You're not stupid, you were just targeted.
Everybody has some good qualities, good moments. Nobody is 100% terrible 100% of the time. But that doesn't mean we have to accept being mistreated, because sometimes they bother to (pretend to) be kind and loving towards us.
Do you treat people you love the way he treats you?
None of us are perfect, it's part of being human. But there is a huge difference between human imperfections and wilful mistreatment of the other people in our lives.
A decent but imperfect human would listen to your concerns and discuss them with you.
A decent but imperfect human would apologise for their mistakes without blaming you. They'd learn from them and take care not to repeat them (and I don't mean for a day or two, I mean long term).
A decent but imperfect human would help care for his sons. He would cherish his baby. He would be asking you how he could make your life easier. He might make mistakes or be unenthusiastic about changing nappies, but he'd be there, part of it. He wouldn't be able to listen to his newborn baby crying and prevent anybody responding.
A decent but imperfect human would never force you to continue having sex when you wanted to stop. He would listen to you and respect you, and be sad to realise he'd hurt or upset you.
I understand that you're not ready or comfortable to label his behaviour as abusive. That's fine. It took me a long time too.
Abusive men aren't outwardly abusive all the time. There will be moments where they seem calm, loving, happy. Moments where they buy unexpected gifts. If they were cruel all the time they would never be able to get their hooks into anyone. Nobody would accept someone who was cruel all the time from day one.
But when there are time where they're not cruel, not controlling, and instead make us feel special or loved or noticed or appreciated or laugh with us, it gets harder. We love them so we want to believe that the 10 minutes of kindness amidst the hours of being ignored and mistreated and upset are the "real them".
We want to believe that if only we try harder, do more, achieve perfection, don't stress them out with our neediness, meet their sexual needs, listen to what they tell us to do, don't question them... that we will get more of the person we fell in love with. That we'll get the "real them" back.
Unfortunately the real them is the person who believes it's ok to mistreat people who love you. We can't change them, because they don't want to change. This works for them. They get what they want from it. The fact that he doesn't want to change is evidenced by the fact that even when he tells you he will he doesn't bother for more than a couple of days. That's not somebody who is trying to change or intends to change.
You mentioned that you don't think you could cope as a single parent. But other than him doing a few odd jobs, it sounds like you already are. He doesn't lift a finger for your newborn and even stops you caring for him.
Don't you think being a single parent might actually be easier than that?
There'd be nobody to stop you, nobody interfering in developing a bond with your baby. Nobody making your doubt your own instincts, or undermining your own judgment about how best to care for them.
Somebody already asked you if you want your boys to grow up thinking this is a normal and acceptable way to treat the women in their lives.
Do you want them to grow up thinking this is how they deserve to be treated?
That when they cry they don't deserve to be comforted?
That they can't rely on you to be there for them when they need you?
Recognising that you deserve better, and your sons deserve better, that none of you deserve to be mistreated, that you won't tolerate it... Recognising that the future you want is not compatible with living this way... It doesn't mean you stop loving him. I know it's not that simple snd we can't just switch off our feelings. But sometimes you have to love yourself more than. You have to love your boys more. You have to value your own life and your boys' lives more.
It's ok to accept that you will always love him, but that what is right for you is that you don't live like this anymore. That you need your future to be different and you're going to take steps to achieve that.
You don't need to have decided that you want to leave. You just need to be prepared to think about your future openly. That's enough right now.
I understand calling Women's Aid might seem too much. I understand too what it's like when people start telling you you're being abused and it seems ridiculous and impossible and dramatic. I've been there. I was adamant those people were being unfair to him and I felt I should defend him, and remind them that I shared responsibility, that he wasn't all bad. But I still started seeking out information.
The Freedom Programme will never tell you that you have to leave. They won't tell you what to do. But they will share information with you. They can tell you what abuse really looks like (not the dramatic images in the media, the really obvious violence, but the subtle, gradual, drip drip drip of abuse), they can tell you what a healthy albeit imperfect relationship looks like. They can tell you the impact all this is having on your sons, and how they have the potential to bounce back from it if you do leave. They can give you tools for your future. And they can validate what's happening to you without any "I told you so" comments or judgement.
They have a website, freedomprogramme.co.uk, if you just want to dip your toes in. (Which is what I did to start with, and then shook my head and said "this is just a misunderstanding". But I had questions, and I wanted answers. I wanted to understand why other people saw abuse where I didn't. So I accepted a place on their course.) They also have a phone line and email address you can use to contact them. They won't tell you to leave.
You don't have to have any intention of leaving to go on their course, and if you do go you won't have to share anything you don't want to. It's not like AA on TV where you stand up in front of everyone and tell them about your life. I think the only words I spoke my first few weeks were to confirm my name when I arrived, and hello/goodbye. I just sat and listened.
I actually repeated the course a second time, because the first time around I was in such shock that what they were describing reflected my life so accurately I couldn't process it. I was hard, but I used to promise myself a treat afterwards for each week I sat through. I am extremely glad I went.
From the practical side, lots of them take place during the day with a crèche, so it will just seem like you're going to a children's or play group. It's not advertised where you are or what you're doing there.
Failing that, there is an online version. Although if you can I would encourage you to go to a course at some point too. You can take a lot more from it.
It's just a place to gather information that might help you. Knowledge really is power. It's up to you what you do with it, but I reckon you're far stronger and much more capable than you give yourself credit for.