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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this fair?

103 replies

Choccablock · 11/06/2018 21:58

Well today marks the day I start treating DH like he treats me.

I often feel invisible. He is glued to his phone/laptop/PC at all times. Breakfast is him sat on the sofa, laptop on lap, watching TV loudly, eating breakfast with one hand and often his phone in the other. (Yep, 3 screens at once...)
No interaction, I have to pretty much beg to have breakfast together at the table (and even that involves scrolling Reddit on his phone)

90% of evenings he spends in the office gaming loudly with his headset on. On the rare occasion he comes downstairs and Im watching TV myself, he walks in takes the TV remote, Huffs at the 'crap' I'm watching and changes the channel.

Twice this week he insisted we carried on with sex while the newborn baby cried and cried. I felt really horrible but wanted to believe he was right (he says if the baby has been fed/changed then baby needs to learn that it won't get attention everytime he cries)

So tonight he asked me for a sock so he could 'do his thing', expecting me to act all sexy and into his horny.... (Normally I absolutely would get into the mood. Even when I've had a shit day with our toddler/exhausted from pregnancy/ feeling fat andhideous post birth) But thought I just layed there and carried on ebay shopping. I kissed him back, but instead of getting 'into the moment' I held my phone behind his head. Kissed him with eyes open and continued to scroll through eBay.

Instead of working out what clothes left on the floor are dirty to be washed or clean enough to be worn for a second day (jeans, jumpers etc) I'll just shove them into his cupboard and he can work it out.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I just need a place to tell someone. I feel very lonely and sad. My husband is selfish, right? Or is it the postpartum hormones?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/06/2018 14:55

OP no its not normal, none of what you said goes on is part of a happy joint relationship

nuclearwasteoftime · 12/06/2018 17:37

No, OP, it's not fair. It's so unfair. You sound so lovely, like you're trying so hard to make a good life for everybody and you're getting nothing- worse than nothing, you're getting abuse- in return.

You sound like you know what you want: connection, intimacy, conversation. You deserve those things. You've asked for them- if your post is anything to go by!- kindly and constructively and clearly.

It's so hard to leave. It feels impossible because where you are hurts but leaving hurts too. We're so well-trained to put everyone else first, keep up appearances, don't make a fuss. But what about you? What about what you want?

You don't need a better reason to leave than wanting to leave. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone but you (it makes sense to us!). You don't have to do it today. But every day you spend in this relationship is a day longer you have to wait for cuddles before, during and after sex, cuddles that aren't about sex at all, for the relationship you want and deserve. OP, LTB.

LB2203 · 12/06/2018 22:37

You're not whinging. All I see is somebody trying to organise their thoughts and make sense of a really difficult situation. It's ok to reach out for support too. You're human.

Sometimes it's only once you start writing things down or sharing them with others that it sinks in what's really going on.

Keep posting for as long it's helpful to you.

LizB62A · 12/06/2018 22:44

Can I ask how old your baby is?

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 12/06/2018 22:59

OP, listen good. And listed carefully. Making him feel like you to force empathy WONT WORK. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t have much respect for those around him. Life. Is. Too. Short. To put with this crap. LTB.

Gardensamess · 14/06/2018 08:55

I can empathise with your situation as I am in a similar type of relationship; feeling lonely due to him constantly glued to the X-Box whilst chatting to his mates using head phone or if not talking to them listening to a podcast where I can't talk because he gets frustrated at not hearing the podcast, most nights. I'm a SAHM with a toddler and could use help and companionship. Also the same situation whereby he rolls over and looks at his phone straight after sex. I called him on it last time and said "shouldn't we be hugging and having pillow talk?" He was quiet for a moment and then said, "I love you" then carried on playing on his phone with his back to me. He didn't used to be like that, I think he just takes me for granted now or doesn't care.

I just wanted to say I have been advised by everyone to leave him (for many more reasons not stated here) and I am resigned to the fact that'll have to happen even though I love him and we have a family together. The people on this thread have given some wonderful advice and I hope you find the strength and clarity to do what is best for you and your children. Easier said than done but now you are aware his behaviour is unacceptable, that might give you impetus to chose you.

If you would like to PM me, feel free. Good luck with everything.

Original poster
Choccablock · 15/06/2018 07:59

Hi all. Sorry i disappointed a bit. I found it upsetting to see your replies. Its a good thing- I a wanted honest replies, I just found it hard to read them. I have read every one of your replies thoroughly.
DH and I had a chat. Decided no phones in bed or sofa. Also 'one screen at a time' rule applies downstairs. He has been in a mood ever since. Hoping this is just a shock and the tension will disappear soon.
For some reason he told me he thought I didn't want to touch him...ever (I think BS)... I clarified that I didn't want him to touch my boobs as I just wanted to go to sleep...
He woke me for sex in the middle of the night last night (hoping this was his way of saying sorry...)

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/06/2018 08:02

You hope finding a loophole to get what he wants is his way of saying sorry

It’s still all about sex for him he couldn’t even last a night. His response was to focus on sex as well

AgathaF · 15/06/2018 08:12

I really don't think that was him saying sorry.

Theusual · 15/06/2018 08:19

He still sounds vile sorry.

Penfold007 · 15/06/2018 08:46

He wasn't saying sorry. He was asserting his control over you.

Shoxfordian · 15/06/2018 10:35

He woke you up for sex and you actually had sex with him? I wouldn't have sex with my partner if he woke me up. I'd be annoyed. Seriously op this is just not good

Monr0e · 15/06/2018 13:03

He sounds despicable Angry

How old is your baby? Has he suddenly shown any interest in his own child or does he still find him "boring"

How can you stand to be intimate with someone with so little disregard for you and your children. It's all about him getting his wants met with minimum effort from him.

MiggledyHiggins · 15/06/2018 13:22

You've a newborn and he woke you up for a shag?

Jesus.

That's not nice behaviour. Or apologetic behaviour. That's dickhead behaviour. Sorry.

pinkyredrose · 15/06/2018 17:40

He woke you up for sex to apologise to you? Hmm Did you want sex? Did you have sex? I think he should marry his phone, it seems to be his main interest.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/06/2018 17:54

Other people are giving you far better and more detailed advice than I'm equipped to do, but Choccablock none of what you describe is right.

Sure, no one has a perfect relationship but I wouldn't put up with what you are for 24 hours. What you're describing is abuse and I bet things have got worse the more dependent you've become.

Wake up and make plans.

lifechangesforever · 15/06/2018 17:58

Why isn't your newborn in the room with you?

lifechangesforever · 15/06/2018 18:07

I honestly think the thing with the screens is the least of your problems and you're focussing on the wrong thing.

Did you want sex last night? How could you consent to it if you were asleep? When you told him to stop when the baby was crying, he should have stopped. That has made my blood run cold. I don't know how old your newborn is but you make it sound like they're not in the same room as you - is this because he hasn't allowed it?

Your mother is right, you need to take your babies and you need to leave. Go home to your mum.

Gruffalina72 · 15/06/2018 18:23

I understand why you desperately want to believe he's going to change and everything will be great, and he'll stop abusing you. I can see you trying to convince yourself.

So I'm sorry, but I agree with everyone else. Your update isn't describing somebody who's sorry, it's describing somebody who is punishing you for breaking his unspoken rules by standing up to him.

He's been "in a mood" since you tried talking to him.

He tried to turn it back around on you and make out it was your fault and your doing.

He woke you up in the middle of the night to use you for sex. Did you wake up before or after he had started having sex with you?

If you genuinely think these are indications that somebody respects you, intends to change, and is genuinely sorry, I could cry for you. How badly has he warped your sense of normality for you to be pleased with this outcome.

He's still abusing you. This is not an improvement.

I'm really sorry.

Quartz2208 · 15/06/2018 18:27

Why does your Mum despise him

I know this must be hard everyone telling you not only is this not normal but he is at best useless and controlling to at worse actually emotionally and sexually abusive and you do need to be gentle on yourself

FinallyHere · 15/06/2018 18:30

he asked me for a sock

Is this code? Ah, i see it has been explained, thank you. But as for the baby crying

He isn't all bad.

Im very glad you have found your way to MN. There is a great deal of experience and wisdom here, along with people prepared to share with you. I hope your eyes are opened, I really don't like to think of anyone living like this..

MumofBoysx2 · 15/06/2018 18:34

He sounds like he has all the niceness and charm of a bowl of squid.

maymai · 15/06/2018 18:38

He woke you for sex in the middle of the night.....he needs to realise there is more to life than having his sexual desires met. He sounds like an utter twat. You deserve better.

maymai · 15/06/2018 18:39

Wake him in the middle of the night for a chat.....I bet he won't meet that need of yours but he expects you to meet his. I'm so angry on your behalf!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 15/06/2018 18:43

Squid is delicious! Unlike the utter bastard we're discussing.

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