Brave Babes Battle Bus: Sunshine, Roses and Mocktails All Round

[SweetLathyrus]

Hi, I'm SweetLathyrus, Sweet for short, and I've been on and off Gerald the Brave Babes Battle Bus since 2014. Over the years, lots of us have maintained the thread, most of all the lovely Mouse, who has been here since the early days, and still scurries onboard when she can.

The bus is a place of support, safety and occasional silliness for those of us struggling with our relationship with alcohol. Some of us are sober, some are trying to be, some are moderating and aren't ready to give up alcohol just yet.

So whatever your reason for questioning the whys and WTFs of your drinking, hop on board, make yourselves comfortable and join in. Driers and Triers, all welcome.

Summer offers all kinds of challenges for those of us trying to change our relationship to alcohol, pub gardens, summer holidays, school holidays, and apparently there's a big football tournament too. If you want to read where the bus has been so far this year here's the link to the
last thread

And in case you want to know how it all started, here is the link to JWN's original, inspiring thread

The Bus is a bit of a Mumsnet institution, but it has an open door policy, no cliques, no judgement, and the welcome is always warm. So hop on and join us.

Struggling tonight but determined dh is on a stag do and has a habit of getting pissed and behaving like a moron like not being able to use his key to open the front door or crashing about the house at 4 am waking everyone up then crashing out in bed snoring away in fairness he rarely goes out but for some reason my anxiety levels are high tonight and feel like a drink to relax so going to have a bath and a bit of a pamper session

Aw shit. I managed to bat away the idea of wine last night after a long trek to the holiday home and had a bowl of soup and a movie instead. But after a day driving about, shopping, numerous trips ferrying people to and from the beach etc I decided a glass of wine would go well with the roast I'm cooking for everyone. Always a bloody excuse.

Thing is I've been feeling better than I have for a long time recently over the last few tea total weeks. I'm still thinking lots about the people I've lost and even had a moment on the beach last night when I had to wander off on my own for a bit, but while I was upset it was a good upset if that makes any sense to anyone good enough to have read this far?

Tomorrow is another day...good mantra for idiots like me

Morning lovely people,

mint I’m so very very sorry for your loss, sending you heartfelt hugs xxx

For those who don’t know me I’ve been on and off this bus for a very very long time. I was drinking very heavily from the age of 35, I’m 47 now. I think it was a kind of delayed reaction to a bitter divorce when my wee girl was only 2 and the loss of my very beloved Gran.

Even after I met my new dh, I was still guzzling a bottle a night and very often moving on to a second. Stupidly looking back I didn’t think that was a big problem, all mums drink, it’s true wine o’clock is an expression we all know and love but it’s a trick, a horrible, cruel trick.

I unexpectedly fell pregnant at 40 and had a sober pregnancy (although I was freaked out the whole time cos I drank before I knew obv) already feelings of crippling anxiety were seeking in.

After I had my daughter, although I was madly in love with her, I hated myself and I mean hated so guess what I did, you got it, I drank and drank and drank!!!!

I descended into chaos and after many attempts at covering my tracks to avoid outside intervention (social services) my parents and partner took me (what was left if me)to hospital. It turns out I had undiagnosed post natal depression had had a nervous breakdown.

All of this journey is pretty much recorded on previous posts on here but I just wanted to say, bar a few slip ups while I’ve been sober for 2 years and although the depression is still a very hard part of my life to live with, the sober part is fab. I feel like a bit of a cheat because I didn’t stop in my own time, and using only my own determination as all you lovely people are, it was “get sober or you lose your kids” I had also poisoned myself literally so many times I think I was quite definitely drinking myself to death, I’m actually amazed I’m still here!!

Anyway it can be done, there is life after alcohol and I honest to God thought my life was over, I had crossed the line so terribly with everyone I loved I believed I could never ever earn their respect or love back BUT I did and Thank God for it every day.

I need to sign off for now but I promise i’ll Come back on again later to talk more about sober and living and how life is today.

Love to all struggling today xxx

Lovely to hear from you baby Well done on your 2 years, but more importantly well done on enjoying your sober life x

Ahhhh, here it is - came looking for the Bus recently and couldn’t see it!! I’m a long time lurker, first time poster on this thread. Been having a few health issues (I posted for advice in the Alcohol support & general health boards in the last few days) and am so worried that they’ve been caused by my long term over indulgence. I have however stopped drinking (having cut down in last few months) as whatever the outcome i’ve had a proper scare & would love to jump on board - dh doesn’t believe I have a problem and I don’t want to discuss it with my (very) booze friends!

Feeling better today. Still beating myself up after my boozy evening but determined not to ruin my lovely holiday by making it all boozy. Currently crocheting on a secluded beach overlooking the Atlantic.

Surely I'm making progress. Surely I'm carving a new life with no hangovers and more energy and better mental health. A kinder life where I treat my mind and my body with the care I deserve and the care I give to others instead of acting like I hate myself.

Well done headinhands that sounds like great progress and a brilliant attitude. How lovely to be making the most of yourthe holiday, and to know that you will remember it all too. Every day you are creating more happy memories.

Welcome blimey it's a bit quiet on here at the moment, must be lots of people on holiday.... Do you want to tell us a littletwirl about yourself? I'm in my late 50s and have been on here since the middle of the very first thread YEARS ago. I'd always enjoyed a few drinks but had been drinking heavily since I was 30, and was getting worse. I'm self employed and had taken to having a little 'working lunch'.... that would be me and a bottle of wine, and no work done for the rest of the afternoon That would be followed by a refreshing G&T while making tea (and so dp didn't notice the alcohol fumes without a reason), leading to a shared bottle of wine with dinner.... then maybe something else to wind down in the evening. And all the while I thought I was being so sophisticated and clever, when all I was doing was ravaging my body, my mental health, my business, and my relationship.

You'll find all sorts on here, long time posters, new joiners, lurkers who pop out, those who come back to update on progress, people who hop on and off.... The only rule is that we support and don't judge. Whatever your drinking habits, whatever your goals, you are very welcome.

Thanks venus. Drinking habits can creep up on you can't they.

I've realised that I'm never happy when I've had a booze up. Before all the bereavements I was a happy drunk. Now I get morose and heavy and it carries on into the next day. I probably have the bereavements to thank for my new start as odd as that sounds.

Right now, today, I feel happier than I have for sometime. I feel content and at peace in a way wine just can't give. I'm liking me today.

Hello Babes,

Today I am celebrating a year of sobriety.

I wrote a big long post reflecting on the year, on how it’s been and how I got here, and maybe I’ll post that later, but for now I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you to every single babe who has travelled on this bus with me. Thank you to those who held my hand, to those who gave advice, to those who put up with me ignoring their advice over and over again. Thank you to those who listened to me moan and rant and cry. Thank you to those who gave me hugs and flowers and to those who didn’t say anything but just listened.

This bus is a wonderful place and I wouldn’t be where I am today without it.

And to those babes who think they can’t stop drinking, that’s what I thought too. That voice telling you it’s impossible is just the Wine Witch whispering her stupid shit in your ear.

Day 365. Today I will not be drinking.

Hello everyone

I'm a MN regular(ish) on other threads, and a long time lurker and admirer of this thread. I haven't posted before for a couple of reasons - firstly for fear of outing myself (I've namechanged for this) and secondly because I'm not very good at posting regularly on threads and I didn't want to feel like I wasn't being a good support to you all by not keeping up with the thread. But I am posting today as I just wanted to share something with you.

A bit of background - I have been a heavy drinker for at least 15 years, mainly in secret. No one knows how much I drink, and it is a bloody lot. The last 18 months have seen my intake ramp up for various reasons, to the extent that I have been averaging about 80-90 units a week with, at best, only one completely alcohol-free day a month. I have tried and tried and tried to cut down but I have just not succeeded - I'd start the day being really positive ("today I feel strong, and will not drink") but by midday that would fall away and the wine would be opened. I've been so ashamed of myself for such a long period of time without seeing any way out at all. It's been really bloody bleak and I've loathed myself for not being strong enough to stop. I've never wanted to stop drinking completely, I just want to be able to have a glass of wine every now and then without it leading to finishing off the rest of the bottle, and having a couple of beers or another half/whole bottle to follow. You know, just like every person you know seems to manage to do.

A few weeks back I was talking to a friend who'd been trying to lose weight for a long time, and she said that had had a lot of success with a hypnosis download - she'd lost a stone without even really thinking about it. I wondered if there was a similar thing for giving up alcohol and lo and behold there was...I paid a tenner to download it, and had my first "session" just over three weeks ago.

Well...it only seems to be bloody working. I have the DrinkCoach app on my phone and so have a record of the units I’ve had since I started the hypnosis….during the first week, I had 52 units. During the second week I had 14.5 units. During the third week I had – wait for it – 8 units. 8 UNITS!!!! Only a month ago, 8 units would have been a pretty light day for me, let alone a week.

But the best thing is, I’m not even thinking about alcohol now. I only think about it when I see it. And then my thoughts tend to be “hmmm, I’m not sure I fancy a drink right now, maybe later.” And then later I invariably still don’t fancy it. It’s something I never ever ever ever ever thought I would be able to do. After 15 years of battling to give up and failing within 5 hours of each day’s promise not to drink, I am actually doing it, and I can’t believe it. I hope – I truly hope and pray – that I can stay this way forever. It feels brilliant.

Anyway, my reason for posting is not as some sort of brag about having cut down, but just to flag up the positive effect that a £10 hypnosis download has had for me. It might not be everyone’s cup of tea (I was definitely sceptical, but also desperate), but it might be something that you’d never thought of and want to try, as it was for me.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on. I know the battle oh so well and I am, and have been for ages, willing you all on. The battle is bloody hard but however you do it, I really really hope you succeed. I will keep on watching this thread and hopefully will post again.

Welcome sober great post, well done and thanks the app looks well worth a shot - just post whenever you like it would be great to hear how you get on going forward.

margie a year! You rock, you star!!

mint I'm thinking of you x

Hey everyone, I'm off to sunny climes for a while. I'll try to keep on the straight and hope you're all ok MissHoolie hope you're out there and doing well.

See ya soon!!

margie that is brilliant

Margie congratulations that is amazing amazing news!!!!

margie that’s absolutely incredible, I’m so proud of you, how do you feel and tell us what made you finally succeed in slaughtering the wine witch? Xxx

Good morning. Just checking in. Well this has been the most horrible few weeks. The coroner released Mum on Monday and the funeral was Friday. Since then we've been stripping out the house to hand the keys back to the HA today. The HA have been really unsympathetic. We had a house clearance firm take a lot of stuff and they also had an open day for the vultures to come and paw through the stuff. Someone actually took the toaster and light bulbs! So that's it now. My home is no longer my home. It feels very strange. So now begins 500 miles with a van packed with snippets of my Mum's life. How I haven't drunk I'll never know. Chocolate though has been a different matter!

Margie you are a star. Well done, a year is bloody brilliant my friend x

Mint such a difficult time for you and how awful to have strangers everywhere in the house. Hang on to the happy memories x

sober what was the hypnosis download called, was it on the Drink Aware app?

Big wave to baby, Lux, venus and, oh gosh everyone.

Welcome to newbies

Just noticed that I missed the post by soberforbloodyonce well done on such a great achievement. When I was first trying to stop / cut back on my drinking I tried a hypnosis programme, and I found it really helpful too. In this game I think it's worth trying anything!

mint I'm so sorry - that sounds so hard. Your incredible for not drinking. Xx

Mint, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, it sounds like you’ve been amazingly strong and it is fantastic that you have managed to avoid booze. I know from my own experience when my DM died that booze only throws a blanket over the grief, but you actually need to grieve.

Sober, that app sounds great, the more tools at our disposal the merrier!

Venus, Lux, Saywhen, Baby and Faire, thanks so much for your kind words but as I said in my post, a lot of the credit for my sobriety is thanks to you and the other great babes on this bus. In answer to your question Baby, these are my rambling thoughts on how I managed it - I don’t want to be self-indulgent but maybe me writing this down might help someone else...

If you had told me 18 months ago that I would be able to give up for a year, I would have said it was impossible. My whole teenage and adult life was built around booze. I think I was always a candidate to become alcoholic-dependent - booze got its claws into me when I was about 14, and I absolutely fell in love with it. While drunk I have risked my life and my children’s lives. I have blacked out hundreds of times. I have had sex with people whose faces, let alone names, I wouldn’t remember the next day. I have got into needless conflicts with people who I love and admire and I have lost friends and boyfriends because of my drinking.

But one year ago I fell out of love with alcohol forever. I recognized that I had no control, and my rock bottom involved seeing very clearly where my future with alcohol in my life would take me. I knew that I would eventually lose my job, my DH and quite possibly my DCs. I saw a vision of the future in which I lost everything. I can still see that vision - if I go back to the crossroads, and take the alcohol path, then that will be my future. There are people who can drink sensibly - my DH is one of them. I desperately tried to be one of them too, one of those sun-kissed, attractive girls in the adverts, sipping from their wine glasses and having the time of their lives. But that is never where booze was going to take me.

I would love to say that the last year has been the best of my life, I would love to say that giving up alcohol has changed everything for the better. However, that is not the case. That dickhead at my job is still a dickhead. My DH’s annoying habits are still annoying. My DCs drive me crazy sometimes and I wish I had more time for myself. I still suffer from depression and I still miss my DM every minute of every day. But...I am fully accountable for every single thing I’ve said and done this year. I have woken up with a clear head every day and I haven’t had that panicky feeling in my gut about what I might have said and done the night before. I haven’t felt sick as a dog. My kids haven’t seen me drunk and behaving like an idiot. My DH has felt relaxed every time we’ve gone out, he hasn’t had that tense worry about whether it was going to turn into “one of those nights”.

If you think you can’t give up, you’re wrong, that’s just the wine witch whispering her shit into your ear again. I have used all the resources at my disposal to help me stop drinking. I don’t subscribe wholeheartedly to the AA philosophy but I’ve been to some meetings and met some wonderful people there, including my sponsor (I call her that even though I’m not doing the program) who I know I can phone any time, day or night, if I’m struggling. The internet has been a godsend - this wonderful bus, Tired of Thinking about Drinking by the amazing Belle, Clare Pooley’s sobriety blog and lots of other sites have constantly reassured me that I’m not alone. Allen Carr’s book started me off. But more than anything I got to rock bottom and I knew it was time - there is a phrase that I love which sums it all up for me: “I would rather go through life sober, believing that I’m an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to convince myself that I’m not”.

Mint what a truly horrible situation. I am so sorry that you're having to go through this. But the strength you need to keep away from booze in this situation is incredible - I am in awe.

The Drink Coach app is made by this charity - www.drinkcoach.org.uk/ - it's just a really easy-to-use app where you tap pictures of the drinks you've had in a day and it calculates calories, units and cost. I started using it when I started the hypnosis and it has really helped to see in black and white what alcohol is costing me in terms of weight, finance and dangerous drinking. Eg in the first week of hypnosis where I reduced my alcohol intake to 52 units, this still meant I'd had more than 3300 calories that week (which, as the app tells me is equivalent to 17 doughnuts!). I must have been having double that in some weeks - 6600 just on booze!!! What a waste of delicious calories. In the last seven days I've only had 2.6 units - 220 calories. Much more like it.

The hypnosis download is by Mark Bowden. I was a bit freaked out the first time I listened to it and felt a bit uncomfortable and self-consious throughout it, which is really strange as no one else was either about or knew I was listening to it! I listened to it daily for the first 10 days, and then every other day for a while and now I listen to it about once a week. I honestly think it's changed my life on a permanent basis. I've been home alone this week while my OH has been away with work and normally that would be perfect for having 1.5 - 2 bottles a night - I've had nothing at all and have not even been tempted. I still just can't believe it.

Margie you sound SO in control. What an achievement. I was always waiting for that life-changing moment, and while I frequently lay awake at night thinking dark thoughts about the future, none of them ever snapped me into being able to break the habit. Your focus and presence of mind to be able to stop drinking by yourself are wonderful qualities to have. It's funny what you say about things still being the same in a lot of cases - I was thinking that just this morning. I'm still a very grumpy cow when I've not had enough sleep (I always thought it was the booze that made me this way) and I'm still not sure I'm happy still being with OH (again, I assumed this was the booze talking). But being able to know that this is actually me, rather than an alcoholic facade, is quite reassuring in a strange sort of way!

Plus, as someone (I can't remember who, sorry) said earlier up the thread, it's wonderful being able to talk to someone without wondering if they can smell wine on my breath or see the slightly glazed eyes.

Thanks for being welcoming to me, ladies, I do appreciate it very much.

Huge congratulations Margie 🎊🎉🎈🎂 You Rock 😁💜 I am sooooo proud- a year is a huge milestone!!!! Well Done xxxx

It's been a long time since I jumped onto the bus- love to every Brave Babe I'm still sober, still rockin it, busy with my business and generally dealing with the ups and downs that life brings.

Hugs to all of you lovely lot xxx

Mint I'm so very sorry about your mum xxxx

Babes - I found my first ever post recently- copy below - I've been sober since 31 March 2015 - this would not have been possible without the support of the amazing bus......
I am eternally grateful. Thank you 💜

spanna41 7 Nov 2013 06.40

Good morning to all the babes on this wonderfully inspiring bus.

Can I have a seat please?. I've just woken up and I'm on Day 4. I've been drinking since I was 15 (now 46) socially mostly but I've been drinking much more at home (wine),when I do get to the pub (Westons cider - which is strong). I have become a binge drinker who doesn't know when to stop. Recently I have looked at myself and decided that I have a problem and I need to address it!

I drink to numb hurt and pain (partner of 20 years left 3 years ago - haven't seen or heard from him, neither have our children . No financial help, nothing!) I have 2 DD (9 & 14). They are my life and I love/adore them. My dad also died 6 years ago. 2 major men in our lives - gone!

I've been lurking for a while and I'm so glad I've come across this thread (and the old ones). Mind you even when I was with my partner I was drinking. The industry that I used to work in was high profile corporate lunches yada yada - you get the picture.

Just spent the last 3 years doing a degree fulltime (went back to that student feeling) which I've finished now and achieved. Sorry I'm 'going on', when I re-read it really does sound like I'm feeling really sorry for myself!!

Anyway I will continue to lurk and I find you all inspiring and lovely. You make me lol and cry. It really helps me realise that I'm not alone.

Have a good day everyone x

Looks like I killed the thread skulks off to kick the tumble weed......

It's impossible to kill spanna I've just spent hours trying to find my first post.... god, that was years ago!