My son, the mess, the anger.

[jobjobjob]

Son is 26 been very difficult since teenage years.

He moved out but due to lack of money has moved back.

He is vile to us, he will not do a thing in the house, his bedroom is disgusting, he literally throws rubbish on the floor, sleeps in a bare mattress and never ever hangs up or puts away an item of clothing.

You may say well that's his room, but he ruined this room when he lived with us before. We had to carpet, decorate, get new bed and furniture when he moved out. Not cheap and the same pattern is forming, we can't just keep replacing stuff.

He just will not do a thing, at the moment his brother and girlfriend are living with us (short term between let's). We are away on holiday. We have a cleaner and she can rarely get in his room. Over the course of 48 hours he had meals, dinner plates left on the table, every pot, pan, bread, eggs, tins, packets and utensil has been left out, or cleaned up, etc.

The cleaner cane and sons girlfriend was there so she cleared the whole lot for the cleaner to clean. She's not lying, I know my son and she sent photos.

So his dad called him and asked him why he left the place is such a state. He just told his father to fuck off and he doesn't care and is not interested. His father honestly was not aggressive or nasty to him.

He has no money currently and is going through a difficult patch at work. We've fully supported him and really don't want to kick him out.

When he denies theses things, he is so vehement, it is truly like he believes he's done.no wrong it really is.

We are finding things so stressful and depressing.

I suspect some MH issues but he just swears at us and screams and is impossible to talk to.

So what do we do?

What sadie9 said. I know someone who has schizophrenia, and this does sound the same!! It is really tough to get help for him, and often getting help comes through throwing someone out or getting police involved, unfortunately.

for you!! and best wishes, this is not easy at all.

@MoyoGaza no need to be cruel

@MoyoGaza thanks for that. How cruel, look to yourself my MH issues too! I think you have a few.

OP, is there any chance your son could have some undiagnosed ASD type thing?

Ring your GP and ask what mental health services maybe available to your son. He might have depression and need treatment.

You are a naturally kind and caring person and therefore you are used to giving unlimited love and care.

Where there is give and take you have a healthy dynamic.

When was the last time your son made you a cup of tea because you were tired? Or helped with the laundry or cooking?

Kindness and consideration for others is learnt in the home.

If your childrearing hasn't included these basic life skills where DC learn independence through having learnt basic responsibilities: how to use the washing machine, how to cook, how to clean and tidy up after themselves, then what have you been teaching them all these years?!

That home is a hotel, women are doormats to be abused, sworn at and require no respect or consideration?!

Could your selflessness have contributed to his appalling selfishness do you think?

Is it too late to teach him basic life skills do you think?

With life skills come social skills and without either you have enabled and reared a monster.

Fluffy robin, if he hasn't learnt basic life skills in 26 years, he never will! It certainly isn't on his list of priorities!

No one sets out to become like your son has. We all know teenagers who leave plates upstairs and dump saucepans in the sink and don't shower for days. This is different. There's laziness and there 'obliviousness' and the latter is what we have here. There's unwilling and there's unable. Your son is in the 'unable' category.
No one caused this to happen. If it's a mental illness it was always going to develop as it has. It's no one's fault and it's not bad parenting. These are two loving parents trying to do the best for their son. It's not that your son doesn't love you and care about you, he doesn't have the resources to relate like everyone does, at the minute.

When he looks at you, it's like looking down the wrong end of a telescope, you are very far away and sort of not 'real' and not of importance to him. His thoughts are very much 'real' and important.
OP, it might be no harm for you to seek advice from your local community mental health nurse, describe the situation and see what they say.

OP, I know it seems like people are being harsh, some of them are, some of them do not understand as they don’t live in your home. We don’t know if your son may have MH issues, a drug problems or some kind of sn’s, people just assume he’s lazy due to bad parenting. This isn’t always the case.

I have been in a similar position to you but with my step son, he is a similar age to your ds now. He had always been lazy and messy and many times we put it down to his DM being too soft on him. Eventually he had a breakdown at the age of 20, soon after he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, bi polar and personality disorder. We were advised that to get him the help he needed (this was before diagnosis) we had to make him homeless. It was very hard, we often had the police turn up with him begging us to take him for a night and we had to refuse, eventually he was housed but he could not look after himself and ended up damaging the property, not long after he was sectioned. He has been sectioned several times since and is now back living with his mother.

My story may be very different to yours but I just wanted to point out to people that things are not always as simple as ‘bad parenting’, there maybe more going on here. But I do agree that OP needs to kick him out, it’s not fair that you have to have this stress now he’s an adult. If he has a job then I feel he can house himself, even if it’s a bed sit? If not then you need to look at why he can’t live alone?

@ jobjobjob, I'm so sorry about my harsh comments earlier. I guess I wanted to jolt you into tough love, but I went over board.
You are dealing with an incredibly tough situation and deserve empathy and understanding. Please forgive me

OP, you need to chuck him out. Tough parenting, it’s going to be hard. :(

I understand how you feel, i am in a very similar position. It sounds as though your son has MH issues. He sounds like he has low self esteem. It's easy for others to say 'kick him out' but it isn't that simple is it? All you can do is give him a time frame 'You need to find other accommodation by...' and be prepared to change the locks on that date. However, it doesn't sound like he would find somewhere else very easily if he lives like this and is on a low income.

My heart goes out to you, but you need to stand up to him somehow or things will only get worse.

As some people are saying I also suspect a mental health issue of some kind. I grew up with 2 incredibly messy and annoying brothers who drove my parents nuts but eventually sorted themselves out and now live independently and are fine.
My own son has 2 diagnoses himself so although he's younger I could imagine him behaving like this as he's very self centred and lazy at times and can be angry and stubborn. I try to manage this behaviour as best as I can and help him to be independent and learn life skills while of course bearing in mind his difficulties. Who knows how he will be when he's older.
I really feel for you as this goes beyond the usual chaotic young person and screams that he needs help.
I doubt that many of those who say "kick him out I wouldn't allow that in my home" have much experience of managing a child with a mental illness.
💐 for you.