drugs? His behaviour lack of money and all you describe would sound pretty typical for a person with a habit. They are not out of it all the time but can get MH problems from their habit. Everything you describe sounds very much like it but either way he's not being a reasonable adult why on earth did you take him back without making sure he had sorted himself out and was going to be an adult. Stop treating him like a child and make him leave finding the bedsit would be one option providing you are not a guarantor you don't want a rent bill and be liable for a deep clean etc.
If he's threatening self harm ring a duty social worker and say you believe he's a risk to himself.

Fizzy wrote this comment earlier and I would agree with every word of it:-

"He will not be able to sustain relationships if he thinks that he can behave like this and get away with it. He is going to lose his chance to have a good relationship, a family, good friends. He is a disaster of a person and you are sitting by and VALIDATING it"

I think he's on drugs. The lack of money and the aggression screams addiction.

You know what you have to do. It won't be pretty but it is necessary.

Time for him to leave and live his own life.

You love him, you will always support him but he can no longer live with you until he is capable of being civil and respectful.

If you need the police, you need the police but he has to go (the fact it would come to this is very sad for you, but indicative of the problem you have)