Help - is there any other reason? Possible hook ups with men

[futurefallingapart]

Name changed, occasional poster, regular reader. Sorry if this is long and incoherent (also typing fast as don't have long so apologies for any typos)

Background for context

LTR not married
OH Bi sexual - knew from start - very honest about past - fine. Explained as just a sexual thing, previous relationships all been with women.
2 children - 1 primary school 1 pre school
Own house together
Relationship - apart from normal ups and downs, lovely lifestyle, great friends and family, very social together, financially secure (well apart from the £200k savings he has in his sole savings account) lots of holiday etc
1 occasion of infidelity on his part early in the relationship, not affair just one off, split for a while, he had counselling, decided to get back together as honestly very happy, he did all the right things, complete access to phone, email etc etc
We live around 1hr from where his family and business are

Anyway came home earlier than planned this morning, as I walked in to bedroom OH had jumped up and was making the bed (this was around 9am - own business no set hours). Rolled my eyes and thought he was either 1. Relieving himself or 2. Being lazy and felt bad.

Anyway his phone had fallen on the floor, he didn't see I'd spotted this and he got straight in shower.

I looked.

Last thing he'd done was been on a call to someone but it had been deleted. (Swiped up and could see call log but when I actually went in there, no calls).

So I checked his phone bill. Not done this for years. I don't care if that means I 'snooped'.

Couldn't get the call/calls from today but over the last 6 months (all I managed to download before he was out of shower) there was a few numbers that looked odd - only called at certain days, short calls etc not every day but regular enough. Just had a feeling.

Managed to locate one owner through Facebook.

Single gay man, 20 years older than us, lives and owns a Business in OH home/business town. Has a fab guys account where he advertises a 'glory hole' 3 days a week.

There is NO reason why my OH would be calling this guy. Not remotely work related, not an old friend, not someone his family knows etc

He's calling him for hook ups isn't he? It would be completely plausible for him to visit that area as his business is located there, as are his family.

I feel sick and I don't know what to do. He adores our children and swore he would never do this again. I made it very clear that there would be no future chances. He is very against at what he calls being a 'part time Dad' and would hate to not live with the children. We socialise together, sex life has lows and high (as with small children) but it always good, experimental, passionate.

We've been taking about getting married next year and having another baby. We are planning major expensive work to our house

I'm trying to think of excuses. Maybe he's an old friend I don't know about, maybe this, maybe that. There isn't though is there? It's black and white.

Not only fucking up our lives together it would be awful if we separated, Our families are very close, his business and my job are linked, we share all the same friends. Why has he done this???????

I feel sick, I can't eat, I honestly don't know what to do? Do I call him out now? Do I wait and find out some more info? Do I bury my head in the sand and get myself financially secure. (I work and with his maintenance and benefits I could afford to stay in the house, I would just like some money behind me. As stated 'our' savings are in his account)

Help please I have no one to talk to this in real life. I don't know what to do, I'm gutted.

Yes to the memory stick- then give it to your mum for safe keeping.

You must be devastated OP, so sorry.

Everything is secure

Giving paperwork to my mum to look after tonight. Along with the £10k cash

Just do what you need to do. I think you're amazing not telling him yet.

With the savings account, be careful, if you do set up a transfer it will more than likely request permission via a selected contact number, this will notify him of what you are trying to do. Glad your mum is helping you.

How does he need £500 pcm fuel allowance if he mostly works from home?

Reading your story breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I'm glad you now have your mums support.

No one knows apart from me.

He’s said to me he would never tell his family/friends as he’s too ashamed. That’s one of the reasons he had counselling. To address how he feels about his sexuality

It sounds as he clearly gay and in denial about his sexuality and he’s used you as your dc as a beard his behaviour is absolutely disgraceful and he’s could have endangered your sexual health. I’m shocked at the advice here though marriage and blackmail?! Christ ops better than that. Glad you got the relevant information you need and hope things go well on Friday

His business is based between 40-70 miles away over a couple of counties so when he travels for various meetings he may well travel 100-200 miles a day.

I think he’s probably more gay than straight. But honestly we’ve had such a connection sexually. I don’t see how he could fake it? Or maybe he did?!

His past before me was very promiscuous. With lots of women. He’s only had 1 LTR. His friends were quite shocked he settled down. He wasn’t the player type though. He’s traditionally handsome so more the quiet nice guy with the right amount of charm. He charmed me right off my socks. Wish I’d never had fallen for it.

Definitely get the £100k if you can. Easier to barter it back when you actually have hold of it. Note: I know nothing about transferring large sums of money.

A word of warning - if you did the 'new password' thing and it's gone to another email account, if he is using that account he may well connect that with your 'migraine'.

You're doing well, op, it's a hell of a shituation he's put you in.
Well done on your mum going with your plan - hope she gets chance
to put the arsehole up against the wall (figuratively obvs) when it's all over.
You sound a good decent partner and mum, it's all him - the devious dog
has thrown it all away for the sake of getting his pleasures elsewhere -
and risked your life in the process. Prize bastard.

Managed to get back on the phone bill while he’s giving kids dinner and screen shot all usage since last bill. Guess who he was calling when this all started on Monday? The older guy from his home town. Probably for some phone sex. Dirty bastard. I can hear him moaning at our eldest for not eating nicely. He smacks his lips and eats as if he never has before. The cunt. I am so fucking angry. Thank god I am going out tonight (meeting my mum)

futurefallingapart I would say that he was genuine with your sexual connection. You'd know if he wasn't I would say...Some men who cheat can separate their love for their partner and the sex they have on the side. It does not mean that it is acceptable however, and sounds like he need to see a sex addiction therapist. If I found out my partner was doing this I think I would try to talk to him and find out why he needs it so badly - and to get him to seek counselling, but the deceit is something I probably would find the hardest to move on from. You probably need him away from you though while you get your strength back and he sorts his head out. It's a terrible shame he could not talk to you about his temptations before he acted, as that would have been the emotionally mature thing to do. I would not try to take half the money as unless you are entitled to it legally you will have to give it back - but I would be making sure I had everything I could financially put aside before you confront him, take all the valuables that are yours, have the kids passports and yours in a safe place etc. Part of me thinks, just scre the f*cker over, the other part feels very sad for him that he has felt the need to do all this and what must he have been going through to hide it all and to be in such denial. It sounds too far gone for you to ever have a trusting relationship with him ever again, but never say never. You hold ALL the cards and soon will be able to pick and choose what you want. I doubt he will willingly swan off to a bi/fabguy lifestyle. Betting is he wants you and the children. I'm so sorry.

Just raft op and I'm so sorry. It sucks. I've been where you are (though not with other guys) and it's gut wrenching when you find out. Mine shafted me royally by stealing nearly 10k from my business, stealing equipment and taking one of the family dogs. I NEVER thought he'd do any of that. Keep your head and don't assume anything good. People get spiteful when they're faced with their own shitty behaviour. Wishing you luck op

I hope you feel better after the chat with your mum.

I wouldnt try to rewrite history too much re sexual connection, etc. Its more likely that he hasnt been faking it for many years than he has. It will really hurt to think (beyond all the lying he has already done!) that he wasnt into it, etc. Even if he comes out as gay after this...still doesnt mean he wasnt. Sometimes people can have a habit of rewriting their own history when it doesnt fit the narrative. We have such a need for "sense" and order.

Along with the woman whos partner sent them odd photos, I really am left in awe of you. I think you have been very clear headed, honest, strong, resolute....and I also think you are making all the best decisions- for yourself and your sanity and your family (DC- not waste of space DP!). Strength and luck over the next few days. You are amazing and deserve good things.

If he's been paying men, women and those inbetween he probably is genuinely bisexual. But you can't come back from that level of deceit and recklessness.

And presumably his promiscuous past also included lots of men he just didn't tell people about.

the other part feels very sad for him that he has felt the need to do all this and what must he have been going through to hide it all and to be in such denial.

I spent so many years trying to understand why my ex did what he did, the bottom line is 'he did it because he wanted to, and was enjoying himself'. It's a waste of time and energy to read any more than that into it. The OP has to think about herself and her DC, he's not her concern any longer.

OP you have held your shit together spectacularly well considering. I know it doesn't feel that way to you right now. Good luck to you.

Don't rely on his parents being decent either.

I was lucky my ex-in-laws have been thoroughly decent and totally shocked and ashamed of his behaviour.

It was massively out of character for him.

I am worried you may be in for a shock and find they knew all along about his interest in men.

That said, yes blackmail is illegal but only telling them/people he was unfaithful without mentioning prostitution/men isn't. He'll know you know and will likely wonder why you've not told people the whole story and it may be that he will hope to dissuade you from doing so with financial incentives.

You can call cms and benefits people today or call into local offices and get the forms to start filling them out - it can be quite time consuming - you just won't be claiming until Friday.

Is the house joint? If so don't leave.

A man who quibbles over £3 for milk will DEFINITELY give you a hard time in a divorce and over maintenance. So get as much evidence as possible of his savings and earnings and bonuses.

Re the car - check with the lawyer but if you can prove you use it solely, pay the insurance and petrol you may be able to argue it's a 'gift' and therefore non returnable.

Do you have proof of what you put into the £200k account? If so hopefully at worst you'd be entitled to get back what you put in, but it may possibly act as proof that it was considered by both of you to be joint savings and therefore you'd get £100k

"He did things I would have sworn he'd never, ever do." Same here as I said. Not only would I have sworn that, his parents, family and friends were all genuinely shocked not only at his infidelity but at his treatment of me and dd. People that were originally 'his' friends now have nothing to do with him and are still friendly with me. It rarely comes up now but when it does they still say they feel like they never knew him.

You can get benefits if you have a mortgage but housing benefit is ltd (the rules change CONSTANTLY it used to be only interest was paid then it changed to a percentage of capital up to lha level then it changed again - I can't keep up). The effect on other benefits is usually minimal.

Yea there isn't always a great deal of thought put into their infidelity.

My ex had the nerve to cry on MY shoulder that "I never meant any of this to happen, it was only meant to be a bit of fun".

I genuinely think he thought I wouldn't find out and that even if I did I'd forgive and move forward.

Instead ow got pregnant (I suspect planned on her part), I wasn't the reliant mug he thought I'd be (in hindsight and having done a lot of reading on mn I can see now he was also emotionally and financially abusive/controlling), and in addition to screwing his personal life he screwed his career too!

Thinking of you op xxx

What Failingat40 said.

Please grit your teeth and wait until you've seen the solicitor before bagging his things and confronting him.

Get a 'D&V' bug over the weekend.

Lovely people in my phone. I’m out with my mum and we have looked at his phone usage since his last bill.

I swear I’m not making this up. He called me on way home tonight to say he was in heavy traffic and had to stop via ‘location’ to get petrol etc.

4 calls to a lady escort on way home based in that location.

How am I going to hold it in any longer?

How do you know it's an escort?