Is this fair?

[Choccablock]

Well today marks the day I start treating DH like he treats me.

I often feel invisible. He is glued to his phone/laptop/PC at all times. Breakfast is him sat on the sofa, laptop on lap, watching TV loudly, eating breakfast with one hand and often his phone in the other. (Yep, 3 screens at once...)
No interaction, I have to pretty much beg to have breakfast together at the table (and even that involves scrolling Reddit on his phone)

90% of evenings he spends in the office gaming loudly with his headset on. On the rare occasion he comes downstairs and Im watching TV myself, he walks in takes the TV remote, Huffs at the 'crap' I'm watching and changes the channel.

Twice this week he insisted we carried on with sex while the newborn baby cried and cried. I felt really horrible but wanted to believe he was right (he says if the baby has been fed/changed then baby needs to learn that it won't get attention everytime he cries)

So tonight he asked me for a sock so he could 'do his thing', expecting me to act all sexy and into his horny.... (Normally I absolutely would get into the mood. Even when I've had a shit day with our toddler/exhausted from pregnancy/ feeling fat andhideous post birth) But thought I just layed there and carried on ebay shopping. I kissed him back, but instead of getting 'into the moment' I held my phone behind his head. Kissed him with eyes open and continued to scroll through eBay.

Instead of working out what clothes left on the floor are dirty to be washed or clean enough to be worn for a second day (jeans, jumpers etc) I'll just shove them into his cupboard and he can work it out.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I just need a place to tell someone. I feel very lonely and sad. My husband is selfish, right? Or is it the postpartum hormones?

Hmm, except when you look at his behaviour in the round he is really not lovely at all. What he did to you when the baby was crying was abhorrent. I don't disagree with pp comment.

You say it isn't enough anymore.

So where do you want to go from here?

How do you feel about your baby growing up in a home where its father forces you into sex to prevent you caring for it? YOUR feelings, not what he's told you to think or feel. You don't have to post the answer, but think about it...

Somebody who sexually assaults you isn't going to change because you've started turning the wifi off. You're not a person to him, you're a possession.

The fact that him doing this to you didn't feel completely alien to you worries me deeply. Some of what you've written already could be lifted straight out of the Freedom Programme. Maybe you should check it out, because it sounds like he's really distorted your sense of what is normal and what is not.

I don't want to upset you, but to be clear, forced sex is rape. And raping you to prevent you from picking up your crying baby is domestic violence. Lovely people don't do that.

Someone that vile isn't going to wise up because you stopped washing his clothes. He doesn't care about you, your wishes, needs or wellbeing. Please get rid of him for your own safety. It will get worse.

He sounds like a knob
Don't put up with this shit op; can you stay with friends or family? I think you should consider leaving him.

He was going to wank into the sock @luxurybiscuits and anyone else wondering what the sock was for. Ugh.

Why couldn't he get his own sock

Oh the bit about the baby crying is horrible OP and I hope you are ok. You need to tell him that newborns absolutely do not need to 'learn to cry' but he needs to learn that your priority is now the baby and his sex drive is a long way down the list! Honestly, he sounds awful. Do you have help or someone to talk to irl? Look after yourself OP, this was not a nice post to read.

He is an abusive man. Why would you stay with someone like that

I'm guessing the sock is him going for a wank, but hoping you will follow to take part.
Either way he is a disgrace.

Can I just say that he's wrong about the whole "baby needs to realise that they won't get attention from crying".

Small babies don't have wants, they have needs.
If a baby is crying, it is because they NEED something and expecting them to cry themselves to sleep is just cruel.

Shoxfordian is right regarding to sock for those who didn't understand that bit

I'm feeling sad reading your replies. I feel sad and embarrassed that I wrote that OP last night.

He isn't all bad. He pays the bills and takes care of the 'blue jobs' like mowing the lawn, taking out the bin (when asked), fixing things and putting furniture/toys thogether e.t.c.
I wouldn't say he is sexually abusive at all. I'm sorry it came across like that. I would say he is securely selfish yes.

I always thought I was confident and strong. But I've realised now that I don't have any real friends to talk to and my mum is a no-go. Her and DH dispise each other. To talk to her about this would confirm all her nasty OTT beliefs about him and would probably say "I told you so". She would encourage me to divorce him. But I don't want that. I've never not been in a relationship.

I couldn't be on my own with two babies. I always had this plan in life. From the outside my family are perfect, we have a lovely home, children, reasonable jobs. How vain am I... Its a bit like depression, noone wants anyone to know they are depressed so they disguise it with a smile.

I have spoken to DH a few times about these things (not all at the same time of course). And he will try hard for about a day or two theft revert back to the ways I described in my OP.

I asked him recently why he hasn't picked up the baby once or changed his nappy or done anything of his own accord without me asking him to. He told me newborns are boring and he can't get much interaction at this age. He said me being his mother, I can fulfill his needs (i.e. feeding him).

Please please please make sure you have cast iron contraception. You really don't want to get pregnant again with this man.

Gosh no. I love my children to pieces. But if I didn't have them and wasn't married...I think I would have left DH.
I'm so sad as feel so stupid

Well that's a new one on me, 'blue jobs'.

Is everything else a 'pink job', in other words, 'your job'?

Chocca

re your comment:-
"She would encourage me to divorce him. But I don't want that".

And why don't you want that? Is he all you think you deserve? Would you want what you describe in your posts for your kids?. No you would not. So why is it supposedly good enough for you.

"I've never not been in a relationship".

It sounds like your relationship history has been pretty much crap from when you first embarked on relationships. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Do you really know who you are and what you want from a relationship?. I would argue that you do not and still do not either primarily because you have gone from one relationship into another one with hardly any gaps. Going from one relationship into simply another one is you avoiding your own issues, perhaps for instance an innate fear of being on your own.

The worst thing in life though is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone. Being a single parent to 2 children is better than the pitiful existence you write of now. He does the barest of bare minimums as it is. So he puts the bags out and pays the bills and you describe him as being not too bad. That also shows me just how tragically low your own relationship bar is. Your boundaries here are also practically non existent which makes it easier for a man like this to get his claws into. You were targeted by him really, he saw you as easy prey.

Do not let your own pride and the unhelpful I told you so comments from your mother keep you at all with someone like this man.

Men like your H like seemingly strong and together women but with innate low self worth because they see them as a further challenge to break and drag down with them. Do not let your children grow up thinking what they see in your household is their norm too. Your H does not care about you and as your children get older they will come to realise that too.

Twice this week he insisted we carried on with sex while the newborn baby cried and cried.

This is not normal! Don't let him tell you it is! Absolutely disgusting behaviour from an adult who should know better. I feel so sorry for your children. Don't let him treat them like this - you're the only protector and advocate they have since their father obviously couldn't care less about them.

You are not stupid but you are going to have to ultimately become a better advocate for your own self and raise your own too low relationship bar.

You are married to this person and have legal rights; you can seek legal advice re separation from him and you do not have to act on this immediately. Knowledge is power.

Your two children are the only good thing to have come out of this whole relationship with your H. Do right by them. What do you want to teach them about relationships, surely not this crap role model of one.

Nope he is a dick!

OP with the greatest respect I think you really do need to wonder whether your Mum's OTT beliefs are not that OTT at all

You have never not been in a relationship - wth the greatest respect I dont think you are in one now - you are quite literally the extension for him for the sock

He is an awful father - really who puts his own selfish needs ahead of the baby - whilst you may not think of it as sexually abusive it certainly is not father of the year - and its taken exactly how long for him to call him boring and refuse to do anything

Do you really want this for your life?

And when you didnt get into it what did he do - stop or just carry on?

attilathemeerkat you are definitely right. I don't want my son's to grow up and treat me and their future wives the same.
I see the way my DH treats his mother and I've always said in my head I won't let him treat me that way. I have recently told him this (about a year ago).
E.g. asking for a drink/snack whilst sat next to me is the norm.
MIL jumps at his every whim.

The worst thing in life though is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone This hits a nerve. Maybe you are right.

Sons*

Well your mum is bloody right.
He sounds like a fucking dickhead, you need to get your arse out of there and show your children this isn't a normal relationship to model their future ones on.
Talking to your mum will help if she hates him that much, she may be an 'I told you so'-er (my mum is one of these), however it's worth it to be fucking rid.

He is a dickhead

Insisting on continuing sex is abusive! It’s abusive to you and and ignoring the baby while it cries and cries us child abuse!!

Your MIL has raised an awful, abusive and selfish man. Don't make her mistakes. Don't let your DC grow up in this household, with their excuse for a father treating their mother, and by extension them, like shit every day of their lives.

You deserve so much more than this, and so do they.

He's an abusive cock.

Please talk to Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247
This guy is really abusive.
You do need to get away from him.
They can help you with a safe exit plan.
He sounds totally vile and your DC should not be brought up with this 'man' as an example of a male role model.
Free yourself and be happy!