Do you think your children love you?Or,- do you love your mother?

[Fengshui]

This is just a rather depressed musing really.

I don't love my mother. I don't like her much either. She had untreated depression when I was growing up and was abusive-physically and emotionally. I tolerate her at best. I am 45.

I can't imagine what it is like to love your mother. I am closely involved with her, but this is mostly motivated by guilt and obligation.

I have two children, the eldest is nearly 9 and today when we were arguing (I would not buy him something) he said the most truly awful things to me.I realised that although I love my children desperately, completely and utterly, I do not actually expect them to love me back. Some of it is because I can't imagine anyone loving me but also I can't quite understand the idea of loving your mother.

I know my son knows I love him completely. I don't actually expect that back. I surround them in a bubble of love and concern and attention. I'm not expecting them to validate me in any way- but I wonder if it is even possible to be a mother who is genuinely loved by her children. Uncomplicated , non-guilt-based love.

I know that sounds rambling,but does any of it make sense?

So much of this thread resonates with me. Sorry to hear that so many people had a trough childhood and a subsequently difficult relationship with their mother.

I'm not sure that I really love my mum. I can't seem to move past the constant criticism, beatings, and fear she subjected me to as a child. She's different now but still has a horrible temper and a cruel streak.

I sometimes feel like I'm a stroppy teenager because I can't get past the protective wall that I have built around myself when it comes to my mum.

I love my DS fiercely and strive always to be a constant strong parent who he can rely on. I do hope he loves me, but if he simply sees me as a mum who he can depend upon I will be happy enough.

When mum dies I have to admit I suspect I may feel relieved but I do really worry that I will feel terrible regret and remorse for keeping her at arms length (emotionally)- and by then it will be too late.....

This rings true with me too.

I often wonder if i have some sort of attachment disorder. My mum was of the 70’s school of bottles every 4 hours and baby at the end of the garden in between.

I always felt her love was conditional. On my behaviour, on how i reflected on her. On how i did what she wanted me to do. I did many things over the years to “earn” her love including going to uni when i didn’t want to.

Sounds daft but it was the little things that wormed their way in. The stock answer that she liked me best when i was asleep. The threat if i didn’t go to uni she wouldnmt support me. The casual statements that if i got pregnant she’d throw me out. My auntie i barely knew used to always reply when she said that that i could always go and live with her if i did. I think i have more affection for that aunt.

She always complains i don’t confide in her. The odd time i have i got yelled at for being selfish/jealous or whatever.

The conflict i have is i do think she did her best. I don’t think she realises how wrong she got it. She did a good job as a mother in her opinion- she raised a child who was unquestioningly obedient, was seen and not heard, and that she could “take anywhere” and know i wouldn’t drop a fork or say anything not party line.

I can’t be myself around her. I have different thoughts and opinions. I research and analyse. She gets hers from the daily mail and the wisdom of her cronies. She gets on well with my sister and i think they have a loving relationship, but my sister is the same as her.

My own kids i am bringing them up more to know i’ll love them whatever they do. I will go to the end of the earth for them. My oldest i worry about because she is similarly introverted, and i know i am making mistakes all the time. But i think she can be herself around me, and I hope she feels i’ll never judge her.

really a other one my mum was like yours. It's about control. I got the 'we did our best' line too - my parents were so limited that abusive behaviour was their best. They completely neglected the emotional side of parenting but regularly told us 'look at all we've done for you'. It's parenthood as a neverending debt for the child. A way to keep you compliant and 'no trouble' . But it's not loving. Whenever I'd confide in my mother, she use the information against me at a later date.

My mother has mental health issues and I suspect, a developmental disorder so have some empathy for her. My father had a very abusive childhood. I feel for them but I can't fix them.

I'm hoping so. I'm keeping everything crossed for this. I have 2 DC and love them so very much and tell them a lot. I didn't have a great relationship with my mother. She was and still is very cold, never said she loved me, never comforted me and never cuddled me, read to me that kind of thing.
She tried to bring us up to be 'strong' I think she thought by cuddling us would make us wimpish etc

I'm trying to defy history and cuddle my children everyday as I want them to remember it all. I'm hoping by me showing and giving them love they in turn will love me.
I still see my mum but it is a chore having to go there, mainly because the conversation is so cold and boring.
She's not particularly interested in my DC either and doesn't ask about them, or how they are getting on at school etc.

This thread is a revelation to me. It strikes me how many people have had really dysfunctional relationships with parents. It is so hard to bring up your own children with the love and support they deserve when you don't have loving or supportive parents and no role model. I have done my best, but if I'd had a loving family things would have been so much easier. Man passes on inhumanity to man and it deepens like a coastal shelf. I wonder how many of our parents had awful parenting themselves.

But you know, my dad, who was a wonderful and loving man, fun and strong, seriously the best man I have ever met...he had an awful childhood! Well, until he was around eight and taken under his maternal grandparents' wing.

His mother and father got divorced , his mother blatantly didn't want children but decided to favour my dad's older brother, who got the piano lessons, the private school etc, while my dad was sent away to a remote farm to live with his paternal gps. He went to a small local school there for a short while, then contracted tuberculosis from the cows on the farm and never went to school again!

He was brought back to London and was in and out of hospital for years. His mother did horrible things like gave his dog away when he had a long stay in hospital as it was an inconvenience to her.

She was awful to him yet he loved her and looked after her in her old age. By that time the old bat had done a complete about turn and he was the best thing since sliced bread.

My point is-he was a loving and good parent, even after all that. I can forgive him for being a slight enabler of my mother (a narcissist), as he was just the best human. And after a mother like that I can see why he ended up with someone like my mother.

You can break the cycle, and you can be very much loved by your children. That gives me hope.

I don't love my mother (in fact I just re-registered with MN to start a thread about her) and tbh I take heart from knowing that my child is ok. He's in good shape, mentally. Which I think means that we as his parents are in good shape, at least most of the time! (I know it's never as simple as that, really.)

He likes us and loves us in a very offhand way but he is able to show it, to ask for a hug when he needs one, and he's thoughtful and funny as well as being sarcastic and teenaged, all age appropriate.

I try not to have much to do with my mother as she's kind of awful, and by and large I don't dwell. She's an awful person but most people aren't. I got very unlucky - and nowhere near as unlucky as some.

It's interesting what you say OP about not expecting love. I don't either, so it's a surprise when it's expressed eg by my in-laws. I don't expect to be welcome, I don't make people do things for me - so yes, it has sent me into a bubble where I don't actually depend on people. I am really dedicated to making sure my son knows he is loved (my husband too but it's a different thing) and can come to us and we will look after him. So far so good, and good riddance to my mother, frankly. She's missed out totally.

If it's any help, my grandmother didn't love my mum - she never wanted another daughter, blamed her husband running off on my mum's arrival and is generally awful. Worse still, my mum loved her anyway, she could never help it and until the day my grandmother died she used this to hurt and manipulate her.
However - my siblings and I have been blessed that instead of passing on her own scars, my mum managed to surround us with so much support and love. As a tween and teen I was also sometimes pretty horrible and ungrateful, but that was because I felt so utterly confident of her unconditional love. We would have been lost without her and still would be today, she's my inspiration and favourite person to call for a long chat about nothing much at all - and all her grandkids adore her too. From being given so little, she's built a big and close family and is so loved herself - stick with all the wonderful things you are doing and I am sure you will be too.

I don't love my mum. I love my children and they love me. It would be lovely if they still loved me when they were older and wanted to meet with me but I would want them to do this by choice - not out of obligation or duty.

My mother isn't exceptionally abusive but I have no relationship with her. I feel like I come across as cold saying this. Some people who are close to their mums can't imagine feeling like I do but they don't have the type of mum I do. I visit her once a week but I don't enjoy the visits and try to keep them short. I find her draining.

She is emotionally immature and she's insecure and jealous. She somehow both looks down on my in-laws and also feels inferior to them.

She is vacuous and gossips endlessly about people she works with. She talks at me - not with me.

She is very nosy and would like to know as much detail as possible about me -but if I ever give her any information, not matter how unimportant it seems, she will drag it up again months later in an argument.

She drinks to much - she's a functioning alcoholic. She slurs her words and gets argumentative in the evenings so I avoid having any contact with her after 8pm. When I was little my parents used to have loud arguments. My dad would shout at my mum to get out of the living room and she'd be stumbling or unsteady on her feet - looking angry. She somehow looked down on my FIL once as he drank to much on one occassions - but at least he was a merry drunk that night - not an angry one like her.

I never remember feeling close to her or feeling like I could tell her my worries. I remember I failed an exam at university and she was only concerned about the neighbours not finding out. I don't think the neighbours would care - and I don't know why it would matter even if they did care.

I remember when I was little, aged about 9, and I said I hoped it was going to snow and she got angry at my for hoping this because it would mean she wouldn't be able to go to work. As if my hopes would somehow increase the chances of sboe. Endless, stupid, incidents like this just wore away at me until my mother just became an annoyance to be tolerated.

My MIL, on the other hand, is lovely and warm and engaging and is what a proper mum is meant to be. She cares about her children but doesn't try to get emotionally over-involved like my mum does. She treats them like independent adults and doesn't try to manipulate her children. I'm going to model myself on my MIL - not my mother.

I often think wryly that these horrible women have taught us a lot-how not to mother, how not to raise our children etc etc. I suppose we should be grateful!! Doing the opposite to the things my mother did seems to work for me and my children.

Truly don't know if I love my mum. She was not unkind, but distant. I have no idea if my children love me. Possibly not. We never talk about it.

My mum is fantastic and I know I’m incredibly lucky to have her.
I do love her, but my happiness isn’t conditional on her being happy the way that hers is on mine so she definitely loves me more than I love her. Thinking about that makes me very sad though, so I’ll be giving her an extra big cuddle when I see her tomorrow.

I have a 6.5 month old DS and while he’s very attached to me, I’m not sure if it’s because he loves me, needs me or both.
I’m sure he’ll hate me at times when he’s left and I’m not looking forward to that

I’m very lucky to have a wonderful mum and can’t imagine what life will be like without her when she’s gone. I think I’m almost the opposite end of the scale in that I’m too attached to her (even as an adult, married with my own DC) and always have been quite dependent on her.

I feel so very sad for those who have been less fortunate with their mothers. I can imagine that feeling unloved by your mum must effect you in so many ways. for all those who have felt unloved and unwanted. It’s wonderful that so many of you have such lovely relationships with your own children.

@exWifebeginsat40 your post made me cry. I’m so very sorry you feel this way. But she wasn’t right. You matter. You are not inadequate in any way.

I felt genuinely loved by my son- uncomplicated, unquestioning love, till he hit his teens. Now he hates me and loves his girlfriend. I’m happy he loves his GF but don’t understand where the hatred comes from. It’s hard being judged by someone who adored you!

Purecoldwind I could have written the part of your post about avoiding calling in the evenings. My mum too is drunk by this point, not that she'd ever acknowledge it. I avoid all contact at this time- communication never goes well. Her temper rises faster than usual, and she's just horrible.

I don't love my mum. I love my children and they love me. It would be lovely if they still loved me when they were older and wanted to meet with me but I would want them to do this by choice - not out of obligation or duty.

Haven't read most of thread but this stuck out to me. Sounds like you've invited them to a BBQ or something - lovely if they can but no biggie if they can't. Really? I can honesty say I'd rather drag my children screaming and them hate every moment of it than accept that they didn't want to see me

It isn't even in my brain to consider such a prospect. To find time to see me when they're busy with their families, yes I can accept that. But to disown because they dont like me? No I'd never except it. I'd beg for forgiveness for whatever is done And if that didn't work I'd be in complete despair and completely unhappy.

I've not been on MN much this week, so am just coming back now. Thank you everyone for sharing.

for you too FengShui